Takes

The 2015-16 Leicester City team is taking steroids

I think that Leicester City is all taking steroids. There were a 5,001 long shot before the league year started. And now they're probably going to win the English premiership. And the only way that's possible... they're taking steroids, all of them.

Life.com is the most prestigious university in the world

I don't want to go recency bias on us, but Life.com is probably the most prestigious university in the world.

You cannot win with an NFL player who has never tried weed

Your draft pick being a weed guy i think that you don't want to have a draft pick who's who's never tried weed everyone has a friend who's never tried weed and he's a loser and like when you pass the joint around you're like fuck this guy's a narc you start thinking about it you can't win with a guy who's never tried weed

Laremy Tunsil's stepdad is officially the worst stepdad of all time

If this stepdad really hacked Laremy Tunsil's every account he has, he's by far the worst stepdad of all time. So every other stepdad in relation looks okay.

Compared to Laremy Tunsil's gas mask, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix looks soft for only having a joint in his draft night photo

Another real winner of the draft was Ha Ha Clinton-Dix from a couple years ago. You'll remember he had that joint that was next to him on the couch. So now basically Ha Ha Clinton-Dix looks like a big pussy right now. At least have an apparatus for me to make a story.

LeBron James has been doing steroids since the day he was born

Steph Curry's hurt, Chris Paul's hurt, Blake Griffin's hurt, you know who's never missed the playoff game? LeBron James. But LeBron James has always been huge. ... Always has been doing steroids probably since the day he was born. I've never seen a more clear steroid case in my life than LeBron James.

Capitals goalie Braden Holtby is using Adderall to play well in the playoffs

I don't follow hockey that closely, but I know that there's always one good goalie in the playoffs. And whoever that guy is this year... I want to go [Braden] Holtby. [Braden] Holtby is using Adderall.

The person who leaked Laremy Tunsil's gas mask video deserves death

If we're in the trust tree right now, this guy deserves death. ... If he winds up like in a ditch somewhere like, yep, no one is going to cry about that. He's a scumbag.

Pardon My Take is responsible for Skip Bayless leaving ESPN

I think the entire Pardon My Take, Pardon the Interruption, First Take fiasco that ever since that happened, ESPN's ratings have been way, way down. Our ratings have been way, way up. So, yeah, I think I think there's a better than zero chance that we contributed to [Skip Bayless's] demise.

Carson Wentz's corny Twitter presence is a major red flag

You got to watch out for guys like this who are just like a little too corny on Twitter. It's like the – it's like – what's it called? Draft Day. Great movie, by the way. What's he hiding?

Anthony Davis isn't a superstar because he claimed he couldn't get a date on Tinder

Anthony Davis? He's a bum. He's a bum right now. Did you see him on the thing with Tinder? He was saying he couldn't get a date. Now let me ask this: Does an all-star, a star, a superstar ever not be able to get a date? Anthony Davis is a bum.

The Golden State Warriors are better without Steph Curry because Klay Thompson can finally shine

I think the Golden State Warriors are a better basketball team without Steph Curry... Thompson can really shine now. [Clay] will actually get to shoot. And he's actually a better shooter than [Steph].

Officiating in all sports is better than it's ever been

I would, in fact, say that officiating is better than it's ever been. In every sport across the board. Ever. Of all time. The refs are great. Shut the fuck up if you think that they're not.

Jake Arrieta is 'juicing through his eyeballs'

I think Jake Arrieta is a classic case of juicing through his eyeballs. If you look at the facts on Jake Arrieta real quick, he wasn't very good early in his career and now he's super good. What do they all have in common [with A-Rod]? You guessed it: using a lot of steroids.

Colin Kaepernick used steroids because he's too skinny now

My [Witch Hunt] is Colin Kaepernick. If you've seen a picture of Colin Kaepernick, he looks like a tweaker. He's super skinny. He's got a fro, which means he was doing steroids, and now he's no longer doing steroids. So Colin Kaepernick was a steroid user.

Stanley Johnson is actually in LeBron James' head by making LeBron think he's crazy

So you're thinking LeBron has probably read this and was like – like laughed it off, like, ha, ha, ha, ha, Stanley Johnson thinks he's in my head. And then there was a quick pause, and he's like, uh – maybe he is. I don't know.

Any future heroic act by JJ Watt will be a staged PR stunt

I wouldn't rule out J.J. Watt staging, saving some child from a burning building or something. If you hear a story in the next month that J.J. Watt ran into a burning warehouse and there were children and kittens and puppies and he saved them all, just be on the lookout for that. ... I want to be a pre-truther to anything heroic that J.J. Watt does in the next six months.

Conor McGregor's retirement is likely a cover for a steroid issue

I don't think people assume steroids enough anymore. And now this is going to be a hot take, but just follow me for a minute. Conor McGregor, he retired because he did steroids, right? Why isn't anyone saying that?

Cal Ripken Jr. used performance-enhancing drugs to maintain his consecutive games streak

I think that we need to bring back steroid accusations because you're absolutely right. So I'll get it started by reiterating my favorite steroid claim of all time, and that's that Cal Ripken Jr. used steroids or performance-enhancing drugs to break that streak.

Johnny Manziel should go to law school and become his own agent

Johnny Manziel is agentless. He should start going to law school, become his own agent, show that he can be a responsible adult. If Johnny Manziel was like yeah I'm starting night school classes law school night school classes tell me people aren't like wow Johnny really got his act together.

Big Cat winning the 50-50 raffle would be one of the last great sports stories out there

Big Cat winning the 50-50 raffle is one of the last great sports stories out there. I'm the guy always paying for the 50-50 raffle because I keep telling myself, Oh man, this will be the time I win.

Matthew Dellavedova could make the roster of most NHL teams

I will say that Matt Dellavedova could probably make the roster of most NHL players, but he's probably the only NBA player that I think could cross over into the other sport.

The NBA's new hustle stats are just a way for Matthew Dellavedova's agent to get him a big payday

Basically it's like—it's Matthew Dellavedova's agent coming up with these stats to try to get Delly a big payday this offseason. Just being in somebody's face for a shot is now a stat.

Every person nicknamed Beef in the world is a good time to hang out with

I think every person nicknamed Beef in the world is a good time to hang out with. Now I'm not saying you want them—when Beef comes to visit you, your wife or girlfriend probably rolls her eyes... but Beef is a great time to party with.

John Gruden would be a serial killer if football didn't exist

If football did not exist, I think that John Gruden would be a serial killer. I don't see any other outlet that he could possibly have besides football where he can be like this meticulous and this passionate and not end up killing at least like a half dozen people.

Kobe Bryant has given people more false confidence than Adolf Hitler

He's trapped a lot of really weak-minded people into believing that if you go around all the time and act like you're the shit... then you're going to be the best person in whatever field that you've chosen. So he's given a lot of false confidence to people, probably more false confidence to people than Adolf Hitler, I would say.

The Dude Perfect show on CMT will be the best show of all time

CMT... Thursday nights, Aaron Rodgers. I don't know when Aaron Rodgers is going to be on, but it's going to be probably the best show of all time. That guy is so cool.

The phrase 'Black Mamba' should be banned from television because it might be offensive

If people out there are getting offended by it, then, you know, TV should be a safe space. So I say that, yes, you should not be allowed to say Black Mamba on television anymore.

John Madden has been dead for years and the NFL uses fake quotes for PR

The theory of this show is that John Madden has been dead for years and that the NFL just uses fake John Madden quotes for PR.

Pissing rhabdo-colored urine makes you the best possible teammate

That dark shade of brown that's above clear piss. That's if you have rhabdo. That's when you're actually the best teammate. Sacrificing yourself. When your body is deteriorating, your muscle is deteriorating and you're pissing it out.

Concussions might not be real because the science isn't definitive

I don't know if they just all knew magically that concussions were like a real thing, which science is still out on that, by the way. ... And I'm not going to say that concussions are harmful until the NFL tells me. And Roger Goodell is not going to do that.

Tyler Summit is the Jackie Robinson of coaches getting their own players pregnant.

The Jackie Robinson of getting a player that you coach pregnant. ... Say what you want about about women's basketball. But I think this is the first time that a head coach has ever gotten one of their players pregnant. ... I don't really know where I'm going with that, except I can tell you that it's never, ever happened in the history of men's basketball. So kind of groundbreaking by him.

Ernie Els six-putting at the Masters is the worst thing a South African person has ever done in history

The bottom line is what Ernie Els did today was probably the worst thing a South African person has ever done... in the history of the world.

Janet Jackson is selfish for canceling her tour to have a family

She cancels her fucking show because she says she wants to have a family, and she wants to concentrate on that with her husband. ... Selfish. She cancels her show for some dick. ... Not only did she cancel her show, she didn't refund her fans the tickets that they bought.

The UConn women's basketball team would be a 3-5 point favorite over the Philadelphia 76ers

I think that the – well, yeah, [UConn women] are going to win, and I think that the spread against the Sixers, they'd be like three to five-point favorites, depending if it was in UConn or if it was being played in Philly.

Villanova would beat the Philadelphia 76ers

So yeah, I Villanova, I'd take Villanova over the Sixers.

Old milk is at its best in coffee once it has been turning for two days and is right on the line of being drinkable.

I like to use old milk in my coffee because it's got a little extra kick to it. No, it's a fine line between being like rancid and being drinkable. And so like when it first starts to turn those first two days, that's when it's best in coffee.

I deserve 75% credit for Villanova's NCAA tournament run

I would say I'm going to give myself like 75 percent credit for Nova's run. I don't know if you want to throw, like, 15 to Raleigh Massimino, another 10 to maybe Jay Wright's, like, suits, but 75% is about right for me.

J.J. Watt should commit a small crime like animal abuse to fix his bad boy image

J.J. needs to kind of break out of this goody two shoes, like vibe that he's putting out... I think he just needs to go out and commit a small crime, like animal abuse, you know, a crime. Nobody really cares about something like that. Maybe start a small fire. That would kind of give him that little bit of a bad boy edge.

The Crying Jordan meme is essentially a form of blackface

Isn't Crying Jordan meme a blackface in a way? I've never thought about it like that, but I suppose it is... They blackface literally every person who's ever lost any game ever.

I'm taking Matt Harvey's man card for getting a bladder infection

Apparently he had a bladder infection, which right off the bat, I'm taking his man card for that because I did not know that guys could get bladder infections. I thought that was only a woman thing. I know that sounds ignorant. But that's kind of what the man cards for is like when you feel scared by your own ignorance, you just got to take the man card.

Matt Harvey's bladder infection story will lead to an uptick in SAT scores

What are the long-term ramifications of a big news story about a major league pitcher that doesn't pee enough? And I thought, well, this upcoming SAT season, you're probably going to see a big uptick in the overall scores on SATs because there are going to be a lot more guys that are going to be like, hey, I have to go pee and then go cheat in the bathroom.

White people need to take back the word 'thug'

I think that white people need to take back the word thug. There we go. That's something that we got to start hating Tom Izzo and take back the word thug.

Oklahoma fans will forget they even played in the National Championship game two weeks after it ends

I got the Sooners and the Tar Heels in the finals, and I got UNC winning, and like Oklahoma, their fans just really don't—forget about it like two weeks later that they were ever in the national championship game because they don't really give a shit about basketball.

It is weird that Grant Hill calls Bill Raftery 'Coach' when Raftery hasn't coached in 35 years

Grant Hill refers to Bill Raftery as coach. This is noteworthy because Bill Raftery hasn't coached since 1981... Grant Hill was eight years old in 1981... I only call my coaches coach. It feels to me like he's mocking Raftery and Raftery just doesn't know it.

Grayson Allen has the potential to be the most hated Duke player of all time

He absolutely has the chance to be the most hated Duke player of all time. I know that's crazy to say because of Christian Laettner, but I'm talking about with internet culture, with winning a national title, with the tripping, with his face, the fact he looks like Ted Cruz.

There is 'no chance' Coach K's program at Duke has been run as squeaky clean as people believe

There's got to be dozens of Coach K scandals that have been covered up over the past 20 years, right? There's no chance that his program has been run as squeaky clean as we've been led to believe that it has.

You can pitch for two weeks on a torn ACL

I feel like you could pitch for, like, at least two weeks on a torn ACL... Philip Rivers played a playoff game. People forget that a lot of times. He had a torn ACL... So, like, you're a pitcher. I feel like you should be able to pitch.

Pure 'Football Guys' are likely to become serial killers if they are ever fired and forced to be domesticated

These football guys, you got to watch out for them because if they ever get fired, these are the guys that are going to be serial killers. They don't know what to do with their lives. It's like when Greg Schiano got fired... his family was like, get this weirdo the fuck out of our house.

True 'Football Guys' don't actually poop because their bodies are too efficient

Real football guys, their bodies operate so efficiently that they—first of all, they don't really eat meals because they're just too busy watching film. They eat like a couple granola bars... their bodies are just so efficient at burning everything, converting everything to energy. They just like—they don't crap. It just all goes right into the muscles or the fat... I don't think that Jeff Fisher can crap his pants because I would submit that Jeff Fisher doesn't crap.