Takes

You should only ask a new date to a wedding if it doesn't require a flight and hotel

If [the wedding is] in the city you both live in, then I don't think there's ever a too soon. If it's a flight and a hotel room, you're probably going to want to wait a month or two. Because... one or two months in, that's not a we can poop in front of each other [stage].

Buying a trampoline for your kids is like buying a gun range for your family

Buying a trampoline for your kids is a terrible, terrible, terrible idea. I can't stress... it's like buying a dizzy bat race slash gun range for your family. That's how bad it's going to be. Everyone's going to get hurt.

The ultimate parenting life hack is buying a trampoline for your neighbor's kids

Here's really what the life hack is right here. Buy your neighbor a trampoline for his kids... He can fucking assemble it. He can hurt his grass. And now your kid is not around anymore. Just tramp cuck him.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have the worst hair of any team in NBA history

It just occurred to me, the Cavaliers are probably the NBA team with the worst hair of all time, and they're matched up against the team [Warriors] with the worst facial hair of all time.

Booger McFarland could beat any professional golfer if given a couple weeks of practice

If you guys didn't know, Booger thinks that he can beat a professional golfer. If you give Booger a couple weeks practice, he can beat anybody in golf. I actually agree with that.

Persistence and annoyance are the keys to winning over a woman who has rejected you

Here's one thing I know about women. If they tell you, no, I don't want to date you, the more persistent you are and the more annoying you are to them, then eventually they'll let you in. Yeah. Just comment on all of her Instagram pictures. That will work.

J.J. Watt rejected the Top 100 players list only to show everyone how humble he is

J.J. responded to it and said, I only played three games last year. What a joke this list is. So J.J. gets it. He's going to make sure that everybody knows how humble he is. And he's rejecting the title of a top 100 player. While also letting everyone know that he made the top 100 list.

Ohio State's unrealistic coaching wish list is a strategic 'anchoring' move

This is a great move by OSU, though, because if you just throw out the wish list that's just insane, everyone's like, okay, well, that's crazy. And then you get one of those second-tier guys that you probably were a third-tier. Yes, it's called anchoring. Anybody who's negotiated knows this. You ask for way, way more than you should get, then you'll get a little bit more than you deserve.

If LeBron James gets in a fight when he is horny, it is not his fault

Cool throne, the Ryan Brothers... everyone knows if you get in a fight because you were horny, it doesn't really count. It's not a fight... if you get in a fight when you're horny, it's not your fault.

The 1990s Bulls would beat the 2017 Warriors if played under 90s rules

The Warriors are built for an era where there's no handshaking, where the defensive rules are different. If they played during the Bulls 90s era, I think the Bulls team was built for those rules. So they would win.

The 2017 Warriors feel more overwhelming than the 2016 version because of how Kevin Durant changed their chemistry

The two games of last year's finals, the Warriors actually won by more. But for some reason, this just feels so much more overwhelming with the way Kevin Durant has changed the chemistry of that team.

JaVale McGee will have a surprising high-scoring game in the 2017 NBA Finals

I actually think JaVale, no joke, I think there will be a game where JaVale has a surprising number of points. Because when you talk about how they're going to defend... what that will leave is a lot of backdoor cuts for JaVale to the basket.

LeBron James signs short contracts to force team management to stay aggressive

I don't think it's an accident he keeps signing these shorter contracts. He's not... LeBron James free agency not signing a five-year contract for a reason. I think he likes keeping his options open... The problem is [with long contracts] your team has no motivation to do anything for you. Plus all the money is locked up. They don't go bring anyone else in.

There is a 30% chance Alex Ovechkin gets traded this offseason

Do you think that that's [Ovechkin being traded] really going to happen? I would say it's like 30% chance of happening. But that's 29% more than last year... I wouldn't be shocked, put it that way.

The 2017 Stanley Cup Final will go to seven games

Where do you see the last three games going? I think it goes seven. I mean, you say that it looked like it wouldn't have been a long series... I think home team's going to win game five, Nashville's going to win game six, and then kind of a coin toss in game seven.

Hockey is the only sport that truly has karma

Hockey is the only sport that I think truly has karma. That's a fact. Yeah, I can go with that one.

College and high school baseball coaches belong to the same 'phylum' as football strength coaches

College baseball coaches and high school baseball coaches are under the same phylum as football strength coaches. They're very similar. They're very similar species... They share 98% of the genetics, but the 2% that they don't share makes them a little bit different.

Men stay in the bathroom for 45 minutes just to avoid being nagged by their partners

The real answer, to answer your question, female listener, is we spend that much time in the bathroom because that's the only place you can't nag us. We're avoiding you.

A guy who is 'over the top nice' early in a relationship is hiding something

If he's over the top nice, if he's buying you stuff constantly and flowers and writing you cards, he's probably hiding something. Because no guy after three or four dates is going to keep putting in that amount of effort. Or he's too clingy... If he keeps pouring it on, he's probably hiding something. That's a fuckboy.

The Cavaliers are dead and have no chance in the 2017 NBA Finals

It is Monday, June 5th, and the Cavaliers are dead. They're dead... D-E-A-D, dead. I'm going to say it, and this is going to sound crazy. I actually feel a little bad for the Cavs. It's not fair. Like, what the Warriors are able to do is not fair.

Ty Lue is playing exactly the wrong style of basketball by trying to keep pace with the Warriors

I don't understand, and this might just be an impossible thing to do because the Cavs somehow built a team that can't slow it down anymore because they want to play up-tempo offense themselves, but the fact that they're playing at a pace that just plays right into the Warriors' hands feels pretty stupid by Ty Lue.

The torch has officially been passed from LeBron James to Kevin Durant

Two, I had two, was the torch is passed. ... It's so much so that it's Kevin Durant's league that we have moved on from torch passing to Kevin Durant's legacy because he joined the Warriors.

The Warriors will beat the Cavaliers in a five-game 'gentleman's sweep'

I'm pretty confident... I'll give the Cavs one [game]. I want to hear the phrase gentleman's sweep again... I just really like that title.

If the Cavaliers come back to win the series, fans should unsubscribe from the podcast

You can quote me on this. If the Cavaliers end up coming back and winning this series, unsubscribe. For one day.

The NHL needs another Sidney Crosby concussion to get back into the limelight

I'll tell you what we need. We need a Sidney Crosby concussion. That always gets the NHL into the limelight. Just another one of those. Even if he's not concussed, just say, yeah, he's concussed and he's actually going to skate tomorrow.

Millennials are responsible for Applebee's going out of business because they dislike chain restaurants

Millennials are being blamed for Applebee's going out of business because they don't like to eat at chain restaurants. So shout out to us. We are at all actually millennials. ... PFT and I are like on the cusp of millennials. We do like chain restaurants.

Phil Mickelson is skipping the U.S. Open for his daughter's graduation to mock Tiger Woods' lack of a family life

Phil is saying he's not going to play in the U.S. Open because his daughter is giving the commencement speech at her high school graduation. ... Phil's like, oh, I'm not only healthy enough to play in tournaments, I'm just now saying I'm not going to play because I love my family so much. ... [He's] twisting the knife a little bit.

Cheer shorts are officially back

I told you, I think about a year ago today, I said cheer shorts were back. ... I saw somebody wearing shorts the other day that had cheer written across the bottom. So they're back.

LeBron James ruined the competitiveness of the NBA and deserves to be swept

This fucking guy created this big three bullshit, this AAU friends and family banana boat in the summer bullshit. He started this shit. And now they created a big four... I hope they fucking swept. And then the nail will be in the fucking coffin. You're not like Mike. You're never going to be like fucking Mike.

Five Kurt Rambises with LeBron's brain would beat five Kurt Rambises with Michael Jordan's brain

Because it's slower and LeBron clearly has the size advantage... I just ran the numbers on my calculator, and I am going with LeBron on this. [Five Kurt Rambises with LeBron's brain versus five with MJ's brain]

Team LeBron/Ty Lue would beat Team MJ/Steve Kerr in a hypothetical 3v3 because Steve Kerr's back is too hurt to play

MJ with Steve Kerr when he was a player and Steve Kerr when he's a coach. ... Steve Kerr can't walk... MJ might punch him in the face, too. ... With the Steve Kerr injury, I will have to go reluctantly with the LeBron-Ty Lue team.

Draymond Green did not actually kick LeBron James in the groin in the 2016 Finals

No, that didn't happen... I'm saying that LeBron James had no idea that he even hit the fabric when that happened, and not until he went to the locker room and he saw the videotape, and then he became LeBron Blames... The dick kick didn't happen.

The Quicken Loans Arena atmosphere feels like a simulated PlayStation 2 game

It's like being in a PlayStation video game. It's weird. It's like everything was made... There's the noise meter and Loudville and these weird... It feels like everything was created in some simulation PlayStation 2 game.

Bryce Harper is leaning towards signing with the Cubs in free agency

Peter Gammons reported that Bryce Harper is actually leaning towards the Cubs. ... Might I remind you, two quick things connect the dots. Bruce's dog is named Wrigley. ... And he played baseball with Kris Bryant. ... Do the math.

Morton Andersen is the best soccer player of all time

Morton Andersen, best soccer player of all time. [Because Ronaldo's goals are only worth one point].

Professional sports should allow players to fight one fan per year to keep them in check

Every single sport should allow a player to have one time a year where they can fight a fan. It would keep fans in check. You never know if you're going to be that guy... It's like, and then once you use it, then the fans can really go in on you because it's like, oh, he's already used his this year.

Free solo climbing El Capitan is a nightmare and a terrible way to exercise

The guy that free solo climbed El Capitan, which is like 3,000 feet of just straight up and down granite. Fuck that. ... Fuck exercising for four hours nonstop.

The NBA is now Kevin Durant's league and the torch has been passed from LeBron James

Are you ready for my hot, hot, hot take from Game 1 of the NBA Finals? Hit me. The torch has been passed. It is Kevin Durant's league. Whose man's is the NBA? I said that, yeah. It's Kevin Durant's man's. Passed that off. He said, here you go, KD. It is your league now. Your league.

Matthew Dellavedova is the missing piece the Cavaliers need to stop the Warriors

I mean, clearly, Della Vadova's [Matthew Dellavedova] the missing piece. They need a defensive stopper on the team that can check somebody, and they don't have it.

The Cavaliers will win the 2017 NBA Finals in five games

I still think Cavs... Well, you know what? Cavs in five now. How about that? This is one of those things I'm not even trying to go over the top here. I don't know how you can defend the Warriors.

The Kardashian curse is responsible for Tristan Thompson's poor performance

By the way, speaking of rebounding, Tristan Thompson, four rebounds tonight. Did you also hear that Khloe Kardashian's going around saying she's pregnant with his baby? So the Kardashian curse remains undefeated.

Every player on the Pittsburgh Penguins is using steroids

The Penguins did their – I think everybody on the Penguins is using steroids. I'm going to put it out there. You know what? I think that's the only explanation. They're really good in game sevens when the other team is always super tired. I'm putting it out there. Cheaters, all of them.

I am not officially retired from the NFL yet

No, what I'm doing right now is I'm taking time and figuring out what I want to do. Because I want to be 100% sure of the decision that I make. And I'm in no rush to do that. I'm not retired. And I'm not retired right now, and I'm not saying I'm going to retire. It's just one of those things where everything is still up in the air.

I am faster than Tom Brady

[Big Cat]: Who's faster, you or Tom Brady? [Wilfork]: Me. [Big Cat]: Is it even close? [Wilfork]: No. That's easy.

Mike Vrabel is the smartest defensive player I ever played with

Vrabel's been, I mean, hands down the smartest defensive player I've ever played with. So I've always learned stuff from him, and he's very good at teaching.

Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of all time because he can relate to his players

It's a reason that he's one of the great – he is the greatest coach of all time because he can relate to his players.

Ed Reed was the most talented player on the 2001 Miami Hurricanes

[Big Cat]: 2001 Miami Hurricanes... Can you tell us who the best player on that team was being up close and personal with them? [Wilfork]: Probably Ed Reed.

Under Armour used Game 1 of the NBA Finals as a 'soft launch' for the Curry 4s to avoid a social media roasting

I also like the idea of using a game as a soft launch for something. So it's not like Under Armour tweeted out a picture and said, 'Hey, everybody, what do you think of the new shoes?' It's more of something that people got to discover for themselves.

NASA is firing a rocket into the sun to distract the public from the search for aliens

NASA's come out. They're shooting a rocket into the sun. I don't really understand what's going on... NASA's trying to keep us off the aliens. That's pretty clear because if you're sitting in NASA... Find the aliens or fire a Roman candle into the sun, which we know already is really hot.

NASA is lying about the sun probe to hide its real mission of searching for aliens

Stay woke, stay woke. They're saying it's the sun so they can be like, actually, the sun was too hot, it burnt, so no one's going to think about where that probe is. It's really in deep space going for the aliens.