Takes

The Jose Quintana trade is a win-win for both the Cubs and the White Sox

The White Sox and Cubs actually pulled off a trade, and I actually like it for both sides... maybe the Cubs got exactly what they needed, a cost-controlled arm, and the White Sox keep building. ... You're getting the sure thing right now to keep your window open.

Owning a dog and having a child are essentially the same thing

Owning a dog and a kid, same thing. Yeah, for example, sometimes my dog, he sleeps in really, really late, and I have to wake him up to take him outside to use the restroom.

99% of office meetings could be solved with a text thread

I would say that 99% of meetings in general could just be solved with a text thread.

Atlanta is a college sports mecca, which is why the professional teams struggle for support

Atlanta is a college sports mecca. They love their college sports in Atlanta. That's why the pro teams kind of get the shaft a little bit.

The MLB baseballs are wound tighter this season causing more home runs

I think the balls are wound a little tighter this year, no doubt. I think pitchers are throwing harder and guys are stronger, so therefore the ball's just going to go further.

Alex Rodriguez was a more entertaining Yankee than Derek Jeter because of his massive highs and lows

Alex [Rodriguez] is the most entertaining Yankee more than Derek [Jeter] because of the highs and lows. He'll bring you as high as you want to be and he'll bring you as low as you want to be.

Aaron Judge is the face of baseball right now

With Mike Trout being hurt, Mike Trout being on the West Coast, the New York market is just crazy about baseball. ... it's hard to say [Judge] is not the face of baseball right now.

Aaron Judge will eventually move to first base to save his career

Eventually he'll probably want to because you know your knees and your feet will get worn down over a long season... eventually he'll want to move to first base because it will save his career a little bit.

Switch hitters have to re-learn how to hit every single spring training

I was two completely different hitters. I don't exaggerate when I say this... Every year in spring training, I had to learn how to hit again. I literally would come to spring training, the first few games, I would look like I never played baseball.

Wearing a dry-fit jockstrap while golfing will change your life

I'm going to give you three things that will change your life. Number one, jockstrap while golfing. ... Number two, Gold Bond powder. ... Number three, baby wipes. If you do those three things, I guarantee your life will be better. Calvin Klein makes these dry-fit jock straps that are like silk. It's like sleeping naked in silk sheets.

Painting your dog is fucked up and the dogs feel embarrassment

I think painting dogs is really fucked up. I think the dogs know. Dogs can feel embarrassment. They can. I'm standing pretty hard on this one.

I am firmly on Team Paint Your Dogs

I am firmly on team paint your dogs. ... We'll see about [the wrong side of history].

People who own rats, ferrets, snakes, or iguanas aren't right in the head

Rats, ferrets, snakes, iguanas, those people aren't right in the head. Steer clear.

The MLB All-Star Game sucks because the teams don't have enough time to haze each other

The my theory as to why the All-Star game sucks is that the teams don't have enough time to haze each other so there's no team building before the game starts. You don't get to like tape a guy to a wall... there's not enough buy-in on the team.

I have never been as wowed by home runs as I was watching Aaron Judge at the Derby

I have never been wowed by home runs like I was... Aaron Judge's home runs made me just sit there like holy shit. How can a human being look so effortless and hit the ball 500 feet?

Aaron Judge's height will eventually drive him toward playing football

With Aaron Judge, the thing about him is he could be the face of baseball. His problem is he's too tall. I'll tell you why. He is a guy that once he starts having a lot of success in a sport that's maybe not as athletic as some other sports, people will be like, why didn't you play football? And then he'll start talking about football. All roads lead back to football.

Winning the Home Run Derby will mess up Aaron Judge's swing

I'm going Aaron Judge's swing. Because everyone knows the home run derby, whoever wins it, it messes up their swing. It absolutely does... He was on track to win Rookie of the Year, maybe Triple Crown, but watch out. I already saw chitter chatter on Twitter that watched out for his swing.

Birds in the Western US are facing mass extinction due to declining water habitats

My hot seat is birds... A report came out from the Audubon Society... water and birds in the arid west... it's a problem. Habitats are in decline because water's going away. And so birds are going to face like a mass extinction out in the Western part of America.

Pigeons will eventually be the only birds left on Earth

The world is going to end up in a place where the pigeons are the king birds and they're the only birds left. It's going to be in like 100 years, it will just be birds are just pigeons.

No specific controversy will ever be enough to bring down the Trump family

People who think this is the controversy to bring down the Trumps, because my favorite part about whatever the Trumps are getting into the entire family is the reaction saying this is it. This is the one. And guess what? This probably isn't the one, so you only have about 24 hours to say it's the one until everyone's like, eh, nothing's probably going to happen.

Determining MLB World Series home field by regular season record is logistically difficult

Now they're going to go for the first time to whichever team has the best record gets to host the World Series... But that could be determined literally the day before the World Series begins if there are any rain outs... everybody has to pick up and scramble to the American League city. I don't see how that works out.

The MLB should determine World Series home field by interleague play record

What they should do is whichever AL NL, whoever has a better record in interleague play. Boom. Problem solved. There's a little National League versus American League pride now.

The Cubs might not have won the 2016 World Series without the Game 7 rain delay

I actually don't [think they win if the rain delay didn't happen]. They had that look in the dugout... Aroldis Chapman pitched the most impressive inning I've ever seen after blowing it in the eighth... It's impossible to know the answer to that question, but I think they had the right guys coming up.

The Houston Astros and LA Dodgers are on a crash course for the 2017 World Series

Probably the Astros from Houston. I think the Astros are really good. I think the Dodgers are really good. I think they're on a crash course for the fall classic.

Tony Romo will struggle with the transition to sports broadcasting

I think he and the world is going to be surprised at what this job demands. Let's just say that you can't be nice all the time. Tony Romo is a nice guy... I think it's going to be a difficult transition. This is not the most forgiving society we live in these days.

Tim Tebow will be a massive TV draw if he's called up by the Mets

I think there are a handful of guys that when they come to the plate, whatever you're doing, you're not going to leave the television. And he will be that guy for the New York Mets... If he succeeds, it'll be unbelievable to me.

Floyd Mayweather is overmatched by Conor McGregor in trash talking

Mayweather for the first time in his life is very clearly overmatched in the shit talking game. So he's been known as a good shit talker but in reality he's just been like i'm gonna beat the fuck out of this guy... McGregor has that where basically anything McGregor says is funny because it's Irish.

The Marlins fake their attendance numbers using Wi-Fi logins

I bet the Marlins do their attendance based on how many people log into the Wi-Fi every night. It kept on kicking us out like every 10 minutes, and then it would just come right back on. I bet the Marlins count it as like 50 people... every single person counts for like 15.

Chris Berman retired from ESPN because he knew the All-Star Game was in Miami and he'd sweat too much

Chris Berman retired from the All-Star game and ESPN last winter... I think maybe Chris Berman was like, oh, fuck. The home run derby is going to be in Miami. I think he was. They don't make a sweatshirt that's dark enough to cover up the stains that Berman would be sweating through.

Meditating is a top-four way to cool down in the summer

My last one is just meditating. Meditate... when I said meditating, I meant cool down like when you get hot in an argument. Like when you ever get in a really big argument. You need to take a deep breath.

Laying on the bathroom floor is the greatest feeling when you have the spins

This is actually more for when you have the spins, but it still is the greatest thing in the world. Just laying down on the bathroom floor... There's actually no better feeling in the world. It's great. When you're hot, when you're drunk, when you have the spins.

NBA players shouldn't be allowed to spend their entire contract in Houston because everything is too cheap

The nice thing about [James Harden's] contract is I don't think it's possible to spend this much money in one lifetime in Houston, Texas. Everything there is, like, really cheap.

Aaron Rodgers loves to get angry at other athletes' contracts

This is like the Aaron Rodgers specialty. Aaron Rodgers loves to get pissed off at other quarterbacks' contracts. That's like his thing. I want him to start jumping into other sports too and getting pissed off and be like, hey, I'm a better quarterback than James Harden is a shooting guard. How come I'm not getting paid?

A good Yankee player will always eventually be the face of Major League Baseball

You have Aaron Judge, Yankees, big market. People forget if there's a good Yankee, he's going to be the face.

Every great pitcher needs to have a streak of being an asshole

I think every pitcher, if they're going to be a really good pitcher, they need to have a streak of being an asshole.

Starting pitchers deserve 100% of the credit for no-hitters, but catchers deserve more recognition

The pitchers deserve most of the credit. Look, it's their ball and it's their game at the end of the day. But I wish the catcher would get a little bit more credit.

Catchers and calling the game are more important than hitting or throwing

Number one is catching and calling a game no matter what. You have to be able to call a game, know the right pitch, know your pitching staff, know when to call and what to call at certain times... throwing would have to be last, and probably hitting and then throwing is last.

Hawk Harrelson is the best announcer in baseball

Every time [Hawk Harrelson] calls me, it's a great feeling to know that the best announcer in the game is calling me.

Shoeless Joe Jackson belongs in the Hall of Fame

You think Joe Jackson should be a Hall of Famer?... Yes, I do... He had a pretty good World Series for someone trying to throw it.

Tim Tebow should 'go for it' in baseball even if he doesn't make it

Why not? Go for it. I mean, hey, if someone wants to give you a job to play professional sports and you want to try it, why would you say no?... If you don't make it, you don't make it, and you can always go back to ESPN and do the SEC.

St. Louis Cardinals fans are the classiest in baseball, followed by the White Sox

Rank the classiest fan bases... Well, St. Louis is number one. You could be 0 for 100, and they'll tell you you're going to get a hit tomorrow, even though you know you're not going to... For me, the White Sox, too, probably. Braves, three.

Groundskeeper 'The Freeze' should be an all-time pinch runner in the All-Star Game

The freeze is hot, right? Hilarious... So pinch runner, all-time runner, the freeze. So he just stands behind the catcher, and as soon as the ball's in play, he's running.

NFL players should only be allowed to have sex between September and Christmas to avoid off-season distractions

You're only allowed to fuck between September and Christmas. No fucking after Christmas... so that you're not going to be having kids during a stretch run.

Dentist offices should be installed on airplanes to save time

I'm also the guy who has the idea that we should start having dentist offices in planes so we can, you know, kill two birds with one stone... obviously we're gonna have to get through some of these hurdles [like turbulence].

We should have portable gyms in trucks so people can work out during their commute

We need to have portable gyms. So instead of your commute, you get in the back of a truck and you work out while you're commuting to your job. No one likes to commute. No one likes to go to the gym. Get them both out of the way at once.

You cannot make Boston racism jokes about Gordon Hayward if he is moving there from Utah

One first hot seat is people making Boston racism jokes and saying that Gordon [Hayward] went to Boston because he liked... casual racism. Guess what? You can't say that if he goes from Utah. Doesn't work that way.

Carmelo Anthony's 2 AM workout videos are laughable

Carmelo Anthony was working out over July 4th... it was so laughable that his own team actually laughed at it. I don't know if you saw that clip. No, there was a clip of the Knicks front office sitting at a summer league game watching the clip of Carmelo Anthony working out all laughing at him.

Swaggy P signing is irrelevant to the Warriors' championship chances

The Warriors' odds to win the NBA championship before Swaggy P signed, minus 163. After he signed, minus 163. So Swaggy P is literally irrelevant to the Warriors' chances to win. His wins above replacement is zero.

Steve Kerr is intentionally signing 'fuck-ups' to see how many he can fix without losing a championship

It's basically Steve Kerr being like, how big of a fuck-up can I turn into a player that still won't cost me a championship?

Adrian Wojnowski is on the hot seat for being 'cucked' by his own reporting and transition to TV

Woj, Adrian Wojnowski on the hot seat big time. He was getting cucked left and right on his reporting... He actually screwed up because he walked back the Gordon Hayward trade, right? And so he's like, actually, it's not done. And then he got double cucked over the top when Gordon broke his own news.