Takes

Anne Hathaway has a fixation for scouting gritty athletes like OG Anunoby and Danny Woodhead

Anne Hathaway is back. And if you look at the stats. A guy Riggs posted about this OG Anunoby ran into Anne Hathaway Courtside. He was jumping outta bounds to save a ball. Since that moment he's been, he's had 24.3 points per game. Now Anne Hathaway is leaning into it. So she's like posting pictures of OG Anunoby on her Instagram. The one other obscure ish athlete that she's developed a fixation for over her career was Danny Woodhead. She's a massive Danny Woodhead fan.

Jim Irsay lived exactly how a billionaire NFL owner should live

I think Jim Irsay is the closest to how I would wanna live my life if I was a billionaire. He had a football team... He collected sick guitars... He lived how you should live if you are a billionaire.

Jim Irsay was the first NFL owner with the 'balls' to stand up to Dan Snyder

I will never forget the fact that he is the first owner to have the balls to say fuck you to Dan Snyder when Snyder threatened to blackmail every other owner. And he goes, yeah, try me. 'cause everything that I've done is out in the open.

The show 'The Librarians: The Next Chapter' looks like the dumbest show of all time

The librarians, the next chapter. They're showing these commercials in all these games. It like it. I can't believe it's a real show that is being made. It looks like this is the best whose guy ever dumb this fucking show of all time.

Running a marathon in six hours does not count as finishing a marathon

People do run marathons in like six hours and then they, and they, and then they post on Instagram... No you didn't. Six hour marathon is not doing it.

Abdul Carter is a loser for trying to take legendary Giants players' retired numbers

Is Abdul Carter a loser? I it's very weird. A weird tumble guy of all time... to on day one, go into your new company and be like, I want the numbers of the two most famous guys that everybody loves. Right. And, and again, the first one I get it, take your, shoot your shot. The second one... it's weird. He can't go his own way.

LeBron James only releases post-elimination injury reports to build a protective narrative for his legacy

With LeBron it's interesting because the, the whole like you know, build, building in your narrative. Your excuse after the fact. It's something he's done a couple times... but he always has to remind us that he's injured always. And to not play a hypothetical game, it was just so extra to be like, if game six had happened tonight, yeah. He would not be playing.

100 dedicated humans could easily defeat one gorilla in a fight

I think a hundred friends could be one gorilla. Everybody just gotta be dedicated to the shit. And that sparked a debate across the internet... I am firmly of the belief that a hundred people could easily be go a fight.

Kidney stone pain is worse than childbirth

Also, the doctor again for the second time told me that this pain is worse than childbirth. Which I will not be saying to any women, but it's true... I've given birth to like 13 kidney stones. I'm as tough as Philip Rivers' wife.

Donald Trump's weight claims are now just a bit to troll the media

He's actually lost weight. He's 224... 6'3" 224. So that is that's RG3... I think that he does that now. Like at first I think he was lying about it. Now he lies about it because he knows that people are going to make fun of him for lying about it.

Ja Morant's addiction to fake guns is the best addiction of all time

Ja Morant can't quit holding fake guns. It's the, it's the best addiction of all time. I respect the hell outta that... the NBA coming down on him for his fake guns is bullshit. Just ignoring all the history of Ja Morant with real guns. I love that shit.

Aaron Rodgers will announce his signing with the Steelers on Pat McAfee's live show

The theory is that Aaron Rodgers is waiting for [Pat McAfee's Pittsburgh show] to come out on stage and say I'm going to be a Pittsburgh Steeler to fuck over the mainstream media. Which I would love. That would be awesome... I kind of like every now and then a player stealing it from the insiders and being like, I control my own message.

The Impractical Jokers are 'sex creeps'

The impractical Joker suck ass... turns out two of the four creeps. Sex creeps. Allegedly. Allegedly. It was Joe and it was Myrrh. Allegedly. Okay. So Joe alleged, well I also wanna say for Joe, he has now checked himself into inpatient treatment. Smart for being a sex creep... Joe Gato is seeking treatment for, I guess being a sex creep. So he is been hitting up high school girls, hanging out with them, touching their stomachs, doing weird shit. And then Mur was allegedly deeming a bunch of underage girls too.

Hammocks are the most overrated thing in the world

I have a hammock take they suck. Most overrated thing in the world... It's thinking about getting out of a hammock. Getting out of a hammock sucks... They're uncomfortable. You're not taking naps in the hammock.

Nice furniture does not belong outside

Nice furniture should not be outside... the maintenance is not worth the comfort. It's fucking outdoors.

Borgs (Blackout Rage Gallons) are ratchet

My other, who's back of the week is... Borg. Blackout rage gallon. Foul... I've seen... people name 'em and stuff... it's so ratchet.

The sun was switched out 40 years ago for a new, worse sun

I found guys... that think that actually this is a different sun that was, that we switched the sun out like 40 years ago and it's the new sun and it's worse for you... I gotta do some more research on the new sun guys.

Chernobyl was an inside job by Russia to discourage nuclear energy and protect their gas interests

I had one the other day that actually I completely believe that Chernobyl was on purpose. Everyone was doing nuclear power plants and Russia has a shitload of oil and gas and so they're like, Hey, let's blow up a nuclear PowerPoint plant and scare the fuck outta everyone about nuclear energy. And everyone stopped doing nuclear energy or inside job.

The NBA needs a Celtics-Lakers Finals for the ratings

The Lakers were scaring me. They've been, you know, they won eight straight. They were playing really well and it, you know the conspiracy of how does Luca end up in la? The NBA needs a Celtics. Lakers NBA finals for ratings. Yep.

Beards are causing baseball injuries because the face is connected to the elbow

My who's back is baseball injuries 'cause Garrett Cole's out for the year... Bad Tommy John. They should never change the rules about shaving your face. Like this, this would not have happened if he was clean shaven. That's true. That's your, your face. Your face is connected to your shoulder, to your elbow.

Bill Belichick's Hard Knocks at UNC will be a massive recruiting commercial for the Tar Heels

I'm actually excited to watch this. Yeah. I wanna see it is gonna be a giant commercial for UNC. That's the reason why he's doing it. Obviously. Smart. It's smart. It's very smart. You get a lot of publicity. Guys wanna come play for you.

The Celtics are officially 'all the way back' as title favorites

The Celtics waxed [the Knicks]... it's back on. All, all the way back on. The last five, they've won each by minimum 13.

JJ Watt will come out of retirement to play for the Cincinnati Bengals

JJ Watt is back. He is probably going to come out of retirement to play for the Bengals... I'm rooting for that to happen. I think he would be able to do it.

The Wisconsin Badgers are good enough to make an Elite Eight run

I officially believe that this Badger team could make a make a run... I fully believe they could be a like, elite eight team and that's always a disaster for me.

The Dallas Mavericks made the 'worst trade ever' regarding the Luca/Kyrie era context.

It's still crazy that we're, they're somehow are making it worse. The worst trade ever. They're making it worse. [Context: discussing Patrick Dumont's comments on the Mavs' culture].

Rory McIlroy is back and this could be his year to win the Masters

My Who's Back of the week is Rory McIlroy. He's smashing. He won the AT&T Pro-Am at Pebble Beach. This might be his year... he might turn it around.

College basketball needs 'asshole' coaches like Dan Hurley to be interesting.

College basketball needs asshole coaches. That's what it was built on... I need a coach K, I need a like as much as I hate Coach K, he has that that like, ah, I hate him. I wanna root against him. Dan Hurley is that if you hate him, that's good for college basketball. So I want him to do whatever he wants to do.

TikTok will never actually get banned

I think they said they're, they're doing like a 90 day extension and then it might be banned again, but there's just no way that it ever gets banned.

Wooly Mammoths will be cloned and brought back from extinction

My who's back of the week is Wooly Mammoths... There's a company called Colossal Biosciences and they just raised $200 million... to bring back and clone wooly mammoths... Willie Mammoths might be back soon.

I'm back on the Patriots bandwagon because of the Mike Vrabel hire

My who's back of the week are the New England Patriots... they signed Mike Vrabel and they're back. They're, they're, they're on the path. The path of glory is back.

Mike Vrabel is a fraud who relied on Prime Derrick Henry

Mike Vrabel is proof that one smart clock management moment in a nationally televised game buys you five to 10 years of NFL media thinking you're a great coach... Prime Derrick Henry is not walking through the Patriots door... He was a Derrick Henry merchant.

The NFL should not change the playoff format to strip division winners of home games

NFL might change the playoff format where division winners get an automatic entry but not necessarily home field in the first round. This would suck. NFL is what makes the NFL great. Winning your division should mean a lot. Don't overreact to one year.

Everyone complaining about Cam Ward sitting out the second half of the Pop-Tarts Bowl is a loser

Anyone who was upset about Cam Ward is a loser and they're just basically looking for something to be angry about. ... He's also got millions of dollars on the line if he gets hurt. I don't understand it. ... Bowl games don't really mean anything and it's entertainment and it's kind of stupid but it's also fun.

Ohio State will beat Oregon in the Rose Bowl

The Rose Bowl's gonna be awesome. I think I'm gonna take Ohio State in that game. And it's mostly based on the uniforms that Oregon picked. I didn't really like 'em, I thought they should have done more classic.

Rickey Henderson is the best lead-off hitter of all time

Rickey Henderson... was such a awesome, awesome baseball player to watch. All his base stealing records are just insane... Best lead off hitter of all time.

LeBron James' absence was extremely odd and under-reported

He left the Lakers a few days ago... there was, you know, internet rumors circulating that he was maybe getting arrested. That he was disappearing... it was weird the way it was, you know, he left and with LeBron and the media, they, you know, will talk about him nonstop and it kind of got swept under the rug.

Analytics and the three-point shot have made the NBA tough to watch

It's analytics. I blame analytics... That too. Three point shot. That too. Dunk should be three... Imagine if they made dunks threes. Everyone was just trying to fucking yam on each other constantly. That would be sick.

Juan Soto will sign with the Boston Red Sox

I'm seeing some tweets. I'm seeing some reports... Juan Soto's sister looking at apartments in Boston... Mick Kirk Han guy reported that he's a hundred percent signing with the Red Sox... I've just convinced myself we're getting Soto.

I will fight anyone who says Indiana shouldn't be in the playoff

I will fucking fight. If you find someone online who's saying Indiana should not be in the college football playoff—tag me snitch. Tag 'em. I just—I wanna fight 'em. I just love the, on the streets of the internet.

Jake Paul took mercy on Mike Tyson in their boxing match

I guess credit to Jake Paul for not knocking out Mike Tyson. ... He had no chance of winning that. And Jake Paul took mercy on his soul, which should never happen in a boxing match. ... That third round was elder abuse. That was the round where Jake Paul was like, I'm gonna start unloading. And Mike Tyson couldn't move.

LeBron James wants Coach K to replace JJ Redick as the Lakers' head coach

I think this is LeBron wants Coach K as the coach Lakers and JJ out. Yeah, because it was a dream Coach K. And it was about Duke, JJ's team.

Jason Kelce was in the right for smashing that kid's phone

Jason Kelce turned around, grabbed his phone, smashed it through the crust of the earth, awesome spike... I have no problem with that guy brought the F word into it. Fair play... I stand with Jason Kelce.

Joel Embiid was justified in shoving the reporter

I am on Joel Embiid's side. This reporter Marcus Hayes wrote an article basically calling Joel Embiid... calling out his dead brother. You don't have to bring up Joel Embiid's family... Fuck that guy.

Duke basketball is back

Duke's back... They beat Arizona State by 50 in a scrimmage... They might be back. God damnit they might be back.

I still believe I can dunk a basketball by January 1st.

I still think I can do it. I need to lose some weight... I still need like five inches. I'm 180 pounds. I was like 171 pounds in July. So I need to lose some weight basically.

I find myself actually liking LeBron James after watching the 'Starting Five' show on Netflix.

I have been watching, there's a lot episodes, so I'm, I'm not finished with it. But the NBA starting five show on Netflix. ... I do find myself like liking LeBron... He's funny. ... Like he's just, it's just the, he's funny. He's just a big goof.

Bronny James is not an NBA-caliber player

Bronny James... he's not an NBA player. It's not going well... everything he was doing was bad. Really, really bad.

Tattoos are not a quarterback's look

I have a theory on Carson Beck. I think the, I think the tattoos are too much for a quarterback. That's just not a quarterback's look.

Karl-Anthony Towns is a terrible fit for the Knicks

Was your initial reaction like mine, which was basically that KAT could not be a worst fit for this team?

New York is going to eat Karl-Anthony Towns alive

I think Knicks fans are going, I mean they were really mean to Julius Randall and if KA... I just don't think [New York] is going to eat him alive.