Takes

Vikings GM Rick Spielman's game day routine is absolute insanity

Rick Spielman... eats the same breakfast sandwich: fried egg, bacon, and peanut butter on a wheat round. He shaves the left side of his face, then the right. He puts his shoes and socks on before his pants. Leaves his house at the same time so he can arrive at the stadium at 8... uses the same pump, and makes sure always to end his purchase on a zero. Zeros are just good.

You should be allowed to walk your dog in just boxers and slippers before 9 AM

If you have a dog and it's before 9 a.m., you should be able to walk on the street in just boxers... boxers and slippers. And people can't say anything. It's the dog walking rule.

Calgary's Saddledome is a complete shithole

It's really cool to look at from the outside, but it's a complete shithole. For a current day pro sports arena, it's in the very, very low bottom percentage of that entire list.

Montreal is the best atmosphere in North American hockey

Montreal... you should see this place. Just the fans right on top of you... the seats just go straight up. It's loud as hell. The French are completely nuts. By far and away, it was my favorite place to play.

Teams play better on 'Dad Trips' because they are afraid of being tortured by their fathers for playing poorly

It's not even about like, I want to play good in front of my dad. It's like, if I play bad, I'm going to get tortured by my dad like I did when I was 11. If I didn't play good in the NHL, he'd still give me the same shit. I'd get on the bus, sit next to me, wouldn't talk to me.

NBA players are egotistical 'assholes' compared to modest NHL players

It's the ego on these assholes [in the NBA] to think that they're bigger than the team. They're bigger than the league... LeBron carries wine into the fucking game. Looking like a clown. And by the way, no hockey player would ever do that. They're going to say my teammates are the best teammates of all time because they don't need everything to be about them.

NHL players skip the All-Star game to win titles, while NBA players go to 'get kills' and get recognized

NHL players care about their team and trying to win the Stanley Cup. And by skipping the All-Star game, they're going to save themselves a cross-country flight and Alexander Ovechkin will be ready to play in the playoffs as opposed to wasting energy going back and forth across the country. NBA players just want to try to get some kills in a city where they're going to get recognized because they're all 7'1 and have huge wrenches.

The NFC North is currently a league of coaches named Matt

The next one is going to be – fuck, I wrote down the name. I think it's going to be Zach Taylor... But bonus point, if your name's Matt, because now the NFC North has three Matts as their head coaches. Three out of four Matts.

Josh McDaniels might be blackballed from NFL head coaching jobs

I think he has to sit out a couple years for what he did to the Colts, don't you? Do you think Josh McDaniels is a blackball case? Put that ahead of Colin Kaepernick.

Derrick Rose's 'kill yourself' comment was not a slip of the tongue

Derrick Rose said, 'everyone that thinks that it's going to stop, kill yourself.' ... He then doubled down on it. He said, 'like I said before, kill yourself.' ... When you say it twice, you don't get the slip of the tongue tag. When you double down, the slip of the tongue doesn't work anymore.

You only get to break one TV in your life due to sports anger

I have a take. I think everyone gets one TV in their life to break. If you show that much passion about a team, then you probably have a lively personality... You got one TV to break in your life. Use it wisely.

Men who buy cats are betas who want to be dominated by an animal

You're dealing with a cat guy here. Cat guys are not alphas. Not an expert negotiator. He basically got a cat because he's such a beta that he wants an animal that will dominate him... If you get a cat as a male in the United States past the age of 10 years old because you want it, you should not be allowed to date one of our American women. Go to France.

Jeff Fisher will not get another NFL head coaching job this year

Will [Jeff Fisher] get a job? No. ... If anybody is pursuing him, it is either being done very secretly or an owner is going to get to a spot where he says, you know what? I don't like any of these options. Let's go get Jeff Fisher. That's the only way it's going to happen this year.

The Cleveland Browns are going to be good in 2019

I think that they are, we'll get to this later, but Browns, it's looking good for you guys next year. Really good.

The Eagles' offensive line deserves more credit for keeping Khalil Mack and the Bears' pass rush clean

I will give credit, Nick Foles, the Eagles' offensive line was unbelievable. They basically kept Khalil Mack and the pass rush pretty much clean all night.

Offensive lines prefer blocking for a pocket statue like Nick Foles over a mobile quarterback like Carson Wentz

There's something about blocking for a guy like Nick Foles as opposed to blocking for a guy like Carson Wentz. You're like, I know Nick Foles is basically a statue. He's going to be in the pocket. I know where I have to block my guy.

The Colts have all the pieces to make a run to the Super Bowl

Credit to the Colts because I think the Colts could actually go to the Super Bowl. What they did to the Texans' defensive line was incredible. ... I do think the Colts have all the pieces to get to the Super Bowl.

I will keep making the pinky bet until I actually lose the tip of my pinky

I'm addicted to it, and next year I'm going to pick a team to cut my pinky off if they win the Super Bowl. ... I will not stop this bet until I cut off the tip of my pinky.

Alabama vs Clemson will end in a 35-31 score

35-31. ... That's it. That's my prediction. 35-31.

The Saints will win the NFC

I think that the Saints win that [the NFC] at home. I think it's going to be Saints out of the NFC.

The Patriots don't have what it takes to win the Super Bowl this year

Any team from the AFC, I could see winning the Super Bowl, actually. Absolutely. Except for the Patriots. I don't think the Patriots really have what it takes.

The Rams will beat the Cowboys convincingly

I think the Rams are going to kick the shit out of [the Cowboys].

The Chargers will beat the Patriots straight up

I'll make you bet straight up. I do think that the Chargers are going to win. There you go. I really do.

Middling NBA teams should hire Tom Thibodeau for a short-term boost

If you're any middling NBA team out there, why not hire Tom Thibodeau right now? He's at least good to give you a little bit of juice for a few months. ... He's like steroids. Really good short-term. Bad for your hips.

John Harbaugh has all the leverage in Baltimore and would require at least a first-round pick in a trade

If they were going to extend [John Harbaugh], they'd extend it by now. He has all the leverage here. ... I think it's got to at least be a first-round pick at least a first-round pick before the Ravens will do it.

The price for Dak Prescott's contract extension went up after the Seahawks win

Whatever they wanted to pay him, it went up on Saturday night because he played at a higher level. ... I think that they're in good hands with Prescott now.

If Nick Foles beats the Saints, the Eagles have to keep him and trade Carson Wentz

If Foles pulls it off again, if he's got one more rabbit up his ass that he can pull out in that [Saints] game, then I think that's the point where you have to say, you know what, Carson Wentz is a better quarterback, but we're a better team with Nick Foles, and we just have to accept it and move forward with him.

Carson Wentz isn't a franchise quarterback because he plays recklessly and isn't available

With Wentz, the problem is this. It's not how he plays. It's that he's not available to play. And if you can't keep yourself on the field every week, every year, then how can you call yourself a franchise quarterback? ... Carson Wentz still plays recklessly.

The Steelers must get Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown in a room to iron out their problems because Brown is too valuable to move

The thinking is you've got to find a way to work this out. He's too valuable to the team. It's going to be too disruptive financially to move him. And I think the problem ... it's Antonio Brown and Ben Roethlisberger. ... They've got to get both of them in the room, and they've got to figure out, can we make this work?

Bill Belichick respects Kliff Kingsbury and would consider him to replace Josh McDaniels

Bill Belichick, I'm told, respects Kingsbury, and he's one of the guys that they would consider if Josh McDaniels actually leaves this year.

The Buccaneers have hired Bruce Arians as head coach and Todd Bowles as defensive coordinator

I'm told that the Buccaneers have hired Bruce Arians as head coach and Todd Bowles as defense coordinator to be announced.

The 2018-19 NFL playoffs are the most wide-open in history

I've been saying it. It is the most wide-open playoffs we've ever had, and I'm excited. Yeah, three of the four games [this weekend] are under a field goal in terms of the point spread.

The Saturday afternoon Wild Card game is always the worst game of the NFL season.

We always say this is the shittiest game and it usually is... it's where you get all your jokes off... it's really the Twitter jokes game.

The Colts will beat the Texans in the Wild Card round

My pinky's on the line, and I'm not saying this just because my pinky's on the line. I think the Colts are going to win this game.

The Texans will blow out the Colts

I'm taking the Texans. Texans blow them out.

Jerry Jones' skin turns significantly paler when the Cowboys are losing.

Any time you have Jason Garrett on the sideline and a shot of Jerry Jones getting paler and paler as the game goes on. He ends up being like royal family in England white by the end of the game if they're doing poorly.

The Seahawks will beat the Cowboys

My pick here is I'm going to go with Seattle. I am too. I'm going with Seattle.

The Ravens will beat the Chargers

I still think the Ravens are going to win. That would be my pick because I just honestly think the Chargers are not built to beat [them]... It's the worst matchup for the Chargers.

The Chargers will beat the Ravens through turnover luck

I'm taking the Chargers. I think Gordon... I don't know... But you know how you get it done? A little turnover magic. A little turnover luck. Lamar Jackson might throw a pick.

The Bears will beat the Eagles easily

I truly mean this. You [Big Cat] don't have anything to worry about. Bears got this. Home playoff game with that defense. You kidding me? You kidding me?

The Eagles will win a close game because Cody Parkey misses a field goal.

I could see the Eagles winning a close game in like a Cody Parkey misses a kick. But just as easily as that, I could see the Bears winning by like 21.

Nick Foles is like Russia because he is nearly impossible to beat in the winter.

There is some weird stuff that happens in December. [Foles] is like Russia. He's very tough to beat in the wintertime.

Bank of America is a terrible company with archaic technology

I'm dealing with the hated Bank of America... Can you imagine Bank of America cannot email things. They can only fax a guy... They sound like you [Big Cat]. My son told me... anybody that uses a fax is by definition an idiot.

Anyone who still uses a fax machine is by definition an idiot.

My son told me, I always remember this, not that long ago, he said anybody that uses a fax is by definition an idiot... I knew the minute I did that, I was going to hear about it.

I am shorting the stocks of Bank of America and Sprint due to their terrible customer service.

I'm shorting Bank of America right now, and I'm also going to short Sprint.

Wearing white cleats makes a football player look significantly faster than wearing black cleats.

White cleats make you look faster... I don't think there's even a conversation... putting black cleats on a white guy... that's like just saying, 'Hey Danny, run your 40-yard dash in quicksand.'

Hunter Henry is one of the best tight ends in the NFL.

Hunter Henry... I think he's one of the best tight ends in the league, and he hasn't even been playing.

The Ravens' run offense is only successful because of Lamar Jackson's threat

The holes are ginormous. Like, and that's the thing that's unbelievable about a running quarterback is you don't have to block certain people because his fake will block a lot of people. You don't have to block the DN [defensive end] to the left because a DN to the left has to, he has to acknowledge Lamar.

NFL teams will figure out Lamar Jackson in his second year

Next year is going to be different. I truly believe that... the coordinators haven't had a year to see what they're doing. You look at a lot of the great running quarterbacks, their first year is pretty nuts, and then the second year, that's when you see if they're really that good.

You should always call tails on a coin toss because 'tails never fails' and people who call heads are weirdos.

I'm personally a tails guy... tails never fails... the people that are saying heads, they're playing with fire... I don't want to be friends with that guy that does... people who call heads are weirdos.