Takes

The Red Sox trading Mookie Betts makes no sense and is a repeat of the Khalil Mack trade

The Red Sox seems like what they did, what they got for it is, at best... a Mookie Betts. It's kind of like the Raiders trade when they traded Khalil Mack. They're trading assets that they hope will eventually turn into a player the caliber of Mookie Betts. ... no one is as good as Mookie Betts except for Trout.

The Dodgers have to win one because their 'all-ins' are becoming pathetic

And now the Dodgers, I mean, how many all-ins can the Dodgers... The Dodgers are going to break the record for the most all-ins. This decade, this is like their fifth or sixth all in. You've got to win one, Dodgers. This is so pathetic.

The Dodgers traded for a bigger playoff choker in David Price than Clayton Kershaw

They literally traded for a bigger choker in David Price. ... he's got a ring, though. ... But Clayton can, I mean, the chances are David Price will probably choke before Clayton [Kershaw] does. They're going to be choking each other. It's going to be some real kinky shit.

If Patrick Mahomes plays in the Celebrity All-Star game in Chicago, he will win MVP

But if Patrick Mahomes plays in a Celebrity All-Star game in Chicago, he will win MVP and everyone will make a joke. ... he looked genuinely like he was having the best time in his life [at the parade].

Aaron Rodgers doesn't want to win a Super Bowl because he'd have to chug beer in front of people

That's actually the reason I think that Aaron Rodgers doesn't want to win a Super Bowl is because he'd have to chug beer in front of people. In front of large crowds. That's not his thing.

Tom Brady will sign with the Tennessee Titans in free agency

PFT's fire fest is he has to be the one to break news to you that Tom Brady's going to the Titans. Giselle was allegedly touring a school, an all-boys high school in Nashville, Tennessee. Connecting the dots.

We are 'all fucked' because of the coronavirus

The coronavirus is active. It is live. It's over in China right now. They've shut down cities. They've quarantined entire cities... And I've seen the movie Outbreak recently. So I just think we're all fucked.

'The Circle' on Netflix is the worst show ever created

I started watching the show The Circle on Netflix, and it's the worst show that's ever been created, and I started watching it, and I can't stop. It is horrendous. ... You say to yourself, I'm getting significantly dumber as I watch this show. And then you keep on watching.

I actually think I am going to make the DC Defenders XFL team as a kicker

They suggested, as a joke, that the DC team they don't have a kicker right now... I started practicing, and now I actually think that I'm going to make the team... I want to be a professional football player. I want to make this team. And I believe that.

A wet sock is worse than a broken foot

I will say having a wet foot will ruin your day. Wet foot is worse than spraining an ankle which is worse than a break. I would rather have my foot chopped off then have my sock be wet all day.

If the Bears beat the Rams, they are going to the playoffs

I legitimately 100% have bought into the fact that if the Bears beat the Rams on Sunday night, they're going to the playoffs.

The Washington Redskins' medical staff misdiagnosed Trent Williams' cancer for six years

The Trent Williams trade news out of Ashburn Virginia... he said that he was misdiagnosed six years ago by the Redskins medical staff. Cancer has been growing on his head for the last six years. They told him it was fine. He said he almost died. He went to the hospital for several weeks over the summer. No one from the team came to visit him. They deserve every bad thing in the world.

The Washington Redskins are more likely to win a World Series than a Super Bowl in the next five years

I said earlier today that I think the Redskins are more likely to win a World Series than they are Super Bowl in the next five years. Yeah, I'd agree. I'd agree just just by like a random shit show of occurrences that somehow become a major league team.

Betting every single moneyline underdog is a winning strategy

I love 11 Moneyline underdogs. ... It worked out really well for me last week, and I'm very concerned because I know it's probably not going to work out as well. ... I've convinced so many people in the office that it's a winning strategy.

The Cincinnati Bearcats' black field prank was a terrible joke

Cincinnati...dying their field black for Friday night's game. I've never been more excited to bet on a team. Turns out they were just kind of like joking... that's not a good joke. Getting everyone excited about it. That's a terrible joke. I was so pumped to watch Cincinnati on an all-black field.

The Chicago Cubs are the most maddening and frustrating team I've ever watched

My fire fest is the Chicago cups. They're the most maddening team, frustrating team I've ever watched. They just want to toy with everyone's hearts and they win one game, lose one game, lose two games. Don't score for a week. Then they look awesome... I am at the point where I'm just I don't even know what I want anymore.

The Popeyes spicy chicken sandwich is one of the best sandwiches ever

Unpopular opinion that Popeye's chicken sandwich is good. I'll die on that hill. No, it's really good. And I need to have another one.

Max Kellerman is wrongly claiming he created the term 'BOAT' for Blake Bortles

Max Kellerman keeps talking about how he created the BOAT, and it's pissing me off... I think it was someone in the Barstool World slash Blake, and it's been around for five years now, and the fact that Max Kellerman thinks he just made it up on the spot yesterday is driving me insane.

iPhone 'tapback' message reactions serve no purpose and the inventor should be exiled

I am in quite the text thread for my [fantasy football] league. Not only are is everybody just like replying with small little jokes, but they're also huge on the emphasizing things, the laughing at things—those extra buttons. They serve no extra purpose and I fucking hate those extra buttons because they fill up my phone notifications... the person that invented it should have to go live in Brazil for the rest of their life.

We have all been living in a computer simulation since 2012

My fire fest of the week is the fact that we've all been dead for seven years. Back in 2012, the Large Hadron Collider was invented... And currently we're living in a computer simulation. We're like, God is doing like a Madden Sim season... there are these little tiny glitches that the computer didn't get right. For example, Skechers Shoes. I always thought it was S-K-E-T-C-H-E-R-S. Turns out it's not. There's no T in there.

The compact SUV market is a total fraud

The compact SUV world is such a fraud city... it's just a car. And then you actually don't have as much trunk room as you would in a normal car. You put a dog in it, and it's already crowded.

VAR is ruining soccer and we should go back to just complaining about refs

My other fire fest... is robots. Especially VAR robots in the World Cup, in the Women's World Cup. It's ruining soccer. It is absolutely ruining it. I'm actually the mindset that I'm out on instant replay across the board. I think we've gone too far. Fuck the robots. We need to complain about refs.

Acai bowls are a scam that make you fat because they are basically just ice cream

I found out about them [Acai Bowls]. They're awesome. It's basically ice cream. But then I found out they make you fat... Turns out it basically is ice cream. They're labeled as superfood.

The Jonas Brothers are actually not losers and their documentary is good

My Firefest of the week is that I watched a Jonas Brothers documentary, and I actually really liked them. You go in and you're like, oh, Jonas Brothers, those guys are losers. Only teenage girls like them... Then you watch the documentary. You realize they were grinding for three years.

Cord cutters are not real sports fans

People who are cord cutters are not sports fans. I'm just going to say it right now. Because you are buffering and you're watching a minute behind. You care more about the money you're saving than sports, than the actual sports and being up to date. You are not a real sports fan.

I am officially quitting the Juul and invite fans to slap me if they catch me using it

I'm also quitting Juul, which is official... If you catch me Juuling, slap me. If you see me with that motherfucking thing on me, slap me right in my jaw.

I will never cord-cut because streaming sports is too unreliable

I have so many boxes... my cable bill is like probably $400 a month. I watched a bowl game with [a friend] two years ago... It buffered so many fucking times. I had money on the game, and I was sitting there like, what is happening right now? I could never cord cut.

April has the worst weather of any month because of its inconsistency

April has the worst weather of any month... Because you can't fucking plan for it. It's cold. It's still the winter. Then it's hot. Then it's cold again. Then it rains... I would rather at least know January's going to suck no matter what.

Modern weed has become too good and it actually sucks now

My first personal Fyre Fest is weed. Just pot. I don't like smoking really good weed. I think really good weed has gotten so good that it sucks. I like nice, kind bud. Like a decent KB is what I'm about. If you give me something... orange crystals... I'm like, no, I don't want to smoke that because I'm going to feel like I'm on the moon and I don't want to be on the moon. I want to be like in the clouds.

The AAF was a Fire Fest run by people with no plan

It is hilarious to just imagine Bill Polian as being Billy McFarland. Like, drinking like rock stars, fucking like porn stars speech. I guarantee you Bill has said that at some point... Instead of cocaine and tequila on a private island, it was like tortilla chips and a nice beer, just hanging out watching tape.

Yolked: A gym that serves gourmet egg breakfast sandwiches

All in my notes, it just said, Yolked, and it's a gym and egg sandwich breakfast combo... Y-O-L-K-E-D... you can get yolked and then you get an egg sandwich.