Takes

Indianapolis is an underrated city and a great place to see a Final Four

I've always said Indianapolis is an underrated city. Great place to go see a Final Four. And special spot in our heart for the milk puke challenge we did in the middle of Indianapolis.

The city of Cincinnati is collectively trying to prank the world with Skyline Chili

I'm convinced, absolutely convinced that everyone in the city of Cincinnati just said, we're going to fuck with the world. So anytime they come to Cincinnati, we're going to make them eat this disgusting chili and tell them that it's all we eat.

We are not football guys, we are football guy guys

Thinking back on the different football guys that we met with and talked to about grit, I came to the conclusion we're not football guys, me and you. We're not football guys, but we are football guys guys. We love being dudes around football guys.

Lacrosse will be more popular than baseball in 50 years

Lacrosse is going to be more popular than baseball in 50 years.

Women's lacrosse is not a real sport because Northwestern is good at it

Also, Northwestern won a national title, and if Northwestern can win a national title in the sport we're talking about, that's not a real sport. So women's lacrosse, sorry, not a real sport.

Have we ever thought about making a gorilla a fullback?

I was looking at the picture of that gorilla — I don't want to get too sidetracked here, but have we ever thought about making a gorilla as a fullback?

The child who fell into Harambe's enclosure was a plant

This child is a plant, man. This child wanted Harambe dead. The child slid under a fence, through wires, and climbed over a moat wall.

Harambe is happier dead than living in Cincinnati

Do you think that Harambe is, like, happier now that he's dead than living in some, like, terrible enclosure in Cincinnati?

People who camp outside NFL facilities for tryouts are terrorists

The people that camp outside of NFL training facilities holding signs that say, 'Let me get a tryout. All I need is a shot. I'm hungry.' They're pretty much terrorists because what they're doing is they're going on like a hunger strike... You can't bypass the system.

Nyquist the horse is the weakest, most sensitive horse for blocking haters on Twitter

I got officially blocked by Nyquist, the horse. I think I called him a pussy for not racing in the Belmont. This horse is the worst. He's clearly a bully horse. Either you're against horse trolling or you're not Nyquist. Weakest horse I know.

Skyline Chili is a running joke used by Cincinnati residents to prank tourists

Skyline Chili, I'm convinced all of Cincinnati has Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know what is going on there. They have convinced themselves that's real food that people should eat. I think it's a running joke. Everyone in Cincinnati was like, hey, let's try to convince the rest of the world that every time they come visit us, they have to eat this diarrhea.

The Thunder will smoke the Warriors in Game 6

I think the Thunder are going to smoke the Warriors in game six.

The NBA and Kevin Durant should stop exaggerating player heights

When did Kevin Durant become seven feet tall? He's six foot nine, right? They used to call Ben Wallace a seven footer and it's like he was at least six, I don't know, ten or something like that. Kevin Durant's... that's giving him more than a few inches. I often hear this with LeBron... they add 10 pounds and they add at least one inch every time they talk about him. I hope we can pull back from that on Kevin Durant.

The San Jose Sharks will defeat the Pittsburgh Penguins in the Stanley Cup Finals

The Stanley Cup finals. Sharks eat penguins. Not to brag, but I called it. Yes, you did. Because it was the only matchup that could occur in nature.

Sidney Crosby is a less classy player than Alex Ovechkin because he touched the Prince of Wales Trophy

What I care about is that Sidney Crosby touched the trophy. He touched the trophy. Big no-no. You know who's never touched that trophy? Alexander Ovechkin. That's why he is a classier player than Sidney Crosby. That's why he doesn't have bad luck. That's right.

Joe Thornton is wrong for playing with his kids instead of watching his potential Stanley Cup opponents

Joe Thornton, when the Sharks won the Western Conference Finals... said that he was going to play with his kids during the Game 7 Penguins-Lightnings. Not watch who he was going to play in the Stanley Cup Finals. Mike Milbury was not happy... how you win a Stanley Cup is being always focused and making sure you tune in to your opponent even when you're not playing them.

NFL players should only be allowed to have sex from May to August to ensure offseason births

I've been a long-standing fan of this policy for the NFL... I think that players should only be able to have sex through the months of, what is it, like May through August to time it so that you have an offseason baby. Because I hate it when Joe Flacco has to miss the Pro Bowl or threaten.

Bengals vs. Steelers is currently the biggest rivalry in the NFL

Cincinnati Bengals, Pittsburgh Steelers. Maybe the biggest rivalry going right now in the NFL.

If Roger Goodell isn't 'motherfucking' me behind my back, I'm not doing my job as NFLPA President

I feel like in a weird way, if [Roger Goodell] hasn't [motherfucked me behind my back], I'm probably not doing my job... You have to stump for the players.

The Steelers-Bengals rivalry in 2016 was worse and more intense than the Steelers-Ravens rivalry

Honestly, I think it was worse with the Bengals this year... just the Bengals are something different. That game was wild, man.

Chris Berman's retirement report is a bargaining chip for his next contract

Does Chris Berman not strike you as the type of guy that's going to take a victory lap? He is a victory lap guy through and through. So this wishy-washy back and forth, this was all on purpose... Or what this could be is a bargaining chip. He might be trying to play him for a raise. His contract's up next year. So he's dangling the threat of retirement.

The Spelling Bee stinks now because it tries too hard to be 'millennial-friendly'

I'm a spelling bee purist... I kind of like some of the new stuff that they're doing to try to draw on the millennial. No, they're trying to be too cute. It's too cute. They're having the kids dab. I like the cutthroat. I like the competitiveness. I like the pressure where you know these 12-year-olds, if they get this word wrong, their whole entire life is going to be crushed.

The St. Louis Cardinals 'statement loss' is a ridiculous spin by a losing team

My favorite team in Major League Baseball, St. Louis Cardinals, they had a statement loss against my actual favorite team, the Cubs, on Wednesday. They showed determination and grit, that's a quote, when they lost to the Cubs. Colton Wong said, 'I think we still made a statement in the loss.' In the loss? Don't let the Cardinals get too hot with all these statement losses they're throwing out there.

J.J. Watt is lazy and failing to pay his 'success rent' by watching TV on his couch

Sounds like he wasn't paying his rent for his success tonight. Sounds like he should have been in the gym instead of sitting on the couch watching TV, taking his athletic ability for granted... Sounds like someone's going to be late on his success rent.

The Arby's in Columbus is the worst fast food restaurant in America

Arby's is a questionable choice to begin with. This one particular Arby's was probably the worst fast food restaurant in America... We knew we had a problem when the guy in front of us was complaining about soggy, moldy bread that he got a week ago, and he wanted a free sandwich, and they were fighting him tooth and nail for a $5 free sandwich.

The Raptors are the Russian Army of the NBA; they defend their home well but get smoked once they travel abroad

The Raptors, they're only good in Canada. They're like the Russian army. They can defend their homeland really well. But the second you send them over like the Kush mountains into Afghanistan, they're getting smoked.

The Cavaliers will beat the Raptors and face the Thunder in the NBA Finals

So we got the Cavs are going to win. They're going to most likely face the Thunder. [PFT: Oh, you want to get in this?] No, let's do Tressel, then we're going to get to it. I'm just saying that was a bold statement you just made.

Penn State is the toughest Big Ten stadium for opponents but it looks like an erector set with no character

Probably Penn State when they're playing well is a difficult one because it's like an erector set, and it's huge... it doesn't, in my opinion, have that much character. It just looks like it got added onto and added onto another erector set.

Grit is more important than athletic ability for a quarterback

That's why I think grit's more important than ability is because Craig Krenzel was not the most talented quarterback in the nation... but he did the one thing that you're supposed to do if you're the quarterback, and that's win every game.

Fullback dives are not gritty; they are essentially a pillow fight

No [fullback dives are not gritty]. Fullback dive is kind of like a pillow fight. You just run up in there. I mean, it's either you get a lot or you get nothing because you don't get any movement. You don't even have enough running start to have a collision in a fullback dive.

The punt is the most important play in football

I've said it's the most important play... the impact that the punt play makes in the game is incredible. If you get one blocked, it's devastating. If you block one, it's exhilarating. It's kind of like a relationship.

The 2003 Fiesta Bowl was won by a bad call in regulation, not the controversial pass interference in overtime

Go back to the film and look at the end of regulation when they said Chris Gamble didn't stay in bounds or whatever. The game should have ended in regulation. So the real bad call was that one... I think if you look at it [the PI call], the guy was mugged.

Football is safer than riding a bike or cheerleading in terms of concussions

I would definitely let my son play football. I wouldn't let him ride a bike or you know the other things that cause more concussions than football does. I think where is football ranked? Eighth among sports and in per capita concussions? I just read that Georgia Bulldogs cheerleaders get more concussions.

Year-round training and specialization are 'fouling up' youth sports by preventing kids from developing grit through diverse experiences

I think we've kind of fouled up the whole thing by having all year round soccer, all year round football, all year round basketball... student athletes aren't doing internships because they're so busy training... all of the things that help develop grit, we're just doing them in one direction and in training.

The Warriors are done and will not win the Western Conference Finals

I have the Warriors as done. They are done this season. The Thunder are going to win this series. They are not finished, and the window is half closed.

If the Warriors lose in the playoffs and don't sign Kevin Durant, their championship window is closed

No Kevin Durant plus a Warriors exit this year. Windows closed.

No one actually likes advanced analytics except for nerds

I just want to know who likes analytics. I'm not talking black, white, Asian, whatever. No one likes analytics. Nerds like analytics. Have you ever had someone walk up to you and be like, hey, man, have you looked at the recent war that each player has? No.

The Rio Olympics will be defined by corruption and extortion

Not only is the water full of poop in Rio, but the people that they hired to clean it up stole the money. So pretty classic Olympics we got going on here, folks. We got the environmental stuff. We got the extortion. We got corruption.

The Warriors' season is over

The Warriors are dead. They're in the grave, man. It's done. It's done. Three to one. They're going back to Oakland. They're not looking like the same team.

A 73-win season means nothing without a championship

Don't mean a thing without that ring. That's all I'm going to say... That is the 72-10 1996 Bulls. That was their little mantra. And the Warriors... The 73-win Warriors look like they're in a lot of trouble.

Russell Westbrook is currently the best player in the world

[Russell Westbrook] had 33, 36, 11, and 11. Unreal. He basically said, I'm the best player in the world and I'm going to take over this game. I'm going to take over the series.

The Warriors-Thunder series pivoted entirely on Draymond Green kicking Steven Adams in the nuts

This is probably the first series that has ever pivoted entirely based on the kick to the nuts. That lit a spark. That was the spark that sparked the powder keg.

You don't need an MCL to shoot a basketball

Last time I checked, you don't score with your MCL. You score with your hands and your eyes. What did they teach you when you were learning to shoot? Balance, eyes, elbow, follow through. It's not beef and call. There's no MCL in there.

Steph Curry's poor performance is caused by a teammate sleeping with his mother

That guy [old college teammate] is probably sleeping with Steph [Curry]'s mom, and it's keeping him up. That's it... Everyone knows that if your NBA team loses, someone's having sex with someone's wife or mom.

I expect the NBA Finals to be Thunder vs. Cavaliers

I think it's going to be Thunder, Cavs in the finals. But if there's two teams that can disrupt that, it's the Raptors and the Warriors.

Buffalo is a top-tier vacation destination

I really feel like Buffalo is right up there with any of your great vacation places like Key West, your Acapulcos... Rio, all of the above. The 24 hours we spent there seems like it was the best time of my life.

I despise Cleveland Cavaliers fans

I love Browns fans. I fucking despise Cavs fans. They're the worst. I know they're the exact same people, but they're not.

I am the best-looking member of the Ryan family

I'm definitely better looking than Rex. So, yeah, I'm definitely that guy. The long hair, I think, is what makes it.

Buffalo wings are better than anybody else's wings in the world

These Buffalo wings are better than anybody's... I'm definitely making my rounds, and there's definitely a difference.

Rex Ryan is still deep down a fat guy despite his weight loss

I think once you're a fat guy, you always have it in you, that you can definitely become fatter... I think he's still deep down a fat guy. [His personality] didn't change... He's still a bad guy. He's still himself.