Takes

Anyone over the age of 25 must hire a mover

Over the age of 25, you should hire a mover. I agree. I am that mover in this case. Yeah. Well, are you hired? No. Okay. You need to get hired.

Real men get three vaccine shots

I was at the doctor. I was getting my third vaccine shot. Oh, nice. Better safe than sorry. Yeah, I'm great. Like I said, I'm triple vaxxed up. Nothing could go wrong. Real men get three.

The public should wear masks for one more week to cover my cold sore

My Fyre Fest is masks off, which is great, but I'm getting a cold sore right now... this is the worst possible time ever... I think that we should do one more week. If we just go masks one more week, I think that'll be perfect timing.

The Washington Capitals are giving off 'team of destiny' vibes

I'm starting to get team of destiny vibes from the Washington capitals because caps back... in America, captain America, I'm starting to get team of destiny vibes and caps back, put a little tickler file on it.

I am officially bringing back the phrase 'Now that's paper'

I gotta start thinking about another phrase. I'm thinking now that's paper. I tried to bring back now that's paper while ago, but it feels, I feel like the times right now. Bet. I like bet.

I am going to blog seven times a week

Probably like seven [blogs a week]. I'm not going to blog about anything unless I seriously have a good opinion on it, and that's something I'll promise you.

Sarcasm is the best way to prepare a child for life

I'm going to weaponize [my son] with sarcasm. That will hopefully get him through life.

The European Super League would actually have been sweet because of the high-level matchups.

The Super League kind of would have been sweet. ... Imagine if there was just a Wednesday, like every Wednesday afternoon, just the best teams in the world playing each other. ... would you watch because it's going to be sweet. They'd be like, yeah, I'd watch. ... It would have been fucking sweet.

The European Super League was a trial balloon that will eventually lead to it actually happening.

It's going to happen. The Super League's going to happen. This was a trial balloon that they sent out there.

Losing your debit card is a good way to replenish your finances by clearing out forgotten subscriptions.

That's how I look at losing my debit card sometimes because you get the monthly charges for things that you forget that you're subscribed to. And so then those charges stop and then you have to re-sign up for them again. You can look at this in a positive light, Bubba.

It is a 'big sunglasses on the back of the head guy' move to rip a ball away from a 5-year-old at a park

[Speaker 2]: his son was way older than mine, and he just stole the ball from our ball. And I was like, you can't take that. [PFT Commenter]: You know what that is? That's a big sunglasses on the back of the head upside down guy move.

Being a dad is the coolest thing ever

Being a dad is, like, the coolest thing ever. I'm just going to say that. Not to be sappy. But I fucking, like, me and my son, like, we bro out hard all the time... vibes to the moon.

I genuinely didn't know the T in 'mortgage' was silent

I genuinely thought that's it. I didn't know the T was silent... I missed that once. I've gotten criticism in my broadcasting career. I've gotten destroyed for this... It's my fault. I messed up.

I am officially retiring from giving pregame speeches

I gave them [Tony Scheffler's team] a pump up speech before state quarterfinals. And then they lost by like 40. I'm retiring from the pregame speech. We'll stop doing speeches.

The Suez Canal ship will be bombed if it is not fixed within a week

Eventually they're just gonna have to blow it up. Eventually someone's gonna launch a missile at it. Take it apart piece by piece. They're gonna drop a bomb on it if it's not fixed within a week. That's my prediction.

Drew Brees will not be a good broadcaster

I got a hot take. I don't think Drew Brees is going to be that good in the booth... There's going to be a wave of people being like, and as much shit as we give Tony Romo, he's objectively good... I don't think Drew Brees has a personality. I would sell all my stock on Drew Brees being good in the booth.

Pardon My Take is in danger because Rex Chapman is starting a sports podcast

My fire fest is we're fucked boys and girls. Pardon My Take is fucked because Rex Chapman is doing his own sports podcast... I don't think that there's any chance that we can compete with Rex just saying like, 'We don't deserve dogs, brah.'

The United States is ending Daylight Savings Time permanently

The United States Senate is passing a bill saying that we're not going to do daylight savings time ever again. So your clocks stay where they are... It looks like we're not going to be changing our clocks this summer. Ever again. Ever again.

The new Space Jam movie isn't worth seeing because Lola Bunny is no longer 'thick.'

Lola Bunny is no longer thick. It sucks... I don't think I'm going to go see the new Space Jam. If I can't get aroused to a cartoon character in a movie about basketball, then I don't think it's worth my money buying a ticket.

Unpaid internships shouldn't be abolished because there are government grants available for them.

What I was trying to say is that there's you can't get we can't get rid of unpaid internships... There's plenty of search engines to find funding and scholarships for unpaid internships that you can qualify for, especially underrepresented... You don't get paid from the employer, but you can get grants so you can take those.

Rebranding Mr. Potato Head to 'Potato Head' is neutering the toy

They changed him today. They massacred my boy. Hasbro is... they neutered him. Yeah, they're giving him a spud, a gender-neutral new name. Just Potato Head.

Chapstick is one of the biggest scams in America

I present to you one of the biggest scams in America. Chapstick. I keep losing mine. It is impossible to finish a stick. You have to buy a new one every week. Do you know anyone who's ever finished a chapstick?

Vacation shaming is always wrong

Vacation shaming in all forms is wrong. That's my stance. I just, you know, I'm on the front lines of vacations everywhere.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.

I am either going to prison or becoming a billionaire because of Pi Network

Either I'm going to go to jail because this is all illegal, which I don't think it is, or I'm going to make a ton of money. It's speculative value. Either I'm going to go to prison or be a billionaire.

I will fight Darren Rovell anytime, anywhere for zero dollars.

My Fyre Fest is that Darren Rovell doesn't look like he's going to fight me anymore... I told Barstool, I said, 'I will do it for zero dollars.' And I removed all stipulations. Anytime, anywhere, I will fight Darren Rovell. Anytime, anywhere. He just loves being talked about... The only thing I will say is anytime, anywhere, if he wants to fight me, I will show up and I will kick his ass and I will do it with a smile on my face.

COVID is no joke, even for peak athletes like me.

My Fyre Fest is I have COVID. It pretty much sucks. It's low-key not a great time... a peak athlete like myself, I've had trouble breathing all week. It has not been fun. I've literally just done this show, and after we hang up, I'm like, gasped beyond belief. It is no joke, and you shouldn't take it seriously... i know i sound preachy but guess what i'll fucking say it this thing is no joke

I am going to 'skull fuck' Jose Canseco in our fight

I'm going to skull fuck him. ... I'm absolutely going to skull fuck him. No doubt. He's tiny. I mean, yeah, he looks big. He's 270 pounds. But I just care about the frame. He has a smaller frame than I thought.

OJ Simpson's son committed the murders, not OJ

I don't think OJ did it. ... I think it was his son. ... I saw a TikTok.

Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset

I learned a lesson, which is Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset. Yeah, absolutely. No regrets.

Six people can fit in a whale's vagina

Wales, you can fit six people in a Wales [whale's] vagina. Sick.

I am going to kick Jose Canseco's ass

I'm going to fucking kick his ass... I'm going to fuck him up. No, yeah, you are. Dude, I've hit the point in my athlete-to-weapon transition where it's like, the only way to win and to get this guy to stop punching me is I have to punch him harder to make him quit.

Shorter men need to earn $133,000 more than tall men to be seen as successful

A male who's five foot eight needs to make $133,000 more per year to be viewed as successful as someone who's six feet tall. I'll just do two more episodes of Pardon My Take on my own a year. All of a sudden, boom, I'm back in the red, baby.

My back pain is caused by a bulging disc, not a muscle issue

My back hurts. I fucked up my back. I woke up on Wednesday morning and couldn't really stand up... starting to get shooting pain down my right leg. I think it's a skeletal thing. If it's your lower back and everything you described sounds like a disc... a bulging disc like basically hits the nerve.

Losing the SEC on CBS theme song is a tragedy for college football

On behalf of all college football fans, we are losing the SEC on CBS theme song in 2024.

The Washington Football Team will win the NFC East and beat the Cardinals in the playoffs

I officially care, and I think that they're going to beat the Steelers on Monday... I think that the football team is going to win the division at 6-10, maybe even 7-9. I think that we're going to win a home playoff game against the Arizona Cardinals.

The Steelers have zero chance of winning the Super Bowl

It's the Steelers to win the Super Bowl 55 to 1 and I'm sitting here watching them go 11 and 0 and being like, well, it doesn't really matter... In the back of my head, I'm like, no chance. Zero percent chance.

Billy Football's 285-pound bench press max is embarrassing

Billy actually said hovering around 285, which means he doesn't bench 285, which 285 is embarrassing... for a guy that spent four years in a weight program in high school and then three years in a weight program in college.

Wisconsin's football season is effectively over

My fire. First two of them Wisconsin's football season is over pretty much that sucked

The Chicago Bears can win the NFC North

I am all-in on Graham Mertz and in conjunction with thinking that Wisconsin is going to win the Big Ten West... I made a prediction today the totally won't blow up in my face. And that is that the Chicago Bears can win the NFC North they can.

I am being scammed by an Airbnb host for $40,000 in pool damages

I'm being investigated for $40,000 worth of damages by Airbnb... the homeowner has contacted me saying that I caused $40,000 worth of [damage to] the pool... They say that I didn't keep the pool at the correct level and that the motor and the pump broke down... I think she's scamming me... I didn't even cause a penny worth of damage.

I accidentally put a down payment on a hedgehog while drunk

I accidentally put a down payment on a hedgehog... Basically I got drunk last Sunday. I was like fuck it, I'm gonna buy a hedgehog. Yep. Then I woke up the next day and I was like, wait a second... It was $75 down payment and a hedgehog's about $250 on top of that.

Bill de Blasio changed his name to sound Italian so he could win in New York

He changed his name to sound Italian so he'd win in New York. He was born Warren Wilhelm... He changed his name to Warren de Blasio Wilhelm in 1983 and finally to Bill de Blasio to honor his maternal family, bullshit.

Mitch Trubisky is going to win 10 games for the Bears this year

I fully believe that Mitch Trubisky is going to win the Bears 10 games. No, he is going to personally win 10 games. I can't wait for Mitch Trubisky screenshot season to come back. He's become a punch line, and you know what? He's about to punch back. Big time.

Sir Yacht's reporting on the Big Ten is completely fabricated

Sir Yacht is a choose-your-own-adventure source. He's wrong all the time, a hundred percent of the time. He pretty much makes it up. But if you want to live in a fantasy land like I do, listen to Sir Yacht and ignorance is bliss in this respect. I do love the fact that like twice a week the Big Ten comes back.

Holding a baby is the perfect cover for committing a crime

I think I need to get into a life of crime using my son as like pretty much... a prop... The guy looked at me and he was like 'this guy... is a dad he can't steal.'

Tom Wilson isn't a scumbag; he's just misunderstood and people are afraid to look him in the eye

My fire Fest of the week is I have to come up with new reasons and new ways to defend Tom Wilson. No, he's not scumbag... I need a workshop a few ways. People are saying that Tom Wilson's running into people's backs... I don't think that that's the case at all. The best I could come up with at this point is that people afraid of Tom Wilson they're afraid to make eye contact with him.

I'm pre-mad about how much the Mike Tyson vs. Roy Jones Jr. fight is going to suck

Mike Tyson is back. He's going to fight Roy Jones Jr. in September... I'm going to buy this fight... and it's going to suck. It's going to be sadder than the Kimbo Slice Dada 5000 fight. This is going to without a question suck and I'm going to get so excited for it.

I am the alpha of the show because I squat and bench more than everyone else in the room

I 100% squat and bench more than anybody in this room. And because of that, I think that makes me the alpha.

I thought the police were defunded so I could speed 89 in a 55

I got a really bad feeling, I got a speeding ticket. Turns out there was a speeding camera that caught me... I thought they defunded the police. I actually was like, 'no police.' I read the news, they defunded these guys. I'm good.