Takes

Women carry up to two liters of extra blood during their periods

It's actually a fact. Women during their periods are carrying up to two liters more blood than the average human.

Brooks Koepka is too attractive to win a major tournament

[Brooks Koepka] is way too attractive to win any kind of major tournament. Usually you need a receding hairline, some Phil Mickelson man boobs, some Tiger Woods inner demons. Give me one flaw that I can make fun of you for on Twitter and make me feel better as a person.

Attractive people shouldn't be good at anything because it makes them impossible to make fun of

If you're an attractive person, you shouldn't be good at anything. Give me one flaw that I can make fun of you for on Twitter and make me feel better as a person. [Brooks Koepka] has an attractive girlfriend. He just won like $3 million. He's attractive. He's the U.S. Open winner. Fuck this guy.

The U.S. Open course at Erin Hills was way too easy

The golf course lost. I expect more. I want to see the U.S. Open golf course. I want to see Jim Nance giving his tie to the course. Everyone was just hitting it right down the middle the whole time. Easiest golf course I've ever seen. So USGA, figure it out.

Ricky Fowler can't win a title wearing 'candy-ass' bright orange uniforms

We do have the theory that candy-ass uniforms can't win titles. So, are we a little nervous? He had that bright orange on Sunday. Maybe, like, I was just thinking, hey, is Ricky Fowler playing for the Dolphins? Because... This sucks.

Ricky Fowler should start wearing red on Sundays since Tiger Woods is no longer in contention

Tiger's not going to be in contention on Sundays anytime soon. Somebody needs to swoop in and grab the red over. Take those reds. I'm so dumb that I will root for any golfer that makes playing in red on Sundays his thing now. Because that's as close as we're going to get to cheering on Tiger again.

Josh Jackson is a better fit for the Celtics than Markelle Fultz

Josh Jackson fits what the Celtics have more than Markelle Fultz. He's going to be able to defend a bunch of positions. He's going to be able to play a role that you guys need.

NBA prospects suck until they actually prove it in the league

I'm of the mindset that the best players in the world are currently in the NBA, and if you're not in the NBA yet, then you suck. I don't see anybody competing against the superstars for the next five to ten years. I haven't seen [Markelle Fultz] play, so he must suck.

The ESPN Trade Machine is the most fun role-playing game in existence

The ESPN trade machine is back in a big way. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing on it. I'm just clicking on players' names, and when you get one that says, 'this trade is successful,' you feel like you've beaten a level in a video game. The trade machine is the most fun role-playing game that you'll ever play in your life.

High school football is officially back in June because grad parties are over

High school football is back. Grad parties are over. Coaches are distributing helmets and shoulder pads. It's June. Mini camps in full effect.

Icing Bros will inevitably make a comeback

I'm going to call it right now. Icing Bros is going to come back. That's going to suck. Take a knee and chug. That was a tough summer of 2008 or 9, whatever it was.

Madison Square Garden is the best place to play in the NBA

My number one pick, my favorite city always to visit is New York. The Garden is one of the most fun places to play. Just the energy, even when they're not as good or even if they have more hype. It's always a good crowd, great city.

Phoenix is a sleeper NBA city with huge potential

Number two, kind of a sleeper city for me, is Phoenix. Young. It's a good time. Great weather always. I like to get in there a little early. Just take my claim, put them on the Mount Rushmore, and then when they do blow up, it's like, hey, I was here from the beginning.

Toronto is a premier NBA city because it is culturally diverse and a great tax city to play in

Number three, I'm going Toronto. North of the border. Toronto's great, culturally diverse country. Solid fans, great tax city to play in. Also Drake, you could be friends with Drake.

Boston is a top-four NBA city to visit and play in

I'll tell you, I went with Boston as number four. Great call. I think definitely half of me [loves it]. I mean, half of me loves it. The other half, it's hit and miss. It depends on who I run into.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.

Portland is the #1 NBA city because the fans have nothing else to do except hike and watch basketball

I actually, along those same lines, I went Portland. Especially with the old Jailblazers. Those guys used to have a real good time out there. I think Portland has some of the best fans... That's because they're homeless, so they don't have anywhere else to go. No one in Portland has a job. They move around from bookstore to food truck to Trailblazers games.

Homer Simpson is the greatest sitcom dad of all time because every man aspires to live like him

Number one, I have Homer Simpson. That's a no-brainer. We all grew up idolizing Homer. In fact, every man's life is spent getting to a place where he can just live his life like Homer Simpson. Every man's dream. How'd you know I wanted to always dress in a muumuu?

Frank Costanza belongs on the Mount Rushmore of TV dads

My number one, Frank Costanza. Yes, that's a good one. Classic, classic. Frank is definitely on my Mount Rushmore of TV dads. And he hates George.

Mike Brady is a beta male for raising kids that aren't his

Mike Brady [is] raising somebody else's kids. He's got to pay for all their education and their trips to Disney World. Those weren't even his kids. He's not a real man. He's a beta male. He's stuck paying for an alpha male's problem.

Alan Thicke is a top-four sitcom dad because he launched Leonardo DiCaprio's career

My fourth and final pick: The late, great Alan Thicke, Growing Pains. Iconic, launched the career of the biggest movie star and the consummate stick man, Leonardo DiCaprio. Alan Thicke rounds off my top four of sitcom dads.

Kevin Durant should lean into the 'fart face' rumors to be relatable

The reason why people hate you [Kevin Durant] right now is that you joined a 73-win team to win a title. Give us something to make you relatable. Be the fart face guy. It actually humanizes him a little bit, doesn't it?

Michael Phelps is definitely coming out of retirement for the Tokyo Olympics

Does anyone actually think that Michael Phelps isn't racing in Tokyo? The guy can't go a year without having to get into a race with a great white shark, and this is the guy who's retired? He's definitely going to race in Tokyo.

Number 56 makes a defensive end look the fastest on the field

I believe as a 32-year-old white defensive end, I would decide on picking the number that made me look the fastest. [Number 56].

Kevin Durant is a 'baby back bitch' for refusing to come on the podcast to address 'fart face' rumors

Kevin Durant has answered my tweet. He said, nah, I'm good. Appreciate it. I asked him to come on the podcast to discuss. And I guess he does not want to discuss the fart face shit. So too bad. Maybe I was right all along when I said he was a baby back bitch.

Tim Tebow just needs to have sex to fix his baseball issues

Tim Tebow just needs to have sex. It's gotten to that point, Tim. That's too much aggression. I mean, a bat going into the first five rows, that happens. A bat going into the second deck. That's a guy who needs to have some sex. Just come once.

Freshman should always get a roommate instead of a single

Got to get a roommate. The guy who gets the single, he's immediately judged like, oh, you're better than us. And it becomes a party room. You're a freak. The guy who has a single room, there's always questions. Freshman year, just get a roommate, deal with it.

If Conor McGregor beats Floyd Mayweather, boxing should just jump off a cliff

If McGregor wins, boxing should just jump off a cliff. This is the only time, at least that I can remember, that if one person wins in a matchup, he has the ability to defeat an entire sport. Just close an entire sport down.

Mayweather vs. McGregor will likely end in a disappointing decision that leaves everyone regretting the purchase

Because I've watched every Mayweather fight in the last decade, I'm going to say it's probably going to be a decision. We're all going to be disappointed and be like, damn, why did we pay $200 for that?

The whole world would benefit from Conor McGregor beating Floyd Mayweather

The world needs McGregor to win. That would be the best. The whole world would benefit from McGregor winning.

I am going to bet on Conor McGregor because my dumb brain will talk me into it

I'm going to break the news now. I'm going to bet McGregor because my dumb brain will talk myself into it. I'm looking forward to knowing I shouldn't bet him and knowing that he's going to lose and still doing it.

Phil Mickelson shouldn't have taken a spot in the US Open if he wasn't committed to playing

I feel bad for all the kids and their families up there in Wisconsin that they get one chance a year to see their favorite golfer. And the dads probably buy tickets... And then big superstar decides to sit this one out. That doesn't happen in other sports.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT

Michael Jordan. The GOAT.

LeBron James is still fighting his inevitable baldness but will eventually have to give in

See, [LeBron] is fighting it. He's really still fighting it. Eventually, he'll come home, but he's putting up the good fight.

I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on Spirit or Allegiant Air

Spirit and Allegiant Air, I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on any one of those airlines.

I would rather move across the country to keep my current cable provider than move down the street and have to change it

I'd rather pick up all my stuff and move across country if I could keep my cable providers than move down the street if I had to change them.

Cell phone and cable companies are the best businesses because customers are ignorant but need the product

There are two businesses that you really should be in... the cell phone business and in the cable business. Because when you are in a business where the customers don't understand what it's all about, what the bills are all about, but they need it, what better business could that be?

Apple purposefully sells iPhone chargers that break so you have to buy more

My number one [minor inconvenience] is buying iPhone chargers from, like, a gas station, and then when you plug them in, they just don't work... [Steve Jobs] basically has made a charger that cannot be duplicated... They have chargers that you can charge your iPhone once and it's just charged forever. They just won't sell them to us.

The 'full sock overhaul' is a life-changing hack where you throw out all socks and buy 60 identical pairs

I did this a couple years ago. It changed my entire life... I called it a full sock overhaul. And I threw out all my socks, and I went and I bought the exact same pair of socks. I bought like 60 of them. So that way you can never actually lose one.

Elon Musk should stop trying to get to Mars and focus on giving us retina credit cards

Elon Musk, if you're listening to this and we know you are, quit trying to get to Mars, you fucking nerd. Just give us retina credit cards.

We should bring back shoplifting until credit card machines are streamlined

I'm going to bring back shoplifting. Just stealing from gas stations. Until they figure themselves out. I don't want to wait in line to pay for something. Martial law.

Louisville will likely have to take down their 2013 championship banner

The sanctions just came down... Five ACC games. And it looks like they might have to take down the banner for the 2013 championship team. We don't know yet.

Draymond Green is an all-time classic heel

I'm a big fan of [Draymond Green]... all-time classic heel. He had a shirt that said Quickie in the Quicken Loans font... I need this feud, though, to keep going... because I think Draymond clearly gets under LeBron's skin.

Draymond Green will eventually take his trash talk too far and start calling LeBron James' children ugly

I can see Draymond getting way, way, way too mean in the next class... Like Draymond might post pictures of his kids and be like, your kids are ugly. Like Draymond is a guy that takes it way too far too fast.

Odell Beckham Jr. is actually a workmanlike professional who just goes about his business

I'm kind of on Odell's side here because those newspapers and all those media outlets have unfairly criticized him. He's just a guy who goes about his business, doesn't make things about him... Workmanlike. Punch in, punch out. So I'm on his side.

Brandon Marshall will take Odell Beckham Jr. under his wing this season as a major media storyline

I think that Brandon Marshall, because he's big under my wing guy, he's going to take Odell under his wing. That's going to be a storyline this summer. Take him under his wing, show him how to keep his cool.

Every season is ass-eating season

It never goes out of season. Well, maybe like the dog days or something. August is not for asses. Asses are like Europe. They just take August off.

LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible

I think LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible. Yes, the least desirable products. It's actually a smart move of him, though, to limit the number that he could sell this time.

I would rather die than have my fiancée save my life with the Heimlich maneuver

I'd rather die. I'd rather die. You can't have someone just walking around being like, I saved your life.

LeBron James is still the best player in the NBA

I just want it on the record that I do still think LeBron is the best player in the NBA, but what Kevin Durant did in the finals was fantastic.