Takes

The Seahawks will miss Doug Baldwin significantly more than they realize

The Seahawks are going to miss Doug Baldwin so much more than they realized... it felt like every time they needed a big play, it was like, wait, where's Doug Baldwin?

Eli Manning is officially a corpse

Eli Manning is a corpse. That's my eye test.

The Cowboys shouldn't sign Dak Prescott to an extension right now while he's playing for a contract

Dak Prescott's going to make a shitload of money. And I actually think if you're Jerry Jones, don't sign him right now because he's playing for a contract.

If a general manager misses the playoffs two years in a row, they should be fired immediately

If you're not going to make the playoffs two years in a row... You're only as good as this year, though, and they're not going to make the playoffs... If you can't make it two years in a row, you've got to go.

Kyler Murray has a 75% chance of being a bust

So three quarters of bad Kyler, one and a half of good Kyler. So 75% he's a bust. [Big Cat] 75% chance Kyler Murray's a bust right now.

There is a 75% chance that Kyler Murray is a bust

Three quarters of bad Kyler, one and a half of good Kyler. So 75% he's a bust. 75% chance Kyler Murray's a bust right now.

TJ Hawkinson is going to be an awesome NFL player

TJ Hawkinson, by the way, is awesome... it looks like he's going to be awesome. There's something to build on there.

Jameis Winston is addicted to turnovers and cannot be fixed

Jameis Winston fucking stinks. That guy stinks. He is addicted to turnovers... How do you fix a guy who, one in every five passes, he says, 'Ooh, I haven't thrown it dangerously close to the other team in a while. Let me do that.'

The Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl again

I mean, the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl again. [PFT] Yeah. That was an ass kick. Listen, the Patriots, they're wagon.

The Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl again

I mean, the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl again. [PFT Commenter] Yeah. That was an ass kick.

Antonio Brown and Josh Gordon will both play every game for the Patriots this season

Antonio Brown, Josh Gordon, do both of them play 16 games? [Big Cat] Antonio Brown obviously didn't play tonight, so 15 in his case. [Hank] Yes.

The Patriots will finish the season 18-1

18-1 is my official preseason prediction... I think they're going to lose a random regular season game, and that'll be it... They're not going to lose in the playoffs.

We owe Mike Tomlin an apology for how he handled Antonio Brown

In all of this, in all the Antonio Brown madness and the Raiders and all that stuff, I think we owe Mike Tomlin an apology. I think he actually dealt with Antonio Brown the way that you have to deal with a receiver that talented.

The life lesson of Antonio Brown is that talented people can get away with anything

If you're extremely talented at something, you can probably get away with more than everyone else. That's a tough lesson... If you are extremely valuable and exceptionally talented at your given work, you probably can get away with shit.

Joe Burrow will win the Heisman Trophy

Joe Burrow, MVP. Heisman. [PFT Commenter] Probably heard of him. Joe Burrow looks like a Heisman guy. This year, he looks fucking amazing.

Texas is officially 'not back' because their field looks like baby diarrhea

Somebody pointed out that the color situation on the broadcast cameras change at Texas depending on what network is running the game... It changes depending on how back Texas is... I was like, they're not back because that field looks like baby diarrhea. Officially not back.

Trevor Lawrence will be a good NFL quarterback

I scouted in person. Go Tigers. I think Trevor Lawrence is going to be a good quarterback.

Rafa Nadal is the GOAT of tennis

Rafa's the GOAT. He won the U.S. Open, which means he now has five major titles since his 30th birthday, the most by any person.

The Bears' offense was a 'fucking joke' against the Packers

The Bears were a fucking joke tonight. Yeah. They were a joke. How's that make you ten penalties? 407 yards the offense looked like shit. The defense was awesome. Couldn't turn the ball over which would have been nice but like They were joke. You can't have that first and 40. Graphic. That's a fucking joke that is aim action game.

NFL teams will start challenging offensive pass interference just to get a free timeout

This is going to suck in the NFL this season because they have the new rule where you can challenge and offensive pass interference. ... Teams will start doing that where they will if a team is starting to roll down the field and like the second half and there's just even some kind of contact. They will throw the flag to basically get a free time out on defense. I can't stop all momentum.

Matt Nagy's decision to call 45 passes and only 15 runs against the Packers was 'incompetence.'

Matt Nagy was also terrible because I know the offensive line wasn't doing a great job and they couldn't really block but holy shit, man, 45 passes and 15 runs. You can't do that, right, when you have a defense like we have. So it was incompetence.

Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden are 100% to blame for the Antonio Brown situation

I have a take on this no one to blame. But Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden are 100% to blame Mike Mayock you brought this headcase in Antonio Brown has proven time and time again that he's a dickhead. He has done nothing to disprove that. ... When he comes and he does exactly what you expected him to do. You cannot be surprised.

Antonio Brown will never play a single game for the Raiders

Here's my take: [Antonio Brown] is not going to ever play a game as a Raider. I think they're either going to cut him. They're probably not going to be able to trade him anywhere.

The Buccaneers' offense will be a lot better this year because of Bruce Arians.

I like Bruce Arians. I like Jameis Winston more than I like them last year. I think that the offense is going to be a lot better.

The Lions' defense will 'fuck up' the Cardinals in Week 1

I think the Detroit Lions are Going to be a little bit better than people expect. I think their defense is going to be very good and I think their defense will fuck up the Cardinals week one. Kyler Murray not-ready-for-prime-time.

The Dolphins +6.5 is a 'dog' that will cover against the Ravens because of 'Fitzmagic'

My dog is the Dolphins plus 6.5 against the Ravens at home. My seven-win Dolphins. Ryan Fitzmagic. It's early in the season. ... All I'm going off of is last year Ryan Fitzpatrick played well when he first got in.

The LSU offense is going to 'explode' this season

We always spread offense man. I'm excited about it with the talent we have the quarterback we have. I'm looking forward to this offense is really exploding the season.

Donovan McNabb should be a Hall of Famer

I think that Donovan McNabb should be a Hall of Famer. I mean going against him every single year. ... He found ways of run the ball found ways to throw to get the ball down the field. I think that he is a Hall of Fame.

Tony Romo would be a Hall of Famer if he had won one championship

I feel like Tony Romo was a guy [that] if he had his Peak was gonna hit one Championship. [He'd] been [in the Hall of Fame]. Yeah. I probably agree.

The Cowboys can win a championship this season

I feel like they can win a championship this year man. I feel like they can do it, but it's all about how they start off right now with they got a lot of NFC East games coming up early.

The best way for a celebrity to let off steam anonymously would have been to use their real name on the Jeremy Renner app.

If you're a celebrity this is so tragic that it got shut down because if you wanted to just let off some steam the perfect place to do it would be on the Jeremy Renner app under your real name because no one everyone would just think it was a fake celebrity.

Jehovah's Witnesses should carry pizzas to get people to open their doors.

If they just had a pizza in their hand you always open the door if somebody is holding a pizza. Why don't the Jehovah's Witnesses instead of holding that the little pamphlet ... just have a pizza box that says watch tower on it and the open it up. You have a pizza boom conversations there.

The Jaguars will go from worst to first in the AFC South.

Jaguars. That division is like Andrew Luck's gone. I don't know what the Titans offense is going to be. ... I think it's got to be the Jaguars.

Joe Flacco is a downgrade at quarterback from Trevor Siemian for the Broncos.

The Broncos ... they got Joe Flacco. That's a downgrade from Trevor Siemian.

Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because of Zeno's paradox

If you really want to get philosophical ... Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because in order to get ten yards you first have to go five yards. And then you have to get five yards. You have to go two and a half yards and so you will never actually make it all the way to a down.

Solving a Rubik's cube doesn't mean you're smart, it just means you've memorized a pattern.

You're not smart if you get it once you get it you cease to be smart because you can just do it again. ... Solving a puzzle is that way because we can reverse what you did.

Antonio Brown is all the way back and going to be unstoppable

Antonio Brown at the Hard Knocks bump. Yes. He looks like he's all the way back and it's going to be unstoppable.

The 2019 season of Hard Knocks earns a score of 2.8 out of 5 balls

Finale of Hard Knocks. Balls, I'm giving it two point eight balls. Five ball system. I'd say two and a half if it wasn't very good... Jon Gruden saved it.

Mark Davis is a legitimate draw who puts 'asses in the seats' because people are fascinated by his appearance

Mark Davis puts asses in the seats. That's a fact. Yeah. It's true. It's one way or the other whether you're repulsed or [intrigued]... you will want to show up to look at watch Mark Davis's ass on a seat standing in an office.

Ezekiel Elliott is definitely going to play on Sunday

I am I feel like is this crazy to say but anytime a guy [Zeke] like he's gonna play on Sunday. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you will.

Jerry Jones is powerful enough to unilaterally increase the NFL salary cap to sign his players

I think Jerry Jones has enough power that he can actually just make the cap go up like he could go to the owners meeting and be like, 'hey guys, caps going up because I need to sign everyone.'

The Mets' season is officially over after their 7-run ninth-inning collapse

My hot seat is Mets... They blow a 7-run lead in the ninth... it's clearly over.

People in Australia greet each other by eating ass as casually as a handshake

In Australia you eat ass like you're shaking hands. That's a classic hello.

Larry the Goldfish will finish higher in the Las Vegas Supercontest than thousands of humans

Larry... will do better than thousands of people in the Las Vegas [Supercontest]. He makes five picks a week... you can say that you own a gambling goldfish that will do better than thousands of people.

The Jaguars will beat the Chiefs in Week 1

Every jackass out there is going to be betting on the Chiefs. Not me. I'm going to take the Jags and win because I'm smart.

An Eagles, Seahawks, and Ravens moneyline parlay is a lock that cannot lose

The Philadelphia Eagles at home against the [Redskins] win. Seahawks at home against the Bengals. The Ravens in Miami. All the money line parlay even money. How does that lose? It cannot lose.

Eli Manning deserves to start for the Giants and shouldn't be benched for the rookie yet

I'm gonna say Eli [over Daniel Jones]... I think he deserves... after the way he was benched two years ago, I think he deserves... One Last [run]. I don't know if you want to throw the rookie in right away.

The Knicks will make an Eastern Conference Finals in my lifetime

Will the Knicks make an Eastern Conference Finals in your lifetime? I'm gonna say yes, but I think I'm being too optimistic about that.

The Yankees will win the World Series this year

Yankees gonna win the World Series? I really think they are. This feels [right]. I feel like in couple of years past last two three years, we've been optimistic... I feel like we're [due].

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT of tennis over Roger Federer

I hate to say this but Novak's got two slams in 2019. Federer has none. So he's better right now... he is the goat. All right, and he beat him in Wimbledon. No big deal.