Takes

The Zika virus is an official threat to the Rio Olympics because of sexual transmission

If you can't get your dick sucked or eat some vagina, there's no point in going to Rio. So Zika is now an official threat to the Olympics. If you're an Olympic athlete and you can't fucking suck your way through Rio, what's the point in going?

The X Games have lost their fastball because they cancel events for rain

The X Games has lost their fastball... they canceled all the events yesterday because of rain, and these are the X Games, right? Why are you canceling events because of rain? If anything, it should be the Surge commercial where everybody is running up the hill.

The Crying Jordan meme has become 'problematic' because it mocks masculine vulnerability

Turns out there's an element of flawed masculinity at play. You have a masculine star who expresses vulnerability, and people simultaneously mock and celebrate that. So you think you're having some harmless fun on the Internet? Turns out you're a sexist, and you're basically saying guys can't cry.

LeBron James will have to move cities or fire his team if the Cavs lose the Finals

It looks like LeBron [James] is going to either have to move cities again or fire his whole team.

LeBron James would be a better player if he had gone to college

I think maybe if LeBron James had gone to college, he would be a better player. What do you learn in college? You learn how to make new friends and how to trust other people. LeBron has some trouble with that.

LeBron James peaked in high school

I'll be the first to say it. LeBron James peaked in high school. There it is. Boom.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are the big losers of the Warriors' Game 1 win

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are the big losers of tonight. When it really comes down to it, when you basically had this Warriors team beat and now you're watching this game and you see that the Cavs don't have answers for the Warriors... they're chokers and big time losers again.

The proper way to dick punch is using the back of the hand for a whipping motion

Just a little coaching pointer for Dellavedova. Use the back of the hand. And then that way you get your elbow and your wrist in a whipping motion as opposed to just like the straight up the open face, the open handed slap.

We need to stop talking about Shaun Livingston's knee injury because it was a decade ago

At what point can we just move on from the Shaun Livingston knee issue? It's been, I don't know, six, seven years. He's been totally fine for a really long time... I just want people to stop with Sean Livingston's stuff. He had a knee injury 10 years ago. Knees grow back by then.

If you don't watch a graphic sports injury after a warning, you are the biggest pussy alive

When someone says don't watch because it's too graphic, if you then don't watch, you're the biggest pussy alive... That's just basically saying this is going to be so gross you're going to want to puke, but you have to watch it.

The 1996 Bulls are the best team of all time because they hold the record for combined regular and postseason wins

If you add up the regular season and the postseason record, the Bulls already have the title for best team of all time. This chicken is fucked. Put to bed. Tucked in.

NHL superstars like Sidney Crosby get better treatment from refs and can bully linesmen into letting them cheat on face-offs

Typically superstars do get a better treatment just because they can bully linesmen a lot more than say no namers... Whereas if Joe Thornton's like, 'Hey, drop the fucking puck when I want it,' he'll be like... 'Hey Michael [Jordan], I didn't see it, but I'm going to call it now.' It's very similar to that.

I would beat Conor McGregor in a fight if we were both wearing hockey skates

If it was you and Conor McGregor fighting... but you're both wearing hockey skates, who wins? Well man, he's got pretty good balance. I would put my money on myself just because I'm a lot bigger than him.

The 'glowing puck' ruined the NHL and likely caused the 2004-05 lockout

The glowing puck, did they get rid of that because it was easier to play defense? I think they took the non-hockey followers word too seriously and kind of ruined the game. I really think that's probably why the lockout happened.

The Blackhawks' championship window is still open because their management is elite at filling core pieces

No, their GMs and staff are just so good. And they're like one team that has truly, they've picked out their main core. They know what it is. And they just do a great job of filling in the pieces and finding ways.

The Canadian dollar is the only thing that can stop the Blackhawks because it drags down the salary cap

The only thing that can stop the Blackhawks is your stupid fucking Canadian dollar... when you have Toews and Kane both making like 10 and a half a year and the cap keeps going down because Canada can't get their shit together, it makes me a little upset.

It is easier for the US to win an Olympic gold medal than for a Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup

I would probably say it's easier to win an Olympic gold medal in hockey than it would be to win a Stanley Cup just based on how hard it is... if you have a good two weeks at the Olympics and all your lines are clicking, you get a gold. So I would say U.S. winning gold.

Dick Vitale should start a second career as a porn critic

Maybe if he [Dick Vitale] just became a full-on porn guy, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. If he woke up in the morning and was like, 'here are my top five favorite porn picks for the day.' Wouldn't you just be like, that kind of fits for Dick Vitale?

The best way to handle a PR disaster is to claim it was satire and that people are too dumb to get it

Another thing you can do now here's, I've learned this from experience. If you say something that's just extremely offensive and rubs people the wrong way, it's satire. Dick Vitale could have said the fuck you thing was satire. And you guys all don't get it. You're all dumb.

Bullying the horse Nyquist off Twitter is a more impressive achievement than winning the Kentucky Derby

Nyquist the horse is a flash in the pan... No one's going to remember Nyquist the horse. Except for the fact that it got bullied off Twitter. That's actually more impressive than the Kentucky Derby. How many Kentucky Derby winners have there been? Like 120? How many horses have been bullied off Twitter?

The horse Nyquist has AIDS

The horse has AIDS. Right. The first thing I did was... Fuck the horse. Both on Twitter and in real life.

Harambe the gorilla committed suicide by zookeeper to escape living in Cincinnati

Did Harambe like plan this whole thing out? When the kid fell in, do you think Harambe was like, this is my chance to finally get out of this fucking place... Like suicide by zookeeper is pretty much what I'm getting at here.

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.

Seeing a hot nude of your ex on your phone actually makes you more attractive to your current girlfriend

I would say that this is actually a good move for the guy because... she's jealous because you've got a hot nude of your ex on there. And so now she's like, there's something about this guy that makes chicks want to send him nudes. And so like in her mind, now you're like, you're one notch up now.

I hope Nyquist the horse dies because his Twitter account is run by a nerd

I now am fascinated with Nyquist the horse... I hope Nyquist dies. I'll say it. Biggest piece of shit horse. And you know what, Nyquist? That's your horse owner's fault for running a shitty Twitter account. I wouldn't have wished death on you if you just had a semi-normal person running her Twitter account.

Gorillas are more valuable than humans because they are the patriarch of human invention

Technically humans, all those things that are invented by humans, humans are invented by gorillas, right? Like evolution. So wouldn't you say that gorillas are more valuable than humans? They're the patriarch of all those things. They're basically God.

Nick Saban will shiv and gut Jim Harbaugh to win football games

I have a feeling Jim Harbaugh thinks that this is like a fight that can just be played out on the field. And then next thing you know, Nick Saban's going to shiv him in to the side and gut him to death. But literally. Nick Saban will stab a man if it means winning more football games.

Riley Curry has to go

One thing I will say, I do agree with Big Cat, that Riley Curry, she's got to go. I'm done with Riley Curry.

Draymond Green's dirty play and antics are deliberately on purpose and I appreciate it

I, for one, appreciate a dirty player... game recognizes game. That dick kick was totally on purpose. All the antics are on purpose. And I have no problem with it. I think there should be more of that.

The Knicks will never win as long as James Dolan is the owner

As long as James Dolan is the owner of the Knicks, the Knicks aren't winning shit. And you know that. I know that. Spike Lee knows that. Marv Albert and his whips and his gag balls know that. Y'all know it, okay?

LeBron James will never surpass Michael Jordan because he has lost in the Finals

I think his – the fact that he lost titles, he's already not going to surpass Jordan, because he never lost. He never lost a title.

The Knicks should sign Joakim Noah because he still has more in the tank

I feel like there's more in the tank for [Joakim Noah]. I feel like he's been injured and I just feel like he's such a team dude and a character dude and the energy... if he came to New York that would be big for New York.

Warriors in 7 over the Cavaliers

Warriors in 7. In a heartbreaker in Oracle Arena. It's going to be a heartbreaker.

Cavaliers in 7 over the Warriors

I unfortunately have the Cavs in 7. I think the Cavs are going to win.

LeBron James is held back by a tiny percentage of people-pleasing that Jordan and Kobe didn't have

I think that he's a people pleaser. And I think that's the difference between him, when we talk about Jordan, him and Jordan, and him and Kobe... Kobe and Jordan, of course, he wasn't no people pleaser. He didn't give a fuck... I just think there's like a little tiny percentage of people pleasing that's in [LeBron] that has screwed him up.

Kevin Durant will leave the OKC Thunder

I'm finished with him. I think that Durant's going to leave, and I hope that he does, and he's going to go to the Wizards or the Celtics or the Clippers or the Lakers or the Spurs or the Rockets.

Russell Westbrook will win scoring titles but only lead the Thunder to the 8th seed without Kevin Durant

I want Westbrook to shine. I want Westbrook to shoot like 60 shots a game... I think it's time for Westbrook to just be the superstar he is and score average like 40 points a game and barely get the Thunder into the playoffs like the eighth seed.

The giant alligator on the Florida golf course is fake

I think this is a Kimmel stunt or it's a viral thing for the owners of the golf course. There's no way that thing's real. The alligator was like – its back was about four and a half feet off the ground and it walked like it was two human beings... I think they're trying to play a next level one on us. And 99% sure that alligator is definitely fake.

If a team does a hidden ball trick in Little League, you should head hunt the next batter

Hidden ball tricks is fucking bullshit. Especially in Little League... I think you need to put the ball in an ear hole if the other team tries to do the hidden ball trick in a Little League game.

Wins are like eggs inside of a woman; once you use too many of them, they're gone

I always like to say that wins are like eggs inside of a woman. And once you use too many of them, they're gone and you can't get fertility treatments. Like push-ups, ovums, that type of thing.

The series loss to the Warriors will haunt Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook for the rest of their lives

It was an unbelievable series. That's a series that will haunt Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook for the rest of their lives. They were up in game six at home, ready to bury the Warriors. And they choked down the stretch.

Kevin Durant is the Dan Marino of the NBA

Is it fair to say that Kevin Durant is potentially like the Dan Marino of the NBA? You got to start having that conversation, though. Like, is he the best player that will never win a championship?

Chris Humphries will never win an NBA title

If Chris Humphries is ever going to win a national championship, I don't think that he'll win a title. Curse. Curse. Sorry, Chris. You're on the list.

Dan Marino would have killed a small child to win a Super Bowl

But if Dan Marino—if you had said to him during his career, 'Hey, Dan, you can win a Super Bowl, but you got to kill a small child, no one will find out.' You think he does it?

Draymond Green is now a dirty player on the same level as Dwyane Wade

Draymond Green, he is very, very hateable now. He's now like a Dwyane Wade dirty guy where he just has all these accidents and the accidents always end up hurting someone else.

If Draymond Green was a white guy named Raymond Green, he would be more loved

What if Draymond Green was Raymond Green and he was a white guy? He might be more hated, but he also might get away with—he might also be more loved by a large collection of the audience there... if you're a white guy, you can get away with being dirty a little bit better because you just naturally look uncoordinated when you fall down... so people believe you when you're just like flopping down. So if Draymond were white, I actually think he would be more loved overall.

A team's enforcer should be an unskilled player off the bench, not a star like Draymond Green

I like my tough guys and my clowns and my bozos to be totally unskilled, and you just throw them in to rough people up. [Draymond Green] is too skilled for that. You need that guy, but it needs to be a guy off the bench who comes in and does that shit. Not a guy who's arguably your third most important player.

If you are 46 years old, you shouldn't have a Twitter account

If you're 46, you shouldn't even have a Twitter account. That's number one. Number two is now you're saying that a 27-year-old [Steph Curry] is your hero.

The Cavaliers will not lose another home game as long as I leave my wallet in the arena

The Cleveland Cavaliers have not lost a game since I left my wallet in the Q... My wallet's going to be in there until the end of the finals and then I'll get it back because I think my wallet has actually helped the Cavs. So if I keep the wallet there, the Cavs aren't going to lose a home game.

Buffalo is the number one city in the Grit Power Rankings

I'm ranking Buffalo number one as well. Simply because of the people, they are the best. There's no one better. They were welcoming. They came to up to the bus. They were awesome.