Takes

Michael Jordan was a better value pick at number three than Jokic was at 41

I still think Michael Jordan not being picked first overall and what he did becoming the best player of all time. That's a better value pick at three.

D3 football is better at molding young men than D1 football

So D3 football is actually better than D1 football... In terms of molding young men probably. Because I would end up, if I tried walking on a D1, I'd see D1 parties and be like, oh shit, why am I doing this?

I could beat up any legit 10-year-old in the world

People were saying that baby Gronk could beat me up, not a chance in the world. I would beat the shit outta baby Gronk. Like if it was one-on-one, me and him in a cage match, I would make him tap. It'd be, it'd be so easy. No, I could beat up any 10 year old in the world. Any 10 year old in the world.

The US government uses Taylor Swift news to distract from alien craft revelations

In fact, I went up to our friend Kelly Keegs, who is maybe the biggest Taylor Swift fan in the entire world. I was like, so did you hear about The Aliens? And she was like, what Aliens? Taylor might be working for the United States government and they just told her like, Hey Taylor, please dump your boyfriend right now because we need to cover up the alien thing.

The 1990s Buffalo Bills are a dynasty

Do you consider the bills of the nineties of Dynasty? ... I would [say so]. We'll never see that again. Ever. We saw Brady, we saw Brady with the Patriots and Belichick and they didn't make four in a row... the bills of the early nineties dynasty there, there's names from that team that are all over the hall of fame.

I could kill any bird in a fight, including a Great Horned Owl or an Ostrich

I'd fucking smash a baby owl... Fucking kick [a Great Horned Owl] to the moon. Listen, that's any bird dead. I will kill any bird. If you put an ostrich in front of me, I tie its neck into a knot... Choke it out.

Jalen Brown does not know how to dribble

Jalen Brown does not know how to dribble. I don't know if that's something he's gonna learn. And then, I mean Jason Tatum obviously I think Jason Tatum probably smells the best coming out of this run... But where do you go and Marcus Smart? I don't know. Do you keep rolling out the same thing year after year?

The Celtics need to blow the team up

First is stop talking about that video because Celtics lost and it doesn't matter. First they, you gotta blow it up. You gotta blow it up. How many times can you get close? I mean, as a Celtics fan, I cannot stand watching this team get so close year after year and then falling short. It's bullshit.

Joel Embiid doesn't have the fight or leadership to lead the Sixers to a title

I don't know at this point this might just me be me talking angry shit because they're, they lost. But I think maybe Embiid could go too at this point. I don't think he's, he might be a winner. Yeah, yeah. He's awesome. I mean he's an unbelievable talent and... I just don't think he's like a, he doesn't have that fight. Like you said, he won't put the, he can't lead that team.

The Russians are radicalizing orcas to attack ships in NATO waters

So the Russians have been training beluga whales to be spies in NATO waters and with all these recent orca attacks are the Russians, radicalizing orcas? ... The orcas haven't been acting like that before.

I will retire from the NBA if LeBron James retires this year

If LeBron James retires from the nba, I will also retire from the nba. ... I wear a LeBron jersey for a year.

PFT and I should do a tattoo bet on the Bears vs. Commanders Week 5 game

Pft, the bears and commanders play week five Thursday night football. ... We should make it a tattoo bet. ... Tattoo bet for week five. Thursday night football.

D'Angelo Russell is maybe the worst player ever

Dlo [D'Angelo] Russell is maybe the worst player ever. It's puzzling how bad the Lakers have been.

Victor Wembanyama is probably not that good because he is too skinny and too French

I did just go straight into like, he's probably not even that good... I might be on Victor Wembanyama is too big, too skinny. And also Rudy Gobert is would be his like, you know, Frenchman and so maybe what's the best dog he can have in him? A French poodle?

Putting on deodorant before going to the gym is a sign that you are cheating on your partner

It's actually, if he were to put on deodorant before going to a gym... that would be a sign he's cheating on you. Be like, why are you putting on deodorant before you're going to get sweaty?

James Harden doesn't actually want to win in the playoffs because he wants to party

I actually think that there might be something to the fact that James Harden doesn't want to win in the playoffs because he gets paid regardless and he just wants to go party in the off season. Like legitimately James Harden might not want to win playoff series.

Kevin Durant's legacy is almost completely destroyed and taking an irreparable hit

Kevin Durant's legacy's taken a hit the last few years. Maybe an irreparable hit because you would think if he's the best player in the nba... you think he'd be able to get it done with a team with Devin Booker and some nice role players on the side. And Kevin Durant... your legacy right now, I'd say it's almost completely destroyed.

The Lions losing a close game on opening night is better for them than winning

I think the lions losing in a close game opening night is better than winning... Because if they do beat the chiefs week one Thursday night in front of the whole country, the lion's hype will be out of this world. It will be uncontrollable at that point.

The 1990s Rockets would have beaten the Bulls even with Michael Jordan on the court

They would not have won eight in a row. They would have been a small team trying to defend Dream [Hakeem Olajuwon] and us. We would have beat them. Now if you ask me the same question and go, can you beat that first three-peat team or the second? I don't know... But those teams, that how they were constructed and just add Mike to it, we would've beat them for sure.

Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl are the best duo since Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen

I say he's Pippen and Jordan, I say the best duo since Pippen and Jordan. Wow. They're gonna, I think they're gonna win win a championship.

If James Harden scores more than 30 points in a playoff game, you should sit him the next game

I'm a big believer and if James Harden scores more than 30 points in a playoff game, you should sit him the next game. Give him a nice little sit and then it's back to Philly. I'm sure that James Harden will be great in game seven like he always is.

The Phoenix Suns are better without Chris Paul

I think in a sick way they definitely are better without Chris Paul. 100%. Because if you got Devin Booker and Kevin Durant, those guys, they can both create their own shots. They're not really reliant on Chris Paul to run their offense and they get along just fine without him.

The Maple Leafs' round one series win doesn't count if they get swept in the second round

Do we count the Leafs getting into the second round if they don't win a game? I don't think it counts. If they don't win a single game in the second round, I don't think they got to the second round.

Meghan Markle attended King Charles' Coronation in a disguise

They're saying that that was Meghan Markle wearing a prosthetic, pretending to be a dude to sneak into the coronation. I have no idea if it's true or not, but I now I believe it because these people care so very deeply about it.

Brad Stevens should come down from the front office to call plays for the Celtics

Brad Stevens for all you know, intents and purposes one of the best X's and O's guys ever when he was coaching... He's still in the organization. Why don't they just put him on the bench and just have him call the plays at the end of the game?

If Steph Curry beats LeBron James in the second round, he moves to #2 all-time

I'm personally putting LeBron's legacy on the line in this matchup against Steph Curry. So if Steph beats him, Steph goes up to number two all time as far as I'm concerned.

Dillon Brooks' career might be over mentally after this playoffs

No one had a worse playoff performance start to finish than Dillon Brooks. He is a complete joke... I actually think he'll have a career, but I wouldn't be shocked if his career is just over because of this. Like mentally... he could not have had a worse playoffs.

Notre Dame is one of the most fraudulent schools in college football

Notre Dame's probably the most fraudulent school... who do they play every year besides USC? ... Ohio State's not that good anymore, dude. They're way past their prime.

Michigan is the most fraudulent team in college football

I think there's an argument that Michigan is the most fraudulent team in college football... because they didn't win that [TCU] game... we're on the climb, Willie and I are on the climb.

I'm officially out on all Big 12 defensive players

Tyree Wilson to the Raiders, I just, I'm bust all Big 12 defensive players. If you're a defensive player [from the Big 12], I would not touch you in the first round.

The Ravens fleeced themselves by giving Lamar Jackson $185 million guaranteed

Lamar Jackson is still a Raven... he got 185 million guaranteed. That's a lot of money to guarantee to a running back. And I mean the Ravens kind of, they fleeced themselves on that one. Like who? Nobody in their right mind was gonna trade anything worth anything for that guy.

Jimmy Butler is the number one player in the NBA

Jimmy Butler. Who is now, you know what, Jimmy's number one, he's my number one player in the NBA.

Aaron Rodgers taking a post-season loss is another failure for him as a Bucks owner

You know who a minority investor in the Bucks is? Aaron Rodgers. Another post-season loss failure for Aaron Rodgers.

The NBA rigged Game 3 of the Sixers-Nets series to extend it

No, I mean it, it was just blatant at halftime. There was, there was something that happened. There was something that happened at halftime... The Nets had zero fouls in the second half until five minutes to go in the fourth quarter. It was insane. They obviously wanted a series they wanted, but they wanted the game to go more than four games.

Anthony Richardson is a 'follower' because he copied Will Levis hitting the ceiling at his pro day

Anthony Richardson did it and said that he hit the roof on purpose because Will Levis did it. This is my red flag. I want my quarterback to be a leader, not a follower. Like he was copying someone else. He was like following the lead.

Malik Murphy is the real sleeper in the Texas QB battle and has the best arm on the team

In reality in the UT quarterback competition, there was a big dark horse sleeper that no one saw coming in Malik Murphy... I think has the best arm out of any of the quarterbacks on the team. Quinn Ewers did have an amazing day... but this Malik Murphy guy just was throwing bombs out there.

Spencer Dinwiddie's career might be over after being nicknamed 'Dinshiddie'

This was his first game since Kyle Kuzma called him Dinshiddie, which is a great, great nickname... and he wasn't good... I don't wanna overstate it, but when you get called Dinshiddie, it might be a wrap.

The replacement of Sierra Mist with Starry is a handout to 'Big Corn'

This does feel like a Biden special... This is a big handout to Big corn. Yeah. To the corn syrup market. Because Sierra Mist was made with real sugar while Starry uses high fructose corn syrup.

If Connor McDavid doesn't win the Stanley Cup this year, he is a 'bum'

My big bet is gonna be on the Oilers... because I'm sick of you telling me how Connor McDavid's the best athlete in all of sports... this is a personal one-on-one legacy match... If he doesn't win the cup this year, he is a bum.

Taylor Swift is better than Beyonce

Who you got? Taylor Swift or Beyonce? It's Taylor Swift. Easy. Nah, it's so easy. It's all day... No, you guys, girls, no one knows a single Beyonce song, right? Yeah, she's super old. Taylor Swift. Much better vocalist.

The pull-out method is a 100% effective birth control method

This is why the pull-out method's just, it's the best. So much more effective. It's the best. Yeah. Works a hundred percent. You know where the semen's going? Yeah. Never have a problem pulling out. Yeah. You know. Exactly. You can, every last drop of come is accounted for you pull out.

Kyrie Irving is getting better at breaking up franchises in record time

Kyrie skipped his exit interview with the Mavericks. Kyrie decided he was done with the season. So Kyrie kind of just congrats to Kyrie. He's getting better at breaking up franchises in record time.

Patrick Mahomes would not perform well in Kyle Shanahan's highly structured offense

I don't actually think Mahomes would do that well in [Shanahan's offense]... I think it's too structured for Mahomes' play style. [The Chiefs] let him cook more often than not.

I can read defensive progressions at a higher level than half the starting quarterbacks in the NFL

How many NFL teams do you think you could start for now... I believe I can read that progression and deliver a ball that is gonna be completed [better than half the league]... It's the ability to read down the field progressions... I can honestly say that I believe I can read that at that progression and deliver a ball that is gonna be completed.

Villanova should be kicked out of the Blue Bloods to make room for UConn

Welcome to the Blue Blood Club. I think they kick Villanova out, right? And then they move [UConn in].

Christian Yelich is on pace to hit zero home runs this year

Christian Yelich is on pace to hit zero home runs this year. Love to hear it. Fraud. No power in that guy.

Anthony Richardson is a better talent than Cam Newton was at the same age

Anthony Richardson is better than Cam Newton right now... When they were both this age, whatever age they were. Yeah... That SEC wasn't the same as today's SEC? No. It's much harder. It's much harder to win in today's SEC.

Mike McCarthy's body is composed of 90% fart

I said that he [Mike McCarthy] he's 90% fart in that picture. Yeah. His body's just composed the fart. ... if you took, if you did the 23 and me test, it'd be like 10% Irish, 90% fart.

Nate Oats is officially on the hot seat

I think we have to ask the question, is Nate Oats on the hot seat right now? ... I'm officially putting, putting Nate Oats on my hot seat.

Drinking your own piss once a month provides long-term health benefits

I drink my own piss at least once a month. It's supposed to help long-term health benefits. I haven't been sick yet... when you think about it, your lower digestive system gets a lot of piss going through it. But your upper doesn't really get the taste of that.