Takes

The Eagles will win the NFC East

I think the Eagles are the best team in that division. I think they win the division... Jalen Hurts is much better. Last year he was going through his reads, he didn't always get through 'em. Well, now he's going through the progressions and he's getting through 'em.

Trey Lance isn't the guy in San Francisco and Jimmy Garoppolo will take his job back

Bringing Garoppolo back was a hedge. That's what that was. They're not convinced about Trey Lance. I don't believe 'em... If things don't go well for Trey Lance early, then I think you could see Jimmy Garoppolo back in the lineup... if they don't believe in Trey Lance, I think Garoppolo could be back in as the starter.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will disappoint and miss out on winning the NFC South

I think the Bucs are gonna be a little disappointing... I don't think they're gonna win the division... Brady when he has interior pressure... he doesn't move that well. And he really doesn't like it... I think Tampa might be the going in the wrong direction team.

The Buffalo Bills will beat the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl with Josh Allen as MVP

It's the Buffalo Bills beating the Green Bay Packers and Josh Allen will win the MVP... he'll win the MVP. I like one thing though. Just make sure that 13 seconds doesn't blow your chances this time around.

19 of the teams in the NFL blow dick and have no shot of winning any games

I think there's such a disparity between great teams and horses shit teams. I think that 19 of the teams in the NFL blow Dick, they're fucking horrible. They have no shot of winning any games at all... the good teams are gonna be phenomenal and the bad teams are gonna be horrific.

The Detroit Lions will finish the season 1-16

I have the Detroit Lions going 1-15... excuse me 1-16... I'm gonna be rooting against him every fucking game for rest of my life because of Tom Kennedy... fuck them where they bring this scumbag back.

The Panthers will go 10-7 and have a great season

The Panthers? I have 10 and 7. I think they're gonna be great. 10 and 7 for the fucking Panthers? Yeah, that is great. I mean they win, they're winning every game going into the fourth quarter and then they self-destruct. [Baker] Mayfield... McCaffrey... they're gonna be great.

The Kansas City Chiefs will miss the playoffs entirely in 2022

Chiefs 10 and 7 do not make the playoffs. Okay. So fuck the Chiefs. They're the most overrated team ever. They suck.

Matthew Stafford is the best quarterback in the NFL right now

Rams, 14 and 3... they have the best quarterback. If you remember, I said like two years ago, I said that their quarterback was the best quarterback ever and he's just on a shit team. I make him the best quarterback in the NFL right now. People look at me like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. He's the best.

The LA Rams over 10.5 wins is the biggest bet anyone should ever make

Rams over 10 and a half should be the biggest bet anyone's ever made in their life... over 10 and a half on the Rams is stealing money. Stealing cash. I mean, why even talk about it? It's like stealing fucking money.

The Cardinals over 8.5 wins is stealing money

I think the Cardinals to go over eight and a half is stealing money. I have no idea how it's eight and a half. They're a great team. They have a great organization. I don't know why people piss on them. It's a steal. It's stealing money to go eight and a half on.

The Minnesota Vikings will win the NFC North and make it to Championship Sunday

I think the Vikings will be dark horse... I think they're gonna win the NFC North. I think they're gonna make it to championship Sunday... against the Eagles.

You are a scumbag if you don't bet the over on the Bills-Rams season opener

You're scumbag if you don't bet this over... I've been saying the over since they announced the game... I'm taking the over no matter what.

The college football season should start in July

They should start college football season in fucking July because it was like, I just... It was so fun watching just wall to wall college football.

LSU should pay the $80M+ buyout to fire Brian Kelly immediately

It would be somewhere between $75 and $85 million right now to buy out Brian Kelly. I say, go for it, go for it right now. You're just throwing good money after bad.

Gene Chizik should be fired as North Carolina's defensive coordinator

Gene Chizik, like what? He, I don't even know. I, you have to fire him. The fact that it happened [giving up 40 in a quarter] and then the next day Jackson state... shut down [FAMU] and like UNC gave up 24 points to them.

Stetson Bennett would be great on a good NFL team

I'm kind of kind of thinking Stetson Bennett. It might be a pro, even though he's got like the best team around him, he, he looked awesome. Put him on a really good NFL team, then he'll be great.

Cincinnati proved they still belong in the top tier of college football despite losing to Arkansas

I actually think that Cincinnati's loss to Arkansas is better for Cincinnati. Like it proved that they still kind of belong... I think they're still very good. I think that they're like a top 20 team.

Big Ben's podcast will devolve into him ranking the injuries he's played through

I'm sure that it's just gonna devolve into [Ben Roethlisberger] talking about various injuries. It should just be him talking about, I ranking the injuries that he's played through.

Tom Brady will win Gisele back by winning another Super Bowl

I think you have to take the Bucs for the season because if we know anything about Tom Brady, he's like, I'm gonna win her back by winning another Super Bowl.

Serena Williams is definitely not retired

I'd just like to call my shot real quick. She's not, she's not retired. Yeah, definitely not retired. She is not retired.

Georgia is better than they were last year

I think Georgia is better than last year's team. I came into this season, thinking Alabama and Ohio State, one of them is going to win the national title... After what I saw on Saturday, I suddenly think that Georgia's probably right up there with those two.

Bryce Young and C.J. Stroud are the two best quarterbacks in the country

I think [C.J. Stroud] and Bryce Young are the two best quarterbacks in the country. I think that they will be Heisman finalists.

LSU and Florida State are both just mediocre 7-5 or 8-4 teams

Neither of those teams is very good. Like LSU is gonna be seven and five, Florida State's gonna be seven and five, maybe eight and four in the ACC.

Florida is a sleeper to be the second-best team in the SEC East over Tennessee and Kentucky

I feel like people are a little too easily hyping up Tennessee and Kentucky in the off season as like the second best team in the SEC east. I think Florida's very much in play to be that team.

Oklahoma is my dark horse to make the College Football Playoff

I have Oklahoma as my dark horse 1-4 because everyone... write [Georgia, Ohio State, Alabama] in... but what do you think about Oklahoma?

Drake Maye is an upgrade over Sam Howell

I think Drake Maye, their new quarterback, is really good... I think that he's just, he's probably an upgrade over Sam Howell, no offense. I know that he's with your Commanders now, but I think that they've got a better quarterback now.

Clemson freshman Cade Klubnik is a future Hall of Famer after seeing just five passes

This kid for Clemson [Cade Klubnik] is a future Hall of Famer... I've seen five passes from him. Hall of Famer, talking gold jacket folks. Where were you when we said this?

Patrick Mahomes will regret the 10-year contract he signed with the Chiefs

As first reported on Pardon My Take, I think the day that Patrick Mahomes signed his contract, he's going to regret that contract in like three years.

Pitt is overrated heading into the Backyard Brawl

I'm just going to say Pitt's overrated. I think Pit's overrated.

Pitt will win and cover against West Virginia

I think Pitt's going to win and cover. So I guess one of us will look stupid.

The Mets are going to win the World Series

Now it's like, they're going to win. They're going to win the championship. After that [Timmy Trumpet performance], I was like, the Mets are going to win the championship.

The Mets will lose a deciding playoff game during a live Timmy Trumpet performance

I'm seeing a future where in like the second round of the playoffs and in the NLCS they lose the deciding game on a Timmy Trumpet performance... that would be the optimal end for their season.

The Denver Broncos will be an offensive powerhouse in 2022

I believe the Broncos are going to have a pretty epic season. I think it's going to be an offensive powerhouse. I also have a theory about the Broncos because the air is thin up there, they just air it out... and Wilson is just throwing it in the air and the ball travels farther.

Kirk Cousins is poised for a massive season under Kevin O'Connell

I know we have Joe Burrow. I know... Kirk Cousins... You talk a lot about Cousins having a good season and talking about Kevin O'Connell by the way he's being coached by an O'Connell. I think if you, if you have like a seventh pick and he's up there. Yeah. You have to take [him].

The Rams have zero real fans and I will not draft any Rams players

No Rams, no Rams at all. Not one... I live in Los Angeles. I've lived here for over two decades and I have never met a Rams fan ever until about seven months ago. And for example, my agent... he just wants to talk about the Rams with me now. But he wants to talk about it in like an annoying way... It's a town of bandwagons. It just drives me crazy.

San Francisco 49ers fans are the scariest in the NFL

I'm gonna go as far as to say, as the Niners fans are maybe the scariest fans... I work with a gentleman who is a 49ers fan and every Monday morning he's a large man... heavily tattooed. And he just, just every Monday morning he gets in my face... Niners man. So they're a little scary they're fans.

Jalen Hurts is the only player worth drafting from the NFC East

Only Jalen Hurts. No one else in the NFC East, only Jalen... I think he's going to have a good season. Drafted before Joe Burrow, you believe that?

Aidan Hutchinson's entire family is the most impressive and supportive in sports

I would fuck that entire family. They're amazing. They are amazing. They're so supportive. They watch the games. They, they birth and raise NFL players and beauty queens and sign me up. Yeah. Up. My father gave me an addiction gene, like, and, and now debt and this family and I want to be with them physically.

Davis Mills and Brandin Cooks will have a breakout year together

I believe Davis Mills who went to Stanford... Davis Mills and Brandin Cooks could have that Braylon Edwards/Derek Anderson year that no one was expecting. They're super cheap. I love a bargain.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are officially back

The Jags are better. The Jags are back. I like the Jags again. I love Etienne. I think he comes at a bargain. I love Trevor Lawrence and my sleeper this season: Evan Engram.

Tom Kennedy will be cut by the Lions and signed by the New England Patriots

Tom Kennedy is going to be cut and then he's going to be signed by the New England Patriots. Not only does he fit the bill for New England Patriots... Bill Belichick, he opens his eyes, he looks at Tom Kennedy, he's like, that's my next Wes Welker.

Josh Johnson will play for at least two more NFL teams this year

Josh Johnson got cut. He's played on 14 teams now. He'll probably play for at least two more this year. I love the fact that he's the guy that you call when you don't have another guy.

Frosted Flakes are a perfectly average and unexciting cereal

I feel like Frosted Flakes is an okay cereal, but it's just never is anyone's like—does anyone get excited about it? They're perfectly average. Unless they're stale at the continental breakfast.

Raiders' first-round draft picks carry a permanent 'stink' and are high-risk assets

I've always said that even when you're doing a trade with a team like the Raiders, if you're taking their picks, they still have some of the stink of the Raiders on them... giving them more picks is like giving JPP [Jason Pierre-Paul] more fireworks.

The Bears should sign Alex Leatherwood because he's a former first-rounder

I'm not shaming Alex Leatherwood because he is under my first-round theory. The Bears should go get him because he's still a great player... Once he gets to another franchise, then his stock immediately [rises].

Bill Clinton definitely hooked up with Dr. Ruth at the US Open

Bill Clinton was at the US Open too. And he was best term for it—he was noodling with Dr. Ruth. They were getting very close... bill Clinton was getting real horny with Dr. Ruth. And I think he fucked her. I'm going to say he fucked her.

Albert Pujols' late-career home run surge is suspicious and 'not normal'

Albert Pujols, 42 years old. July 4th he was hitting .189. And since then he leads the league in batting average and has like 11 homers. That's totally normal... Why does Sam Querrey not do fucking drugs before he retires? He should have done some fucking Winstrol.

Baker Mayfield will 'fuck up' the Cleveland Browns in Week 1

My hot seat are the Browns. Baker Mayfield... was quoted saying 'I'm going to fuck them up' in regards to the Browns. That's my hot seat Baker.

There is nobody in the world less likely to 'mix in a water' than Dana Beers

I actually think like there's nobody less likely to mix in a water than Dana Beers. Right... he better, he should go on a water strike... he has been for the last 26 years of his life.