Takes

Tell your employer you have narcolepsy on your first day so you can nap at work

A little tip for all you guys entering the workforce out there, and girls. Say on your first day that you have narcolepsy... and that you need, if you ever get caught napping, it's just a medical condition.

You are 'city rich' when you travel from New York or Chicago to Milwaukee

When you go to Milwaukee, you're city rich. You go from New York or Chicago to Milwaukee, tip people $20, pay for their mortgage. Opens a lot of doors.

Lacrosse will be a top-tier major sport within 10 to 15 years

Cool throne lacrosse. I might have been in two. I've been a little early. I said there's 30 years. It's looking more like 10 to 15... I mean, it's like the hottest thing. It's like number one thing on SportsCenter.

I hate that the NCAA is releasing top 16 seeds in mid-February

They are now going to try to drum up a little more intrigue to the NCAA tournament. So they're going to release the top 16 seeds starting mid-February... I hate that. Takes a little bit out of it. One of the great things about that tournament was I didn't have to spend any time thinking about it until that Sunday night.

Barron Trump is officially off-limits for comedy

Cool throne, Barron Trump officially off limits. Can't make fun of Barron Trump. Kids are off limits. No Barron Trump jokes. He's going to be—And the nice thing is, now that no one can make jokes about him, He's going to be a well-adjusted, normal adult. I think it's great.

Every professional swimmer pees in the pool

[Connor Dwyer] said he's peed in every pool he's been in. Are you the same? Oh, by all means... the good thing about us swimmers is we have the biggest toilet in the world.

Michael Phelps will come out of retirement to swim in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics

Michael Phelps, Tokyo. He's swimming, right? Yes. Oh, there we go. You know what? I've said this before in 2012. I said he announced his retirement. He wasn't going to come back. And I was like, you're going to come back. Come on. And guess what he did? He came back. Same thing. He's going to do it.

Ben Roethlisberger is not actually retiring; he just enjoys the attention

Big Ben's not retiring. Come on... A little pre-prediction, though. Big Ben has now reached the point of his career where he's just going to Brett Favre for this every year. Like he'll end up playing for some weird. Big Ben's destiny is to like play one weird season for the Jaguars.

DeSean Jackson should sue the Instagram model who insulted him to prove a point

DeSean, the only way you can get people to stop talking about your allegedly micropenis is to take her to court, put it in the papers, make sure that everyone knows that if anyone says DeSean Jackson's got a tiny hog, Guess what? He's going to come after you. That's the easiest way to make people shut up.

White cleats scientifically make you faster

Scientifically, white cleats do make you faster. That's actually just science. You just look a lot faster. You feel a lot faster. Look good, play good.

The Patriots will win Super Bowl 51 and cover the three-point spread

I'm taking the Patriots minus the three points in the big game. ... Patriots 36, [Falcons] 17.

The Patriots are a better team without Rob Gronkowski

The Patriots being a better team without Gronk. Someone's going to write that.

Matt Ryan is an elite quarterback

We're going to get Is Matt Ryan Elite. Ooh, yes. It's already started a little bit. We called it a couple weeks ago. That's going to be a huge one.

Donald Trump will legalize sports gambling to improve his approval ratings

I could see Trump legalizing sports gambling. I could, too. He's a casino guy... He could flip that approval rating up to, like, the 60s if he just said, okay, we're going to be sports gaming.

I am officially a Donald Trump guy if he legalizes sports gambling

I'm immediately a Trump guy if [Trump] does that [legalizes sports gambling].

The NFL is trying to eliminate kickoffs by moving them up to the 30-yard line

Do you feel in the back of your mind that the NFL one day is going to just eliminate kickoffs entirely? Are you worried about that at all? ... They trying to right now. That's why they took it out of the Pro Bowl. So they're trying to get it out. That's why they moved the kick up to the 30 because kickers can kick. So they want them kicking out the end zone every time.

I love Applebee's way more than Chili's

I love Applebee's. Way more than Chili's. ... I'm just so stuck on Applebee's for some reason.

The NFL is in cahoots with the Green Bay Packers and Dallas Cowboys

Because everybody loves Green Bay. Everybody wants to see Green Bay on top. ... Oh, so conspiracy. The league. The league has a conspiracy. ... Headline grab. ... Green Bay is in cahoots with the league. Yeah. They like the... Done. It was Dallas, you know.

I would love to play running back

I would love to play running back. Whoa, that's another headline grab. I think any receiver in my position would love to play running back. Because people always say he's just a running back when he gets the ball in his hand.

The Packers are essentially ISIS for Jordy Nelson wearing a Kevlar vest

This is a respect to biz for Jordy Nelson to start respecting the military more. It's stolen valor for him to be wearing body armor without actually getting shot at during the game. ... Basically the Packers are ISIS.

Jimmy Butler is a top ten player in the NBA

How many players play on a basketball team? Five. And how many teams play at the same time? Two. Okay, so that's what? Ten. Okay, so the NBA All-Star Game rosters came out. Jimmy Butler was named a starter... that would make him a top ten player.

The Steelers are like Michigan football because they count championships won before the Super Bowl era

That's a classic Steelers move to count the championships that you won before the Super Bowl was a thing. I'm saying that's a classic thing to reach back. Well, in 1920, we won the big contest. We call that Michigan football.

Michigan football counts national championships they won before black people were allowed to play

Michigan football counts all the national championships they won before they let black people play.

The Patriots are a better team specifically because of Dion Lewis

Actually, the real reason is Dion Lewis. They are 14-0 when [Lewis] plays. [Brady's] a system quarterback, in other words.

You would be insane to bet the under on the 60.5 total for the Packers-Falcons game

The story of this game, though, over-under is 61.5 now? 60.5. And you would be insane if you bet the under. I do think the over is going to be the play here. There's nothing better than watching a game, having the over, and having it be a points bukkake.

Matt Ryan is the new Joe Flacco and is entering 'clutch gene' territory

Matt Ryan is going to be the new Joe Flacco. Right now, the story on Matt Ryan is he doesn't have the clutch gene. If he wins this game, he might have the clutch gene. He's getting into the clutch gene territory.

The Steelers will cover the +5.5 spread and the Falcons will beat the Packers to advance to the Super Bowl

I'm taking the Steelers and the Falcons. I like the [Steelers] five and a half. I think that's enough. I think this game is going to come down to last possession type of game.

John Calipari will leave Kentucky to coach the Lakers and reunite Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook

John Calipari to the Lakers, and then he's going to get those two [Durant and Westbrook] together. John Calipari is like a better version of Billy Donovan anyways.

LeBron James will play in the NBA until his son Bronny enters the league

LeBron is going to keep playing until LeBron Jr.'s in the NBA... LeBron can be like, I always wanted to play in a game against my son, and they're going to do that whole fucking sappy-ass shit... and then we're going to be like, shit, we have another LeBron for another 20 years?

The Packers-Falcons NFC Championship game will be a 38-35 high-scoring affair

It's a historic over-under for any conference championship or a Super Bowl, and I still think it's too low. I tend to think this is going to be like 38-35 type game.

Aaron Rodgers will fake an injury if the Packers are losing big in the second half

Yeah, probably sometime around the third quarter, if they're losing by more than two touchdowns, there will be a sudden ailment to his elbow. He'll go in the tent... and Joe Buck will go on for like five minutes about the importance of stretching.

The Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history

Is there any doubt that the Pittsburgh Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history? I don't think Belichick and Brady... they're not going to stack up with the Pittsburgh Steelers in terms of the affection that our football nation has for the black and gold.

Adrian Peterson is currently better than Le'Veon Bell

[Le'Veon Bell] is the best running back in the NFL? I think Adrian Peterson is still better than he is.

Robert Kraft likes Donald Trump because Trump claimed he could get Kraft's Super Bowl ring back from Vladimir Putin

Do you think that Robert Kraft is a Trump fan because Trump said that he could get a Super Bowl ring back from Putin for him? He likes Trump so that Trump can get his jewelry back.

I would rather have two more years of Tom Brady than five years of Jimmy Garoppolo and two first-round picks

[I'd take] Brady. I think we're going to have both, but Brady in that situation. [Even over Garoppolo for five years and two first round picks].

The Patriots will select Christian McCaffrey with the 32nd pick in the NFL Draft

Christian McCaffrey, number 32 to the Patriots. Wow. Uhhh ya think? Him and Woodhead in the backfield together? Split backs. Bring back the old split back formation.

Skip Bayless is correct that Aaron Rodgers is lucky and Dak Prescott outplayed him

I still can't believe Mason Crosby barely made those sorry-looking field goals and saved Aaron Rodgers from Dak Prescott. Skip is my lord and savior right now with the Aaron Rodgers hate. The way he spun that, Dak Prescott outplayed Aaron Rodgers.

Skip Bayless will eventually have a stroke and the only words he will be able to say are 'Aaron Rodgers is lucky'

Skip is going to wake up. He's going to have a stroke one day. And he's going to wake up and the only words he can say are going to be, 'Aaron Rodgers is lucky' and 'that field goal actually didn't go in.'

Chris Christie's 'double spin zone' regarding his failed Trump job search is a masterclass in handling embarrassment

Chris Christie, double spin zone. I'm on his side. That's how you – when you get embarrassed like Chris Christie gets embarrassed, you need to layer your spin zone.

Bill Belichick intentionally messes up social media app names to mess with the media

This is the second time that Belichick has intentionally messed up two apps. I think that Belichick knows a lot more about social media than he's letting on... Belichick pretends to not know what Facebook is... he's just absolutely fucking with the media and just putting on this show like, oh, I don't know what any of this is. And meanwhile, he goes out behind the curtain. He's got five cell phones and he immediately checks all his players' accounts.

Aaron Rodgers is trying to 'cuck' Brett Favre's legacy

Uncoachable. He's now trying to cuck Brett Favre's legacy like a kid just running around back there. Brett Favre was the ultimate draw something up in the dirt. It's like the last thing that Brett Favre has. He was an old school gunslinger. Just go out there and I'll hit you. And now Aaron Rodgers is taking that from him.

LeBron James pretends he doesn't care about the Warriors, but he cares deeply

LeBron said, no, we're not rivals. He basically just said, I don't want to talk about that. I don't care about the Warriors. They can do their thing. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure LeBron made them put up a big poster right outside their locker room when they went to Cleveland earlier in the year, like the block and all that stuff. So classic LeBron. He's just pretending like he doesn't care, even though he cares deeply.

Carmelo Anthony's destiny is to be carried to a title by LeBron James

Melo's destiny is to have LeBron carry him to a title. That really is his destiny.

LeBron James knows he is a physical specimen but still flops to manipulate the game

It's so funny when LeBron has one of those flop moments, and it's almost like he thinks that we don't realize that he's 6'8 and 260 pounds of pure muscle. And this guy's like flopping. Draymond Green's smaller than him. And they collide. And LeBron basically can bulldoze over anyone in the NBA whenever he wants. But at this point, he's dead. And then he pops back up and he's okay.

Joel Embiid needs to earn his 'umlaut' like Yankee stripes

You earn your umlaut, Joel. Your Yankee stripes. That's right. So, here's a little tip, buddy. So you kind of dug yourself in a hole with this one. Maybe bury the hatchet. Go on [Mia Khalifa's] Amazon wish list and buy her... get her that Sibian she's been looking for.

I am pardoning the banning of the word 'dude' and bringing it back to the show

I am pardoning the banning of the word dude. So we're bringing back dude. Mr. Portnoy, you're out with saying we can't use dude anymore. Dude is back. It has officially been pardoned. Welcome back, dudes. It's back in a huge way.

Pete Carroll is a cheater for lying on injury reports

My hot seat is Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Cheahawks. Got caught cheating... by lying about his injury report saying Richard Sherman, he had an injury the whole season, and he basically lied on the injury report every single week... his crime was lying and cheating.

The Steelers must start fast and take the Foxborough crowd out of the game to beat the Patriots

For one, it's going to be tough. It's one of the toughest environments I had a chance of playing throughout my career... they need to jump out fast. I mean, the first quarter or two, take the win out of the crowd. Once that happens, now they're on the playing field.

I am officially unretired and would return to the NFL if a contender offered $10 million

If I had a good opportunity I want to play I want to play with a team that I have an opportunity to go win a championship because that's the only part of my career that is missing you know I'm missing the ring so if I had an opportunity to get a ring of course I go back in a second.

Toronto does not support the Bills like Buffalo does and is a boring environment

It felt like we were playing somewhere in Europe or somewhere in a foreign country. They didn't really support the team. I never saw a stadium so dead and so boring when a team played in Toronto. They just didn't support the Bills like they did when they played in Buffalo.