Takes

I bet Alex Rodriguez paid exactly $1 million for Jennifer Lopez's engagement ring even if it cost less

I have a theory about the ring that he gave [Jennifer Lopez]. I think that [Alex Rodriguez] paid exactly $1 million for it. That would be such an [Alex Rodriguez] move, right? He goes in the drawer, and they're like, 'this ring is $600,000.' He's like, 'let me just pay you $1 million for it.'

I will fight Jose Canseco in Alex Rodriguez's honor

Jose Canseco's coming at [Alex Rodriguez]. I'm going to have to fight Jose Canseco... I will fight him. I will fight in [Alex Rodriguez's] honor.

Zion Williamson will play in the ACC tournament this year

Zion is going to play, and he's going to play the ACC tournament. I don't think [they're saving him for the NCAA] because they know you need to get warmed up.

Adnan Syed is definitely guilty

The one you're talking about [Serial] came out five years ago about Adnan Syed. Who I think is really, really guilty. But for some reason, they just... I don't know. He just seems like it was a show about a guy that was guilty that had very charming murderer.

Tiger Woods will win the Masters this year

Tiger will win the Masters this year. [If he doesn't] I'll get Hank two years of tuna fish for his cat.

Many NBA players are insecure because of the constant criticism on social media

I feel like a lot of guys are very insecure. And that's what social media kind of does a little bit. You always see bad, I mean, you see good things, but you see a lot of bad things... being open to that much criticism on a day-in and day-out basis can kind of fuck with your mind.

Detroit sports fans are better than L.A. fans because they are more 'locked in'

I actually really do like the sports fans [in Detroit]. There's good sports fans in L.A., but there's so much stuff going on that people don't really care that much. So Detroit, when you're rolling, it feels like everywhere you go, people know what's going on. They know whether you lost last night. I love fans that actually know what's going on.

Steve Ballmer's attempt to shake my hand before our game was a PR stunt and I didn't like it

I saw [Steve Ballmer], but I'm just like, I'm already done... He wanted [the handshake] for cameras. Absolutely cool. And yeah, I just didn't like it.

If I were Zion Williamson, I would play again for Duke this season

Yeah, I would play. At the end of the day, you've got to play basketball. I totally get it. If he wanted to sit out, I wouldn't be like, 'oh, that's BS.' If he wants to sit out, cool, but I personally would play.

The NBA's one-and-done rule should be abolished

[The one-and-done rule] should go away. A hundred percent.

No one wants to face the Pistons in the playoffs when we are hot

I think, yeah, teams at this point, if we keep this momentum up, I think you never really want to see the team that's hot [the Pistons].

Coach K is faking Zion Williamson's injury status just to secure a one-seed

The stay woke out there is that [Zion Williamson] is not coming back, and it's this more serious injury than people realize, and Coach K is just faking that he's going to come back so that he can possibly get a one-seed. Because they won't give him a one-seed if Zion's not going to play.

The NFL should replace all officials with combat veterans and Navy SEALs

Jay Glazer... has maybe the greatest idea ever. Hire all new officials—all combat veterans, special operations backgrounds, go hire a bunch of Navy SEALs, Marine Recon, Delta Force, those guys. They literally can react faster than the rest of the world, even when bullets are flying... and also coaches will be a little less inclined to rip into them out on the sideline.

I will never change my clocks for Daylight Savings again as a test of mental strength

I didn't change any of my clocks in my house, and I made it. It's so satisfying when it turns back. It's just like a battle of strength and wit against my own brain.

LeBron James passing Michael Jordan's scoring record felt hollow because it happened on a terrible Lakers team

Obviously LeBron's career is unassailable at this point... But don't you think it felt a little hollow, the fact that he's doing it on a terrible Lakers team? If it happened in Cleveland, it would have been a lot bigger of a moment in my mind.

Alex Caruso is a crisis actor from central casting

Caruso is not a real person. I'm convinced that Caruso is a crisis actor. They went to Central Casting in Hollywood, and they were like, we need somebody that looks like he's had all this talent drained by the Monstars.

Kyler Murray may have slept upside down or on a decline to temporarily lengthen his spine for the combine

Our speculation was that he [Kyler Murray] may have slept upside down for a few days or weeks... or on a decline because we're told that that lengthens your spine a little bit. So there's a number of ways that you can game this.

Charlie Casserly's criticism of Kyler Murray's leadership is a direct contradiction of his past views

Already Charlie Casserly has contradicted himself. People definitely question Baker Mayfield's leadership, his maturity, the ball grabbing, all these things... [Kyler Murray] has literally lost two games in his entire life playing football from high school on.

Steph Curry is the most disrespected superstar in the NBA by his own peers

I think [Steph Curry] is the most disrespected by his peers superstar, which is weird... I feel like a lot of the athletes hate Steph. In some way, it's some bad thing because he had this awesome upbringing... it felt like all five of these guys had ad campaigns built on addressing the haters.

LeBron James will never win another NBA championship

The easiest thing to do in these shows is you just sit out there and you go, I'm guaranteeing it right now LeBron's never winning a championship. It's actually the better bet to make because these are really hard... People at the end of [Kobe's] run don't want to go play with him now. And that was real... I can see where it could go that way [for LeBron].

The Lakers' failure to trade for Anthony Davis backfired because they made the process too nasty

I get that they thought they had to go nuclear to get Anthony Davis out of there because you can't ask nicely for a trade. You have to make it nasty, and those guys tried to make it nasty, and it backfired for a million different reasons.

The Denver Nuggets are actually a good basketball team, not just a regular season mirage

No, the Nuggets are good. I just can't take them seriously until... I just have a hard time with things that are new. [But] the Nuggets are legit.

James Harden will be officiated differently and less favorably in the NBA playoffs

I also think Harden's going to be officiated differently in the playoffs because people are just going to harp on it and be like, all right, so what's the story with this guy? You're just going to let him travel for seven games? You can use your right arm and chuck defenders to the ground?

DeMarcus Cousins will be the downfall of the Warriors' chemistry

Last night was the beginning of the end for DeMarcus Cousins fitting in. He was so bad in that game... Afterwards, a reporter actually said, like, hey, what do you think about your defense? He's like, what do you think? ... I just think that the Boogie thing's going to get worse and worse.

I could beat up Steph Curry and Klay Thompson in a fight

I don't think Klay would care. Klay would be like, dude, I'm just going to tap out. Is that cool? ... Steph, the thing is, is what if Steph beats me? ... I don't think Steph would beat you. I think you could use your dialing... I'm going to give you two and a half out of five [starters].

It is widely accepted that every leader in Louisiana will eventually be removed from office in handcuffs

Listen, it's widely accepted in Louisiana that every single leader is going to be removed from office in handcuffs. And that goes all the way from governor... all the way to basketball coach at LSU.

College coaches should only be punished for cheating if they win the national championship

I think you should only get punished for cheating if you win the national championship.

The Chicago Bears should not have signed a kicker whose literal last name is 'Blewett'

Bears signed Blewett to help kicking woes. And that's a headline. Wait, your kicker, what's his name? Why the fuck did we do this? That's the dumbest thing ever... You can't sign a guy named Blewett.

LeBron James is tanking the Lakers' season to lure Kevin Durant to Los Angeles

The one thing I'm keeping an eye on here, I think LeBron might be tanking this season on purpose because KD is going to want to do the opposite thing that he did last time he was a free agent. He wants to go to perhaps the worst team in the league. Right now that looks like the Los Angeles Lakers because they just lost to the worst team in the league two nights ago. So I think that this is LeBron James setting up a long, long proposition here.

The Lakers are officially dead and will not make the playoffs

The Lakers, I'm done chaining them. They are five and a half games back with 18 games to play. They basically have to run the table. They have no chance. They have to run the table to sneak into that last spot. So this is going to be a total failure.

The Celtics can still beat the 76ers, Bucks, and Raptors in a playoff series

The thing with the Celtics and the thing with the Eastern Conference is that, yes, the Celtics are kind of a dumpster fire right now... but I could still see a situation where the Celtics could beat the Sixers, they could beat the Bucks, they could beat the Raptors. And all it takes is you need to win one series, and then it's like everything going forward.

Kyrie Irving's weird behavior is just a quarter-life crisis

My take on this is that Kyrie Irving, he's 26 years old, and I think this is actually a very relatable thing. Stars are just like us. The quarter-life crisis. Kyrie Irving's going through his quarter-life crisis. Everyone hits that point in your mid to late 20s where you're like, what's the meaning of life?

Kyrie Irving is a method actor who has become stuck as the character Uncle Drew

I think he's a method actor. I think when he got into character as Uncle Drew, as like a baby boomer, now he hates all millennials around him. He's a character actor right now and he's still stuck. Andy Kaufman got stuck playing [characters], his mind got messed up. Can you imagine that, playing a character for so long that it starts to affect your brain and everything that you do?

All porn history will be public knowledge within 10 years

I'm very long woke on the fact that eventually all of our porn history is going to come out. Within 10 years, you're going to know what kind of porn your president watches.

The Giants are crazy for letting Landon Collins walk for nothing

My hot seat is the New York Giants. So they won't franchise tag Landon Collins. They're going to let him walk. The guy who's 25 years old, made three Pro Bowls, seems to be like the heart of the locker room. So the Giants are letting him walk. And essentially, I think the Giants' plan is to just keep paying Eli forever.

I guarantee the Virginia Cavaliers will make the Elite Eight

I have decided that I'm going to take the Virginia Cavaliers for real. I'm guaranteeing an Elite Eight appearance. Because they'll get a one seed... they'll get a one seed, and I think Duke will get a one seed, and the only team that can beat him is Duke.

The Virginia Cavaliers will lose to a 16-seed again

The Harvard of the South is not in a position to win anything this postseason... They'll lose to a 16. I'm a big trends guy, and right now in their last one, the Cavaliers are 0 for 1 against 16th seeds. I'm going to take the over for the Cavaliers in every single game. They'll only play one.

I would bet the house on Virginia in their first-round game against a 16-seed

Actually, we should hammer [Virginia] against the 16th seed. They will take it so seriously, and that's a game that they will have to win by like 40. They can't ever be losing in that game.

Tom Brady is definitively the best quarterback of all time

The best quarterback of all time would be Tom Brady. That would be my opinion. Well, I would back it up with facts. The facts are he's won six Super Bowls. I do have two sources that have confirmed that Tom Brady is the best quarterback of all time. My left eye and my right eye.

Antonio Brown will be traded within the next few weeks

Antonio Brown could be traded in the next few weeks. Antonio Brown could be traded. That's how we legally guard ourselves. So when he gets traded, I want you to credit me.

Jason Witten returning to the Cowboys was the best move for him personally

Honestly, this was the best thing for him to do. Now, the people that didn't like him as a broadcaster, they're happy. Dallas is thrilled. It was a great move on his part.

NFL owners, not Roger Goodell, will decide Robert Kraft's punishment

I don't think it's going to be Roger Goodell that does the things regarding Robert Kraft. I think it's going to be owners that do the things. The fellow owners. Roger Goodell, his bosses are the owners. And I believe his bosses will ultimately decide how the situation is handled.

LeBron James activating 'playoff mode' is a guarantee he won't win another title

Playoff mode for LeBron means that he's not going to win another title. So he is currently in playoff mode. ... He has played 10,000 hours of losing basketball in the playoffs, though. So he's very used to that.

DK Metcalf is destined to be drafted by the Raiders

He's a Raider. Basically, Matt Millen and Al Davis' corpse are going to have a celebrity death match to see who can come back and draft him.

DK Metcalf's 1.6% body fat is a huge red flag

1.6% body fat is actually a huge red flag for me. Have a burger, man. You're a psycho if you have 1.6% body fat.

The Steelers will trade Antonio Brown somewhere he hates just to spite him

I think we're at the point now where the Steelers are going to trade him to somewhere he doesn't want to go and just fuck him over.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

Good indication of the sport of the future. I saw that highlight on my feed more than baseball, rugby, basketball, any other sport.

If the US prioritized rugby, we would be the best football country in the world

At this point, if the U.S. took our best rugby players from a young age and taught them football, we would be the best football country in the world. That's how good our rugby team is.

Jason Witten was essentially fired by ESPN

Jason Witten just got fired. Let's just call it what it is. If he was good at his job, he would not have gone back. I think ESPN was essentially like, dude, we're not saying you're fired, but... you're fired.

Prime 47 is a better steakhouse than St. Elmo's in Indianapolis

Prime 47 versus St. Elmo's. I have Prime 47. I thought St. Elmo's is you go for the shrimp cocktail, but after that, the menu doesn't have a lot to offer.