Takes

I'm taking the Eagles and the Under against the Vikings

I like the Eagles and I like the under, but I want the Eagles to lose in a heartbreaker just so we can get a bunch of drunk Philadelphians walking around with dog masks all night.

Blake Bortles is the 70th best quarterback in the NFL

Jacksonville is the best team in football... the problem is you've got to knock them down a few ranks because they have the 70th best quarterback... No, I'm not taking anything back from what I've said. Sorry. Negative.

The Jaguars are the best team in football talent-wise

Jacksonville is the best team in football. They have the best players on the field on a week-to-week basis. I said, the problem is you've got to knock them down a few ranks because they have the 70th best quarterback.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end and greatest mismatch in the history of football

Gronk is... He's unguardable. He's unguardable. He's the greatest mismatch in the history of football. He's the greatest tight end in the history of football.

The Vikings will beat the Eagles 23-17 in a close NFC Championship game

I'm going to pick Minnesota in a close football game... I think it's an ugly game, but like a 23-17, 20-17 Vikings win.

Case Keenum has a Kurt Warner-style Hall of Fame career coming

I'm a Case Keenum believer, which means it'll probably burn me. But I've said that he's got the Kurt Warner Hall of Fame career coming.

Jeff Fisher should be an NFL General Manager

Fisher's eye for talent. That's where I was going with this. To me, he should be a GM... He has built phenomenal – like the Rams team, you could see, has got talent... Aaron Donald, Quinn, Alec Ogletree... All those guys are Fisher guys.

If Bill Belichick worked on Wall Street, he would be the Wolf of Wall Street

Belichick is one of the smartest humans I've ever been around. If he was working on Wall Street, he'd be the Wolf of Wall Street. He is the great thinker. He analyzes everything.

Notre Dame is back to being a consistent Top 15 football program

I do think Notre Dame's going to be back into the... definitely top 15, I think, consistently type of football team once again... yes, I do think they're back into the national conversation.

Adam Schefter covering the NBA has become a distraction

And this one is for our little pee boy... Adam Schefter, who was scooped on the Todd Haley news when he was on the Le Batard show talking about the NBA. Yeah, has the NBA become a distraction for Adam Schefter?

If you appear on a screen for your job, you should be allowed to use steroids

My new rule is if in the course of your profession, you appear on a screen, you should be allowed to use steroids. That's a fair... It should be legal... If you appear on a screen in your job, just go ahead and shoot up whatever you want.

I could take a beating from Chris Paul or James Harden longer than any other NBA player

Chris Paul threatening to have a fight with me. I think that is one NBA player that I think would kick my ass the slowest. So it would take him the longest to beat me up. [James Harden] would probably run out of breath somewhere around there.

The NBA should allow players to fight on the court like in hockey to monetize it

This is why the NBA needs to let the players fight on the court, like in hockey. Because at least you get to monetize it. At least we get to see it happen. Now we're just left imagining.

Austin Rivers is the primary person to blame for the Clippers-Rockets tunnel fight

I'm going to leapfrog Austin Rivers to number one [on the blame list] just because the coach's son factor. That will get your blood going. If they had a gun... and you had one bullet, I know that you have to shoot Austin Rivers if you're Chris Paul, right? That's the guy that you would take out. I blame him.

The Cavaliers are in actual trouble this time

Real take here, I actually do think the Cavs are in trouble this time. Even though I've said this many times before, they go through this similar funk. Save this clip. Stink on defense. And they stink rebounding the ball. And they get bullied.

Banning ping pong tables in the locker room leads to playoff success

Sabermetrically, two coaches eliminated ping pong tables from their locker rooms this year. Both of them made the playoffs... Not only did [Doug] Marone get rid of that, but he also got rid of the dominoes table, which is like a multiplier for the ping pong table.

Humans, not rats, were the true cause of the Bubonic Plague

My Cool Throne is rats... turns out they didn't cause the bubonic plague. Really? We've been blaming rats for the last, like, 600 years. Turns out we're way off. No, it's humans. We were projecting on rats.

Dirk Nowitzki is just a poor man's Lauri Markkanen

Fastest player in history to 100 3-pointers, Lauri Markkanen, the Finn Reaper... I actually think it's reversed now. Dirk is just a junkyard Lauri. He's a poor man's [Lauri].

Ben McAdoo is a perfect hire for the Cleveland Browns coaching staff

The Cleveland Browns are officially back because they look like they're going to hire Ben McAdoo, offensive coordinator. I can't think of a better move than the guy who basically made every wrong decision in New York... You're going to fit in perfectly, Ben.

It is highly unlikely that I will ever return to NFL coaching

In regards to going back into the professional ranks, I've never closed a door that I don't have to, but I think it's highly unlikely is probably the best way of saying it. I'm very happy with the life I have, the balance I have with my life and the platform that exists with my job at CBS.

The Steelers lost to the Jaguars because they were too focused on the Patriots

It seems like there was a lot of talk around Pittsburgh about the Patriots, and there has been for the last couple years. The Steelers are very, very focused on the Patriots as a team. Do you think that had anything to do whatsoever with the disappointing result?

Ben Roethlisberger has had a better career than Eli Manning and Philip Rivers

As it turned out, [Roethlisberger] played before anybody else. He's probably played as long as anybody and has had more wins than any of the other two guys. So, well, I mean, as opposed to Eli's got two Super Bowl championships as well. No, I don't think anything really does surprise you. He's a special player.

The New York Giants job is the most attractive head coaching vacancy in the NFL

Would you rather be in the NFC North, the AFC South, or the NFC East? I think right now I'd rather be in the NFC East. [The New York Giants]... Now, do you have a quarterback in that team? [Eli Manning]... How high is your draft pick? Pretty high. [No. 2]... I think you guys are starting to answer your own questions.

Bruce Arians will return to football coaching within six months

I have a theory that Bruce [Arians] is going to be back in football within the next six months. I don't think he's going to be able to stay away.

The tunnel scuffle with the Rockets was just locker room talk and boys being boys

I can't imagine what everybody back in town was thinking when they heard that is what was happening... Continuity error. No, you're right. It was just a boys will be boys situation... Locker room talk. Yeah, exactly.

Editing Wikipedia for clients will be a high-paying job in twenty years

Editing Wikipedia pages is actually... That's going to be a very high-paying job if you have that skill set over the next 20 years. When was the last time you looked somebody up for an interview and dug deeper than their Wikipedia page?

Becca M will get her own spinoff show from The Bachelor

Becca doesn't need Ari at all... I think I love Becca's coming, or at least she's going to wind up being The Bachelorette... She's the favorite right now, and I think she's going to wind up getting the spinoff show.

You cannot have a popular podcast without talking about The Bachelor and Game of Thrones

You can't be a popular podcast unless you talk about Bachelor and Game of Thrones. That's a fact. Scientifically.

The Divisional Round should be renamed the 'Best Fucking Weekend of Football of the Year'

I just nominate, we call it the best fucking weekend of football of the year.

The Vikings' win over the Saints was a 'stay of execution' and they will still lose in heartbreaking fashion

[It] kind of feels like a stay of execution for Vikings fans. Because they are destiny. You know, it would actually be, I hate to say it, the most Vikings end to a season if they lost a Super Bowl in heartbreaking fashion in front of their home fans... They're going to win next weekend, and it's going to be – God, I feel so bad for them in advance.

The Saints should blow up the Drew Brees and Sean Payton era

Not to brag what I called it, but you should probably blow up the Drew Brees, Sean Payton Saints. Didn't win a Super Bowl.

Steve Sarkeesian being hired by the Falcons cost Georgia the national championship

If Steve Sarkeesian hadn't been hired by the Falcons, Georgia would have won the national championship because he still would be in the booth for Alabama. And the Falcons probably would have been a decent team this year because they wouldn't have had him calling the same 10 plays over and over.

Mike Mularkey should be fired as the Titans head coach

Mike Mularkey's getting a contract extension, too. He should be fired. Mike Mularkey should be fired.

The Patriots' path to the Super Bowl is a joke

The fact that the Patriots are going to – their path to the Super Bowl is going to be Marcus Mariota, Blake Bortles, and then Nick Foles or Case Keenum. I mean, that's a joke. They're going to win again.

The Jaguars' defense is as good as the 2002 Buccaneers

I've been saying since week four, not to brag, the Jaguars' defense is like the Buccaneers in 2002. They're that good.

My theory that Mike Tomlin stinks is confirmed

My theory that Mike Tomlin stinks stands and is confirmed even more. How do you, one, lose the Jaguars at home, two, have spit on your beard for an entire half and have no one [tell you].

Tom Izzo is overrated

Tom Izzo's overrated. Lost at home to Michigan. Can't do that... Tons of talent, and they are wildly underperforming.

Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football

All of [Jeff Fisher's] players are going to the NFC Championship game, and I love it because it just solidifies that Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football.

My Super Bowl prediction is the Steelers vs. the Saints

Here's my pick right here. Pittsburgh Steelers versus the New Orleans Saints.

Resting players at the end of the regular season is a huge mistake

When they said the Rams were going to rest players, I said that's a huge mistake. You've got a young quarterback, a second-year quarterback. You've got a young head coach... These players need reps.

There will be another 2,000-yard rusher soon because quarterback play is diminishing

Teams are going back to it because the quarterback play is starting to diminish... So in the meantime, if you're a team, you're trying to protect a young quarterback. What do you have to do? You have to run the ball again. And so it's going back to that. So, yes, I think there will be a 2,000-yard rusher again.

Christian McCaffrey will be a wide receiver in two years

He's going to be a receiver. [Christian McCaffrey] is going to line up more as a receiver in two years than a running back... A million bucks is the bet.

The Broncos' next franchise quarterback is probably not currently on the roster

Yes, the quarterback that they need is probably not on the roster. I would agree with that.

Tony Romo is a good announcer but he talks way too much

Let the fucking moments breathe. All he does is talk. He talks the entire broadcast... I hate how much some people think he's the perfect analyst... If he just let it breathe a little bit, he would be everything everyone says that he already is.

The divisional round is the best weekend of football

I would like to contend that the divisional round is the best weekend of football. Saturday and Sunday. It is a full weekend of football, and you're going to miss this. Actually, just one week when there are just two games left.

The Falcons will win the NFC

I've been on the Falcon bandwagon. I am on their bandwagon of thinking that they could win the NFC. I said it a couple months ago. I am going down with the ship, so I'm taking the Falcons. I'm taking them all the way to the Super Bowl.

The Eagles will cover +2.5 against the Falcons

I like the Falcons too. But I'm going to take the Eagles. Hank's on the Eagles plus two and a half.

The Patriots will win the Super Bowl

Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are just going to fucking, you know, shit kick everyone in the playoffs this year. I think, honestly, I have to take the Pats. I'm going Pats.

Bill Belichick leaked the Seth Wickersham article himself to motivate the team

I'm very, very woke on this whole article thing because there's a reason it came out last week when they didn't have a game. I think Belichick might have been the source for some of the things just to try to get a little controversy going out there in the media, get people starting to doubt the Patriots because Belichick, he loves to play the 'we don't have any respect' card.

The Patriots will beat the Titans by 30 points

Bet every single dollar you have on the Patriots. They're going to win by 30.