Takes

Antonio Brown will not be traded and will stay with the Steelers in 2019

I'm so excited for Antonio Brown to have to stay with the Steelers next year, and it's going to be such a circus... He's staying with the Steelers. I'm guaranteeing it.

The Carolina Panthers will be on Hard Knocks in 2019

I'm predicting the Panthers for hard knocks officially... they got it in my head, so now I'm just going with it. They have a new owner. We're going to spend three episodes with him.

LeBron James is more of a television star than a basketball player at this point in his career.

I think of LeBron more as a TV star than a basketball player at this point on his own show... LeBron is more of a TV star than a basketball player at this point.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT because he doesn't have to say it

You know who doesn't say they're the GOAT? Michael Jordan, because he knows he's the GOAT. You don't have to say it if you know you're the GOAT... Michael Jordan was asked if he was the greatest of all time and he was like, my career is not over.

LeBron James is the Donald Trump of basketball

LeBron James actually has the exact same take on LeBron James being the goat that you had... LeBron won while he was in Ohio. Won in Florida, both of them. Check, check. They've both got weird hair. Check. Check. LeBron can't win in California. Neither can Trump. Check.

Jason Garrett is the dumbest person alive for playing his starters in Week 17

Jason Garrett wins the Are You the Dumbest Person Alive Award for playing all his starters because he desperately – now, I don't know what you think, but I think it was clear that Jason Garrett wanted to win 10 games so that when Jerry Jones goes to his office next year and is like, hey, I'm thinking about firing you, he's like, but I won 10 games.

The rest of the AFC North should be terrified of the Browns in 2019

By the way, if I'm in the AFC North next year, I'm terrified [of the] Browns. That's the big thing. I don't care who their coach is as long as his name isn't Hue [Jackson].

Mike McCarthy will be the next head coach of the Cleveland Browns

It's going to be Mike McCarthy. Yeah. He's interviewing them, I think, tomorrow. Oh, and he's got it. Yeah. It's just a formality.

I would rather play the Vikings than the Eagles in the playoffs

I actually went back and forth because, listen, I'm not on the team, so I can say this. I would rather play the Vikings than the Eagles. This is not bulletin board material. I think playing the Super Bowl champs, Nick Foles... versus playing Kirk Cousins who cannot beat anyone. Ever. Who has a winning record.

John Elway is the primary problem with the Denver Broncos' front office.

John Elway, the problem is probably you. Because his defense is really good. They've got a really good running back. And then they go out and they get Case Keenum.

Adam Gase will get hired as a head coach almost immediately after being fired by the Dolphins

Dolphins, Adam Gase. I don't even consider this a firing because he's going to get hired almost immediately. And this is just a product of you had Ryan Tannehill as your quarterback.

I will fight Darren Rovell in Rough N' Rowdy with one hand tied behind my back.

Rovell, if you want to answer Dana White's question, what do you know about fighting? The offer is still out there. I will fight you in rough and rowdy with one hand.

LeBron James is definitely paying LaVar Ball to stop talking to the media.

Can we all agree LeBron [James] definitely pays LaVar Ball to shut up? ... He just hasn't talked. ... We just agree it's a fact.

John Gruden loves himself too much to build the Raiders into winners

I think what you're seeing now is that John loves John. It's about John. And, you know, you get rid of Khalil Mack, you get rid of Amari Cooper. Not sure why in the hell you do that because they're two really, really good players, cornerstones you build around... I don't think he can adapt to this player in this day and age right now... He's still about coming in at 3:17 in the morning, writing his own cue cards. He's got to change that. If he can't, he won't be successful.

Andy Reid has completely reinvented his offensive coaching style to thrive in the modern NFL.

Andy Reid is a classic example of a guy that's reinvented everything he does. Think about Andy Reid at Philly. West Coast offense, dink and dunk... Now, it's RPO. It's Tyreek Hill. It's Jet Sweeps. It's Patrick Mahomes. He's changed the entire game.

Rob Gronkowski is no longer the same player and will be available this offseason

This offseason, I'd bet your money and my money, Rob Gronkowski is probably going to be available this offseason. And people are going to say, man, Gronk's available. But if you watch Gronk play, Gronk isn't the same Gronk anymore. Like he can't run the way he used to.

I could beat some professional golfers on the senior tour

I could beat, not be one, I could beat one [professional golfer]... Trevino, all the old guys... At some point, the father time is on my side. I'm 41... An average round for me, if I go out and just play average, I'll shoot in mid-80s.

It is more logical for a football player to piss their pants on the field than to miss a snap by going to the locker room.

Why would I go all the way back to the locker room and maybe miss an important snap that I can help my team? Why not just let it go and move on? ... Especially when you're in the middle of a game, the pants you have on are already sweaty anyway. They got to wash them anyway.

The Chargers and Saints will meet in the Super Bowl.

I'm going for a little bit of, let's go Chargers [versus] Saints. Drew Brees, Philip Rivers, all that. Revenge game against his old team. I like that.

The Steelers will trade Antonio Brown

I think he's going to get traded. I think the craziest part of the story was you've got to really fuck up to get benched, to be the best player on your team and get benched during a game or for a game that would get you into the playoffs.

The strategy of not paying quarterbacks is only true if the quarterback is Kirk Cousins or Matthew Stafford

So essentially the argument that people are tweeting out that you shouldn't pay a quarterback boils down to just don't pay Kirk Cousins or Matt Stafford. That works. That's it... Essentially the entire theory that you should just draft a young quarterback and never pay a quarterback makes no sense because half of the playoffs are quarterbacks that are going to be paid $20 million or more.

Being as rich as Kirk Cousins while remaining as lame as he is should be considered a crime.

Being rich and being that lame is a crime. It is a crime. ... Kirk Cousins is a crime against humanity. He should be fined $84 million for having $84 million and being lame with it.

New Year's resolutions only work because everyone agrees to be collectively annoying at the same time.

It's annoying in general to hear people talking about any change they're making... But if you preface it by saying it's a New Year's resolution, it's slightly less annoying. It's all everyone decides to be annoying together. We're in like group therapy.

The Bears will play all their starters in Week 17 because they can still get the two-seed

I do think the Bears are going to play all their starters because they do need... Like, they can still get that two seed, and to give up that two seed would be kind of stupid, just willingly.

I am taking the over on the Alabama-Oklahoma game regardless of the total

Alabama playing Oklahoma. I'm taking the over no matter what. It's like 80, but that's one of those ones they're challenging me. Let's do it. They're telling me you won't do this, and I fucking will.

I think Notre Dame might beat Clemson because I can't bet on two favorites in the same night

I can't take both favorites, so I'm taking Notre Dame, and I think they might win the game. Solely because of the other game [Alabama-Oklahoma].

Dabo Swinney is the second best head coach in the country

I think Dabo is probably the second best coach in the country. I think he's way better than Brian Kelly. I like the Clemson. I like the Rock.

Alabama always struggles with mobile quarterbacks like Kyler Murray

No, Alabama always struggles with quarterbacks like Kyler. [Mobile quarterbacks]... If you look at their losses, they've only had like four in the last 10 years. They all came against mobile quarterbacks. So is the blueprint out?

I would love to run the same offense in the NFL that I ran at Oklahoma

To me, yeah, obviously the easiest answer would be, yeah, I'd love to run the offense I did at Oklahoma. That's because I had three years to do it, and I got so comfortable in it.

My dream for LSU is to win a national championship

National champs. I won a national championship for the state of Louisiana, for these players. They yearn for it, they work for it, and I want to win a national championship there.

It is human nature for an injured player to sometimes root for their team to lose

I don't think you'd be human if there wasn't a part of you that was like, I hope that we lose. It's the competitive nature in you. Kyrie's probably going through the same thing. Like, I wish I was out there. I wish I was helping the team win. I think to compete at this level, you have to have that mentality.

Eli Manning deserves more respect from Giants fans despite being benched

Why are they still playing Eli Manning and benching Blake Bortles? That makes no sense. Eli brought them two championships, even though they were bullshit wins. They count. Eli should get the kind of respect that he deserves from the Giants fans, and all these guys are flipping so quick.

Brock Osweiler has the ideal size you want for a quarterback and an arm like nobody else

No, I think that's the size that you want [Brock Osweiler]. If you're tall like that, you have long arms. And his delivery, he can... If he can master it, it's like nobody will have an arm like that.

I believe I can play 10 more years in the NFL

I probably got like 10 more. Yeah, I probably got like six or like seven real years in me than the last three I just steal. Just get in on third downs.

There is no asterisk on my 50-point game just because the Bulls were tanking

I don't think there's an [asterisk]. Because when I have kids, I can say I scored 50 in three quarters. They're not going to remember. I just don't think the Chicago Bulls, oh, the team Jordan played for. Yeah, Jordan was guarding me... Look, 50 is 50. I don't care if you do it at your church.

The Cleveland Browns will win at least six games this season

Shout out to the Cleveland Browns. You're going to win a game this year. We're going to win at least six games.

Investing in professional sports is a much smarter financial move than investing in movies

Putting money into movies is one of the most foolish investments you'll ever make in your life. Invest in sports. You know why? Because sports, people always want to go. Sports are seasonal. It's cyclical. Going to see a movie, that's a crapshoot, man. That's like Vegas.

Jay and Silent Bob Reboot will make money because people will pay for the freak value of seeing the characters return after 17 years

17 years later we're going to make a sequel, man. People are going to want to come out and see that just for the freak value of it alone. Even if they're like, fuck Jay and Silent Bob, they're going to be like, I want to see what these two old men are up to. So I think we're going to make our money.

Modern NFL rules favor the offense so much that it is no longer good quality football

It [pisses me off] because the rules favor the offense so much. They favor the offense, and it's frustrating to watch. And fans, for whatever reason, they want to see high-scoring games. And to me, it's not fun. That's not good quality football.

NFL defensive backs today have terrible eyes and look in the backfield too much instead of watching their man

The DBs, their eyes are in the backfield. They have terrible eyes. Your eyes should be on your man... Look at the man. Look at who you're covering. It's the one thing that pisses me off more than anything as I'm looking at this.

The 2018 Bears defense reminds me of our era; they are doing a great job creating their own identity

I think they look good [2018 Bears]... remind me of us. We didn't want to live in the 85 Bear era. No one does. No one wants to live in anyone else's shadow... so I think they're trying to create their own identity. And so far, I think they're doing it, and they're doing a really good job of it.

Cam Newton should have dove for the fumble in the Super Bowl

What do you think about Cam's business decision? Yeah, I think you just go for the ball, man. Be a team player.

Kobe Bryant is not even a top five Laker anymore now that LeBron James is in Los Angeles

My sit-em is Kobe Bryant. He's not even a top five Laker anymore now that LeBron's there.

The Vikings are just one win away from the playoffs

The Vikings are now one win away from the playoffs, and as my good friend Shaquille O'Neal famously once said, Can you step on digit? Vikings 27, Lions 9.

The Ravens are the NFL team of the weekend

Our team of the weekend has to be the Ravens. What they did on Saturday night, going to San Diego and beating Phil Rivers and a super hot Chargers team by playing 1940s offense is unbelievable. They do bully ball.

I'm not selling my Chargers stock yet

I'm still hanging on to my Charger stock. It's going to turn around just like Bitcoin. I completely agree that was a nightmare matchup for the chargers.

The AFC East has consistently sucked worse than any division in the history of sports

The AFC East has consistently sucked worse than any division in any sport in the history of balls. Ever since a ball was invented, no team has had it easier than the Patriots.

The Browns will be the 'Regis Philbin' sneaky team everyone picks to make noise next year

Still a pretty incredible season, the fact that they [Browns] fired their coach and almost made the playoffs. They will now be our Regis Philbin team to make some noise next year. Everyone will pick them. They're the sneaky team.

Bill Belichick tricked the world into thinking Rob Gronkowski was unhealthy this year

I think that it's a major stay woke that the greatest trick Bill Belichick ever pulled was convincing the world that Rob Gronkowski was unhealthy this year so he's just been playing possum.

Patrick Mahomes' unorthodox fundamentals will eventually fail him as his athleticism dips

The league is going to catch up to Patrick Mahomes throwing sidearm. 20 years from now, when his athleticism starts to dip, you can't rely on bending, contorting your body and running sideways and throwing sidearm passes. You just can't. So I have my doubts.