Takes

The July 5th hangover is the worst hangover of the year

Just the July 5th hangover in general. That is the worst hangover of the year.

70% of people make a right-hand turn when they walk into a mall

i'm just i'm just a fucking nutcase guys i mean i pick apart and study and you know everything like 70 of people that walk into a mall make a right hand turn now that bothers the shit out of me and because it's true

Adding a second staircase to elevated bar levels significantly increases social interaction

I used to build elevated levels in bar and restaurants like everyone else with a staircase... you feel like a freaking idiot. You've got to turn around, walk back the other way. You're busted... So I simply put a second staircase in on the other side... social interaction went up big time. I'm guessing there are people that are married to this very day because of that freaking staircase.

NFL teams should use comedians or bands as opening acts to improve the stadium experience

what is the kind of stuff that, you know, cat can get that he can't get at home? ...putting a band before a game or after a game so that you can infuse a different type of entertainment into a show doesn't hurt either. I mean, you're going to laugh at this, Dan, but how about a comedian to open as an opening act?

Empty seats in NFL stadiums are a bigger embarrassment than 'minor league' promotions

Isn't that interesting that it's beneath them, but the empty seat isn't beneath them? I mean, it's pretty asinine and pretty egotistical. To me, the empty seat would be beneath everything.

Cold urine smells less than warm urine, which is why bars put ice in urinals

cold piss does not smell as much as warm so is that what it is is it is that why okay because we always just assumed because we're guys we like to pee on snow and ice... I can tell you this. Cold piss does not smell as much as warm.

Zing Zang is the only acceptable Bloody Mary mix

The things I hate the most about bars, number one, when they make their own Bloody Mary mix instead of using Zing Zang. Because Zing Zang... It's the perfected Bloody Mary mix. There's no topping it. It's perfect all around.

An overcrowded bar actually makes less money than one with 20% fewer people

You know what's funny is that bar with 20% less people in it would actually make more money that night. And that's the sign of a rookie owner. Because when a bar gets that crowded, I can't get waitresses to you. Bartenders can't serve everyone. Half the people in the room don't have drinks.

Bar farters are a major societal problem

Number one, I have a longstanding issue with it. Bar farters, anyone who farts in a bar, because they know they have the masses to hide behind. I think it's bullshit when you're walking through a bar and boom, it smells like someone just took a shit on the floor.

If a bar offers wings on the menu, they are obligated to provide wet naps

No wet naps when you have wings on the menu. That's another big one. Need that.

Rickie Fowler is coming off desperate by liking all 164 of his girlfriend's Instagram posts

Ricky Fowler, who apparently has been liking... He's liked every single one of his girlfriend's Instagram posts. Yes, 164... He's coming off a little desperate. Maybe tone it down.

Rory McIlroy will not stay off Twitter for more than a week

He got in a fight on Twitter and he gave his Twitter password to his wife... That's going to last about a week. Rory's going to be Jones in to get those retweets back. He's going to have some tweets to fire off.

Serena Williams can't be the G.O.A.T. athlete if she won't play Wimbledon while 9 months pregnant

I am upset, though, that Serena's not playing because she's pregnant. So I guess she can play when she's just like three months pregnant, but she can't play when she's nine? Fully pregnant... I can think of 700 male tennis players that would be fine playing when their wives were pregnant.

Jamie Horowitz should have worn a hat to hide his large forehead

Jamie Horowitz... Definitely should have been a hat guy. Should have went with a big hat. He's got a large forehead, and I'm not saying that's why he got fired, but it's the Tom Crean, right? It's like you can't give them an extra reason to fire you... if you have a big forehead that just looks stupid.

Befriend your TA instead of your professor to get better grades in college

You got to befriend your TA because that's the guy who's going to be reading everything. That's the guy who's going to be doing your grade. That's the guy or girl who is going to be deciding your fate. So forget the professor. Go find the TA.

JJ Redick will sign with the Philadelphia 76ers

My first prediction, J.J. Redick is going to sign with the Philadelphia 76ers. [He] bought a condo in Brooklyn, and we're connecting dots. We're getting into the realtor information.

The Bulls will sign Andre Iguodala to a massive contract that will immediately backfire

I predict that Andre Iguodala is going to go to the Chicago Bulls for seven years and $300 billion because his knees are just about to blow up... He's going to play 20 games a season for the next four years, and everyone's going to be like, oh, why are the Bulls not able to sign big guys?

Austin Rivers will sign with whatever team his father, Doc Rivers, is coaching

Austin Rivers, he's going to go wherever his dad goes. So they're a package deal kind of. I'm going out on a limb there I know, but that's kind of what I'm thinking.

Michael Beasley will sign with the Denver Nuggets in free agency

How about Michael Beasley? I'm saying he's going to go to the Nuggets. Get it? Get it? Or you could go to Seattle, too. They got a good team.

Nick Young (Swaggy P) will sign with the Los Angeles Clippers

My last prediction, I think Swaggy P is going to the Clippers because the Clippers need a little swag and he's not going to leave LA. So Swaggy P to the Clippers. Heard it here first. Guaranteed.

If you are a true American, you should celebrate Independence Day on July 2nd

The United States actually legally declared independence on July 2nd. So that's really – if you're really American, you should be celebrating on July 2nd.

Thomas Jefferson forged signatures on the Declaration of Independence to look cool

I'm a big 7-4 truther because I don't think that all these guys actually signed the Declaration of Independence because only a few people could actually write back then. And all the handwriting looks very similar to me. I'm thinking that a lot of the signatures were actually forged by Thomas Jefferson just so that it would look like he had a bunch of people that supported his cause so he'd look cool.

Philadelphia is the only city in the world that smells worse now than it did when people defecated in the streets

Philadelphia is actually somehow the only city in the world that has gotten increasingly worse smelling even though everyone used to shit in the street and wear wool in the middle of August. That's a fact.

The best way to enjoy a boat is to have a close friend who owns one rather than owning it yourself

My number three is having a friend with a boat but not actually owning one yourself. So you never want to be the guy with the boat. You want to be the guy that's got a good friend. They'll take you out, and if you throw them some fuel money, you're good.

The best way to enjoy a lake is to float in the middle with a life jacket and five beers

I like to just put on a life jacket and just sit in the middle of the lake and just drink beers, drink like five beers while I pee and just do nothing else. So you just sit there. It's great. You get all your friends just sitting there doing nothing.

I guarantee Joey Chestnut will win the 2017 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Joey Chestnut. He is competing in the hot dog eating competition like he does every year. He's going to win. We can guarantee. He actually guaranteed it in the interview.

Hot dog buns are significantly harder to eat since Wonder Bread went out of business

I did notice when Wonder Bread went out of business years ago, and then the buns changed a little bit. They seemed to get harder, but then eventually they found another company that were similar specs.

I could beat a grizzly bear in a hot dog eating competition

Michael Phelps is racing against a great white shark. Can Joey Chestnut beat a grizzly bear in a hot dog eating competition? [Joey Chestnut]: Yeah, I could do it... I think I have the capacity to do it. I think the bear would start to wonder what's going on.

Being called 'football smart' is actually an insult meaning you are dumb in every other regard

People come up to me and they say, well, he's football smart. That means that he's, they have no common sense and they're pretty much dumb in every other regards. So yeah, that's not a tag you really want.

Mike Krzyzewski and Bill Belichick are the two best coaches of this generation in any sport

Would you guys agree that in any sport, take all the major sports, is there a better coach in our generation than Coach K? Belichick, Krzyzewski. I don't know if you get any better than that.

Nick Saban's resting heart rate is just 'angry'

Nick Saban, because Nick Saban, he's like a volcano that only erupts every now and then. But when it does, and Nick Saban, you get the added bonus where he yells at his coaches... His resting heart rate is angry.

Blake Griffin is funny for a basketball player, but he's not a better podcast guest than me

I'll tell Blake to his face, you're funny for a basketball player, but you're not a better guest than me... I'll tell Blake to his face, you're funny for a basketball player, but you're not a better guest than me.

I will be happy if the Jacksonville Jaguars manage to win just two games this season

For the last eight years, I've thought that this is our year, like that we're going to be better. That's really so stupid. I'm just going to be like, if we win two games, then I'm happy. Everything else is icing on the cake after two.

The Jaguars have never had the #1 overall pick in franchise history

They've never, ever been the worst team in the league by record... [if they get only two wins] there's a good chance they'll have the number one overall pick, which will be the first time in Jaguars history that they have the number one overall pick.

Phil Jackson's master plan was to get paid for screwing up the Knicks

Phil's master plan was to get paid for screwing up a franchise and he's getting paid. He's just like [fucking] the ground, having a good time, getting paid for it. He played James Dolan like a fiddle.

Chris Paul hated Doc Rivers because of the preferential treatment given to Austin Rivers

Chris Paul hated Doc Rivers ever since he brought Austin Rivers on and basically didn't yell at Austin Rivers and treated him exactly like his child.

James Harden and Chris Paul will be fighting over the ball within two months

I give that about two months before we get James Harden doing something weird and being like, 'hey, I need the ball.' And Chris Paul's like, 'well, I'm the point guard and I need the ball.'

The 2017 Cubs are fine and will win the NL Central

The Cubs are fine until they finish 81-81 and probably win the Central. I have decided I'm going to keep telling myself the Cubs are fine.

Bryce Harper will sign with the Cubs

Bryce Harper wants to play in pinstripes. He's going to look good in pinstripes. As first reported by Pardon My Take. And his dog's name is Wrigley, so just connect a few dots.

Attending an Ivy League school like Princeton hurts a player's NFL draft stock

I think [going to Princeton] hurts. In fact, we had another guy my year at Princeton that got drafted. Ryan Grigson... said, 'I'll never make that mistake again.' You know, I just didn't believe that Princeton could have two dudes the same year. And the other guy was like a total freak show... they didn't even look at me because of that.

Ryan Fitzpatrick would not be in the NFL if he hadn't gone to an Ivy League school

Ryan Fitzpatrick, I'm convinced if he went to Virginia Tech, there's no chance he would still be in the NFL.

Jay Cutler is a dick and not a good human being

I've talked to multiple guys that played with [Cutler], and I've seen Cutler. Cutler is not a good human being. ... He's a dick.

Reduced practice time and the lack of two-a-days has significantly hurt NFL offensive line play

I think [the reduction in practice] has a lot of impact on the offensive line. ... if you're not working with the guy next to you that often, you're just going to mess up. ... best O-lines are the teams that they're around long enough that they're doing dummy calls and just totally messing with the D-linemen's minds.

Tom Brady can chug beer faster than anyone

Dude, he, you could not have poured the beer out faster if you just poured it out. And he crushed it and slammed the cup down like Gronk scoring a touchdown. His intensity, it was unbelievable. And I remember thinking, like, this dude has every positive male quality known to man.

The Patriots' winning culture is actually miserable and based on negative reinforcement

Terrible culture. So terrible. When I was there, 05 and 06, most of the guys were pretty miserable. You always feel like you're kind of being watched... It's 100% negative reinforcement. They start every meeting with the five worst plays from the day before. So your whole motivation is to not be on the low light tape and have Belichick cussing you out.

Romeo Crennel was way too nice to succeed as the Browns head coach

If I could have been honest, I would have been like, 'Romeo Crennel is way too nice. He'll never last.'

Bill Belichick's main motivation for making the playoffs is to avoid being forced to do 'Hard Knocks'

I think that [Belichick] doesn't want to be on Hard Knocks so badly that he just wants to make the playoffs every year just so he doesn't have to deal with camera crews and shit coming into his training camp.

The 'All-Joe Team' is just a list of mediocre white NFL players

It just means you're really shitty and white. For the most part, I believe. I don't know.

Bartolo Colon's obesity is a genius life hack because nobody suspects fat people of using steroids

Bartolo Colon, I'll tell you, that guy, he is a walking, talking life hack. ... when you're that fat, no one ever thinks you do steroids. So he just made a fucking 20-year career in Major League Baseball.

Ketosis causes the body to literally excrete fat through urine

When you're in ketosis, you're just pissing out fat. Fat, pissing out fat. Just fat's coming out of your pee hole.