Takes

Wally Szczerbiak and Keith Van Horn were going to be incredible NBA players

I thought that Nick Kaner-Medley, Wally Szczerbiak, Steve Wojciechowski, and Keith Van Horn would all be incredible NBA players.

I could make the pros in five years as a knuckleball pitcher with seclusion and a personal chef

I said if you put me in a cabin in the middle of the woods with a personal chef and a knuckleball specialist, I could be in the pros within five years. I think with some training, seclusion, and just a lot more training, I could make it to the double A's and then, you know, who knows what happens from there.

Rajon Rondo is just one notch below Paul Pierce in Celtics history

When Rajon Rondo got traded to the Mavericks, I said he was a notch below Pierce, who was like a notch below Bill Russell.

The Warriors are actually a better team without Kevin Durant

We had everyone who said that the Warriors were better without Durant for that month that Durant was out. That was me. Hand up on that one.

Billionaires should pay for their own stadiums

It's unpopular to say it, but I think that billionaires should pay for their own fucking stadiums too, Bill [Simmons].

Lonzo Ball's Summer League introduction was the sixth most popular post in NBA Instagram history

The NBA made a press release today saying that of all the posts that the league has ever put on Instagram... that Lonzo being introduced at Summer League, when they put that up on IG... That's the sixth most popular thing they've ever put up.

Mike Zimmer's football team is more important to him than his own eyesight

Mike Zimmer had a huge year for football guys, getting his eye destroyed by a play sheet. And he came in hot, hot at the end because today, just today, he said that his football team is more important than his vision. He got like six surgeries on his cornea or whatever, and he was still watching film for 12 hours a day.

Coach Ed Orgeron once held a live worm in his mouth for an entire speech to fire up his team

Today, a story came out that Coach O had a live worm in his mouth for an entire speech to his team. He said it was just to fire up the team... He said, I do whatever it takes to feed my family. Whatever it takes to win, I'll do the same thing. He then, after that line, pulled out a wiggling worm from his mouth that he had had in his mouth the entire speech.

If the Eagles won the Super Bowl, I probably wouldn't go to the White House and would be the first guy to skip twice

If the Eagles won the Super Bowl, would you go? I see where you're going with that... but I would probably not go, and I would be the only guy ever to not go twice. Record holder at something. I'd go to the Lib Hall of Fame.

I call the Washington football team the Redskins, but I wouldn't cry if they changed the name

Chris, do you say the R words or do you say the Redskins? I say Redskins, but I wouldn't cry if they changed it. Not even a single tear?

Darren Rovell being 39 proves that if you're a narc in life, everyone assumes you're 15 years older than you actually are

The story was Darren Rovell is actually 39. He's Benjamin Button. Which is fucking crazy. It just proves that if you're a narc in life, everyone will just assume you're 15 years older than you are.

The sun is actually cold and is a big fraud

2017 is the year that we found out that the sun was a big fucking phony. The sun is not hot, and if you want any more proof, space is cold. How come it gets cold at the top of Mount Everest? ... Because there's hot magma underneath the earth as far away from the sun as possible.

Marlins Man claims he is the founder of All Lives Matter

Marlins Man claimed that he was the founder of All Lives Matter. He claimed he invented the phrase All Lives Matter.

The Challenge is the fifth best sport in America

If we're talking about non-mainstream sports, that's The Challenge. It's the fifth best sport in all of America.

Lonzo Ball's terrible shooting mechanics will get stuffed in his face against real NBA competition

We could make [the NBA logo] Lonzo Ball and his terrible shooting mechanics that are going to get stuffed back in his face a million times when he plays real competition, not in the summer league.

Colin Kaepernick has a 'Bob Ross thing' going on and the NFL wants a surgeon at quarterback, not an artist

Kaepernick's hair, he's got like a Bob Ross thing going on. The guy that was on Public Access, the painter guy. And if you want to be a quarterback, we don't want an artist, right? We want a surgeon.

NFL equipment managers might be the ones preventing teams from signing Colin Kaepernick because they don't have helmets big enough for his hair

Maybe it is actually the equipment guys who are telling these owners not to sign Colin Kaepernick because they're like, I don't think I have a helmet big enough for his hair.

No one will be put in a position of importance in America if they have weird hair

No one's going to get put into a position of importance in America if they have weird hair. That's a fact.

The 'Player to be Named Later' in baseball trades is enticing because it sounds like they could be anyone, even a Hall of Famer

But the player to be named later, it sounds really enticing. It's like, that guy could be fucking awesome. Could be anyone. Yeah, could be a Hall of Famer.

Mike Gundy's mullet should be considered an NCAA recruiting violation

I actually threw out the idea that [Mike Gundy's] mullet might now become a recruiting violation because who wouldn't want to play for him?

Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods in golf right now

The real question is it sounds like Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods now.

Curling is chess on ice and is a perfect mix of brain and brawn

It's chess on ice. It's a perfect mix of brain and brawn, and yeah, it's fantastic. The sweeping is incredibly taxing.

Rugby is the fastest growing sport in America

I can't say rugby because rugby is definitely not obscure. It's very mainstream. In fact, fastest growing sport in America.

Moms are the most important job because there would be no troops without them

It is the most important job that you can do. [Gun to my head] I'm going to go with moms come first. There would be no troops if it wasn't for moms.

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James

[Gun to your head] I mean, you go with MJ.

LeBron James' career is an incredible feat given the spotlight he has faced since age 18

For what [LeBron]'s had to handle from such a young age... to have the entire world spotlight on you, expecting you to be great, and to go out there and to live up to all the hype that people have put on you. And also have a clean record off the court... that's incredible.

Winning a Super Bowl is more important than making the Hall of Fame

Super Bowl champion. The Hall of Fame is awesome. It's really cool. But I think at the end of the day, you know if you played good or not. I don't think you necessarily need the justification of wearing it.

Success is not owned, it's leased, and rent is due every day

Its success is not owned its least and rent is due every day. And that's what I said... I've never once said that that was my quote. I've said before that it's not my quote. But people always give that to me.

You can't find a touchdown in a club

You can't find a touchdown in a club. Is that true? Yeah, that's my quote.

Saving a child's life is more important than saving an elderly person

Saving a child's life. I mean, if you're going to save one, you've got to save the kids.

Kirk Cousins is the poster boy for a quarterback bubble where teams feel forced to overpay mediocre players

I feel kind of bad for [Cousins] because he is the product of a quarterback bubble that we knew was going to burst eventually where teams just give these contracts out to guys like, are we sure they're good? And that is [Cousins] to a T. Like, okay, he's okay, but is he good? Eh, I don't know.

Pregnancy is controlled by a woman's mind and Plan B is usually a placebo

Plan B, to my understanding, is actually more often than not a placebo... it tricks the woman's body into thinking that actually she's not pregnant because pregnancy is controlled ultimately by your mind. Only mentally weak women will get pregnant.

Floyd Mayweather was a genuinely good guy until he used a homophobic slur

I thought Floyd Mayweather was a genuinely good guy until he dropped that hard F-bomb. That's the most problematic thing that these guys have done is use words that they shouldn't.

Dana White is looking bloated and out of shape

Dana White, a story that's not being talked about, he's looking pretty fat. Like he's bloated. I don't know. Maybe that those billions that he got has gone to his head... standing takes so much effort. Standing is not fun for guys who are overweight, and he's like, I'm going to lean all my body weight on this podium because I cannot stand up anymore.

Salmonella is like the chicken pox; once you get it once, you can never get it again

No, because if you get salmonella, then you don't have to worry about getting it again so you can eat cookie dough and stuff. Nope, [you] don't have to worry about it.

Lonzo Ball playing well in Summer League means the Showtime Lakers are back

The Lakers are back. Oh! The Lake Show is back. So Lonzo Ball's been playing pretty well in the Summer League, and so that can only mean one thing, and that's the Showtime Lakers are back.

The Aaron Judge slump is caused by participating in the Home Run Derby

The Aaron Judge, did he fuck up his swing, is fully back. He's like one for 14 right now. I think we called that before the home run derby even started, right?

I am not retiring

No, I'm not retiring. I feel great. You can put that on the ticker. But this last season was almost like a mini-retirement because with the back surgery, you're literally not allowed. There's a whole list of things you're not allowed to do.

You can't be one of the best players on a team if you only played three games

I think last year, yeah, I would not – I mean, you only played three games. You can't be one of the best players on the team if you only played three games.

I will never publicly put out statistical goals again

Never put numbers out anymore because then all people do is bring up those numbers and they don't actually watch. I did that one year... and for the rest of that next season and beyond, everybody's like, well, he didn't hit it. And everybody compares you to that.

My cabin in Wisconsin is actually the nicest house in America

I never actually called the cabin minimalistic... [it's] the nicest house in America. Beautiful house. I did one interview about the cabin and I never actually called the cabin minimalistic... then they find out it's a big cabin, and I'm like, I never said it was a small cabin.

Roger Federer is the GOAT and the classiest athlete of all time

He's the GOAT, but he's also the classiest. So a lot of class getting thrown around when we talk about Federer. The gentleman. Just the smoothness with which he plays. That is a guy that you want to be dating your daughter.

Tennis is the only sport where crying is acceptable and mandatory

I think that if there's one sport where crying is acceptable, if not mandatory, it's tennis. In fact, if Federer had wept... You have to cry in tennis. Then he's the classiest gentleman of all time to play the game.

The Sun is not actually hot because space is cold

There's a big conspiracy theory out there that the sun is not actually hot. ... If the sun is hot, why is space cold? ... The sun is probably the biggest fraud of all time if it's cold. It just knows how to take flattering pictures of itself on Instagram.

Game of Thrones has too many storylines for a man to follow

I don't like how there's so many storylines that are simultaneously going. I'm a guy. I understand one thing happening. You're either angry or happy. That's why guys like porn so much. They're fucking. That's the storyline. And then it's over.

Deontay Foreman should become a Second Amendment activist to resolve his PR issues in Texas

This is a very on-brand thing in Texas, to have a gun. Everyone's got a gun in Texas. Just become a huge Second Amendment guy. Deontay Foreman should go into the Houston Chipotle with an AR-15 strapped over your shoulder. ... Then I'm sure you'll get all the NRA people just absolutely 100% having their back.

Conceiving a child at the 20-yard line in Death Valley would create a super athlete

If you conceive in Death Valley... [the child] should be conceived at the 20-yard line. That's why they call it the red zone. Now we're back to the Harbaugh super football player. The super kid, yeah.

Floyd Mayweather plays up his illiteracy to have an excuse for tax issues

I have kind of a stay woke actually on Mayweather. I think that Mayweather isn't actually illiterate but he likes to play it up because that way he has an excuse when he doesn't fill his taxes out correctly.

Conor McGregor is winning the press conferences but will lose the fight to Mayweather

If [McGregor] does go and get his ass kicked, which I think a lot of people probably lean that way... this is definitely a situation where he's winning the press conference and will most likely lose the fight.

Conor McGregor should just foul Floyd Mayweather to avoid an embarrassing boxing loss

What if [McGregor] just starts kicking and grabs Mayweather, throws him to the ground, just beats the shit out of him? Obviously he loses the fight, it's a DQ, but he would beat the shit out of Mayweather. That way you don't have to suffer an embarrassing loss and you get paid a shitload of money.