Takes

Jon Gruden will be the next head coach of the Oakland Raiders

He's going to be the coach of the Raiders. They fired Del Rio knowing that they were getting him, and now it's just a question of working it all out. All signs are pointing to Gruden.

The New York Giants is the most coveted head coaching vacancy in the NFL

I would say the Giants [is the most coveted job], just because they don't like to fire guys... And the thinking is Jim Schwartz is going to end up with that job that it was all predetermined.

Matt Patricia's Goodell clown-nose shirt may prevent him from getting a head coaching job

He wore that clown nose shirt coming off the plane, and it pissed off the commissioner. And as of July, the commissioner was still pissed... I could see an effort by 345 Park Avenue to steer the Lions away from Patricia.

Deshaun Watson was more dominant in the NFL than he was in college

Look at what Deshaun Watson did. Deshaun Watson was more dominant at the NFL level than he was at the college level. Nobody expected that.

Mike Zimmer might retire if the Vikings win the Super Bowl

I wouldn't be shocked if Zimmer, after everything Zimmer's been through the last couple of years... They win a Super Bowl. Maybe he just says, that's it, I'm done, I'm gone.

The Chargers were the best team to not make the playoffs in 2017

The Chargers were the best team to not make the playoffs. Absolutely were... They had a better DVOA than the Ravens. They were a better team than the Ravens.

Bob Stoops could be the next head coach of the Chicago Bears

We also thrown in Bob Stoops, who may be the new coach of the Chicago Bears by the time this airs. Ooh, he owns a house in Chicago. Two houses next door to each other. We call that a compound. Yeah, a little bit of a compound going on, so maybe he's the next coach.

Toughness and grit can be acquired like a callus on the human body

Absolutely, you can improve and become better at toughness. It's a talent, but it can be acquired too. I think of it like building a callus, just like the human body. What a tremendous organism. It actually craves contact... much like conditioning can be improved, so can that callus of toughness and grit also be acquired or improved. You've got a blister. It's soft. It's got fluid in it. It's going to break, but the great thing about it, when it does break, it'll callus over even stronger and harder and better.

I need the sport of football like some people need ice cream or a drug

You know, people are going to be better at things that they love, right? I mean, you're going to work harder at it... Some people need the sport of football. I would put myself in that category. No, I do. I love it... Some people like and need ice cream. You know, they want to eat it every day. I look at football like that. I need it. I need football. It's like a drug, yeah.

My life plan has always been to play football as long as I could, then coach, then die

Honestly, I knew from the very youngest age that I was going to play football as long as I could, then coach, then die. And I really haven't thought about deviation from that plan.

I grew three inches taller because I prayed every night and drank massive amounts of milk

I continued into the high school... the proof being that nobody in my family is over six foot. My brother, John, and my dad are the second tallest Harbaughs. It's right at six foot. I got to six three. There you go... I prayed a lot about it too and drank milk. What do babies drink when they come out of the womb? Milk. That's healthy stuff on earth.

Men's scrimmage teams beat the UConn women's team every day

They beat our ass every day... These guys will all be like college players, like Division III, Division II. And they end up coming to school for whatever reason. They came to Connecticut. These guys are good players. So now, anytime it's a test of physical prowess, of course they're going to win. Of course they're going to win. I mean, that's a no-brainer.

I would love to coach the New York Knicks because I love New York

[Would you coach] the New York Knicks? Yeah, would you coach them? Sure. I love New York.

Grit is the ability to keep your confidence when your potential or results aren't being met

Confidence comes from your perception of your own potential. And I think with grit, I think grit is the ability to keep your confidence when your potential is not being met or when the result is not being met in a particular context... time in life or in a particular moment.

If I were to coach in the NBA, I would go to the Knicks

What NBA team would you like to coach? Kind of kidding. The Knicks. But we're kidding, of course, because I don't want to leave the world... If [Jay Wright] were to coach at the NBA, he would go to the Knicks.

Investors should buy ETFs and stay out of individual stock selection unless they are experts

Buy ETFs, okay? And stay out of the individual stock selection business if you're not an expert. That's what I would tell you.

You can get rich by doubling your money every six or seven years

What you got to do is you got to double your money every six, seven years. You double your money six, seven years, by the time you get to my age, you'll be a very rich guy.

Positive self-talk and intention can literally change the composition of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down... And then it shows what, under a microscope, what it looks like with the word intention associated with it. I'm all in. Positive self-talk. So you talk to water. I need to, yes.

Dry-fit jockstraps will change your life and solve the problem of swampy undercarriages

I'm a big clean underwear guy. I probably went on Amazon and like they have these dry fit jock straps for when you like work out or play golf or tennis or something. They will change your life. It is the best thing... most men have this pissed off look on their face. You know why? Walking around sucks... because they're walking around with chafed legs, sweaty, swampy undercarriages.

The Cubs would not have won the World Series without the Game 7 rain delay

Do you think the Cubs win the World Series if that rain delay doesn't happen? No. I did not look like the most confident... i doubt we win without first of all if you blow a lead late in any game it's hard to then come back and win... the guys were shell-shocked as we all were and that rain delay... catching a little glimpse of our players meeting and it was awesome... I don't think we win the World Series without that, but you can't prove it.

You should never rank, rate, or compare championships, concerts, or children

What I've learned over the course of these now 64 years, never rank, rate, or compare. Championships, concerts, children, coaches, or congratulations. Just enjoy them all.

I used to be all about the outcome, but now I'm completely about the process

I used to be all about outcome, and I've changed. Now I'm about the process. I am completely into sustainability. I want to go on forever... Ultimately, [John Wooden] taught us two things. He taught us how to learn, and he taught us how to compete. And if you can learn, if you can compete, you can do anything.

If your roommate tells you he's making the room a 'trip chamber,' find a new roommate immediately

My roommate told me he's going to make our room a trip chamber... find a new roommate immediately. This is the biggest red flag I think I've ever heard in my entire life. If you're a senior in high school and you're calling things a trip chamber... this is not a guy that you want to be trying to study in the same room at.

College freshmen should spend a year living in a 'trip chamber' and blame all mistakes on the roommate

I'm so jealous of this kid. You're about to spend a year in the trip chamber dude... Make your mistakes young. When you go to college, first year, spend a year in the trip chamber. Yeah, and if you fuck up, you can just blame it on the other kid. It's not my fault, Mom. The kid, I walked into the trip chamber. I had no choice.

We need to take back Thanksgiving and make sure that only America celebrates it

Shocker of all shockers, Canada does Thanksgiving. They do. What the fuck? And it's before ours. They cucked our Thanksgiving. We need to take back Thanksgiving and make sure that only America celebrates Thanksgiving.

Switching from quarterback to wide receiver was like discovering my true self

I got to college and, you know, there's a lot of new things... you try some new things, try new positions in college... I was out on the field, and I caught a ball. Yeah, it felt right. I wasn't wearing gloves. Skin on skin. You always remember your first ball.

Pringles and frozen yogurt bars are elite munchies

I'm going to go Pringles... I'm going to go with... frozen yogurt. That whole like when you go to the frozen yogurt bar and you get everything. It's just the stuff you put on top of it. My picks are candy, Pringles, and water.

The NFL playing games on Christmas Day was bullshit

I think it was actually bullshit that the NFL played on Christmas Day. No, that's an NBA day. It felt so weird. The Steelers and Texans game, that felt like the first Saturday wild card game that no one really wanted to watch. I just felt like it was a little too much. They should have just kept it to Saturday and Sunday.

The 49ers will be everyone's trendy playoff pick for next season

The 49ers are going to be our Regis Philbin team next year. The Regis Philbin Dark Horse of the Year, where Regis even picks a team as the Dark Horse, that means they're no longer a Dark Horse. Every single person in the world is going to pick the 49ers to go to the playoffs next year.

The Titans should not be allowed to make the playoffs because they are boring

I think as a country we need to have a vote and make it so the Titans cannot make the playoffs. Fuck the Titans. I don't want to see the Titans in the playoffs. No one wants to see the Titans. Just think about this. Would you rather see the boring-ass, shitty-ass Titans losing the first round or Bills fans go crazy because they clinched their first playoff berth in like a billion years.

The Ravens are going to make some noise in the AFC

The Ravens, I think, are going to make some noise. Don't look now. The Ravens, they started to wear their black uniforms, and when they put the black unis on in November and December, they win a primetime game or two.

The Panthers' defense is good enough to win a championship

It's actually the Panthers that are my make some noise team out of the NFC. I think that the Panthers' defense is good enough to win a championship. I think that they're really fucking good right now.

If the Colts don't hire Bruce Arians immediately, they are the dumbest organization ever

Bruce Arians, I think, is going to walk away. And if the Colts don't fucking hire him immediately, they're the dumbest organization ever. Because, like, why wouldn't you fire Chuck Pagano and bring in the guy who actually was a good coach for your team?

Bruce Arians will retire for a year and then come back to coaching

I think that Bruce is the kind of guy that he's in Arizona... He's going to walk away, he's going to play like a year of golf, and he's just going to be miserable the entire time... So I think Bruce is actually going to be away from the game for a year and then come back.

Pete Carroll might walk away from the Seahawks if they miss the playoffs

If they don't make the playoffs, I can see Pete Carroll being like, we're just going to walk away from each other... basically everyone on the Seahawks hates each other, which is not new, but it feels like Earl Thomas is trying to go to the Cowboys.

James Harrison is a double agent sent by the Steelers to infiltrate the Patriots

I almost think that he's a double agent, that the Steelers sent him in there... To give fake play calls... James Harrison was saying he was so pissed off at Mike Tomlin... It's like that episode of Homeland where Carrie testified that she hated the CIA and then she went to a mental institution.

Giving Sean McVay credit for the Rams is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae; it's Jeff Fisher's squad

Giving Sean McVay credit for this team is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae. This is Jeff Fisher's squad. This is his team. He invented this team.

Debating whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie is the worst argument on Twitter

My other hot seat is people who want to debate Die Hard being a Christmas movie because I do not give a fuck. That actually might be the worst Twitter argument that goes on now. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? That was like five years ago and it wasn't interesting then and it's still even more uninteresting now.

Chip Kelly won't be as successful in his return to college because his system is no longer unique

Chip's going to... coaching in college football again. You think he's going to be just as good as he was the second time around? Probably not. Think about it. Everyone now runs what we ran in college. We were the first team to do this up-tempo, spread offense... Now everybody does it... So he is not going to be coming into a situation with a brand-new concept.

Eli Manning has plenty left in the tank if he gets an offense that suits him

He [Eli Manning] still has a lot left. Too many injuries, terrible offensive line, especially the tackle position... I think you give him a chance with a full new offense, new offensive line. They have weapons on the outside. He's a very specific type of quarterback.

The Patriots' defense is a problem because they can't rush the passer consistently

I think their defense is still a problem. They're 31st in yards per play on defense. This is not good enough. And they're going to run into a game where they have to stop a team and can they do it? I just think it's not consistent pass rush. It's every now and then, and I think you need to have more of a consistent pass rush to contend in the playoffs.

The Saints' biggest weakness heading into the playoffs is their lack of downfield passing

So this is odd about the Saints, but really it seems like their weakness is kind of throwing the ball downfield now. They don't really do that anymore... They just don't push the ball downfield anymore. Maybe they don't have to because of the running back situation. But they have a ton of explosive plays. They're just not the ball's not thrown deep downfield anymore.

Case Keenum is the next Kurt Warner and will eventually be a Hall of Famer

Case Keenum is like Kurt Warner in 1999 when everyone was like, come on, Kurt Warner, the backup, this guy, he's no one. Case Keenum is going to end up being a Hall of Famer. I'm squatting on that one. Because I've been saying all year, like, are we really doing this with Case Keenum? And we still are doing it. And he just keeps on rolling and rolling.

The Rams' biggest weakness is their lack of postseason experience

I guess the Rams to me would just be – haven't done it yet. Like, they haven't done it yet. Jared Goff hasn't had that opportunity... I think for them, it's just experience. Like, I just – they haven't had the chance to be together as this team with a second-year quarterback and do it all.

Converting defensive linemen to offensive linemen does not work in the modern NFL

This idea of drafting guys with a high upside that can grow into your system or drafting a defensive lineman [to convert to OL] doesn't work. You don't have the practice time anymore to mold these offensive linemen. You need to draft guys out of college from, like, the same six schools, Wisconsin, Iowa, USC, Notre Dame, just draft them from these schools that are ready to play.

Fading the public in bowl season is more profitable than in the regular season

I feel like fading the public in bowl season is much more profitable than it would be during the regular season, which means that what you tend to see is a lot of people betting favorites, a lot of people betting over. Personally, I start off looking at an underdog, and then I have to convince myself why that underdog doesn't actually have a chance to cover.

Josh Rosen is too smart to play for the Cleveland Browns

Between him leaking out that he doesn't want to play for the Browns and between his answer about why he's sitting out and why some players do sit out, I feel like he's way too smart to end up in Cleveland.

USC will cover the 7.5-point spread against Ohio State in the Cotton Bowl

I definitely like the Trojans to cover. It's a seven-and-a-half point spread right now, which between these two teams is just ridiculously large to me. I don't see how anybody looks at what Ohio State's done this year and what USC's done this year... and says that Ohio State's more than a touchdown better than the Trojans.

The under is the best bet for the LSU vs. Notre Dame Citrus Bowl

I like the under in that game more than anything, although I do think Notre Dame's going to win... I like the under more than anything, just because I think it's going to be kind of a rock fight more than most.

Alabama will beat Clemson by 10-14 points in the Sugar Bowl

I'm looking at this where I think Alabama's probably going to win this one, and I really don't know if it's going to be close. I think this could be like a 10-14 point win for Alabama. Hot take Fornelli. It's never really in question.