Takes

Michigan will lose to Villanova by at least 10 points in the National Championship

Michigan had like a five-minute run in the second half of their game against Loyola where they looked really, really, really good. If they can play that way for the entire game, maybe they'll lose by 10.

San Antonio is the worst city in America for cell phone reception

San Antonio not only has the most chips in any city ever, it also has the worst cell phone reception in any city ever. And we have not been able to tweet or do anything basically on our cell phones the entire weekend.

I'm betting on Michigan to cover against Villanova because water always finds its level

Or you bet on Michigan like I'm going to because water always finds its level.

I am pressing the panic button on the Chicago Cubs after a 2-2 start

Two and two. I'd say panic button pressed. Okay. Absolutely. All right. Without a doubt, the panic button has been pressed.

The Washington Capitals winning the Metropolitan Division means it is their year to win the Cup

Other big news, Caps won the Metro. Yeah, it's our year.

Watching the NBA makes you realize how bad college basketball players are at shooting

You watch college basketball for three straight weeks, and then you switch back to the NBA, and you actually wonder if the NBA has bigger rims, because every shot seems to go in. It's like, oh, hey, that open three-pointer, they made it. Oh, wow, a guy didn't just throw one off the backboard when the shot clock's expiring.

There is a 0% chance the falling Chinese satellite hits me

There's 0% chance the Chinese satellite hits me. Okay. 0% chance. I'm just saying. I'm not scared.

Sergio Garcia will choke in the big moments of The Masters

Sergio, I think this ship has sailed for him. He chokes every time he's in a big moment. It's Tiger. You know, it's a mental thing at this point. The second he hears Tiger sneaking up on him... he's going to melt down.

John Beilein is a Hall of Fame coach

What Coach Beilein has done, and I don't think he's given enough credit. I think he's a Hall of Fame coach.

Villanova will beat Michigan 84-72 to win the National Championship

Tomorrow night, I'm an incredible basketball fan. John Beilein. Jay Wright. 84-72. Villanova [wins].

Jim Nantz has never been on the internet

Jim Nantz has never been online in any capacity that we're talking about. I don't think he's ever been... unless someone's showing him Instagram on their phone, he's not by himself scrolling on social media.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is the future of American soccer at age 34

Zlatan is going to save soccer in America. He is. He's the future of American soccer. He's 34. And he's the future.

Sweden is my World Cup team for 2018

I think Sweden is my World Cup team. Dude, I'm Swedish. I would know. I'm like one 16th... I got all the shitty parts of being Swedish.

Baker Mayfield screen-grabbing negative tweets is a baby back bitch move

Baker Mayfield apparently is screen grabbing everything that's ever been said about him negatively. Sounds like a baby back bitch move that Kevin Durant does.

Joel Embiid was high post-surgery based on his Villanova tweets

Joel Embiid who apparently after he broke his face he's been tweeting... oh yeah he's probably been high. Very high. Some of the tweets he had during the game was, 'Man, am I high?' I guess that's confirmed.

Kevin Durant is the softest superstar of all time

But he [Durant] has to be the softest superstar of all time. LeBron does not get triggered. Kevin Durant had a burner account fucking responding to his own tweets. He literally goes on these podcasts and sounds so angry about everything... stop being such a baby all the time.

If you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life

Trevor [Bauer], the old saying goes, you can build a million bridges, but if you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life.

Since pickles are green, a Dilly Dog is basically a salad

No, I like it [Dilly Dog]. You can put anything in a pickle. And guess what? Since pickles are green, it's basically a salad. If you wrap anything in green, boom. Healthy.

DNA is just the human body's way of cloning itself

It's [DNA] a human body's way of just cloning itself. [On genes being passed down]

A child's athleticism depends on how 'athletic' the sex was at conception

I think it has more to do with how athletic the sex was when you actually were conceived. So if you're in a weird position, if you got like a leg up on a table, you're both sweating a lot, then you're going to have a really, really fast baby.

The MLB is on pace for a Subway Series this fall

For a second, it occurred to me that we're on pace for a Subway Series this fall. Because the Yankees look really good.

Aaron Boone is the best manager in the history of baseball

Aaron Boone, best manager in the history of baseball.

StatCast is a fraud because they just guess the numbers

I fucking hate you, StatCast, you fraud bitch. Exit velocity 117 miles per hour, which honestly doesn't sound like it's that fast. Someone asked me a stat cast today for, I think it was Ian Happ or maybe Rizzo's home run, and I did not look, and I was like one mile per hour off from the actual stat cast. So that is why they are frauds. They just guess.

Yankees fans become insufferable immediately on Opening Day

My biggest takeaway from opening day is how much it sucks living in New York when the Yankees, like last year, it wasn't until the end of the season where Yankees fans got insufferable. Day one for the rest of the season. Giancarlo, bro.

You can't live and die on every pitch once you get past the age of 18

You can't live and die on every pitch once you get past the age of 18. ... It's just life. Life eventually beats you down. ... You haven't been excited about a lot of things recently [to Hank].

Michigan is the 'Texas of football' in college basketball and I want to see their fans cry

Michigan is number one. Because that fan base, there are some tears to be had there. They're kind of like the Texas of football. Michigan has been teetering on being back for a while. I think this is the year that they're officially cemented as being back. But if they get that taken away from them immediately, that would be great.

I love Loyola Chicago and Kansas as Final Four underdogs even though I've been ice cold

I have talked myself into both underdogs. So if you are looking to fade me because I've been ice cold, I love Loyola Chicago and I love Kansas. I think both are getting a little bit written off. I think everyone in their head has Villanova versus Michigan as their final game.

Banks should show you your recurring monthly charges so you can see where you're wasting money

How come when I log into my Bank of America account... all I really want to see is what my recurring monthly charges are? Because I'm sure I'm probably spending $200 a month on stuff that I don't use anymore. How come banks just haven't figured out a way to be like, hey, here's what you're wasting money.

I'm starting a styrofoam cup and plastic bag company to 'zig' on the green energy market

What do you think the reception would be if we tried to start a styrofoam cup plastic bag company? ... I feel like there's a market for it because a styrofoam cup is a sturdy cup. ... I bet you we could get in on this nostalgia and be like 'hey, remember the cups that like killed all the wildlife in the world? We're bringing them back.'

I'm starting a Prussian bot farm to brainwash America into being aggressively moderate

What about Prussian bots? ... They'd be centrist. Yeah, like super, super centrist and try to brainwash America to vote for, I don't know, Mitt Romney. ... Let's get a Prussian bot that gets Mitt Romney back in—I like it. Romney, Lincoln Chafee, 2020.

MLB doesn't need a catcher for the first two strikes if no one is on base

Why for like the first two strikes of a batter, if there's nobody on base, do you really need a catcher back there? ... It would fuck the batter up, and it would also throw off the timing because the pitcher would just throw the ball, and then he'd have to walk and go get the ball that he just threw.

Stress makes your neck wider

I read a quote that you [Buzz] said you think stress makes your neck wider. Is that true? [Buzz:] Yeah. I got the widest neck possible then.

There is too much sugar in the world and not enough salt (truth-tellers)

There's not a lot of truth tellers in the world anymore. And so sometimes instead of saying the entire truth, people say a portion of the truth and then try to say something maybe that's kind of sweet so it's not offensive... There's a little too much sugar, and sometimes it doesn't have to be sugar. We just need to tell the truth.

I would have had a perfect bracket this year if I had filled one out

Last night, I got a little high, and I did some thinking, and I think with everything I know now, I would have had a perfect bracket if I had filled out a bracket. ... I just pick the four hottest teams in basketball. Put them in the Final Four. ... I did it.

The Washington Capitals will win the Stanley Cup this year

I am officially, without any sarcasm whatsoever... I think it is the Caps year... This is the Caps year.

The Los Angeles Rams are going to suck and miss the playoffs despite their talent

I think the Rams are going to suck. They have too much talent... They're a surefire lock to win the NFC West, possibly go to the Super Bowl. They're going to miss the playoffs.

The San Francisco 49ers are my dark horse to win the NFC West

Well, you're forgetting about the team that nobody's talking about. My dark horse, San Francisco 49ers, play in the same division. So that's going to be tough for [the Rams] to get by.

Odell Beckham Jr. will be traded to the Rams

Mark my words. I think he might actually go out to L.A. Yeah. Because, like you said, they're becoming a super team.

Jared Goff will be the NFL MVP next year

Jared Goff, MVP candidate, he was probably the MVP of the league last year. And he will definitely be the MVP of the league next year.

Derek Jeter is unqualified to run a baseball team

What has Jeter done ever to run a team as a success? What has he done ever, period? What businesses has he ever run? ... Bernie Williams carried him when he was on the Yankees. So what makes him qualified to run this team other than he was a ball player? None. Nothing.

The Marlins need to market themselves as an expansion team and lower expectations

They're like an expansion team. I told them at the town hall meeting and in my meeting, you've got to make people think it's an expansion team and lower expectations. ... Stop trying to tell everybody you're going to be a winner this year.

MLB should have every player miked up for regular season games

They should just have everyone miked at all times. I would love it. I'd watch another feed. ... First five innings. Perfect.

Duke will win the 2019 national championship with Zion Williamson

2019 Duke national champions. No even reason to play the season. You can just mark it down right now. Duke is winning the title next year.

The Sixers are easy to guard in the playoffs because Ben Simmons can't shoot

Ben Simmons can't shoot, so if you just take them out of his hands, it's a lot easier to guard a team with four players instead of five.

I can throw a football 80 yards, but the 92-yard rumor is 'fake news'

I mean, probably, like, right around 80 yards. ... [The 92-yard rumor] was completely fake news. ... Absolutely.

I always knew I was going to be an NFL quarterback

Going back to high school, this is the only thing I've ever wanted to do. Be an NFL quarterback. Didn't have a plan B. This is what I was going to make happen. ... [I always knew it was going to happen].

I could kill a man with a football from 10 yards away

If a guy's standing right there and I threw a football at his head, I think I could kill him. ... Deadly within probably 10 yards, I'd imagine.

Jon Gruden will wear a 'Make Football Great Again' hat within the next year

I think at some point in the next year, John Gruden will wear a hat, make football great again.

Ronda Rousey is in the middle of a 'heel turn' in her media appearances

I have to stay woke on it. I think she's turning heel. This is the start.

College basketball is better when Grayson Allen is playing the villain role

College basketball is better when you've got Grayson Allen shoving his ass into people and spitting on old ladies on the side of the court.