Takes

Golf celebrations are best when they are simple hat tips rather than failed physical coordination

I think golf celebrations are best executed when it's just the two guys taking their hats off and tipping them at each other. Just like a real, let's keep it, let's crawl before we learn how to walk, let alone run. The golf celebration is just you take your visor off before you shake the guy's hand.

Tim Tebow will be in the Major Leagues later this year

The Mets have such bad injuries that [Tim] Tebow is just going to be on the Mets. He's going to be in the major leagues later on this year.

If you stay in a bar that is uncomfortably hot, you are a crazy person

If you go into a bar that is hot and you don't leave immediately, you're a crazy person. I will absolutely call a night like, alright, night's over if I walk into a bar and it is uncomfortably hot in there.

60s and 70s rock was specifically made to be listened to in a car on the highway

Bands in the late 60s and 70s made all of their music so that it sounded beautiful in a car going 75 miles on the highway.

Diversify your investment by buying scratch tickets in multiple states to become a millionaire

On a road trip, little pro tip, you buy scratch tickets or lotto tickets at every single stop in multiple different states. It's called diversifying your investment. And you will then become a millionaire.

I would not return to coaching even for a $100 million offer

Why would I do that? I would have stayed doing what I was doing. So I was ready to make $6 million almost at Oklahoma. Already built, already ready to roll. $50 million. $100 million. Obviously, it's not about money. So, no, I'm good.

Lincoln Riley is the right character and guy to lead Oklahoma forward

Lincoln's the right guy. He's got all the right attributes and character to be the guy to continue to lead the program forward. And I knew that. And I believed strongly that the administration would believe that as well.

Adrian Peterson was the clear alpha on the team from the day he arrived at Oklahoma

That guy from the day he walked on campus... he was the man. I mean, you know it, right? You know something's up when all the seniors come through your office, they're like 'Coach, have you seen him?'... he was running the show from the day he stepped on campus.

The story about Mike Leach locking a player in a shed is likely misunderstood

I don't believe [Mike Leach] did it then either. I think that whole story got a little bit mixed up.

Kevin Love is the perfect fall guy for LeBron James because he won't talk back

Actually we kind of predicted this, that Kevin Love was going to be the fall guy. Everyone knows you need a fall guy. Chris Carter told everyone, need a fall guy. Kevin Love is the perfect fall guy for LeBron [James] because Kevin Love's never going to say anything. He's not going to subtweet. He's just going to go about his business.

Russell Wilson is at the bottom of NFL coolness

Derek Carr is pretty much a great player, pretty lame dude. Way cooler than Russell Wilson. But to be chirping Russell Wilson and ball-busting Russell Wilson, Russell Wilson is actually at the bottom of NFL players when it comes to coolness.

If you are getting chirped by Derek Carr, you need to reevaluate your image

If you're getting stunted on by Derek Carr, it's time to reevaluate your image a little bit.

The Sounders and Timbers only play each other in MLS

I feel like the Sounders and Timbers only play each other. I'm convinced that MLS was like, hey, you guys in the Pacific Northwest, you tend to enjoy your scarves and your soccer. Just play each other all the time. We'll pretend like it's an MLS game, but it's not real.

The Big 3 should hire Bob Huggins to kiss players who get injured on the sidelines

We hire our friend Bob Huggins on retainer, and he just stands on the sidelines so he can kiss everyone who gets injured. Because you know it's like, hey, half the guys you're here to watch are going to get injured, but you get to see Bob Huggins mouth kiss them.

If Serena Williams were an NFL player she would be a nickel cornerback for the Jets

If she was in the NFL, she'd probably be like a nickel cornerback at best for the Jets.

Minnesota fans are not allowed to use the nickname 'Jimmy G. Buckets'

You do not get to call him Jimmy G. Buckets. That's Stacey King. That doesn't transfer. That does not transfer. Stacey can call him Jimmy G Buckets. Jimmy gets buckets. You can't then have that.

I am officially authorizing Minnesota fans to call Jimmy Butler 'Jimmy G. Buckets'

I'm going to go ahead right now and officially authorize Minnesota to call him Jimmy G Buckets. If you live in Minnesota, go for it.

Kentucky is a football school now

Mark Stoops, we talked to him about Kentucky's a football school now. We decided.

Bulls front office members Gar Foreman and John Paxson remain fuckheads

Gar Foreman and John Paxson remain fuckheads. [The Bulls season] never even began, but yes, it is over. They're dead... I don't trust these guys to actually rebuild correctly. I mean, you got fucking trainers saying that they're worse than drug dealers.

Lauri Markkanen is a bum who is soft and sucks

I find out they drafted... Lauri Markkanen from Arizona. I am now going to sell myself on this guy, which is going to be the greatest spin zone of all time, because we went to the Pac-12 championship game, and I think we said multiple times, this guy fucking sucks. He's a bum. He's soft.

LaVar Ball will be doing work for the WWE within two years

Within two years, [LaVar Ball] is going to be doing stuff for WWE. He is that good at being the heel. Like, he was yelling at the reporter for not holding the microphone close enough to his face.

The Sacramento Kings actually had a good draft

Sacramento Kings. The Kings actually drafted well. So they got Fox, Justin Jackson, and Harry Giles from Duke. And I actually for a moment was like, is the world – are we still on earth right now?

Michael Jordan will mentally break Dwight Howard

Now we're going to get Jordan playing one-on-one with Dwight and just backing him down. He's going to dunk on him. Talking shit to him, beating his ass like he did to Kwame Brown. Worked out pretty well for him.

Phil Jackson is the Wile E. Coyote of the NBA

You could just make up a story like Phil Jackson was spotted walking around MSG with his hand in a toaster and his foot stuck in a bucket and he fell off a balcony, and his feet kept moving until he looked down, and then he fell. He's basically become the Wile E. Coyote of NBA.

The Vegas Golden Knights jerseys suck

Those jerseys suck. Bad sleeves. Suck. It's like they tried to get as many colors as they could fit on a sleeve... A fictional 2004 franchise in Madden has better jerseys than a 2017 real-life franchise. It's really bad.

The Chicago Bears will go 16-0 and run the table in 2017

Yeah, so, you know, obviously we're going to run the table in the regular season... We're going to roll the whole way down the river clean... 16-0.

Markelle Fultz failing to fill in the template on his Instagram ad was a genius marketing move

Everybody ought to ignore everything Big Cat just said because we actually gave Markelle Fultz the best PR advice of all time... We got millions more impressions on this thing than he would have got if he actually tweeted out the right thing... this is a genius marketing strategy by Tissot.

Marian Hossa is the best player Patrick Sharp ever played with and it's not even close

Patrick Sharp, who has played on a lot of three Stanley Cup teams and Team Canada, once told me that Marian Hossa was the best player he's ever played with, and it wasn't even close.

Driving a golf cart across your own green is the definition of 'Fuck You' money

That's the definition of fuck you money is driving across your own golf courses green. Yeah, that – it doesn't get more ball. He's a baller.

Putting your airplane seat up during landing is useless

Why the fuck do I have to put my seat up when I'm landing in an airplane? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck's going to happen if my seat doesn't go up? It's like one of those seats that creeped back even without me pressing the button... the woman asked me like four times to put my seat up.

Incoming college freshmen should break up with their long-term girlfriends

So I've been dating my girlfriend for around a year now. [Billy Football]: Okay, dumper. Break up. Pretty easy stuff.

Taking acid is dangerous; freshmen should stick to binge drinking

But I'm just going to say, for the record, taking acid is very dangerous. Stick to safe things, like binge drinking your freshman year.

Rugby is the best sport to lie about playing to pick up women

Clear answer, obvious rugby. Rugby does it. We pay money to each other and we buy equipment and beer. We have socials with other sports teams and we sing songs.

Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert is cheap and never gives GMs a second contract

Dan Gilbert's really fucking cheap, and he has, what's the stat? He's never given a GM a second contract in 12 years.

LeBron James is the actual General Manager of the Cleveland Cavaliers

It's funny because people do make the joke that LeBron James is the GM of the Cavaliers, but you can tell from some of the trades. Like the Channing Frye trade, you can tell which one's not a LeBron trade. It's like if you listen to a Beatles album, you're like, Ringo wrote that song. I can tell that's a Ringo special.

Phil Jackson is dangerously close to tarnishing his NBA legacy

Phil Jackson, I think we've said this on this podcast, but he is dangerously close to tarnishing your legacy territory... as himself. Phil Jackson, his legacy as an NBA guy, mind, player, coach, GM... You always remember the last thing you did, and if he trades Porzingis and continues to make the worst team in the NBA even worse, that's some legacy talk.

DJ Khaled is on the hot seat because he got booed off stage at a music festival

My hot seat is DJ Khaled... he went to a music festival tried to perform actual music and just got booed off the stage because I mean he's all his songs are just other people singing and him in the background.

Joe Biden will eventually run for President

The big one is Joe Biden... He said, I have no intention of running for president, but I'm a great respecter of fate. So that is, I love that line. I too am a great respecter of fate... Joe Biden is only running for president if God tells him he should. And then once God tells him he should, well, what are you going to do?

Wikipedia is the greatest website of all time

My number one is Wikipedia. The best website of all time. I don't think I even need to explain it. We have a Wikipedia club.

The 2003 Yahoo Fantasy Football page was perfection

Michelangelo never created anything close to the perfection. That was on the 2003 Yahoo Fantasy Football homepage.

Markelle Fultz is healthy, which is a first for a Sixers first-round pick

Markel Fultz, healthy. That's a first for the Philadelphia Sixers, so we're happy to break that.

Harry Giles has the potential to be a late first-round All-Star

I could definitely cheat and say Harry Giles, the freshman at Duke, because he's done the ACL thing twice. He's probably going to go in the 20s... But he was the number one high school recruit by some rankings when he went into Duke... From a talent standpoint, [he] is the most likely one.

Jonathan Isaac is the Tyrus Thomas of the 2017 NBA Draft

If you're giving me that comp, it's probably Jonathan Isaac from Florida State. Because on the high side of things, when you watch him and it's good, he's seven feet... he can shoot from three... when he's right, it is so impressive that you're sitting there and you're going, wait a minute, how come this guy's not going number one?

Dennis Smith Jr. has the talent to be a future Hall of Famer

I think if somebody said, hey, Dennis Smith, a couple years ends up being, I don't know, like Dirk or Paul Pierce, future Hall of Famers... he's skilled enough. It's not like he's lacking the skills to become a really good player.

If the Spurs draft Jonathan Jean, he will be a Hall of Famer

If the Spurs take [Jonathan Jean] 59, book it Hall of Fame.

Luke Kennard will be drafted by the Pistons at pick 12

I don't think [Luke Kennard] gets past Detroit at 12.

The Chicago Bulls front office has no actual plan or internal communication

Some people will say that the Bulls are very secretive, but it turns out they're just actually not doing anything... there's actually no thought or conversation going on at the Bulls' facility right now. They couldn't leak anything if they wanted to.

Bulls fans think their front office are morons, but they have actually drafted well in stretches

I'm going to remove myself from some of this because I actually think there was a stretch where they drafted really, really well. And now all you Bulls fans are so mad that you think they're just morons from day one.

Cody Bellinger is likely on steroids after hitting 21 home runs in 51 games

Cody Bellinger... He just hit his 21st home run of the season... He's only played 51 games... It's like we all had that one friend that didn't really drink much at all in high school, and they get to college and they overdo it and just get in a whole lot of trouble. That's kind of what Cody's doing with steroids.

Jim 'Bones' Mackay was Phil Mickelson's personal bookie

Phil Mickelson and his caddy, Bones... they are splitting up. I mean, we all know why, right? Two reasons. One, Phil didn't go to the U.S. Open... and two, Bones was probably Phil's bookie, and Phil probably can't gamble anymore.