Takes

UConn's dominance is ruining women's college basketball

I have not heard enough of the UConn women's college basketball ruining women's college basketball takes this year.

I wouldn't be shocked if Loyola Chicago won the whole NCAA tournament

I wouldn't be shocked if they actually won the whole thing because they are playing unbelievable offense. And I mean, like the Butler team, you know, ...

John Beilein is the best coach in college basketball

John Beilein, he's the best coach in college basketball. I said it before the tournament. Their defense is unbelievable. Their offense has kind of finally shown up.

Leonard Hamilton didn't foul at the end of the Florida State game to help boosters cover the spread

I still maintain, and I've long time maintained this, that the coaches coach for spreads for boosters... what are the chances if you foul him, are you not going to cover the four and a half? Very high. Right. So you've got to make a business decision, a little Cam Newton business decision, say, no foul.

Villanova is hands down the best team in the tournament

I think they're hands down the best team in the tournament. And they have a ginger that dunks. Which is very deceiving, right? It's like, you have it all. What do you get a team that has it all? You got guys who can shoot. You got guys who can play down low. You got NBA draft picks.

I bet $100 on the Washington Capitals to win the Stanley Cup

I had Hank get us a future. Me, Bubba, and Hank each put in $100. We got a future... The Washington Capitals outright winner... We'll win $4,800 if they win.

Shark Week sucks until they show a shark eating a human being

Until they show me a shark eating a human being, I will not watch Shark Week... I still think I saw through the fraud of Shark Week... they told me they found Megalodon and they got me all wet and didn't fuck me.

I believe the guy who claims to be Bill Clinton's son

He's definitely Bill Clinton's son... I've seen the tweets. The story adds up. I've done the research.

Cubs fans have issues if they think Bryce Harper is the solution to turning the franchise around

If Cubs Nation is banking on Bryce Harper to turn our franchise around, they have a lot of issues.

The 2018 World Series will be the Cubs against the Astros

I 100% believe that there will be two teams in the world series this year... i think it goes through Houston again right they they're the defending champ okay so cubs houston i like cubs houston

It is an honor to be invited to the White House regardless of political views

If we win the World Series, am I going to the White House? I think it's an honor to be invited to the White House. No matter your political view or whatnot, there's a lot of history there.

Physical wide receivers are harder to cover than fast ones

I think a wide receiver, that's physical [is harder]. Just for the simple fact, they could push you everywhere, but you're not allowed to touch them at all.

Donte Moncrief is a sleeper wide receiver that people are currently overlooking

I like Moncrief. We signed Moncrief... I think people sleep on him a lot. I played him for three years straight... I saw what [he] was capable of.

The Jaguars defense is elite because of the secondary, not the defensive line

I'm going to say DBs just because of who we got back there. Defensive Baxonville. That's what it should be, not Saxonville. Pick six in Ville.

UCF is the true 2017 national champion because they beat the team that beat the champions

We blew out a team [Auburn] that beat the national champions [Alabama], quote-unquote. You know how I go. You don't lose a game. You just keep going until you lose.

Deion Sanders is the best cornerback in NFL history

Who is the best cornerback in the history of the NFL? Deion Sanders, Jason Sehorn? I'm going with Deion Sanders.

Chris Collinsworth is a biased broadcaster who irks players

You could tell [Chris Collinsworth] is a little bit biased... A lot of people say he irks them... I just didn't like how he was talking... the one play in the Super Bowl when [Zach] Ertz scored and he was saying, 'that better not be a catch.'

Kyrie Irving will be back and fine for the first round of the playoffs

He'll be back in three weeks, first round of the playoffs, no problem... Once [the debris is] out, he's completely fine.

The claim that LeBron James gains seven pounds during a single game is stupid junk science

The fact that LeBron James gained seven pounds during a game is probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard. As big junk science fans, we've heard a lot of ridiculous claims.

Duke only lost to Kansas because of a blown call on a blocking foul

[Duke] just lost when they should have won because they got called for a blocking foul that was a charge.

Duke was guaranteed to win the title this year

I spent the last month, two months, three months saying that Duke was definitely going to win the title this year... guaranteed, locked up, no matter what happens, Duke is winning the title.

College basketball teams should foul earlier because college players cannot hit free throws

The one thing that pisses me off this entire tournament... the fact that teams won't extend games. You should make kids shoot free throws in college. They can't hit free throws. And we saw that later with Kentucky.

John Calipari is officially on the hot seat

And Coach Cal's on the hot seat. He's definitely on the hot seat.

Gonzaga is the 'always a bridesmaid, never a Cinderella' of college basketball

I guess we have to smash the fraud button on Gonzaga. Always a bridesmaid, never a Cinderella.

Michigan looks as good or better than any team in the tournament except Villanova and Duke

Michigan looks as good, if not better than any team except for Villanova this tournament. And well, Duke.

Sam Darnold's draft stock improved because he threw in the rain during his pro day

Are you nervous that Sam Darnold could throw in the rain? ... There actually were articles written that was the rainy weather. Did the rainy weather help Sam Darnold's draft stock? I think absolutely.

The Jason Pierre-Paul trade to the Buccaneers is not a blockbuster

Do you think that JPP is worth blockbuster trade when tweeted? Because Adam Schefter said JPP getting traded to the Bucs is a blockbuster trade. ... I think four years ago it definitely would have been.

Virginia basketball will be fine because Tony Bennett is the best coach in the country

We've got the best coach in the country. We have some of the best players in the country. We will be just fine, buddy.

Losing to UMBC is a win for Virginia fans because it replaces the Ralph Sampson loss as the most notable upset in school history

I've got a spin zone for you. ... People are not going to probably talk about Ralph Sampson and the Chaminade loss now that Virginia has a more notable loss.

Never partner with someone in business who cheats on their family

Somebody said to me, man, don't be partners with somebody who would cheat like that because he'll screw you in a heartbeat. ... If you're cheating someone else, then I'm convinced you're going to cheat me too.

An excuse is nothing more than a rationalization of a mistake

I realized everybody's got a [fucking] excuse for their shortcomings. ... An excuse is a rationalization of a mistake. ... Every time we come up with an excuse, it makes us feel good about something we should feel bad about.

People with the biggest egos have the thinnest wallets

You ever notice that people with the biggest ego have the thinnest fucking wallet? Because he doesn't listen to anybody. His ego gets in a way that's typically not very successful.

Zing Zang is the superior Bloody Mary mix compared to handmade versions

I've discovered that the best mix by far for Bloody Mary is Zing Zang mix. There are a lot of places that tout their Bloody Marys as being handmade, and I always say, no, I'm not going to deal with that. I want Zing Zang.

A 'hangover bar' is a bad business idea because it makes the establishment look irresponsible

The problem with [a hangover bar] is that when bars start to support hangovers, we're perceived as irresponsible. ... We're giving you more of a motivation to have one.

A restaurant cannot charge more than $12 for an entree if there are pictures on the menu

Is a restaurant classier if it has pictures on the menu? No. ... The minute they put a picture on the menu, they can't go past like $12 per [entree].

Ordering a steak 'medium rare plus' is a legitimate and common request

When I go to a steak place, I order medium rare plus. Is that real? ... It's basically asking for medium rare, true medium rare. Because I also always find that really nice steakhouses always undercook it just a little bit.

Millennials drink craft beer that sucks just because they think it's cool

Millennials are very relevancy-driven. Millennials will drink a craft beer that sucks because it's cool. ... Millennials don't react to logical things. They react to what is cool.

Tom Brady was definitely drinking real beer on Colbert's show because of the lacing left on the glass

What that is called on the side of the beer is lacing. ... Lacing is what happens when the foam sticks to the side of the beer glass. So it's beer. ... That was beer.

Kentucky lost to Kansas State because they missed 12 free throws, proving they aren't actually overrated

Remember when we did our March Madness preview with our friend Mark Titus? And I said free throws are overrated. Kentucky lost by three. ... P.J. Washington missed 12 free throws. Wow. ... That seems like you want to make those free throws.

Nick Saban only hires former head coaches as interns so he can eventually beat them

Is this Nick Saban thinking ahead and saying, Butch Jones might get another job in the SEC, so I need to put him under my coaching tree so that I can beat him? Because he's undefeated against his coaching tree.

Deion Sanders only considers players great if they call him for advice

If you're a young player in the league and you call him for advice once a week, then you're a good player. If he mentors you, then you're one of the best players in the league. ... If you play in a boring place like Tennessee, then he just doesn't know who you are.

Skyline Chili is terrible and only worth eating for the laughs

If I never stepped foot into Skyline Chili again, that would be fantastic. But then whenever we're in the Ohio area, PFT's like, it would be funny if we went to a Skyline. ... [We] sit there silently trying one bite and being like, nope, still terrible.

Duke is guaranteed to win the 2018 NCAA Tournament

We already know Duke's going to win it all. Yes. That is guaranteed. Yes. It's their year. Yes.

Kentucky will overlook their opponents and fail to reach the Final Four

I think something's going to happen in Kentucky. Yes. It's too easy for them, isn't it? Yes. It's just too set up for Kentucky to win the Elite Eight and go to the Final Four. Are they overlooking their opponents?

I would kill the horse Nyquist to recruit LeBron James to my basketball team

I'm totally serious about killing Nyquist. That's not a threat. That's an actual thing. We're threatening LeBron that he might get more horse heads in his bed if he doesn't sign with the breakers.

Every US taxpayer has a right to see the President's penis

In my opinion, every single United States taxpayer has a right to see the president's [Trump's] dick. I don't care if it's Donald Trump.

The Washington Nationals will win the World Series based on the Sports Illustrated cover logic

Actually, what this means is that in what, seven years the Nationals beat World Series champions? Because they predicted the Astros, the rise of the Astros. True. So whenever the first time that they picked the Nats was like eight or nine years from then, that's when they're finally going to win.

The NFL should reschedule Valentine's Day for the Sunday after the Super Bowl

Reschedule Valentine's Day for the Sunday after the Super Bowl. So you can have your one day with the family. And then, bam, right back into football before President's Day. Make it a national holiday.

Peeing in the sink is the most environmentally friendly bathroom habit

Peeing in the sink is actually the greenest way to go, so you're welcome. Instead of wasting 1.6 gallons of water on a flush, you pee in the sink. You then wash your hands in the very same sink, simultaneously washing down the urine and preserving nature's most precious resource.

MLB Opening Day should be a national holiday

I'm extremely excited about opening day because for the first time, you're going to have all 30 teams playing on the same day, March 29th. It should be a national holiday. Everybody should be up for work. Even you guys should be just watching baseball that day.