Takes

I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on Spirit or Allegiant Air

Spirit and Allegiant Air, I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on any one of those airlines.

I would rather move across the country to keep my current cable provider than move down the street and have to change it

I'd rather pick up all my stuff and move across country if I could keep my cable providers than move down the street if I had to change them.

Cell phone and cable companies are the best businesses because customers are ignorant but need the product

There are two businesses that you really should be in... the cell phone business and in the cable business. Because when you are in a business where the customers don't understand what it's all about, what the bills are all about, but they need it, what better business could that be?

The 'full sock overhaul' is a life-changing hack where you throw out all socks and buy 60 identical pairs

I did this a couple years ago. It changed my entire life... I called it a full sock overhaul. And I threw out all my socks, and I went and I bought the exact same pair of socks. I bought like 60 of them. So that way you can never actually lose one.

Elon Musk should stop trying to get to Mars and focus on giving us retina credit cards

Elon Musk, if you're listening to this and we know you are, quit trying to get to Mars, you fucking nerd. Just give us retina credit cards.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is the most overrated thing in the world

Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is the most overrated thing in the entire world. Even more overrated than the show Friends. It is the worst. I hate it.

Drinking a Bloody Mary after 3 p.m. should be a punishable offense

I think if you drink a Bloody Mary after 3 p.m., you should probably be arrested or shot or something.

Bristol, Connecticut is the worst city in the United States

Bristol, Connecticut. I'm not saying that because of ESPN. I'm saying that because I've actually been to Bristol. If you look at TripAdvisor's top ten things to do in Bristol... one is a water park... and then three out of the other top four are like a museum of clocks. A clock museum... And then another one is the Museum of Fire.

Arkansas is one of the worst states in the country

And then the very last one, I'm going to go with the state of Arkansas... I feel like everywhere Brett Bielema goes, the bubble around his body is sovereign land. He's not a part of any state.

Starkville, Mississippi is one of the worst cities in America

Starkville, Mississippi. We went in the Dixie tour... I'm sure [Stingray Steve] agrees with me because literally all there is is a strip of fast food restaurants. Like, that's their nightlife. Bars closed at 12. We showed up there, and everyone on our bus got pink eye.

Las Vegas is a terrible city after the first 36 hours

Las Vegas. I fucking hate Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a great city to visit the first time you visit for the first day and a half that you're here. And then you realize that it's basically a mix of New Year's Eve and a cruise ship. And no one wants to be on either of those things.

Pigs in a blanket are the best finger food and appetizer available

I also think that pigs in a blanket get a bad rap. I think people try to be really classy at their weddings these days and they don't do pigs in a blanket. We need to like rebrand pigs in a blanket to bring them back because they're the best finger food and appetizer out there.

90% of Spanakopita is inedible because it's too dry

Spanakopita can be really, really dry. Like 90% of the time, it's almost inedible because it's super dry.

Mussels are officially a finger food

Mussels. Does that count? Finger food. ... I love mussels. ... And I eat them with my finger. ... I always eat mussels just with my fingers.

I want the Fox NFL Sunday injury music played at my funeral

I actually said a couple of years ago, I want that song [Fox NFL Sunday injury music] played at my funeral... seriously... if I'm dead, you guys are going to die too.

Falling asleep on strangers during transit is a power move

Falling asleep on strangers is absolutely a power move. Big transit sleeper, yep.

Winking at men is a high-level power move

And then finally, winking at men. Yeah, winking's good. It's like winking when you introduce yourself to somebody. That's a sweet move.

Les Miles eating grass makes him a true 'Football Guy'

My first one was Les Miles. Any guy who actually wants to eat the grass of a football field, that's a football guy.

Andy Reid's fupa belt is the worst look for anyone but a football coach

He puts that like right in the middle of his waist. And it's just an awful, awful look for anyone but a football coach.

Christian Ponder has the perfect look of a really good backup quarterback.

I would say that Christian Ponder has the look of a really good backup quarterback. Every good starting quarterback has a little something weird about him. But Ponder is just like, he's a good looking guy. He's just kind of, he's neutral. He's got some muscles. Like you said, he looks good in shorts and a t-shirt. Absolutely. He looks good.

Kyle Orton belongs on the Mount Rushmore of backup quarterbacks.

Kyle Orton, come on. Of course.

Josh McCown is the perfect backup quarterback

Josh McCown is the perfect backup quarterback. Because he doesn't rock the boat. He's just good enough to maybe show a little flash here and there. But then if you have to have him play more than a couple games, you're like, okay. He looks good in a set of front pleated khakis.

Jared Lorenzen is a Mount Rushmore backup quarterback

Friend of the program, Jared Lorenzen. Yes. Has a Super Bowl ring. People forget that.

Jeff Garcia is the quintessential emergency backup quarterback

Jeff Garcia. Oh, man. Dude, he was one of those guys where if your quarterback got injured in the preseason – It could be like five years after Garcia retired. You're going to make a call to Garcia's agent. He's a name that should get thrown around a lot more.

ChapStick is a myth that creates its own dependency

I think ChapStick's a myth, too. Like, I don't believe in ChapStick. I've never put on ChapStick one time in my life, and I've never thought I needed ChapStick. But once you start using it, then your mind tells you, I need more ChapStick.

LaRon Landry is the number one steroid user because he is 'half Hulk.'

Number one [steroid user], I got LaRon Landry. Oh, you're going outside of baseball. Okay. There were a couple pictures of LaRon where it was like, this dude is half Hulk.

Mark McGwire is the top steroid user, and his 1998 home run title should have belonged to Sammy Sosa.

I got Mark McGwire. It's a shame what he did to Sammy Sosa that season because that should have been Sammy's home run title. So Mark McGwire is my number one.

Mayonnaise is a great condiment that needs to be destigmatized.

Mayo doesn't get enough respect... If there's one thing I want to bring back in this world, it's the destigmatization... it's that mayo is a great condiment and people should not be ashamed to use it.

The best 'sauce' is 'Barbacuffalo,' a mix of barbecue and buffalo sauce.

My number one [sauce] is Barbacuffalo sauce. It's when you mix barbecue and buffalo sauce together. Hank invented this a few years ago and he eats buffalo and barbecue sauce combined.

The best 'sauce' is dipping fries into a Wendy's chocolate frosty.

The chocolate frosties from Wendy's. Dip fries in a chocolate frosty. That's the best sauce there is.

Queso and guacamole both qualify as sauces or condiments.

Number two, queso. Oh, man, that's cheating... obviously queso. No, it's also a condiment. You can put queso on a steak... you can put queso on a sandwich. Number three is salsa. Number three is guacamole. You can get it on a sub.

The planet would be better off without mosquitoes

Number one, mosquitoes. I don't know what part of the ecosystem mosquitoes fits into, but you can't convince me that the planet wouldn't be better without mosquitoes.

Grackles are the world's shittiest bird

I'd like to add grackles to the list. They're the world's shittiest bird. They're ten times worse than any sort of bird out there.

Witches are more real than the ghosts in scary movies

Witches. Big time fear... They're more real than [Hank's] scary movies.

I will not let a friend use my phone charger unless my own battery is at least 70%

I'm a hog. I'm a charge hog. I'm kind of an asshole. [I have to be at] 70% [to let someone else use it].

Asking a friend to get something on Barstool is the worst favor you can ask

Can you get this on Barstool? The worst. People know I haven't talked to in years will text me a little blue like, yo, put this on Barstool.

Asking someone to come on your sports podcast is a huge dick move

Can you come on my podcast? So that's a huge – I hate it. I hate when people try to get you to go on, like, your sports podcast and, like, try to joke around with them. Big time dick move if anybody out there does that.

Being asked to be a Maid of Honor is a rough favor to fulfill

Will you be my maid of honor? Like that's such a – that is a rough ask. If you're a maid of honor, you've got to plan out the entire bachelor party. You've got to plan out the wedding shower. You've got to plan out... basic bitch t-shirts.

An airport pickup or drop-off is a brutal favor

Airport pickup or drop-off. Brutal. Also, a cousin of that, can you take me to the hospital? worst.

Tony Montana is a top-tier bad guy, even though I've never seen 'Scarface'

My bad guys are, number one, Tony Montana. Now, I've never actually seen Scarface, but I'm told he's like the bad guy. I've seen the clip where he says, 'you need to point as a bad guy, and I'm the bad guy.'

God from the Old Testament is a top-tier bad guy

So I'll segue right from there into my number three which is God, God from the Old Testament. Kind of a bad guy. Threw a lot of stuff at people. People forget that. That God was kind of a hard ass.

Tom Brady is a bad guy

Number four on my Mount Rushmore of bad guys. Tom Brady. [Belichick] never got suspended. True. He only got fined.

Lord Voldemort is a top-tier bad guy

My number one bad guy, Lord Voldemort. I ain't going with the Harry Potter stuff. ... if you're going to be a bad guy, like an old Russian mobster with an accent, it doesn't get much worse than that.

Scott Hall (Razor Ramon) is the baddest bad guy in wrestling

I will go off movies now, Scott Hall, Razor Ramon. Maybe the baddest. ... Razor Ramon is the baddest of the bad then? Yeah, exactly.

Jumping off a bridge into water is the best hangover cure

First one, jumping off a bridge. Like jumping off a bridge into water. You get an adrenaline rush, and then you get the water, and then once you're in the ocean, then you're unhungover.

A big bowl of Pho is the best hangover food

My fourth is going to be my favorite hangover food, and that's a big bowl of Pho, the Vietnamese soup. Really good for a hangover, yeah. If you get all the weird shit in there too, like the intestine stuff.

A 'Hollywood executive workout' (steam, sauna, hot tub) is the best way to cure a hangover

My last one is the good old-fashioned Hollywood slash executive workout. Little steam, sauna, hot tub, shower, nothing better. That's my favorite type of workout.

Drinking a mix of Pedialyte and vodka all night prevents hangovers

If you want to not have a hangover, here's what you do. You take Pedialyte and then you mix it with vodka or rum and then you just drink that all night so you don't get hungover to begin with. That's a pro's move.

'Out of pocket' is the worst office buzzword because nobody knows what it actually means

Number one, I cannot stand when people say out of pocket. I don't even know what that means... See, this is the worst buzzword because no one even knows what it means. So when you say out of pocket, you're an asshole for this. It could also go on the Mount Rushmore of excuses. I'm out of pocket. And then when someone says, I thought you were out of pocket, you had your phone on you, said, no, I'm out of pocket. I don't have my phone. I don't have anything. I'm out of pocket.

Synergy is the best filler word for office life and will lead to promotions

When you're in the office, use synergy as a filler word. You'll probably get promoted four times before Christmas.