Takes

Fans building cup snakes at Wrigley Field are actually doing a favor to the recycling staff

We're talking about cup snakes where people are actually recycling. They're doing a favor to the Wrigley Field staff. They're collecting all the cups for them so they don't have to go around and get them after the game.

Next summer will be even hotter than this year's record-breaking summer

It's the hottest summer ever. That's a fact. Again, it'll be even hotter next year. Next summer.

You don't break habits, you only replace them with new behaviors

People think you break habits. You don't break habits. What you do is replace one behavior with a different behavior.

I would choose to cut off my pinky toe rather than go bald

The little toe doesn't do anything. I'm going to teach you a lesson, Dr. Phil. You ready for this? I would cut off my little toe rather than be bald. 100%. Not even a question.

The sky is actually flat

The sky is flat. The earth's not flat, the sky is. The sky's flat.

I am a personal servant to my dog Stella

I actually am a servant to Stella because every day I wake up and I give her food at the exact same time. And she goes back in bed and hangs out all day. And then I come home and I give her food again.

The Area 51 storming petition is an alien or government setup

This is a setup, though, don't you think? ... The government is trying to get rid of all the people that are like crazy and do theories online. Or is the setup that the aliens have set this up and they're trying to eliminate everyone who believes in aliens.

I can catch a fish with my bare hands in a river in Alaska

If I had a day on a river in Alaska, I could catch a fish with my hands. ... I've been watching a lot of Planet Earth. Their method is not that crazy. ... Give me enough time in Alaska.

If you have a stubborn fart, you should get on all fours like a dog to release it

You know when you've got to really fart bad and you can't and you get on all fours? That's a good position... Someday my son's going to come out and be like, well, dad, why are you on the floor? I got to fart. Son, this is how we fart.

Winning a bet that was a sure loser is an all-time thrill

Winning a bet that was a sure, sure, sure loser. Like dead in the water. You have an over and it comes back out of nowhere. Where you just wrote it off. That is an all-time thrill.

Being a 'koozie guy' is a sign of a weak drinker

This might be a controversial take, but I think I'm anti-koozie. Because maybe I'm just a guy that likes to drink his beer fast enough where you don't need a koozie. Maybe koozie is a crutch for the week. It's a participation trophy for drinking a beer like Aaron Rodgers.

Every NBA player should be allowed to fight one fan per year with no legal consequences

I had the idea every player should get to fight one fan a year. You can call them out and no legal recourse. You don't get arrested. Nothing happens... Once you use it, you lose it.

Cam Newton needs to offer $50,000 for a first-class seat upgrade, not $1,500

Cam Newton offering $1,500 cash to someone sitting in first class on a flight to France. No one ever would do that deal. You have to offer twenty thousand dollars, thirty thousand dollars. Cam Newton is going to make $140 million currently. He has to offer $50,000.

Cursive is an overrated and useless skill

Cursive is overrated. All of our eight-year-old listeners, cursive is [fucking]... You'll never need it again.

Creative people usually peak in their 20s

When I think about creative people, usually those peak years are in those 20s. You know, you're seeing things for the first time, you're experiencing them in new ways and you're reacting.

When you turn 30, you will realize you were an idiot in your 20s

The safest bet in the world is that when you turn 30, you're going to go – Can't believe I thought the way I did about everything. It's not like your political beliefs change or your morals change. It's just... another third of life experience makes you realize like all the shit that I thought was so important [isn't].

You are basically the same person from age 50 to 60

When you're 60, you don't look at a picture of yourself when you're 50 and you're like, oh, I was such a shithead. You're basically the same person at that point.

The guy who looks successful at 23 will be the first to have a midlife crisis

The dude that is looking like they have their shit put together when they're 23, 24 years old, that's the guy that hits the midlife crisis first. That's the guy that wants to get away from it because he grew up too fast.

Happiness must come from within rather than your paycheck

Your happiness has to come from within because if you do start comparing your success and your happiness to paychecks and you're like, I'm making less than my friend. He must be happier than me. That's not accurate. You could be happier making less.

Get in shape before age 30 or you'll be stuck in that shape forever

Getting back, getting in good shape before 30, because once you hit 30, you're in that same shape forever. I'm like a fucking walking poster child that I haven't been able to get back in shape in five years.

Be fat on your wedding day so you look better for the rest of your life by comparison

Some old man gave me advice on that, too. He said, whenever you get married, make sure you're really fat because then that's the one picture that everyone compares you to the rest of your life. Because that's the one picture you put in your house. It's like you on your wedding day with your wife. And so when you're walking by, they're like, damn.

Never skimp on items between you and the ground

I also subscribe to the theory of not skimping on things... That are in between you and the ground. So like tires and shoes and mattresses. And anything that separates you from the ground, don't be afraid to spend a little more on it.

Blue suits will be out of style in two years

I think in two years, everybody's been looking at their closet going, why do I have seven different blue suits? So I would get out of the blue suit game right now.

I can probably bench 350 pounds now because of dad strength

I want to do like a full study on whether dad strength is a real thing. 350 probably. I'm going to throw that out there. 350. I'd say dad strength is a thing.

The 'Dad Bod' trend is a total lie

Dad bod is such a lie... You love Seth Rogen because he's so funny and he gets high and he makes funny movies. That's not what every other dad bod [is]. We're dad bods because we're lazy and we're grumpy and we suck. At everything.

A cross breeze is better than using air conditioning

Listen, son. You can just open up the windows on both sides. You get a great cross breeze through the house. It's the same thing as having AC on. ... Cross breeze is better than the AC.

Doing LSD with your parents is a high-risk, low-reward proposition

If you do LSD with your parents, your ceiling is having not a bad time... Your basement, your floor is freaking out and irreparably damaging your relationship with your parents.

Sports fans are, by definition, not well-adjusted human beings

If you are a fan of any team, any sport, and you think your fan base doesn't have bad moments, you're crazy. Because literally, step one of being a fan, it's fanatic. Sports fans, by definition, are not well-adjusted human beings.

Having sex with the lights on is 'awesome'

No, having sex with lights on is awesome... I like the lights on. I think it's great. So much hotter with the lights on.

Motherfucker is the most versatile word in the English language

My favorite curse word is probably motherfucker, yeah. Because I use it for a lot of different things... You can mother fuck somebody if you're mad. Or you can describe a person as, you know the motherfucker I'm talking about. Or you can say, oh man, that shit's a motherfucker, meaning it's really great shit.

Dodgeball is a great game and researchers shouldn't overthink its 'oppressive' nature

I kind of disagree with [the research]. I feel like physical education should just be like, play a bunch of shitty games, don't have to be in class for an hour, and don't overthink it. It's just a game that you just fucking pass the time with when you're shitty gym teachers like here just throw balls at each other.

Life skills like gambling and buying weed teach more math than school classes

I've learned 50 times as much math from gambling and smoking weed and buying weed than I ever did in any sort of math class.

If you own $500,000 worth of any singular product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it

I actually have a theory that if you own $500,000 worth of any product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it. ... But any singular product. ... Like Dwight Howard's snakes.

Human civilization is highly likely to end by the year 2050

So good old science came out with a report today, and it said that it's highly likely that human civilization will end in 2050.

Opioids are far more addictive and dangerous than marijuana

For everyone out there, opioids are way, way more addictive and bad for you than marijuana.

I am officially quitting the Juul and invite fans to slap me if they catch me using it

I'm also quitting Juul, which is official... If you catch me Juuling, slap me. If you see me with that motherfucking thing on me, slap me right in my jaw.

I agree with Scottie Pippen's decision to sue a five-year-old for drawing on his walls

Scottie Pippen... he's suing a five-year-old. But I read it, and I actually agree with him. So essentially... the people trashed the house, and part of the trashing of the house was someone took crayons to all the walls, and it was most likely a five-year-old. So boom, you're getting sued. I like that.

Intermittent fasting is the easiest thing in the world

No, [intermittent fasting] is the easiest thing in the world... You just don't eat for longer in the morning and a little bit longer before bed... you have 12 hours that you should not eat throughout the day. During your nighttime sleep cycle, say you have your dinner and your dinner ends at 7 p.m., you should not have anything in your body except water.

I can get Big Cat a six-pack in one summer of training

If you come and spend a summer out here in Cali, how about I could show you guys? [Can you get me shredded in a summer?] Yeah. [Six-pack?] In a summer of training? Yeah.

Lacrosse and baseball should make goals worth more points to make the final score look cooler

You know what they really need to do in lacrosse? They need to make the goals worth more than one point. It's an easy fix for baseball, too, if you want to draw more attention to your sport. Like in football, a touchdown is really one score, but it's worth six, which makes the final score look so much cooler. In lacrosse, if every goal was worth five points and the final score was 100 to 98.

Illinois is a second-tier state because it's only Chicago and bad weather

I put Illinois in my second tier as a state just because I like the city of Chicago in the summertime. But people are big mad. Apparently, Illinois is not a well-liked state even by people that live inside of Illinois... Illinois is never going to be on the same level as California's, the Florida's, the Hawaii's.

I bought a $160,000 Tesla so I would be forced to quit dipping

So the plan was to buy a Tesla so that I could quit dipping because then I wouldn't have to go to the gas station anymore. So now I just go to the gas station just to buy dip.

If you can't chug a beer in the state of Wisconsin, you should be excommunicated

There's actually no state worse to be in and not be able to chug a beer than the state of Wisconsin. If you can't chug a beer in the state of Wisconsin, you've got to get out instantly.

Nursing school graduation is a second-tier event that doesn't require a video recording

Should I be mad at my boyfriend for not videoing me walk across the stage at my nursing school graduation? No. Nursing school, that means it's probably your second graduation, right? So you probably already had a degree. Maybe if you were a doctor [it would matter].

I will never cord-cut because streaming sports is too unreliable

I have so many boxes... my cable bill is like probably $400 a month. I watched a bowl game with [a friend] two years ago... It buffered so many fucking times. I had money on the game, and I was sitting there like, what is happening right now? I could never cord cut.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

I would rather be a zombie than be canceled

We're going to all cancel each other until we're the army of the dead. And I'm okay with that. I'm on the record being fine with being a zombie army. You don't have a lot to worry about when you're literally dead.

April has the worst weather of any month because of its inconsistency

April has the worst weather of any month... Because you can't fucking plan for it. It's cold. It's still the winter. Then it's hot. Then it's cold again. Then it rains... I would rather at least know January's going to suck no matter what.

Modern weed has become too good and it actually sucks now

My first personal Fyre Fest is weed. Just pot. I don't like smoking really good weed. I think really good weed has gotten so good that it sucks. I like nice, kind bud. Like a decent KB is what I'm about. If you give me something... orange crystals... I'm like, no, I don't want to smoke that because I'm going to feel like I'm on the moon and I don't want to be on the moon. I want to be like in the clouds.

Neil Armstrong is a more significant Purdue alum than I am

I'd say that's pretty significant, though, what Neil Armstrong accomplished. So I'd have to put him up there [above me].