Takes

The Golden State Warriors are soft 'candy-ass'

If you can put a live cam on Steph Curry and the rest of the soft candy-ass Golden State Warriors watching the finals that they should be in. That would be great.

LeVar Ball is currently the 'straw that stirs the drink' for NBA media

LeVar Ball is the straw that stirs the drink. Of NBA media right now... parents are now the content engines.

Mark Sanchez will be the 'alpha' in the Bears locker room over Mike Glennon

Sanchez is going to be the alpha in that locker room. So that's the situation... You never want to bring in a backup. That's the alpha.

Jake Arrieta's 466-foot home run was only possible because of the dry Arizona air

I don't know if you guys know how air works, but it's hot. A little dry heat. The ball carries... The ball carries in Arizona. So yeah. This is just a stupid little witch hunt that's been going on for a long time now.

Mark Cuban has become everything he used to hate

Something's been going on with [Mark] Cuban recently because he used to be woke. He was the wokest of the old owners. Now he's become everything that he used to hate. He's getting duped left and right.

Robert Griffin III acts like an eighth grader in his first relationship on Instagram

Robert Griffin [III], Bobby Griffin, is getting himself in. He's like an eighth grader in their first relationship. That's what this is like. Eventually it's going to be, okay, Robert, just chill out with the Hallmark greeting card messages.

Robert Griffin III being a 'goober' on Instagram makes Russell Wilson look better

This is actually great for Russell Wilson because anytime RG3 opens his mouth, people remember, oh, Russ Wilson isn't the biggest goober quarterback out there.

NBA players are right to sit out games if we judge them solely on championship rings

I actually want to point the finger back at the fans and media for this one. Because if there's one thing that all the fans and media do is they count rings... If these guys are sitting out because they're trying to win rings, I mean, they're literally trying to put themselves in the best position to win the thing that we judge their entire worth on.

If they took away shots over 20 feet, Steph Curry would be an average player

If they took away the 20 to 50-foot shot, then Steph Curry would probably only average like 22 points a game.

The Golden State Warriors are baby back bitches

Anytime the Warriors get discussed on this show, it gets hot. Because they're baby back bitches.

The NBA has a credentialed media problem

This puts the credentialed media squarely in the crosshairs of the NFL. In fact, I would go as far to say that the NFL has a credentialed media problem... Epidemic of their credentialed media people violating the law.

The 2016 World Series rain delay locker room meeting was the 'all false energy' moment

He [Rajai Davis] hits that home run, and you're like, okay, this is real. Like, the GOAT, Black Cat, 0-3. You're just like, what is going on? Chapman digs deep and gets us to the ninth, and then it's all false energy in the dugout. We're pushing, but it's not where we were before. We go into the weight room. We all come together. It's a little emotional in there.

Ryan Tannehill will put it all together this year, but it's hard with Tom Brady in the division

This is the year he's [Ryan Tannehill] going to put it all together. We got you around. But as long as number 12 [Tom Brady] is in that division, it's going to be really hard.

I reward myself with dessert after good games and sulk in dessert after bad games

I usually gain a little bit [of weight during the season]. I'm a stress eater. I have a major theory that has been working for me. After a good game, I reward myself with dessert. And then after a bad game, I sulk in dessert.

Robert Reed of the Chicago Tribune is the lamest guy in the world for wanting to dump office pools

We found it. We found the lamest guy in the world. He [Robert Reed] wants everyone to stop doing brackets come March because it's gambling and people can get addicted to gambling. This guy basically is like, I'm socially awkward and I don't know how to just be a person in an office.

Pregnancy and parents dying are the top two seeds in the 'Wasting Time at Work' bracket

If you were to make a bracket of things that waste time at work... number one seed is if you get pregnant. That's a huge time suck. Number two is like your parents die.

Colin Kaepernick's humanitarian aid in Somalia is actually supporting piracy

He flew like 60 tons of food to Somalia, which if you want to take it to its logical conclusion, which we always do, he is supporting piracy, right? Because some of those kids are going to grow up and become pirates.

Javi Baez is going to get a fastball in the ear hole for his showboating

I want to put one in Javi by his ear hole... and you better believe that he's going to get one in his ear hole soon. You see him he was like celebrating as he was tagging the other day... You don't go around another man's tag... Tebow's never been to—say what you want about Tim Tebow but he wouldn't showboat when he was getting to third base for the first time.

The ACC is soft

The ACC is dead... The ACC is soft. Sucks, and they're soft.

The Big Ten is back

The Big Ten is back.

Upsets in the first round usually mean bad games in the second round

Upsets in the first round usually mean bad games in the second round. We didn't have a lot of upsets in the first round. We had some pretty good games in the second round.

Coach K will retire this offseason

Coach K's 70. Coach K's going to retire. Oh, this offseason. That's the new rumor. This is the year.

Duke's loss proves you need to play like a team, not just have talent

This actually is a point for people against all the Sabermetrics nerds who say you just need the talent. If you watch Duke all year, they never really played like a team... they had obviously the highest ceiling because they had the most talent, but you've got to play like a team.

I believe everything LeVar Ball says; Lonzo Ball is awesome

I now am believing everything that LeVar Ball says because Lonzo Ball was unbelievable against Cincinnati... He is awesome. And so billion-dollar contract, shoe contract, yep, sign him up.

Lonzo Ball's shooting form will get stuffed to the rafters in the NBA

I'm liking that left ear release. It's going to get stuffed to the rafters in the NBA, but I love it. It's going to be great to watch, though. At first, when I'd watch [Lonzo Ball] shoot, I'd be like, that's like watching Jim Furyk swing a golf club. No way can this guy be good.

Wisconsin will lose in heartbreaking fashion on a buzzer-beater

Wisconsin is going to lose in heartbreaking fashion. That's going to be fun... South Carolina will probably win on a buzzer beater right in my face. I'll have front row seats.

As President, I would start a MAC spring football season on the Monday after the first round of March Madness

If I ever become president, the Monday after the first round of the tournament, we start the MAC spring football season. It's a three-day season. I don't care. Just give me something. You can't give us nonstop betting action for four days straight and then just snatch it from our little hands.

Jay Wright is a big-time choker if you take away his one ring

Jay Wright on CBS coverage... People forget if you take away that one ring, it's a big-time choker.

Michigan will win the national championship

I got them [Michigan] winning national championship. I don't know if McAfee kept it... But I got them winning national championship because of all that stuff.

Kansas is the best team left in the field besides Michigan

If I'm going to pick one team, I'm going to say what I saw today. I'll pick Kansas. I thought they were really good. I think they did. And that kid Josh Jackson, man, he's really good.

Steve Alford will be the next coach at Indiana

I think [Steve] Alford's going to be the coach, but they'll probably talk to [Marshall], probably. I would think... I figured the AD already had Alford in place because you don't fire somebody... unless you've got somebody in place.

Tom Crean shouldn't have been fired by Indiana

I feel bad for Tom. I like him. I like his family... But, you know, you put yourself in a position, man, they're going to fire you, so he'll be fine, but I didn't think he should have been fired.

Indiana will fly a plane full of money to Boston to sit down with Brad Stevens

I've always said you just fill a plane full of money and you just fly it to Boston and, you know, Brad, here you go, man. Let's figure this out together... I think, yeah, I do. I think they're going to talk to him.

Brad Underwood is a great hire for Illinois

That is a great hire, man. That dude is a ball coach. He's offense... I think he's a great hire. Absolutely great hire for Illinois.

The 'head coach in waiting' model is dead at Syracuse now that Jim Boeheim has an extension

They just announced that [Jim] Boeheim gets another year. So Mike [Hopkins] said, you know what? I'm going back home... They just announced a contract extension for Boeheim. So Mike said, hey, I'm going back out west.

Gonzaga is a team of destiny because they absorbed Northwestern's power

I do believe in teams of destiny absorbing the teams they beat and their destiny... So they took out Northwestern, which was a true team of destiny, and they absorbed all that destiny. They're double the destiny.

Bob Huggins will have a heart attack in the finals because of the desert heat

Bob Huggins is going to have a heart attack during the game or at the end of the game. Leave it all out on the court, and they're going to win... And it's in the desert, too. Way too hot for Huggie Bear.

Vanderbilt's late-game foul against Northwestern was the dumbest move since Chris Webber's timeout

Northwestern advances on the dumbest foul since Chris Webber. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Dumbest move since Chris Webber called the timeout in the national championship game. Boneheaded, just complete brain fart. What happened, I'm sure you all saw, but Vanderbilt was up one and Matthew Fisher Davis decided to foul with 10 seconds left. 45 feet past half court from Northwestern's basket and they end up losing by one. Unbelievable move.

Northwestern is the greatest tournament team in college basketball history because they are undefeated

For a limited time, [Northwestern] are undefeated in tournament history. [They are the] best tournament team ever.

I'm officially done with people laughing at Bill Murray just for being Bill Murray

I don't hate Bill Murray at all. I hate what Bill Murray has become. I was a year ahead of the curve on this. So last year when I said this, you guys were like, what's going on? Bill Murray's the best. And now I think people are starting to realize that just because Bill Murray shows up at your bar mitzvah drunk doesn't mean he's pulling off some great comedic stuff. I'm just done with people laughing at Bill Murray for being Bill Murray.

Tom Crean is a good coach, but his 'stupid face' makes it impossible to survive a bad season

I'm going to miss Tom Crean. I said it before he was getting fired. Unfortunately, what happened to Tom Crean, I don't think he's that bad of a coach. He's a pretty good recruiter. But if you have a bad season and you have a stupid fucking face, it's impossible to overcome that.

Tom Crean has actually won more Big Ten titles than Tom Izzo in the last 17 years

You've actually won more Big Ten titles than Tom Izzo has in the last 17 years. People forget, right?

Brad Stevens is definitely not going to the Indiana job

Maybe going back to Indiana. Dream job? I'm so excited for it because he's not going to go to Indiana. Anyone with a brain knows that. But it's going to get written. It's going to get some buzz.

LeVar Ball's plan is just to get a billion dollar contract for himself using his kids

He's reached the point where everything that he says is picked up by every media source possible. So he knows that no matter what comes out of his mouth it's going to be distributed nationwide and that's kind of his plan right? He wants to develop the brand he wants to have a high profile so his kids can get a billion or sorry so that he can get a billion dollar contract. And then his kids will get a little taste of that.

Tommy Lasorda is mentally sharp but his physical stature is overrated

Tommy's fine. He's upright. He's around. He's mentally very spry. Physically, he's not at the top of his game, but mentally he is... Overrated. He's sharp. You know when you get older and they have that row of 20 lines that they can go to in any situation, you can't beat them at anything? He's at that stage.

I love when hitters celebrate and flip bats, even if it's against me

Actually, I like hitter celebrating, even if it's in a way that I don't agree with. Just do it. Do your thing. I'd be okay with it.

I'm fine with having dementia in 30 years as a result of my baseball career

Yeah, you just keep it out of your head as much as you can and just know you're going to have dementia in 30 years and you're okay with it.

Malcolm Butler will be traded to the Saints for the 32nd overall pick

Pardon My Take broke some news. And the news hasn't actually happened yet. The news was that Malcolm Butler is being dealt to the Saints for the 32nd overall pick. I stand by our story. Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean that it's not going to.

Jim Harbaugh's enthusiasm for his own colonoscopy makes him a 'basic bitch'

Jim Harbaugh, who yesterday tweeted, 'attacking this day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind before my 1:30 p.m. colonoscopy.' I also like it because he's kind of a basic bitch. He has like a black and white picture of him smiling in the middle of a street in Ann Arbor. Like, 'hey, I'm about to go get my butthole fingered.'

Jim Harbaugh should not be attacking the day with enthusiasm before a colonoscopy; he needs to let his butthole relax

I'm pretty sure your doctor's orders before that procedure include do not attack this day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. Like that's a day that you just chill out for a while. Like let your butthole just kind of relax.