Takes

Former great players make better coaches because they can articulate exactly what they did on the field

Who would you rather have teach you? Someone that did it, someone that could walk in those steps, someone that could tell you every step about here's what's going to happen here... So it's being able to have a player that understood exactly what they did and took notes on what they did and becoming a coach and being able to explain to you exactly what they did.

Bear Weather is a myth and is not worth a single point

Bear weather is not worth one point... Sabermetrics. It is not worth one point... How in the world is the cold weather or anything else going to be worth any points? Americans have to stand in the same weather.

Buddy Ryan is the ultimate football guy

The ultimate football guy that I know is Buddy Ryan. He was an ultimate football guy because he knew the game. He knew what everybody was supposed to be doing. He knew why they were doing it. And he knew how to get them motivated to do it.

Matt Barkley is not a franchise quarterback

Actually, no, I think you're actually talking about Matt Barkley, not a franchise quarterback.

Bear Weather is real and dome teams struggle to play in it

I disagree with [Singletary]. Now, when you say bear weather, when I think bear weather, I think, you know, one, two, zero degrees, wind chill... January, you get a team like the Atlanta Falcons... typically a dome team... It comes out there, and you can tell in a warm-up set. The wind's coming off the lake, and it just feels good.

Sports are being ruined by nerds with spreadsheets

It's nerds that are infecting sports. They got their spreadsheets. They think that they know everything.

Marc Trestman was the worst Bears coach of all time

Mark Trestman was the worst of all time, and I'm still pissed at him. [Briggs]: I do not deny.

Magic Johnson will be a successful Lakers president as long as they win games

The Lakers magic is going to do a good job if the Lakers win basketball games... I think he's also going to do a good job if he gets good players on the Lakers.

FIFA is a dependable and trustworthy organization

FIFA? Yeah. FIFA is very clear on [shady betting]. They don't like people making money via shady means at all. Exactly. That's an organization that you can depend on.

You can get out of a DUI by claiming you have football-related concussions

I feel like now if you ever played it down to football, you can probably get away with a DUI. [Cedric Benson] said he couldn't [do his ABCs] because he played football and he had concussions.

Clay Travis will definitely use WNBA sexuality statistics to argue straight people are being persecuted

I'm guaranteeing that Clay Travis—I'm going to call my shot here. Clay Travis is going to use these statistics for a future column talking about how straight people are persecuted. Because, hey, did you hear? 98% of the WNBA is gay.

Every Super Bowl and All-Star game should be held in New Orleans

Anytime you have a big sporting event in New Orleans, you're contractually obligated to say, why don't they just have every Super Bowl and All-Star game in New Orleans?

Kyrie Irving's flat earth comments were likely a headline grab or a prank on the media

Kyrie Irving... let's just call a spade a spade, he was doing this for headlines. I can't decide if it's either a headline for the podcast... or if it was simply all the NBA players getting together and being like, 'Let's prank the media. Let's fuck with them.'

Guy Fieri is the closest thing America has to producing its own Jesus

I don't think I'm going overboard when I say it, but Guy Fieri is probably as close as Americans will get to producing our own Jesus.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are officially 'friends with benefits' after their All-Star Game alley-oop

An alley-oop is kind of like makeup sex. You connect in that one little instant, and you're like, yeah, I remember this whole relationship could be a lot of fun. I'll just say that they're friends with benefits now.

LeBron James is likely a member of the Illuminati

LeBron at this point, can we all just admit that he's probably part of the Illuminati? At least he's an ancillary part of the Illuminati with Jay-Z and all that shit.

Bill Belichick narrating a WWII documentary is a clever PR move to deflect from 'Patriots are Nazis' comparisons

It's a great way to steer people away from the New England Patriots or Nazis takes because you're like, actually, our coach is narrating a documentary about killing Nazis.

Day parties are officially back

My who's back of the week is day parties. Huge weekend. 60 degrees out of nowhere in February. So basically, usually college kids will go through the winter depression, and then there was that one nice weekend that kicks off the rest of the spring semester.

Tiger Woods will never win another major

Tiger's never coming back... I would love to see him win a major, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Peyton Manning's success with multiple coaches gives him a valid argument over Tom Brady

Brady has had the luxury of being with, and I think this is not debatable, the greatest coach in the history of football... I know what Peyton Manning is away from the Colts or Tony Dungy. He's been to a Super Bowl with four different head coaches. He's won a Super Bowl with two different head coaches.

Flacco had the greatest playoff run I've ever seen on the way to Super Bowl 47, and his hair is elite

His hair is elite. Not as elite as yours, but his hair is elite. [Joe Flacco] had the greatest run I've ever seen on the way to Super Bowl 47.

Wins and losses should not be considered a quarterback stat

I don't think wins and losses are a quarterback stat. I don't believe in that... Teams win games. Teams win championships. It's not Tom [Brady]. It's not Malcolm [Butler]. The Patriots won that game.

Super Bowl 51 will be the highest-scoring Super Bowl in history

I think the team with the ball last wins. That's what it's going to be. Highest scoring Super Bowl in history. Mark it down. Breaking news.

The Dunk Contest is boring because there are a finite amount of body positions possible

It's not like the dunks aren't super impressive. It's just that we've seen every dunk. It's like watching porn. There's a finite amount of body positions that the human form can get into. Eventually, you just get bored with it.

Carmelo Anthony's legacy is choosing the most money over winning championships

Thoughts and prayers to the man [Carmelo Anthony] who has taken every single dollar at every turn in his career instead of maybe trying to win a championship... He took the most amount of money to stay in the dumpster fire that is New York. That's kind of your situation, Melo.

Carmelo Anthony will likely stay in New York because no other team wants him

Do you think that Melo is going to be staying put in New York for the rest of the season, or do you think he's moving? [Big Cat]: I think he's probably staying put because no one wants him on his team, unless they're trying to win an All-Star game or an Olympic.

Tony Romo will be the quarterback for the Houston Texans next season

I'm going to say right now I think [Tony Romo] is going to the Texans.

Tony Romo will join the Denver Broncos

I'm going to go with the Broncos.

Tony Romo will sign with the Los Angeles Rams

I think he's going to the Los Angeles Rams. Sleeper.

Bryce Harper doesn't have the balls to turn down the Yankees for the Red Sox

Me and Hank had a little conversation about Bryce Harper... and we're hearing rumors... that he might be going to the Red Sox. [Hank]: There's no chance. That'd be awesome. But he doesn't have the balls to do that to the Yankees. He can't turn down that money to come to the Red Sox.

Mark Cuban would be a disaster as President of the United States

I think [Mark Cuban] is just doing 46 because he wants to be the 46th president... He would be a disaster.

Greg Maddux could still be an effective middle reliever in Major League Baseball

My dad said that Greg Maddux could definitely still be a middle reliever for a team in 2017. I believe it. Yeah.

Baseball players' stupidity has become a charming part of the sport

I love how baseball players, it's become charming how stupid they are. I mean, it's just really, they're just a bunch of stupid people and everyone says, 'Oh, isn't this so funny?'

Mets spring training is essentially just a timeline update on Tommy John surgeries

It's also a.k.a. just Mets spring training. That's just basically all of Mets spring training is, oh, hey, all of our pitchers are somewhere in the timeline of Tommy John, so let's just update everyone on that.

Teams that have spring training arguments over who their closer is will lose 90 to 100 games

I have also written down the 'who's the closer' argument. Those are teams that don't have a closer and they're trying a bunch of people out. Those teams usually will lose somewhere between 90 and 100 games.

Jesse Owens should have killed Adolf Hitler at the 1936 Olympics

My Adele do-over is I think that Jesse Owens should have killed Hitler at the 1936 Olympics. Big Jimbo on his part, not taking out the hit stick. We say that Jesse Owens is like one of the greatest Americans, but in reality, he has the deaths of millions on his hands.

The Soviet Union would have won the Cold War if they had beaten the US in the 1980 'Miracle on Ice' hockey game

I have two. One is a historical one with the Russians, which they had to do over in 1980. They would have won the Cold War if they won that hockey game. People forget that that was not the gold medal game, though. That was the semifinals.

Kobe Bryant failed in his attempt to copy Michael Jordan's entire career

Do you ever sit back and you are like, damn, Kobe Bryant tried to copy everything Michael Jordan did and he totally failed?

Magic Johnson is the greatest basketball player and the number one Laker of all time

Magic Johnson. Without a doubt. He's the number one basketball... him and Larry Bird, they are the NBA. Magic and Bird put NBA in prime time.

The NFL should build stadiums for teams so they don't have to move

They should stay. The NFL should build them a stadium. I mean, damn, the NFL making all this money, man. Build your teams a stadium so they don't have to move. Try that. They're making billions and they want taxpayers to pay for it.

The Chargers and Clippers are garbage and Los Angeles doesn't want them

San Diego, keep your teams, man. Keep your garbage. First you sent us the Clippers. Now we got the Chargers. You know what I mean? It sucks, man. Who want them?

Customer service lines intentionally disconnect you when transferring to customer relations

Then when you start to talk about why you're calling, you know what happens? They'll say, oh, we're in the sales department. We're going to transfer you over to Customer relations, and then what do you think happens? You get disconnected. I've lived through this.

Autoplay videos are good because they remind you to close old browser tabs

I keep tabs open, about eight tabs at a time, and most of the tabs are open for about six hours. If you have an autoplay video that starts after three hours of me being on that website—it reminds me to close out the tab.

Donald Trump not filling out a March Madness bracket is the most treasonous thing a person could do

Trump has said that he's not filling out a bracket for March Madness. Not filling out a bracket is probably the most treasonous thing you could do. I agree. I think that this could be what flips some Republicans.

Jamarcus Russell is due for a fake training video 'comeback' soon

I'm going to do a little prediction. I feel like we're due for a Jamarcus Russell comeback soon, too. Jamarcus Russell comebacks are just him making a YouTube video of doing crunches on one of those balls in the gym. Jamarcus Russell actually, he's jumping into the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of the winter and then he comes out and his skin's all tight because it's cold water. He's like, comeback, comeback season.

UConn's women's basketball team wins so much because they sync up their periods and bond

I actually think that if this game were being played 300 years ago, they would be accused of being witches... Nobody has ever won 100 games until these women, but I think it's because men's teams don't have periods that they can sync up. Same wavelength. That's why women are able to become better teammates than men because the entire team gets on their [period]. They get to basically do trust falls six or seven times a season when they're all on their periods together. It's a bonding experience.

LeBron James is a coward for not participating in the NBA Dunk Contest

LeBron James that's not in the dunk contest again. Kind of a coward move. Michael Jordan was in the dunk contest. Back in the day, you had your best athletes in it. Vince Carter. You had your Vinces, your J.R. Smiths. You had everybody.

Luke Walton was a better coach for the Golden State Warriors than Steve Kerr

I would actually say [the Warriors are] Luke Walton's team. People forget he was their coach in the first half last year. They were a lot better then.

The Houston Rockets got 100 times better simply by letting Dwight Howard leave

I went Dwight Howard. Like, he just left, and [the Rockets] got 100 times better. Addition by subtraction. I love it.

Austin Rivers is the guy whose 'mans' it is for the Clippers because of his dad

Austin Rivers. His dad is the coach and the GM. That's a good call. Austin Rivers, no one likes the coach's son.