Takes

Kevin Durant lost his man card for spitting out a beer while celebrating

All the money in the world, all the championships in the world, they can't buy you back your man card. So he was in the locker room afterwards celebrating, took a sip of beer, and just spit it out all over himself.

The 2017 Golden State Warriors are not the greatest team of all time

Are the Warriors one of the best teams in NBA history? Are they GOAT? Are they the GOAT? No, they're not. I think three-year stretch, they're up there. Only winning two out of three probably hurts them.

Kevin Durant will take a pay cut to stay with the Warriors

Is KD going to take less money? Yes.

Billy Football will transfer to a Division I school and eventually make it to the NFL

Billy Football is actually playing college football next year for a Division III school. But we've already made it clear that we're going to be transferring to a Division I school after this next year and then the road to the NFL.

Mitch Trubisky should start early because the Tim Tebow model worked for John Fox

John Fox... just said he wants to start getting Mitch Trubisky as much experience as possible, as early as possible... because it worked really well when he got Tebow. All that experience right away.

Dennis Rodman is the greatest American diplomat in history

Dennis Rodman... has proven that he is the greatest American diplomat in history... He just went to North Korea. But he freed that hostage that was over there.

No 'perfect booties' on Instagram are safe now that LeBron James has ended his social media blackout

LeBron James is now back on Instagram and Twitter if ZeroDark30-23 is over, and that means no perfect booties are safe because he likes his perfect booties. He likes to like them.

The Warriors would have been a better team if they never added Kevin Durant

The concern I had with the Warriors... they kept their top three players, but other than that, they made major moves. They got rid of rim protection... for a guy that I thought was redundant... throughout the regular season, it was looking correct. Now, in the playoffs, it looks idiotic, and I got to own that.

Draymond Green is a poor man's LeBron James

Draymond is like a poor man's LeBron. Because Draymond is... a guy that can guard all five spots. A guy that can bring the ball up the court.

Shooting three-pointers is the least visually pleasing skill in basketball

When the Warriors' success up to this season was predicated on two guys who have mastered the one skill in basketball that, to me, is least pleasing, just from a visual perspective... Shooting threes.

LeBron James is the greatest basketball player of all time

I think LeBron's the greatest player ever. You disagree with that, and we can have that discussion as well if you'd like.

Replacing Deron Williams with Matthew Dellavedova would have won the Cavaliers the 2017 NBA Finals

If you replace Deron Williams with [Dellavedova] this postseason, do the Cavs win? Because I actually think that they might.

Wayne Gretzky is the best player ever, but Sidney Crosby is the best I've ever seen

Wayne is the best player ever. But, I mean, I think – I mean, obviously, Sid, in my eyes, just because I'm – I mean, I've seen him play, and I see him every day. I think, honestly, he's the best player that I've ever seen and been able to play with.

A Labor Day fight between Mayweather and McGregor would heavily favor McGregor

I heard somewhere that it was going to be maybe Labor Day weekend. In which case... it would heavily favor McGregor. Because Irish people hate working and love getting into fights and you get into a lot of fights when you're not working.

Eddie Lacy is purposely sucking while in shape to prove he was better when he was fat

What's to say Eddie Lacy meets all his goals, gets in shape, and then purposely sucks? So everyone's like, wait, he was better when he was fat.

Steer clear of dating hardcore runners to avoid being forced into a miserable Saturday morning routine

You don't want to get in a relationship with a hardcore runner, because then you're going to be getting up at 6 a.m. on Saturdays. You always see those couples, and they're running, and they have matching outfits, and one of them looks absolutely miserable. One of them's like, I want to kill myself. That's the one that you're going to end up being, so just steer clear of runners.

If a woman has sex with a man once, he will be willing to have sex with her again at any point for the rest of his life

Basically, if you're a girl and you have sex with a guy, at any point for the rest of your life, if you're in the same room as him, you can be like, you want to fuck and he will want to fuck you.

Winning back-to-back Stanley Cups is basically cheating

I didn't know you could win back-to-back Stanley Cups, so that's kind of cheating in my mind. I hate the Blackhawks. We never knew that those rules existed.

The U.S. government should use being a hockey fan as an interrogation technique for terrorists

The United States government should make one of their new enhanced interrogation techniques for terrorists. Just make the terrorists become a hockey fan. Watch three overtimes. And then have to watch playoff games until their team loses in the Stanley Cup Finals.

The Stanley Cup is the best trophy in all of sports

The Stanley Cup itself is the best trophy in all of sports. I think we can all agree on that.

The World Cup trophy is great because it uses actual gold instead of fake materials

I actually like the World Cup ball. Anytime you can incorporate just actual gold into a trophy instead of this fake stuff that we see. I'm a gold standard guy.

The Lombardi Trophy is the toughest trophy in sports to win

My number one is the Lombardi, actually. Toughest trophy in all sports to get.

The NCAA basketball championship plaque looks like an employee of the month award

I had three that plaque they give the NCAA basketball champion, which just looks like employee of the month plaque. Like J.D. Power Associates giving Audi their award for best foreign car.

LeBron James's legacy is intact only because the Cavaliers avoided a sweep

The two other stories we had, one is because the Cavs didn't get swept, LeBron's legacy is intact. It's a lot of legacy talk. If you get swept, the legacy is out.

The Cavaliers have no chance of winning Game 5 against the Warriors

Do you think the Cavs have any chance? [Hank]: Nope. [Big Cat]: Are you ready to dance on Cleveland's grave? [Hank]: Yes.

Michael Vick revolutionized video games by making custom quarterbacks unnecessary

Michael Vick was... basically whenever you would play Madden and you'd create your own video game player for quarterback, then Michael Vick came along and you just didn't have to do that anymore. You just play with Michael Vick.

The 2017 Yankees are fully back

The Yankees are fully back. Pinstripes for everyone. Aaron Judge hit three home runs on Sunday. His 21st of the year. Also the longest home run of the year... They have the best run differential in the league.

The NBA Finals are a sideshow circus off the court

Once you get to the finals, it becomes... a sideshow circus off the court. It's like everyone you've ever known all of a sudden is your best friend and wants tickets. Every basketball media outlet in the entire world is focused on this one game, this one series, and then it crosses over into pop culture.

LeBron James is a murderer and a scary dude on the basketball court

His intensity was night and day. Not just his intensity and his competitiveness. I mean, he has a killer instinct. He's a killer out there. He'll tear your head off and dunk it... He's an intense, scary dude. You don't want to get in his way.

The Ray Allen Game 6 shot in 2013 was the worst loss of my entire life

That Ray Allen shot and that loss was the worst loss in my entire life, easily... It was over. We won the championship. And then, bam, we missed free throws. They get offensive rebounds. They hit a couple threes, ending with that Ray Allen one. And we lost the game, and it was, like, just so crushing.

The Spurs were like the Blues Brothers on a mission from God in 2014

We were like the Blues Brothers on a mission from God that next season to get back to the finals and make right by that loss. And so once we got to the finals and matched up with Miami again, the rest was history.

Celebrating a tie in soccer is un-American and makes me want to puke

The amount of celebration over a tie makes me want to puke... Very un-American. We play to win the game. That's why we've won every war we've ever been in. That's America.

You cannot be the GOAT of tennis if your specialty is clay

I don't think that you can be GOAT if your specialty is the clay. It's like basically Steph Curry using the three-point shot as his crutch. If we want to get into it, really the goat should just be the best player on grass.

The GOAT of tennis should be the best player on grass because real goats live on grass

Really the goat should just be the best player on grass. [PFT]: Yeah, Wimbledon. Because goats live on grass. So Rafa [Nadal], I guess, sure. I don't know.

Sebastian Telfair should become a Second Amendment advocate to crowdsource his legal fees

Just become a big Second Amendment guy... If I know one thing about the Make America Great Again crowd, they will throw money behind people that they support. If Sebastian Telfair starts a Kickstarter online being like, my Second Amendment rights were infringed, he'll earn like $500,000 in legal fees overnight.

Jeff Van Gundy is white-knighting for Khloe Kardashian because he has a thing for her

But what it sounded like, it sounded like Jeff has a little thing for Khloe... So he's white knighting, really. He's trying to fuck Khloe.

It is a social law that you are allowed to say mean things about the Kardashians

Jeff Van Gundy needs to realize that like we've a long time ago made it kind of like a social norm that you can say anything mean about the Kardashians. It's okay. That's just become an internet law... That's the social contract we have all signed a long time ago.

The torch has officially been passed from LeBron James to Kevin Durant

I am under the theory now that the torch has not only been passed, but it's comfortably sitting in Kevin Durant's mom's house. She has it on the mantle.

LeBron James has no killer instinct because he is a father of three

LeBron's a father of three, so this might have something to do with it, but he just has no killer instinct. He's too close to life. If you're the best player in the world, quotation marks, and you have the ball the way he had the ball at the end of the game, you take it to the hole and you try and get fouled. Or you at least ask for the ball.

Sidney Crosby is the biggest thug in hockey

Is Sidney Crosby the biggest thug in hockey? He did two things tonight... He dribbled P.K. Subban's face off the ice like it was Deron Williams just dribbling out of bounds... And he threw a water bottle onto the ice during play. Wow. Dangerous.

MLB drug tests me more often because I'm a short guy hitting home runs

They like to come and test me all the time when I hit home runs because they don't really believe a short little guy can hit homers. So I'm kind of surprised they haven't came yet, but I'm sure they will soon.

Winning the Belmont Stakes is less valuable to horse breeders than winning the Derby or Preakness

The mile and a half distance of the Belmont Stakes is such a rarity in American racing that winning the Belmont doesn't mean nearly as much to breeders if you're going to retire to stud than winning the Kentucky Derby or the Preakness. You've got a grand total of one grade one stakes in America running a mile and a half on dirt, and that's the Belmont.

Tapwrit is a must-play for the Belmont Stakes trifecta

I think [Tapwrit] is a must play in the trifecta. Absolute must play and maybe even must play in the exactas. Todd Pletcher has this thing figured out... They come into the Belmont, his home track. They're really rested, ready to roll.

Gormley is a 'no bet' for the Belmont Stakes

I would say here, [Gormley], no bet.

Irish War Cry is the logical favorite to beat in the Belmont Stakes

If [Irish War Cry] runs his best race, he's a daylight winner. You can't say that about any of the other horses in the race. So even though he's the favorite, I think he's the horse to beat.

Red Cardinal is a great bet in the Belmont Gold Cup

Red Cardinal is a great bet in the Belmont Gold Cup tomorrow. It's the 10th race. He's coming in from Germany... and he's already one of the co-favorites in November in the early betting for the Melbourne Cup. And this is not a particularly good bunch of American horses. So he's a really, really good play.

Sharp Azteca and Rally Cry will finish 1-2 in the Metropolitan Handicap

The Metropolitan Handicap. Sharp Azteca, who I think will win, probably. But the [number] two Rally Cry... he's five to one. And I think he's got an outstanding chance. And I think those two, in either order... I think they're going to run one, two.

Christian Pulisic will make soccer the biggest sport in America

This guy, he is going to make soccer the biggest sport in America. This is the guy. It actually already happened with Freddy Adu, and then John Harkes, and then DeMarcus Beasley, but it's happening again before our eyes.

Kurt Eichenwald should embrace being the tentacle porn guy on Twitter

I think he just needs to own that block. He needs to be the tentacle porn guy. Just change your avatar to like an octopus... and just put your head right on top.

Lincoln Riley is the ultimate football guy name

That is the ultimate football guy name, isn't it? I think that Lincoln Riley is a perfect head coach name, especially for the middle of nowhere Oklahoma.