Takes

Bill Belichick leaked the Seth Wickersham article himself to motivate the team

I'm very, very woke on this whole article thing because there's a reason it came out last week when they didn't have a game. I think Belichick might have been the source for some of the things just to try to get a little controversy going out there in the media, get people starting to doubt the Patriots because Belichick, he loves to play the 'we don't have any respect' card.

Case Keenum is a Kurt Warner in the making

I think Case Keenum has proven that he's actually just really good. He's just a good quarterback. He's a Kurt Warner in making. Thanks to Jeff Fisher and his tutelage, he has evolved into an elite quarterback.

Jake Fromm is better than any quarterback in the 2018 Draft class

I had a hot take. Jake Fromm is better than any of the quarterbacks that are in this year's draft.

Tua Tagovailoa will win four or five Super Bowls

Oh, without a doubt. First ballot Hall of Fame for Tua. College and pro. I think you've got to put him up there, four or five [Super Bowls]. He's pretty damn good, though.

LeVar Ball is an deterrent for LeBron James going to the Lakers

This is a huge problem. Dad to dad, this is actually a great piece of news for LeVar Ball because I don't think LeVar Ball has time for a small baller like LeBron in L.A. LeVar wants to make sure that L.A. is a ball town. LeVar Ball actually might do the real outbreak thing and just hover in a helicopter above LAX and not let LeBron land in town.

Bill Belichick will become the commissioner of Lacrosse to take down the NFL

Bill Belichick hates the NFL, hates Roger Goodell... He's going to become the commissioner of lacrosse. He knows. He sees the writing on the wall. The NFL is going to be dead soon. Concussions. Everyone's going to stop playing... then he's going to start recruiting the best football minds to lacrosse... he goes on top as the best coach of all time [by taking down the NFL].

Jalen Hurts sucks

I have a take I'm squatting on. I think Jalen Hurts sucks, and he is going to do in the Alabama – because they – Their offense actually was not good against Clemson's defense.

Josh Rosen's outspoken nature makes him a red flag for NFL locker rooms and the New York media.

Rosen is outspoken. He likes to talk. He likes to have really strong opinions. But I don't know if that's going to fit into an NFL locker room... It is a red flag. Thinks too much for himself... If the Giants take him, I think it's going to be a disaster with him and the New York media going together.

UCF is the number one team and national champions

I've got UCF number one. Number one, national champions. The program that Blake Bortles built. Undefeated.

Matt Patricia's clown-nosed Goodell shirt may keep him from a head coaching job

He wore that clown nose shirt coming off the plane, and it pissed off the commissioner. And as of July, the commissioner was still pissed... I could see an effort by 345 Park Avenue to steer the Lions away from Patricia... That clown-nosed shirt may keep Matt Patricia at New England for years to come.

Dry-fit jockstraps will change your life and solve the problem of swampy undercarriages

I'm a big clean underwear guy. I probably went on Amazon and like they have these dry fit jock straps for when you like work out or play golf or tennis or something. They will change your life. It is the best thing... most men have this pissed off look on their face. You know why? Walking around sucks... because they're walking around with chafed legs, sweaty, swampy undercarriages.

The Titans should not be allowed to make the playoffs because they are boring

I think as a country we need to have a vote and make it so the Titans cannot make the playoffs. Fuck the Titans. I don't want to see the Titans in the playoffs. No one wants to see the Titans. Just think about this. Would you rather see the boring-ass, shitty-ass Titans losing the first round or Bills fans go crazy because they clinched their first playoff berth in like a billion years.

James Harrison is a double agent sent by the Steelers to infiltrate the Patriots

I almost think that he's a double agent, that the Steelers sent him in there... To give fake play calls... James Harrison was saying he was so pissed off at Mike Tomlin... It's like that episode of Homeland where Carrie testified that she hated the CIA and then she went to a mental institution.

Giving Sean McVay credit for the Rams is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae; it's Jeff Fisher's squad

Giving Sean McVay credit for this team is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae. This is Jeff Fisher's squad. This is his team. He invented this team.

Case Keenum is the next Kurt Warner and will eventually be a Hall of Famer

Case Keenum is like Kurt Warner in 1999 when everyone was like, come on, Kurt Warner, the backup, this guy, he's no one. Case Keenum is going to end up being a Hall of Famer. I'm squatting on that one. Because I've been saying all year, like, are we really doing this with Case Keenum? And we still are doing it. And he just keeps on rolling and rolling.

NFL replay should be fixed using a 'possession arrow' system from pickup basketball

I think they should just go to a straight pick up hoops thing where no one knows who hit the ball out, so it's like we get the next one. But any, like, controversial call, it's like, all right, you get it this time, we'll get it next time. That's good. I like that. Just keep trading it all year long.

Blake Bortles and Jimmy Garoppolo are the two best quarterbacks in the NFL

Jacksonville versus the Niners, the hot Niners. That's a huge one. I said earlier on Larry's picks, this is the as-we-all-expected game because Blake Bortles and Jimmy Garoppolo are the two best quarterbacks in the NFL right now, as we all expected.

Florida State has a 'turtle murdering problem' and a bad culture

I'm guessing the Tallahassee police are somehow involved in this... Knowing that there's been one turtle murder that I know of this year, and it happened at Florida State, that's conclusive. Bad culture.

Russell Wilson is lying when he claims God speaks to him directly

Are you saying that when Russell Wilson says that... God spoke to him as he was walking to the sidelines... you don't think that that was actually God talking to him? You're calling him a liar? [Foster]: Yeah, I am, actually. I don't think that we have an intervening divine presence in our universe at this moment... I don't believe your claim.

Wolves are not as tough as people make them out to be

I don't think wolves are as tough as we make them out to be. I think we just built up this prestige of them in our heads.

Never trust a man with a ponytail

Ponytails feel like a big red flag to me. As a dude with long hair, I go out of my way to not wear a ponytail ever... Never trust a ponytail.

Jerry Richardson's heart transplant turned him evil

He actually has a built-in spin zone for himself because he got a heart transplant like five years ago. So it's the other guy's heart. It's not him. It turned him evil.

Russell Wilson is better than Matthew Stafford because Stafford was drafted higher

I actually came up with a couple reasons why I might agree with [Andy Benoit]. Number one, Stafford was drafted first overall. So Russell Wilson was in the third round. This is called the Kevin White law. If you're saying that Russell Wilson is better, then that's a slap in the face to all the people that do mock drafts... Number two, he gets paid more. Matt Stafford gets paid more. So are you saying that capitalism is a flawed system?

The NFL Network should hire Jeff Fisher to bring them back to mediocrity

Jeff Fisher, he brings the mediocrity back. So you're going from low... To right in the middle. I think Jeff Fisher's the perfect hire.

Derek Jeter is a sleeper cell/traitor to the Marlins

Derek Jeter still works for the Yankees. I don't even think that's a hot take to say that... Because it's commonly accepted as the fact that Derek Jeter is a traitor to the Marlins organization.

Jeff Fisher is a quarterback whisperer

Jeff Fisher is back in a big way because all of his quarterbacks are shining right now... Jared Goff just killing out in L.A... Number two is Case Keenum. He's back. Nick Foles. Playing well... He's a quarterback whisperer. He's like Johnny Appleseed. He's just going around and he plants all his little quarterback seeds. And then in like, you know, three to four years when he gets fired. They all just sprout into big trees.

Blake Bortles is a top 5 quarterback in the NFL

Name five better. Go ahead, Hank. Give us your top five quarterbacks right now. Tom Brady, Jared Goff, Blake Bortles, and then the list dramatically falls off after that.

Tom Izzo is overrated if he doesn't make another Final Four in the next two years

We're squatting on a take. Yeah, we're a couple years ahead of the curve. If Tom Izzo doesn't get back to another Final Four in the next two years, then he's overrated.

Starting Geno Smith is a cyanide pill that ends an NFL coaching career in a week

He realized that starting Geno Smith is a suicide machine for coaches. That's just a pill that you pop cyanide. It's like the dude in Bosnia, I have taken poison, should have just stood up and said, I have started Geno Smith. And he's dead within the week. It's over.

Thursday Night Football is garbage and destroys player safety

It's the worst shit ever. It's so stupid. They could take Thursday Night Football and stick it right up their ass. Let's fuck up everybody's preparation. Let's have guys who are hurt playing on four days rest. It's just bullshit, you know?

Having a Chili's on campus helps a football program win games

This is [UCF's] first football season with an on-campus Chili's, and they're 11-0... Jimbo Fisher's record with a Chili's on campus, 78-17 with one national title. Jimbo Fisher's record without a Chili's on campus, 5-6 with zero national titles. Chili's wins football games.

Roger Goodell has lost control of the NFL if teams can refuse to wear Color Rush

If Roger Goodell can't make teams wear color rush, then he has lost the NFL... He has absolutely no power whatsoever. If the NFL owners are savaging him and just going against his wishes, the inmates are running the prison.

LeBron James got ejected from a blowout to stat pad and hit the showers early

LeBron got thrown out for the first time in his career for using foul language, complaining about a call in the fourth quarter of a blowout win. Why would he even care at that point? Stat padding? Question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark.

The Celtics have officially overtaken the Patriots as the heart of Boston

My hot seat is the New England Patriots. They're no longer the best team in Boston anymore. The Celtics have won 14 straight. They've captured the heart of the city.

Ray Allen needs sex and internet rehab

Because he's a repeat offender now, and he's having this many difficulties, I think therapy is the only way he can get out of this. He needs to go to rehab. He needs to go to internet slash sex rehab. It worked for Tiger. Just say you're a sex addict.

The Chargers will be the best team to not make the playoffs this season

I'm taking the Chargers, minus four, the best team to not make the playoffs. ... I stand by that. They have an unbelievable pass rush. Phil Rivers, they almost win every single game. They're going to be the best team that doesn't make the playoffs.

Tom Izzo is an overrated basketball coach

I've gotten some flack for starting the Coach Izzo is overrated take that we have. ... Let me tell you guys something. If you're maybe new to the show or if you're not familiar with the biz, this is what's called squatting on a take. The take might not be true yet, but it's going to be true one day. ... Eventually when Tom Izzo is overrated, then I will be the first one to have said it.

Tom Izzo is an overrated basketball coach

It's also the start of Coach Izzo's overrated season. We were the first ones on that bandwagon like a year and a half ago, so I'm going to restake my claim on that.

Men are the persecuted gender because male animals have to look attractive in nature

In the animal kingdom, by and large, males actually are the ones who have to bear the burden of looking attractive all the time. Like peacocks or cardinals... Females actually don't have to wear as much makeup... Add up all the animals in the world, and we actually are the persecuted animals. We're the persecuted gender. The male.

If the NFL kicks Jerry Jones out, he will start a better football league with guns and steroids

I'm rooting for this simply because if Jerry Jones gets kicked out of the NFL, he is going to start the greatest fucking football league ever. XFL will be back... Guns, steroids, and that butter sauce you get with your pizza at Papa John's.

Lefty quarterbacks suck at throwing the football

Horny Brook [Alex Hornibrook], there's something about him when he passes. He's terrible. He's got that weird left. He's a lefty. The way that he passes with his left hand just doesn't look natural. Lefties suck at throwing the football.

The NFL pylon rule is stupid and should be changed to a Quidditch-style hoop

I have a dumb question... why do pylons exist?... everyone keeps fumbling while reaching for the pylon... what they should do... They need to make them little like hoops that you can throw the ball into the hoop. And that counts as a touchdown... it's the safest play in football.

If a singer sucks at an open mic in Texas, you're supposed to tackle them

I found out that it was at an open mic [the Josh Beckett incident]... I feel like at an open mic in Texas if the guy sucks you're kind of you're supposed to tackle him. Yeah that's true he just was like a deputized bouncer.

Bill Nye is a fraud who has been catfishing America for 30 years

He's a stand-up comedian that created this character that has no scientific background. Basically, Bill Nye has been catfishing America for the last 30 years. Right. So the fact that he says the sun is hot is further proof that it's cold. I would absolutely conclude that. But he's a proven liar. All he's done his entire adult life is lie to us.

Gordon Hayward would have stayed in the game if he were a hockey player

You gotta think that that Gordon Hayward coming back for the third period if he's a hockey player. I mean you have to snap it back in, dude. He's at least going for the twirl to see if he can give it a go. You tie the skates up real tight. You use a fucking stick as a splint.

Kirk Cousins earns $7 million for every half-decent throw

Kirk Cousins makes himself about $7 million for every half-decent throw that he has in a game. So he'll suck for a good three quarters, and then he'll have two good intermediate passes, and you're like, okay, yeah, somebody's going to pay him $25 million next year.

NFL teams below .500 should be relegated to having Brock Osweiler as their quarterback

I think that any team in the NFL that finishes below .500 should be relegated to having Brock Osweiler as their quarterback for the next year. You have to overcome Brock to prove that you're ready to rejoin the big boys.

Papa John and Jerry Jones are conspiring to get Roger Goodell fired

Papa John is running the NFL... He wants to get Roger Goodell fired... Jerry Jones is the leading franchise owner of Papa John's Pizzas... he's teaming up with Papa John to go after Goodell... trying to convince other sponsors to take money away from the NFL, therefore sinking Roger Goodell as commissioner.

Mitch Trubisky is now the number one quarterback of the 2017 draft class following Deshaun Watson's injury

I think you have to give it to [Mitch Trubisky] at this point [as the number one quarterback in the 2017 draft].

Botching the AJ McCarron trade was actually the Browns' best personnel move in five years

The fuck up of not being able to get [AJ McCarron] on your team if you're the Browns, that might actually be the best personnel move that the Browns have made in the last five years.