Takes

Drew Brees will miss half of the 2019 season with his thumb injury

Drew Brees is hurt. And he's hurt bad. And he's going to be out for a while. I think he's going to miss half—half the season. Eight weeks.

The Patriots will finish the season 18-1 with a Super Bowl victory

My official prediction was one random loss, like one fluke loss in the regular season. ... They could lose a regular season game and then go 18-1 [and win the Super Bowl].

Urban Meyer will definitely coach football again

My who's back is Urban Meyer because Urban Meyer said he misses football. Oh, you think? That actually could just be that because he's definitely going to coach. So shout out all the people who said that he actually was retiring for real this time. You're an idiot.

Cam Newton is broken and doesn't look right physically or mentally

Cam Newton is broken. He just doesn't look right. Every receiver, he either missed the throw or put it where they shouldn't be thrown. He would just simple passes. They were not thrown in the right position. And the whole night, it felt like the Panthers should have won that game. They didn't win that game because Cam Newton is broken. His soul is injured. His body's injured. His soul is injured. He is not right.

Thursday Night Football is always good regardless of the game quality

Everyone who says Thursday night football sucks fuck you. It's football. It happens every single year. They're like this is Thursday night football this is atrocious you really want to watch this oh yes i do i want to watch it every thursday if there was not thursday night football i'd have nothing to look forward to on thursday this is thursday night football i don't care if it's bad i really don't i just want to watch football

Trevor Siemian is not a significant downgrade from the current version of Sam Darnold

Trevor Siemian. Not terrible. Northwestern guy. He's not terrible. Trevor Siemian is not good, but he's also not terrible. He's not a huge, huge downgrade over Sam Darnold. Of what Sam Darnold currently is.

I am betting the Jets +6.5 against the Browns on Monday Night Football

I'm going to take the Jets on Monday night. Are you really? Yeah. Dude, this is a classic situation where everyone freaks out and everyone's like, oh, Sam Darnold's out. The Jets stink now. And it's six and a half points. And Trevor Simmons, he might not win the game, but he'll be good enough to keep him around.

If the Bears lose to the Broncos and Joe Flacco, I will have a full-blown meltdown

I have been threatening all week that I will melt down if the Bears lose to the shitty Broncos and the even shittier Joe Flacco. If the Bears lose on Sunday. It's a meltdown. I'm promising a meltdown. I will stomp my feet. I will say mean things to people around me that I will later on regret... I might even cry a little. I'm going to yell at people. I'm going to tweet at people really mad. The Bears cannot lose this game.

The Patriots will cover -18.5 against the Dolphins

I know it's a crazy line. It's outrageous, but it's one of those things where there's going to be no better thrill than rooting for the Patriots to cover 18 and a half. I can unbiasedly tell you that the Patriots are going to cover 18 and a half.

The Dolphins will cover +18.5 against the Patriots

I like the Dolphins [at +18.5]. And it's one of these things where the universe is taunting me, saying you won't take the shitty Dolphins, possibly the worst team in the last five years of the NFL. But everyone's talking about how bad they are... I'm going to count wins against the spread here as wins for the Dolphins.

The Bills will beat the Giants and cover -1.5

My favorite. I'm going to go with the Bills. Minus one and a half on the road. I like the Bills. I hate the Giants. I hate Pat Shurmur. I hate Eli Manning's stupid face in this game.

The Bengals will beat the 49ers and cover -2

I like the Bengals, minus two. I think the 49ers, a little bit of a fraudulent win week one. Their defense played well, but Jimmy Garoppolo did not... I think the Bengals, you saw it. They actually run a 2019 offense now... I think the Bengals are going to cover at home. Minus two.

I am betting the Falcons as my underdog pick for Week 2

I'm back on my bullshit. I'm taking the Falcons as my underdog. I don't give a fuck... When you lose on a team, you then chase that team forever until you get satisfaction.

Gardner Minshew is going to be a pretty good player in the NFL

I think he's going to be a pretty good player. And I saw the story that said that he used to do band workouts in the locker room naked... Yeah, he would, well, not really band workouts. Uh, there's a combination of dancing and running in place... He's like one of the most passionate players I've ever coached.

Washington State's mascot Butch T. Cougar beats Alabama's Big Al if it's a guy in a costume

Well, if they get a real elephant, we're in trouble... But if it's a guy in a costume, I'm going to go with the elusiveness of Butch [T. Cougar].

Butch T. Cougar beats the Notre Dame Leprechaun unless the Leprechaun is actually magic

That leprechaun better actually be magic because otherwise I'm going to go with Butch.

You are always open at some point when running the 'Four Verticals' play

On four verticals, you're always open at some point. You're either open underneath the coverage or you're open when the coverage transitions, or you're open behind the coverage... you're open in the windows. You're always open somewhere. The difficult thing is executing.

The Chicago Cubs are the most maddening and frustrating team I've ever watched

My fire fest is the Chicago cups. They're the most maddening team, frustrating team I've ever watched. They just want to toy with everyone's hearts and they win one game, lose one game, lose two games. Don't score for a week. Then they look awesome... I am at the point where I'm just I don't even know what I want anymore.

Justify's Triple Crown should be vacated because the horse is a cheater

Justify is a cheater. The horse. I hope you're sitting down... Horse racing is not on the up and up. Justify tested positive for using a banned substance... As far as we know, Justify is guilty as sin, and his triple crown win should be, what, vacated? Are we doing that? I would like my money back.

Justify should be branded with an asterisk like cattle

You know what they should do? They should fucking brand him with an asterisk. Like a cattle brand. He's going to have to wear that on his hindquarters for the rest of his days.

The Raiders were on a mission and would have beaten any team on Monday night after the Antonio Brown drama

The Raiders weren't going to lose last night. It could have been anybody. It could have been the 85 Bears out there... The Raiders were going to be on a mission from the get-go. They spent the entire week hearing about Antonio Brown, hearing about how they were going to suck, how they had no hope... Anytime that happens, especially before a Monday night game, the team's going to be motivated to play a little bit extra hard. That was a team that was going to beat anybody.

Joe Flacco shouldn't be a starting quarterback in the NFL anymore

Joe Flacco stinks. He's bad. He shouldn't be a starting quarterback in the NFL anymore. John Elway likes him because he's tall and he throws... He still throws a nice looking ball, but it's just nothing else is good.

Vic Fangio's decision to kick a field goal down 21-6 with 10 minutes left was a loser's move

When [Vic Fangio] kicked that field goal down 21-6 with 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter, you need two touchdowns no matter what. He kicked a field goal to then need two touchdowns no matter what... why are you so afraid of not getting a fourth down when kicking a field goal is essentially admitting defeat there?

The NFL moving the Raiders out of Oakland is absolute bullshit

What the NFL is doing to the Raiders is absolute bullshit. I'm going to miss Oakland fans so, so much. Watching the black hole... the Raiders fans... just every single shot, every single camera shot to the crowd is art. It really is.

The Las Vegas Raiders stadium will be filled with bachelor parties instead of real fans

I don't think the fans aren't going to travel from Oakland to Las Vegas. I don't think they will. I think the stadium's going to be filled with a bunch of bachelor parties and bachelorette parties all dressed up in costumes.

Bill O'Brien is the most mediocre coach in the NFL

Bill O'Brien sucks. That guy, he's got to be the most mediocre coach who's been around forever.

Each NFL team should be allowed one legal body slam per game

DeAndre Hopkins doesn't get enough credit for one of the coolest nicknames... Nuke. So when he body slammed the defender, which I believe that each team should get one body slam a game, just like you get one body slam, we get one body slam.

Green Day is officially an 'oldies' band now

I was thinking that Green Day would you consider them to be classic rock at this point... yeah I guess... when does the 90s become classic rock... I think it's now. Fuck. I think Green Day is an oldies band.

Vaping is about to see a spike in use because it has become 'rebellious' again

My cool throw is vaping because there's been a real spike... in vaping deaths. So now vaping has kind of turned the corner. It's like it's a bad boy thing... well now vaping has entered that realm because it's killing people... I think it's going to see a spike in use.

Alabama could beat the Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins are trash. The Dolphins are trash and Alabama can beat them. What's a better, what's a better debate? That is Yukon women's basketball bad for women's basketball... Or which school is the real DBU?

Alabama could beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady and Bill Belichick

Hank, could Alabama beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady as a quarterback? Tom Brady as a quarterback, Belichick as the other coach... [Hank]: Yes. With that type of strategy, like give him two weeks to prepare... Yeah.

I will return to the NFL around week 14

I'm actually going to come back this exact... yeah probably like week 14 or something. Al Preza said week 14, week 13... so you know I'm just going to agree with you. You're the Prez so week 14 or something. Week 14 works.

I would return to the NFL for $10 million if I could wear number 69 and be tackle eligible every play

Let's say $10 million... You get to wear number 69, and you report as tackle eligible every single play... [Gronk]: You know, that's a pretty good deal... Three games before the playoffs, $10 million, wearing number 69... Yeah, I would take that deal.

I am stronger now at 245 pounds than I was when I played at 265

I lost 15, 20 pounds. And the weight I lost, I call it bullshit weight... bloated weight. I'm actually stronger now. I'm 245 right now... I'm ripped. It feels good. I feel lighter. I feel quicker. I feel faster. I feel more energy.

The '69' joke is starting to fade away

I was actually just talking about that on the ride here... me and Goon were driving up, and we were like, yo, 69? Isn't that – it's kind of like in the past... 69 jokes kind of faded away, which they kind of have. I totally 100% agree.

Bill Belichick never actually told me I was the best tight end he ever coached

[Big Cat]: Did he ever sit down with you and have a moment where he's like, 'hey, Gronk, you're the best tight end I've ever coached?' [Gronk]: No, not really. Never fully let you know? Never not like that. No, no. I mean, he's not a guy like that. I would say he keeps everyone humbled in there.

Tom Brady has a 'special power' that tells him who will be open on every play

I feel like Tom has like this special power and he like he like knows who's going to be open that play... just from all the practice, just from reading the guys being around them... that's what makes him so special and that's why he can get anyone open because he knows exactly where they're going to be.

I always thought Nick Foles was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville

To be completely honest, my excitement about the Nick Foles era was completely fake. It was fake. I thought that he was going to be a bust. I thought that he was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville where everything was perfect for him in the Eagle system.

Gardner Minshew is going to be a good quarterback

He wasn't elevating anybody else. He was just getting the ball out on time and things like that. I thought maybe he could do that in Jacksonville, rely on the defense... so I think Gardner's going to be okay. I like Gardner. I like his accuracy.

69 is a seventh-date move

69 is a seven date move also... Seventh date. Let's do a 69. But it's going to be 69 with a caveat that she's on top because she's not ready for my butthole by eight.

I believe the Browns and Baker Mayfield will be fine despite their Week 1 loss

I actually do believe the Browns are going to be fine... As a Baker [Mayfield] guy, he's going to fix it. He's fine.

Whenever Mike Vrabel is underestimated, bet on him

I am now making a new rule. Whenever Mike Vrabel is underestimated, bet on him. I feel like this happens every single time the Titans, we're like, the Titans stink, their offense is boring, and Marcus Mariota isn't the guy. They did it last year when they played the Patriots.

Lamar Jackson might just be a statue quarterback who carves teams up from the pocket

The concern at this point is can [Lamar Jackson] do enough with his legs? Is he fast enough? Is he a good enough running quarterback? Or is he just like one of those statue guys that goes back there and carves you up?

Josh Rosen will be remembered for having the worst career situations possible

I think [Josh Rosen] will, when his career is done, will look back and be like, that guy had the worst situations possible.

The Dolphins will still win seven games this season despite losing by 49 points in Week 1

The Dolphins can still get seven [wins]. I'm not done with this take yet... Patriots at Dolphins, Dolphins always manage to win a game against the Patriots... [Ryan Fitzpatrick] has so many revenge games built into every schedule... two wins against the Bills, two wins against the Jets for the revenge games.

The Falcons are the most frustrating team in NFL history to watch and bet on

I fucking hate the Falcons... They're the most frustrating team I've ever watched, ever bet on. I bet on them pretty much every single week... and they fucking suck, and they do the same thing every time.

The key to Kirk Cousins' success is not letting him play quarterback

They figured out the key to Kirk Cousins. Don't let him actually play quarterback. He only threw 10 passes. Less is more with him... Actually, the key for Kirk Cousins is to make sure that the quarterback doesn't play quarterback.

Christian McCaffrey is talented enough to be a professional in every single sport

I don't know this for a fact, but I'm pretty sure Christian McCaffrey could be pro in every single sport. He's that type of guy.

The Jaguars should trade for Eli Manning following Nick Foles' injury

Nick Foles broke his clavicle... I'm going to say a name for who the Jaguars should look to trade for. Eli Manning. Let's get it going. Let's get him back with [Tom] Coughlin. Get the band back together. The defense is good enough. All you need is Eli to win nine games.

Zach Taylor will coach the Bengals for six years and never make the playoffs

Here's my overreaction is that Zach Taylor is going to be the Bengals coach for the next six years and never make the playoffs. I feel like he's going to go 8-8.