Takes

Shaving your beard during a hitting slump means you're hiding something

Bruce [Bryce] Harper shaved his beard because he's in such a bad slump that he thought, hey, I'm just going to change up my look... Anytime someone's like, hey, I'm going to get a haircut, shaving your beard, you're hiding something.

IPAs give you man boobs because they are full of estrogen

It feels like the weirdest things have estrogen in them, right? Like IPAs now give you tits. [PFT: Yeah, well, that's been true for a while.]

A team outside of the lottery will trade up to draft Luka Doncic

A team outside of the lottery trades up for Doncic. [Big Cat: Ooh, I like that.]

Joining MMA classes is a major sign of a midlife crisis

I would say MMA classes are high up there for midlife crisis. And it would happen to me. I was like, you know what? I used to do this a little bit when I was younger... I signed up. I went to the class.

Getting a girlfriend half your age is a telltale sign of a midlife crisis

You got to get the young girlfriend that's like half your age and everyone looks at you like, what the fuck is going on there? Usually happens after a divorce, but that's a telltale sign for a midlife crisis.

Hanging out exclusively with dudes half your age is a sign of a midlife crisis

The last one is you start hanging out with younger dudes so you start hanging out with dudes that are half your age. You look around and no one who you went to college with is around you or any of your friends from your past.

Colangelo's burner accounts are the weirdest NBA storyline of the season

I still got to go with a general manager in the NBA getting fired for someone in his family, possibly him, burner tweeting his own players. Collar gate.

J.R. Smith throwing soup at Damon Jones is a weirder storyline than him forgetting the score in the Finals

J.R. Smith for getting the score in the finals is less crazy than J.R. Smith throwing a bowl of soup at an assistant coach in anger. [Big Cat: J.R. Smith throwing a bowl of soup at Damon Jones... that's my number one.]

Lonzo Ball's diss track on Kyle Kuzma was actually ruthless and pretty good

The diss track that Lonzo just dropped on Kyle Kuzma was actually ruthless and pretty good. [Rachel Nichols: You never knew who your dad was? Yeah. That was pretty good.]

Markelle Fultz forgetting how to shoot a basketball is one of the craziest stories in NBA history

Markelle Fultz just forgetting how to shoot a basketball... I feel like now because he seems like he's going to be okay, we've kind of lost how crazy that was. He doesn't play for the majority of the season because he just forgot how to shoot.

The Kawhi Leonard and Spurs 'injury management' saga is one of the weirdest stories of the season

Kawhi Leonard is the next weirdest storyline. He spent large chunks of time away from the team... Tony Parker comes out and says, I had the same injury, but a million times worse... Spurs were not putting him on the injury report as being hurt. They said, return from injury management.

Kyrie Irving is waiting until 2019 to sign an extension to get $80 million extra

When [Kyrie Irving] said that he wasn't going to stay in a contract extension this summer with Boston, that is because if he waits until next year, he can get $80 million extra from Boston.

LeBron James playing all 82 games at age 33 is highly suspicious

LeBron James, 33 years old, 15 years in the league, played all 82 games. Seems like his durability's going up at 33. Most athletes, their durability goes down. [Implying HGH use].

Barry Trotz is not a great coach and got lucky winning the Stanley Cup

I don't think that Barry Trotz is a great coach. I think he got lightning in a bottle. He got lightning in seven.

The 'Elam Ending' is proof that the NBA 'nerds' have gone too far

I don't understand. This is when the nerds have gone too far, that they're coming up with these ideas. [PFT: It's a very smart move by Daryl Morey to change the entire rules of the game just to favor your team.]

Smelling your own farts is a valid form of medical self-care

When I'm smelling my fart, I'm actually... I am going to the doctor. Because, like, you know. You know when you're sick or something's not right. You can tell, basically, by your fart. So, if you care about self-care... you just let me smell my own farts.

Phil Mickelson disgraced the game of golf by hitting a moving ball at the U.S. Open

He basically disgraced the game of golf. I actually saw Golf Channel wrote an article saying not only did Phil Mickelson manipulate the rules of golf, he broke the spirit of the game. True. He broke it. There's no more spirit left.

I love the USGA for making courses so hard that millionaire athletes complain

I hope they [USGA] make every single course from now until the end of time the hardest course in the world, just so we can hear millionaire athletes say, this game has gotten too hard for us.

Argentina might be better at the World Cup without Lionel Messi

I think that Argentina might be better without Messi now. The whole team, they're in the win-win-for-Messi mode. And it weighs on their shoulders. Too much pressure.

Tiger Woods basically finished second in the U.S. Open if you don't count the first and second holes

If you had taken out the first and second hole, Tiger [Woods] would have finished second in the U.S. Open. So he's kind of back.

Drake's Degrassi reunion video was a calculated response to Pusha T's diss track

Drake decided that his response for the diss track basically coming at his entire livelihood... was to just do a video from his childhood acting days. Big Degrassi reunion.

The Herschel Walker trade is the worst in NFL history

I'll go with the worst trade in NFL history, Herschel Walker to the Vikings that basically started the entire dynasty for the Cowboys in the 90s... and then the Cowboys won three Super Bowls.

The Chicago Bears getting Jay Cutler was the worst trade of all time

So my worst trade of all time probably, I know this is my fourth, but it's really the worst, was the Chicago Bears getting Jay Cutler. Really bad trade. Very terrible trade.

LeBron James has the prototypical NBA body, not a super jacked one

LeBron's a big, strong guy, but he's not like... I feel like people think he's just jacked from head to toe, and I feel like he's got big shoulders. He's got the prototypical NBA body, like a smaller chest, skinny waist, and big arms.

A Lakers superteam with LeBron, Kawhi, and Paul George won't easily beat the Warriors

Maybe I'll take the team that just won three out of four championships [Warriors] and plays as a team instead of just mish-moshing a bunch of guys together and hoping that it works.

LeBron James will not go to the Western Conference because he wants to make the Finals every year

I'm not buying the idea that LeBron wants to play in the West. I think that it's still very – LeBron's, like, claim to fame is that he always makes the finals. And that's very much in jeopardy.

The Todd Haley and Ben Roethlisberger relationship was never going to work out

I don't think the Todd Haley, Ben Roethlisberger situation is going to work out... Todd Haley is so detestable he makes Ben Roethlisberger a sympathetic figure. That's incredible. That is quite a skill.

The course at Shinnecock Hills is a 'wagon' because it's dominating every golfer in the field

I'm telling you what, this course is a wagon. Every single golfer got shit pumped today except for, what, Dustin Johnson? ... The course is awesome. The fescue is kicking people's ass.

I'm rooting for the course to beat the players at the U.S. Open

I actually love the course so much, I found myself chanting today in my head, go course, go. Go course, go. Because, like, the course – I mean, Bryson DeChambeau said it was clown golf. That's when you know a course has you, like, beat.

Shinnecock Hills is a very functional course, but it looks like shit

I love the course. Say what you want to say. Permission to speak freely. Yes. It looks like shit. It's not a good-looking course. But that's fine. It does its job. It's a very functional course.

Tony Romo is a fraud for talking about qualifying for the U.S. Open for five years and never doing it

I would like to see Tony Romo. Wasn't there talk of Tony Romo qualifying for a U.S. Open? ... So is he a fraud? I mean, he's been talking about it for the last five years. I don't know.

Liverpool is the Baltimore of England

Liverpool was a dark place, burning itself down. A bit like Baltimore. It's the Baltimore of England. ... And when I grew up, it was burning itself down under Margaret Thatcher.

Mo Salah is not elite yet because he needs to perform at a high level for more than one year

[Mo Salah] is a remarkable human being... But you look at your American sports. You look at gentlemen who have an explosive year... Brady Anderson... you've got to bring it for more than one year to pass the Brady Andersonometer.

Messi is the greatest footballer ever, better than Cristiano Ronaldo

I am always Team Messi. Always. Messi is the greatest footballer I have ever seen in my life for so many different reasons.

Cristiano Ronaldo is the Mike Tolbert of soccer because he just poaches goals from one yard out

He just runs it in from one yard out. The team gets all the way down, and they're like, all right, go ahead. Give it to the fat guy. He'll run it in. That's Ronaldo.

LeBron James would have been the greatest soccer player ever if he played as a kid

If [LeBron James] played when he was a little kid, would he be the best ever? ... Muggsy Bogues could have been our Lionel Messi. Five foot six, innocuous looking, incredibly coordinated.

France and Belgium are fantasy football teams with too much talent and questionable coaching

[Belgium and France] are remarkable talent-wise. You look at that roster, it's like a murderer's row. ... what neither of them have is a true idea of how they want to play football. It's a Premier League kind of Pro Bowl team.

Don't bet against Russia in the World Cup because FIFA always lets host dictators win for propaganda

I wouldn't bet against Russia. ... FIFA... they've got a history of dropping [the World Cup] into the hornet's nest of dictators looking for an easy propaganda win.

Iceland has a genuine chance to win the World Cup because of their Viking belief

The only other team that expects to win every game is Iceland. ... They can do anything because when you interview them, they'll say to you, Viking blood flows through our veins. And you'll be like, I'm not kidding. So they believe it.

Big Cat is one of the worst owners in sports for what happened to Swansea City

I do believe Big Cat is one of the worst owners in sport. ... Swansea is an incredible community club that has just brought joy to the lives of thousands of Welsh humans over generations. And then in strolls, Big Cat... it's a tragedy what's happened to Swansea Football Club.

Spain will win the 2018 World Cup

America will love the circus. So who's going to win? Spain will win. Spain's going to win.

Stephen A. Smith's claim of being a 'bottom feeder' is problematic for not respecting the whole woman

Stephen A. Smith, problematic is the fact that you don't respect women because you should be boobs, butt, and brain. Three Bs. That's the original Big Baller brand. Why are you putting, a woman's body should be put on a pedestal?

MLB is stupid for deleting the Terry Collins viral 'Ass in the Jackpot' video

They finally had a video where people were like, this is awesome. This is fun. ... You should actually start doing that and show just umps and managers yelling at each other about asses in the jackpot. They did the exact opposite because they're MLB. They pulled it.

Limit yourself to two fantasy football leagues; anything more and it's not fun anymore

Limit yourself to two fantasy football teams. So that's the perfect amount. Studies have shown that's the perfect amount of fantasy football leagues to be in anymore and it's not fun anymore.

Learn how to dunk before you turn 30, because you won't be able to after

Learn how to dunk. Like, you're not going to be able to dunk when you're over 30. Because, I mean, if I had tried to dunk, I never tried to dunk under 30. So I don't even know if I could have dunked. I probably could have. Now it's too late.

Andrew Luck is never actually going to throw an NFL football again

Andrew Luck is proving our theory of that arrow paradox, the Schrodinger's arrow. He's never going to actually throw a football. He's just getting incrementally closer and closer and closer to throwing NFL football.

The XFL should brand itself as the league for quarterbacks with small hands

The XFL should brand itself as the football league for all the guys who have too small hands... XFL Super Bowl champion Alex Smith. XFL Super Bowl champion Jameis Winston.

LeBron James will not sign with the Houston Rockets because he hates the city

Houston is my hot seat because the word on the street from, directly from LeBron James' lips. During the season when they were in Houston, he hates Houston as a city... The strip malls? The congestion? When you pull up Google Maps and it's just a ring of red... I believe that he hates Houston. I'm taking them off. We're officially taking them off the Pardon My Take big board for LeBron.

LeBron James is signing with the Lakers now that Bronny has enrolled in an LA school

Gary Payton, recurring guest Gary Payton, is saying that LeBron, Bronnie Jr. has enrolled at a school, private school in L.A... My two favorite things about free agency... is school updates where the kids are going to go to school and then realtor updates. Who's looking for houses where?

The Warriors' owner took a direct shot at Kevin Durant by saying Steph Curry 'earned' his deal

[The Warriors owner] said Steph Curry, though, has earned the right to get whatever deal he wants because he's been there since when they were bad and saying that Steph Curry earned it, which is a direct shot at Kevin Durant.