Takes

Tom Brady's ultimate goal is to win more championships than any individual NFL franchise has in total

He [Brady] wants to get more championships than any other franchise has by himself.

I am 80% confident the Patriots will beat the Chiefs in Kansas City

[Big Cat]: What's your confidence level going to Kansas City? [Hank]: 80%.

Damien Williams will be my breakout star for the 2019 NFL season

I like Damien Williams, by the way... I think he's going to be – that's the PFT breakout star next year.

Patrick Mahomes points too much for first downs

My other thing I noticed about Patrick Mahomes... he points too much. He points too much for first downs.

The front of Patrick Mahomes' helmet is way too big

The front of his helmet, that big white space, it's way too big. Don't you think? It should at least have some writing on it, right?

The Cowboys are in absolute purgatory with Dak Prescott

What do you do with Jason Garrett and Dak? Because now I feel like the Cowboys are in absolute purgatory because Dak did... just enough to make you think that he's the guy, but also missed enough throws and looked just, like, so shitty in the pocket at times to be like, this guy can't do it. He is the perfect test case of how the hell can you give him money?

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America is the end of civilization

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America... fucking ridiculous... This is the end of our civilization, folks. Everything that we stood on for the longest time, America, what it was founded on, not feeling bad for kickers when they fuck up. Guess what? It's over. You got one job to do.

To beat Tom Brady, you must have a completely different second-half game plan

The thing with Tom is if he knows what you're in, he's going to the right place. So without disguising coverages and giving him his own coverage, you've got no chance... in the second half, we had a totally different game plan. So you knew that they were going to go into the locker room, get it figured out. So you had to have a second pitch within the game plan.

Most of the young offensive coaches being hired in the current 'copycat' cycle will struggle

I imagine that this [hiring young offensive coaches] will be the same thing. Everybody's trying to copycat and catch on to this trend. But, look, being a head coach is hard... there's going to be a lot of guys who struggle.

The Saints have the strongest combination of defense and special teams remaining in the playoffs

I like their combination of defense and special teams... I would say New Orleans is probably [the strongest].

The Gatorade color for the Super Bowl winner will be lemon-lime

I think we were traditional on our sidelines. I would go lemon-lime.

Quarterback is the coolest position in all of sports

Being the quarterback on an NFL team is the coolest thing you can do in sports. Like, it is. It just is. It's always going to be the coolest thing. It's always going to be the top of the mountain in terms of position, sport, you name it, quarterback, NFL, will always trump almost everything else.

Kyler Murray isn't worth first-round money and won't be good in the NFL because he's under six feet tall

Since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970, there have been 107 QBs selected in the first round of the draft... [Number of QBs shorter than six feet]: Zero. So... Kyler Murray might not be worth all the money that he thinks he's worth in the NFL... or he's not going to be as good in the NFL as people think he is because he's not that tall.

The secret to beating Duke is to poke Zion Williamson in the eye

Turns out the way to beat Duke or come close to beating Duke is just poke Zion in the eye and he just won't come back in the game. A little soft.

The college basketball arm hook rule will cause an apocalypse in the tournament

This is going to cause absolute hell during the NCAA tournament. You're going to have stars foul out because of this weird flagrant foul thing. It's going to swing games, too. It's going to be awful. Once people realize how bad this rule is, the NCAA is going to be an apocalypse.

NyQuil Listerine is a million-dollar product idea

NyQuil Listerine. Both of these things, they look the same. Basically the same packaging. Combine them into one... You have your Dayquil Listerine for the morning and the Nightquil Listerine for night.

The Chiefs don't get enough credit for being hilariously bad in the playoffs

The Chiefs don't get enough credit for being hilariously bad in the playoffs... 1-11 in their last 12 playoff games. That is so, so bad. And I actually feel bad for Kansas City fans because it's one of those stats that I didn't even believe when I saw.

The Chiefs are actually 1-3 in their last six games if you exclude their wins against the Raiders.

The Chiefs are 1-3 in their last six games if you only count real teams, not the Raiders. Besides that [beating the Raiders twice], they're 1-3 in their last six. So I'm saying it doesn't look good.

Patrick Mahomes will likely lose his first career playoff game because first-time quarterbacks are 13-30 in the postseason since 2002.

First time quarterbacks straight up in the playoffs since 2002, 13 and 30. All three lost last weekend: Lamar Jackson, Mitch Trubisky and Deshaun Watson. So will Patrick Mahomes... I'm excited to watch him play, but it feels like, oh, my God. You can't just keep having heartbreak in Kansas City, can you?

I'm taking the Chiefs and the Over in their divisional round game against the Colts.

I took the over in this game. I love the over in this game... no way it loses... I'm going to take the Chiefs, and I'm going to take the over. Yeah, the over's so easy.

I'm taking the Cowboys to win or cover against the Rams

Cowboys at Rams. Rams are minus seven... I'm taking the Cowboys. And I'm just saying it out loud. I do this every single divisional round. I always overstate what I've seen from wildcard rounds. So in my mind, I always go to divisional round and say, well, the Cowboys are 1-0 in their last one, and the Rams haven't played in a week... So the Cowboys are hot.

The current blueprint for getting hired as an NFL coach is being a young, attractive, short white man who has met Sean McVay.

If you have had a conversation with Sean McVay that's lasted more than one hour, you're probably a QB whisperer and we're going to hire you... Just any young, somewhat attractive white guy that's short, I'm all in.

I'd rather have the Milf Hunter on my team than the Wolf Hunter (Leighton Vander Esch).

I'd rather have the milf hunter on my team than the wolf hunter. Oh, man. Remember that guy? He was such a legend.

This is Philip Rivers' last best chance for a Super Bowl

This one [Chargers-Patriots] means a lot because we not only have Phil Rivers, probably his... I'm not going to say his last best chance for a Super Bowl, but this seems like his last best chance for a Super Bowl.

I'm taking the Chargers to beat the Patriots

I love Phil Rivers in this game. I like their running game. I like their defense... I'm taking the Chargers, baby.

The real blueprint to beat the Patriots is forcing Tom Brady to play wide receiver and making Rob Gronkowski play safety.

I'm going to tell you how to beat the Patriots right now... You got to make Tom Brady play wide receiver, and you got to make Rob Gronkowski play safety. If you can do those two things... those are PFT's [keys] to the game.

The Eagles will cover +8 against the Saints because I'm taking all the underdogs and Nick Foles has something special going on.

I'm taking the Eagles. I'm taking all the underdogs this week... I feel like eight is too much. And Nick Foles, whatever's going on, I don't know... I'm taking the Eagles.

The Saints are going to kick the shit out of the Eagles; it's the end of the line for them.

I think that they're going to kick the shit out of the Eagles. I think it's the end of the line for them.

Kyler Murray is making the right choice by choosing the NFL over MLB

Kyler Murray making the right choice, playing a real man's sport... This is the right choice, wouldn't you say?... even 32, Lamar Jackson got $7 million guaranteed last year... Kyler Murray, if he goes to Major League Baseball, he's already behind the clock... basically betting, like, the money would be better right now for the NFL. It's guaranteed in the first round.

Cliff Kingsbury is overrated in terms of attractiveness

I don't think Cliff Kingsbury is as hot as people are saying he is... wearing sunglasses all the time in pictures is the easiest way to make people think you're more attractive than you really are... I really do think he's got a weird mouth. A little sideways.

I wouldn't be as successful as I am today if I were tall.

I love being short... If I was tall, then my level of success wouldn't be where it is. Short is part of the reason why I was able to get to where I got.

It is hard to put any player past Michael Jordan in the GOAT conversation, but LeBron James' numbers will be undeniable.

It's tough for me to put anybody past the Jordan conversation, but it's going to be hard to deny these numbers that LeBron James is going to have.

Will Ferrell is the funniest person I've ever worked with

Will Ferrell is up there. Will Ferrell is by far the funniest person I've ever worked with. I would definitely say that... Will Ferrell's level of funny on and off the camera is extremely high. It's effortless.

Eddie Murphy is the funniest person of all time to hang out with

Well, you know, I work with this person, too, and he's the GOAT. But now, hanging out, nobody's funnier than Eddie Murphy... He's that good.

Modern outrage culture has replaced the simple act of 'not supporting' comedy you don't like with active attempts to tear it down.

We forgot the days of just not supporting. Right? You know what I mean?... Now you're finding that people are speaking out on people that they have no interest in supporting at all. So you speak out and you start these things on individuals that you just don't find talented in. At all.

My Oscar monologue was actually really good.

It was fucking actually really good... One of them, I was just going to talk about just how uptensed and so uptight [everyone is]... I was going to pull up a fucking sizzle reel of me but in all my movies doing serious lines so the comics [could laugh].

The Eagles have a real legitimate shot at beating the Saints because of Nick Foles

Philadelphia all day. That's as a fan... As a real sports guy, we have a real legitimate shot at beating the Saints... And I say that because of Foles. Foles, regardless of the numbers, acts as a heart to that system when they feel like they're the underdogs... if we get past this game, we should be in the Super Bowl.

Tim Tebow will be called up to the Major Leagues this year

Tim Tebow is going to get called up to the Mets this year... You'd have to be a major league idiot to not call Tim Tebow up.

Alabama is the worst 14-1 team of all time

Is Alabama the worst 14-1 team of all time? There probably is a team out there, and remember when I told you a little trivia, 1897 was the last time the team went 15-0... I think they got dethroned by Alabama.

Nick Saban got significantly outcoached by Dabo Swinney in the National Championship

Not only was it an ass-kicking, Nick Saban got outcoached. He got outcoached. He was outcoached by far.

Nick Saban looked like an anaconda squeezing the life out of himself because he got outcoached

Little Nick Saban looked like he was going to explode on the sidelines. He got outcoached. He was outcoached by far. He does the thing where when he's really mad, you can tell because he just turns red and he crosses his arms and he just squeezes his own body. And he was like an anaconda squeezing the life out of himself because he knows he's not going to get that nut after the game that he needs.

Something is wrong with Alabama's coaching staff for packing it in before halftime with three timeouts

The end of the first half when Nick Saban, Tua [Tagovailoa] has about 50 seconds, 45 seconds, three timeouts... you have a prolific offense and I think they maybe ran two plays and said, you know what, let's pack it in. We'll take all three timeouts and go into the locker room. I was like, what is going on right now? Something is wrong with Alabama's coaching staff or their game plan, whatever it may be.

Clemson is the new standard in college football

I would say that Clemson's the standard right now. Clemson is really, really good offensively. They've got [Trevor] Lawrence coming back for, I think, five more years. He's 19. Who basically hung 50-burger on Nick Saban.

The blueprint to beating Tua Tagovailoa is hitting him in the groin in the first quarter

The blueprints out there for how to beat Tua [Tagovailoa] is hit him in his dick in the first quarter, and then he'll just be thinking about his balls for the rest of the game.

The National Championship winner should have to play Georgia for the 'real' title every year

There should be a plus one at the end of every single national championship where the winner, the title winner, gets to play Georgia for the real National Championship. Say what you want about Georgia, but they have exciting games against Alabama. And Clemson ruined it.

Trevor Lawrence didn't carve apart Alabama; he just threw jump balls that his receivers caught

I actually, this is a little bit of a hot take. I think [Trevor Lawrence] is going to be special, but I didn't walk away from that game being like, wow, he carved them apart. He threw a bunch of jump balls that the Alabama defense was terrible and the Clemson wide receivers made awesome plays.

Trevor Lawrence is Teddy Bridgewater 2.0

He's like a six-month-old dog... His paws are big. He's got skinny shoulders. He's got skinny hips. Skinny knees. He's like Teddy Bridgewater 2.0.

5'9" is now 'Heisman height' because of Kyler Murray

We're rebranding 5'9". Now it's Heisman height. That's what we're calling it. I'm 5'9". Perfectly average height for a scat back.

Drake jinxes teams publicly and then bets against them to profit privately

Drake, is he the best gambler in the world? Because he basically wears the clothing of the team and then bets against them. And it always works in his way. So he wears Kentucky clothes, or he says he's an Alabama fan, and then he bets against them in the big game and cashes his tickets.

It is never against the law to eat food that you found on the road

They're just trying to scare you. Don't listen to them. It's never against the law to eat food that you found on the road. Actually, as a taxpayer in Alabama, that's your food.