Takes

People should be fired for being bad at Twitter

I hope that this happens more in the future. Just people get fired because they suck at Twitter, not because they say anything offensive or because they break a law or anything, just because they suck at the platform.

The Ducks will play the Capitals in the 2018 Stanley Cup Final and Ovechkin will be on the Ducks

I've got the Ducks and the Capitals. Ducks and Caps. And Ovechkin's not on the team anymore, by the way. Ovechkin's on the Ducks.

The Oilers will face the Panthers in the 2018 Stanley Cup Final because they'll hoard more first-round picks

I got the Oilers because they probably have – they're going to somehow figure out a way to get like six more first-round picks between now and 2018. And the Florida Panthers.

The 2016 Pittsburgh Penguins are the softest and worst team to ever win a Stanley Cup

Congrats to Pittsburgh, right? They are probably the softest team to ever win a Stanley Cup... I think that this Pittsburgh Penguin team is probably the worst team to ever win a Stanley Cup. And we don't even know if they won it. That's how bad they are, that we have no confidence that they're going to win.

The Stanley Cup is the greatest trophy in sports and every trophy should be drinkable

Every time the Stanley Cup champion is crowned, it reminds me that it is the greatest trophy in all of sports, and it's not even close. Every single trophy you should be able to drink out of.

Phil Kessel will celebrate a Stanley Cup win by eating whatever he wants all summer, possibly filling the Cup with queso or hot dog water

Phil Kessel, though, you think he eats now. If he's a Stanley Cup champion, you can eat whatever you want for the rest of the summer... I wouldn't be shocked if that was a story that came out in a couple months or, like I said, just some hot dogs. Like some good old hot dog water and some boiled hot dogs.

Steph Curry is playing poorly because he is addicted to opioids

I think that Steph Curry, he got hurt and he got put on some pain medicine... Now he's off the pain medicine. He's off the Vicodin and he's addicted to opioids now. And so like he can't – He's got like a vicious hangover. He can't find a stroke because his arms are shaking.

The Cavaliers will lose the 2016 NBA Finals in six games

The series hasn't started yet... real talk... they're going to lose in six.

The NBA will give the Cavs the 'David Stern treatment' with favorable officiating in Game 4

I think they're going to win game four. And I think we're going to get another David Stern treatment where they'll get some calls. And game five and six, the Warriors will punish them.

Professional athletes should never smile after a loss; they should be as angry as the fans

I don't like my sports guys. I don't like them smiling after a loss. They need to be just as mad as I am. They need to kick some things. They need to maybe get too drunk, throw things at the camera... They can't smile after a loss.

I want to see more professional athletes call into sports talk radio as anonymous fans to trash their own coaches

I would love to see more players call into Sports Talk Radio like as a fan and just be like, this coach sucks. He's a bum. Get him out of town.

Magic Johnson's analysis is just stating the obvious: If Steph Curry and Klay Thompson don't play well, the Warriors won't win

If Steph and Klay don't have big games in game four, there's no way they can win in Cleveland, and the series will go back to Golden State tied 2-2. That would be our good friend Magic. He is saying that the two best players on the Warriors need to play well for them to win a game in the finals.

If you do a bit better than the person who invented it, it becomes yours legally

I feel like if you do something a lot better than somebody else, then it becomes yours... On the internet, we call that a hat tip. So as long as you give somebody a hat tip, then you can steal all their shit and it's totally above board.

Concussions in youth sports are a significantly more serious national issue than horse deaths in racing

In terms of significance, I think concussions have to be first because you're talking about... the health of young people, humans... progressive brain diseases etc etc. I think that's got to be at the top of the list... let's put the horses next because it is a serious deal.

The 1.5-mile distance makes the Belmont Stakes an unpredictable crapshoot because American horses aren't bred for it anymore

the Belmont is also much more unpredictable than the Derby or the Preakness... horses in America are no longer bred to excel at a mile and a half... performers in the Belmont over the last maybe 10, 12 years have just fallen off the cliff. It really becomes almost a crapshoot.

Destin is a better play to win the Belmont Stakes than Exaggerator

Destin, who ran in the Kentucky Derby, didn't have the best of trips... Todd Pletcher trains him. Now he gives him five weeks off, and he brings him back to the Belmont fresh. And I think that makes a horse like Destin a much better play than a horse like Exaggerator.

Cam Newton's next celebration should involve converting to Islam and refusing to stand for the anthem

Cam X, Cameron X, converted to Islam, doesn't stand for the national anthem. His touchdown dances to pray, and then he hands the ball to a black kid. I mean, there we go.

Maria Sharapova being caught for PEDs proves Serena Williams is using them too

My witch hunt is actually going to be, I think that this proves without a doubt that Serena Williams has been using PEDs. Because Sharapova is 2-19 against Serena Williams while Sharapova was taking PED.

Trent Richardson is definitely taking steroids if he thinks he is a Hall of Famer

Pre-crime. Trent Richardson is going to be using steroids. I'd say it's a fair assumption. He obviously has not taken any performance-enhancing drugs... but he hasn't been taking PEDs [yet].

Olympians should be banned from masturbating for months before the games to store up testosterone for their country

if I was his coach, I would consider cutting him because... right now, if you're an Olympian, you should not be masturbating. Now is the time where you need to be storing up these reserves of testosterone for the next like five months. You're competing for your country here, OK? The American flag is not a jizz rag.

There is a million-dollar business opportunity in a 'Special Last Day' service where humans are pampered and groomed right before they die

so basically you're saying when your dog passes away and you give it a steak and have one last day, you're basically saying do that for humans... I think that we just created a million-dollar business idea... Your special last day. No one likes to deal with dead bodies... it saves a lot of time for the mortician later.

The US Men's National Soccer Team could make some noise in the next two World Cups

I'd say that [soccer is] better than ever. I would say not this World Cup and next World Cup. The U.S. could really make some noise.

A statement loss to Mexico is what the US soccer team needs to announce its global presence

What you really want – now, I want to see the United States – barely lose to Mexico in a statement loss. And that could be what really announces our presence on the global scale.

The United States soccer team is the Indiana Pacers of the global scale

The thing about Klinsmann is the United States in soccer is the Indiana Pacers. We've never done anything great, really. We've had a couple good players every now and again. But we think that we're entitled to be a really good team.

Kimbo Slice meant as much to our generation as Muhammad Ali meant to our parents' generation

It's a hot take, but it's kind of the correct take. Kimbo Slice meant a lot, too, to us. Because that early YouTube time, when he – do you remember watching those videos of Kimbo just bashing people's skulls in and saying, what the hell is going on? He was the baddest guy I've ever seen.

Game 3 of the 2016 NBA Finals is a 'can't lose' for the Cavaliers

I think it's a can't lose because if they lose it, then the series has officially begun and then Steph Curry is going to just put the nail in the coffin in game four. So they have to win it because if they lose it, then they won't win another one.

LeBron James buying headphones for his teammates is a 'bad boss move'

LeBron bought everyone headphones before game two? Another really bad boss move. Basically buying everyone a gift so that when he trashes them and calls them assholes and tells the media that he can't do it all on himself, he's then going to come behind the press conference and be like, hey guys, but you remember those headphones I got you?

I am officially unretiring for a $10 million starting spot

Retired. Done. [Big Cat: $10 million?] Yeah, for sure.

The San Jose Sharks have no chance to come back against the Penguins in the 2016 Stanley Cup Final

Done. Done. Oh, that's not a chance. Like it was pretty stupid. They would even waste the money that it costs to pay for the private jet out to play the game and lose and then have to fly home. ... They're just a better team overall.

I hate the NBA because of the Prima Donnas and flopping

I just hate the NBA. ... Just, you know, it's just, I don't know. I feel like it's all one-on-one. It's just the timeouts, the fools that play. A lot of ball hogs. ... Prima Donnas. Flops everywhere. It's just slow.

Hank is officially more famous than I am in our hometown of Scituate

I'm fully 100% aware of it. I actually love it because if a kid's going to just ride this rise to fame like he has – I respect that it's a Scituate guy.

Jim Harbaugh is a civil rights leader fighting against NCAA persecution of football

I'm glad that Harbaugh finally has the guts to stand up for Division I major conference men's college football coaches. ... Harbaugh, thank you for standing up for the rights of the most persecuted people in America.

NFL owners likely faked the Roger Goodell death hack to test public sentiment before potentially murdering him

I think it's more probable than not that this was an idea that was floated by the owners just to see – just to kind of like gauge the reaction and see what public sentiment would look like if Roger Goodell were to die. ... testing it out to see like if we killed him, would people hate us?

The NFL faked the Roger Goodell death hack to cover up a photo of a Patriots fan flipping him off

Tweet comes out last night or this morning, Patriots fan giving Goodell the finger in a picture. Bad look. Real bad look. One of Goodell's security guards got fired for that. You can't let that happen to the boss man. So how do we cover it up? Fake killed Goodell.

I support capping three-pointers if it hurts Steph Curry and the Warriors

I hate the rule, and I hate these changing of rules, but if it means we can take away the one thing that Steph excels at over everyone else, I'm kind of in favor of that.

Aaron Rodgers stopping his cheese consumption is a betrayal of his Wisconsin fan base

Aaron Rodgers deciding to stop eating cheese is absolute fucking bullshit. It's a slap in the face to his entire fan base. ... Aaron Rodgers is basically telling all of his fans, all the hardworking people in Wisconsin that buy his jersey ... You just told them they're all fat asses and losers.

The Cavaliers are officially dead after Game 2 of the 2016 NBA Finals

The Cavaliers are officially dead. I feel confident about this time. I've done this before, and I had to eat some crow... because the Cavaliers have been blown out now two times and it looks like [it's over].

Cavaliers fans should be rooting for Kevin Love to miss time with his concussion

Kevin Love is seemingly concussed. And if you're a Cavs fan, are you rooting for Love to miss time? I think you are... because he's such a bad fit for this series and playing anyone on defense that I might want Kevin Love not around.

LeBron James is likely rooting for Kevin Love to miss time with a concussion so he has an excuse for losing

I feel like LeBron's probably rooting for Kevin [Love] to be out with a concussion because that way he's got something to point his finger at and be like, 'we weren't healthy.' He's got a little excuse there. If you're LeBron, you're making middle notes of all the excuses along the way that you can use.

Skip Bayless is at his best when LeBron James is failing in the Finals

Skip Bayless is on fire. I don't know if you've seen him... there's nothing that brings that out quite like LeBron choking in the finals.

The Golden State Warriors are better off without Steph Curry

I've seen enough and I know enough that if you take Steph out of the Warriors, they're just as good, if not better. [They haven't said his name] all series because he's been on the bench all series.

The Cavaliers are finished in the 2016 NBA Finals

Cavs, done or finished. It's looking pretty bad, man. I actually thought they were going to win tonight. It's looking pretty bad. I'm going to say they're finished.

The Oklahoma City Thunder would have beaten the Cavaliers in the Finals if they had advanced

Oklahoma City is the big loser in all of this because I think they would have won the title if they had faced the Cavs.

I didn't play for Team USA in 2016 partly because of the Zika virus

At first, it was the United States thing, and then I realized that Zika virus was my built-in out. So I was like, all right, I don't even have to play anymore. I can just chalk it up to Zika.

I wanted to jump over a convertible for the Dunk Contest but Kia made me use an Optima hood

I wanted to jump over a convertible... But I wasn't allowed to. It had to be a Kia Optima... there's no way I was going to make it over the entire thing, over Baron Davis in the sunroof, so I opted for the hood, and then everyone was pissed that I jumped over the hood.

DeAndre Jordan makes at least 60% of his free throws in practice

Honestly, he goes over and shoots on the side after we're done and everybody else is shooting. He probably shoots at least 60% in practice, maybe more.

Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan are the two most popular athletes of all time

I would say Muhammad Ali, most popular athlete of all time. It's probably Muhammad Ali one, Michael Jordan two, and there's not really a third.

The summer of 2016 is when soccer officially catches on in the US, especially if they can get a 'big tie' against Brazil

This is the summer it catches on. You watch. Some people have called it the summer of soccer. I think so. If they could get a big tie against like a Brazil or something, that's the launching point for soccer being the biggest sport in America.

LeBron James lacks grit because he peaked in high school

LeBron has no grit, but it's not from his own – it's not his own fault... I think that LeBron's just been screwed over. Like I said, the guy peaked in high school and... he was back in, like, 11th, 12th grade being put in the center of the universe.

Aqib Talib can extend his career by seven years by capitalizing on his shooting incident

Tlaib may have just extended his career by like seven years. Because now he can get that really sappy E30 with Jeremy Schaap... A second chance is worth like two more contracts. So smart move on Tlaib's part, getting shot, because now he gets like an opportunity to prove himself again.