Takes

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time

Joey Chestnut is the greatest American that has ever lived. One of the greatest athletes of all time. And I think we can confidently say that he is the greatest eater, the greatest human eater of all time... He is the greatest athlete of all time, in my opinion.

I would be the best in the world at any profession I chose to obsess over

I believe whatever I did, I would be the best at, just because I only want to be the best... I wanted to be at one point in my life thinking I wanted to be, you know, I'm a Navy pilot. I mean, I would have been the best because I would have been so obsessed with it. I wanted to be, you know, a crime fighter. I mean, I put every bad guy in jail because I'd be the best.

Wednesday is the worst night of the week for an adult to get drunk

I learned when I was like 34 years old to never, ever drink on a Wednesday. Wednesday is the worst night of the week to get drunk on by far... Thursday is a wash, Friday you're stricken with panic. You can't even enjoy your Friday cause you're trying to catch up on everything that you missed on Thursday.

Monday is the worst night of the week to drink

Doing anything bad to your body on a Monday is just like a killer way to start off a week. Like it will just completely bare... I still think Monday would be the worst. I think if you start, if you really drunk on Monday night, your whole week is fucked. You're just fucked.

Nuclear-powered 'air cruises' are fake and would definitely crash

It's a plane cruise. Yeah. It's like a massive, massive, massive, bigger than whatever name like four aircraft carriers... 20 electric engines powered by nuclear fusion. I'm just going to say this. If this is real, I will absolutely laugh when it crashes and everyone dies. There's no way to test fly this until you actually make the real thing.

Neon is officially back this summer

I feel like this summer neon is back. The eighties are coming back. Like for real, it's going to be crazy... I do think that this is the summer where everyone's like, man, finally COVID is over. We're going to do neon now. And look, it's been enough time where you can look at us. Neon looks good if you have a tan, it just does.

American arrogance is just a statement of fact because we are the best

Just arrogance is American. Well, we're the best. Is it arrogance? If you just know that you're the best or is it a statement of fact? Yeah. It's actually being humble because we don't say how good we are all the time when we could. Yeah. Winning. Winning is American.

Your dependency on coffee becomes absolute after age 30

Your dependency on coffee after you turn the age of 30... You're thinking you're taking on more responsibilities, whether it's with work, whether it's the fact that you have a family, you know, if you have kids, you gotta be cranking at least four or five cups a day, even to just get your fucking day started.

Hangovers become two-to-three day events after you turn 35

Overall, dude, I cannot, cannot go out if I have something to do the next day... if I'm up till two in the morning drinking, I'm actually done for like two to three days. Oh... Monday, you're a terrible Tuesday. It creeps in and then Wednesday, you're not hung over. You just don't feel right.

Watching athletes who are younger than you is demoralizing

When you get past your thirties, something that really sucks is all the athletes you're watching are younger than you. And being like, like you start calling athletes, kid, and like, shit like that, where you're like, oh, okay. Like Luca Doncic is like 13 years younger than me. Like that shit just like, kind of fucks you up.

Your sex drive takes a significant hit after 30

I think this is the obvious one sex drive. After the age of the guy. You don't want to hump. I'm not. I feel like just wearing like new balances... I just, I dunno, I just like, I'd rather just fucking not do it.

Using subtitles and needing the volume lower becomes mandatory in your 30s

I watch everything in subtitles now... I had to ask the DJ to turn the music down a little bit because I couldn't hear people talk. Cause like I was trying to have a conversation. I was like, this is just too loud. So just the sound and like subtitles, like all that shit changes.

Losing weight becomes functionally impossible after age 30

I can't lose weight... metabolism. I, I can't just be like, oh, I'm going to eat a salad for four days in a row and lose 10 pounds. That doesn't happen anymore.

Jerking off is low-key gay

One, one is jerking off so easily. You're literally touching... Constantly touching it... Looking at it. Caressing it... You look forward to it.

American sports stadiums need more unison crowd singing

SVP pointed out like we, as Americans have missed, like why did we miss the singing as a crowd phenomenon at sports events? Because it is instant chills no matter what... why did we miss the boat? We need more singing in stadiums.

Billy Football has taken his position for granted and needed a suspension

I think Billy is very entertaining... The problem that I see going forward right now is that Billy has taken advantage of this show... and it reached a tipping point... because he didn't come to work. He was drunk and he didn't come to work... he is a weird combination of him kind of being entitled and kind of taking for granted the spot he's sitting in.

Never name a dog after a sports figure who hasn't already secured a Hall of Fame legacy

Never name your dogs after sports figures that aren't Hall of Famers... maybe don't name him after a player unless he's been at least two or three All-Star games. That's a good little rule of thumb.

The Squatty Potty is the medically superior way to defecate because of human evolution

I got it, bro. I got it. Okay. This is not a plug, but a Squatty potty... We sit regular, right? And that messes up our bowel movements. Right? So if he's leaning for a while... it could be coming out the wrong angle, but the Squatty potty lifts your knees to your chest. And the angles is downward. That's how we evolved to actually defecate.

If Steph Curry wins MVP and loses the Finals, I will go on a carnivore-only diet

If Steph Curry wins, I'm going carnivore diet only... only meat, only.

The person who wakes up earliest should sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door

The answer should always be that the person that has to wake up first in the morning, they sleep closer to the door. So you don't have to like walk around the other person.

Aaron Rodgers is absolutely miserable to be around

I did have multiple tweets from unbiased people saying that Aaron Rodgers is absolutely miserable to be around because he, he was the least talking above the group. He was surly. He was Aaron Rodgers... Aaron Rodgers is just, he just went for a paycheck, fucking shark.

Everyone should hate their fantasy sports commissioner

I contend like everyone should hate their commissioner. That's the role of the commissioner. So I think that like Mike trout, if he's the commissioner he had to know this day was coming, that he was gonna get shit on for not running a tighter ship.

Sneezing in public is one of the most taboo and awkward things you can do

Sneezing in public has gotta be like the most awkward... oh it's so taboo now. And it always was taboo with it's really when you're driving, I think it's super dangerous... But there's nothing you can do. Like you can try to hold it in. But when you have allergies... there's nothing.

If I eat vegan for a month, soy will give me tits

Do you think there's a chance that the soil will make your hands even softer? No. They're going to give me tits. Like you— [inaudible].

The world ended in 2016 and we are currently in an afterlife simulation

There's a theory out there that the world ended in 2016. When that [Large Hadron Collider] opened up a massive black hole on earth and everything got sucked into it. And so everything you've experienced since then has been your particular version of heaven or hell, depending on if you were good or not prior to 2016.

A pro athlete who slaps another man over fantasy football needs to chill out

If you're a professional athlete. If you're, if you're playing for so much money that you have to slap another man, maybe take a step back and be like, this might not be for me.

I have harder and tougher hands than Billy Football

I honestly I'll I'll like disavow my own title. I have stronger and tougher hands than [Billy Football]. I don't want the title. I don't want the belt. Admitting I have soft hands... they're soft. But you don't have hard hands. You are not as tough as you think you are.

Modern sports fans care more about a championship 'window' than actually winning titles

It's almost sports has become almost about the window than winning the title. We should just change to be like fans of windows. If the bills don't win a Super Bowl with Josh Allen, we'll be like, but they had the window.

East Coast people have a better bullshit detector than people in Los Angeles

I think I have a pretty good read on, I mean, being from the East Coast, like you can kind of call bullshit, I think better than most people can. So like, my whole thing is like out here, like you bump into someone and you're like, 'Hey, fuck you.' Then it's over. Like LA you bump into someone and then they fucking email you a list of reasons why they need to understand why.

The PMT office 'jeans ripping' trend will end in a legitimate fight

We've found ourselves into a jeans ripping problem on this podcast... It's going to end poorly. I don't know how it's going to end, but I just know that no one's going to be happy and we're going to get into a small fight about it. And then it's going to be no more pants ripping.

The 'no phone case' lifestyle is a gamble that makes every day more thrilling

A lot of people would be like, 'oh, you don't have a case because you have money.' I wrote that blog in like 2013 when I had just, I was smashing phones left and right. And it costs me a lot of money. I so I've been no case for a very long time. It is not a money thing. It's just a thrill thing. It's a gamble. Every day when you wake up knowing this could be the last day of your phone.

Caucasians have only been on the planet for 6,000 years and were originally cave dwellers

Black people have been on the planet for 16,000 years. They say the Caucasian has only been on the planet for 6,000 years... light hair, light color, skin, light eyes, obviously a cave dweller. And it's because you had to come from you couldn't deal with the sun, your nose was elongated because it was cold.

A bone bruise stings at first but then you are fine because bones don't move

Yeah, no, like a bone bruise. Just like stings at first. ... And then it's like, it's a bone, so it doesn't really move. So it's like not really sore. So just to go with it. ... bones move, but muscles are moving the bone, the bone doesn't actually move

There might be as few as one intelligent civilization per galaxy

I think there's a good argument that there might be a very few of those. And actually there's a reasonable argument we might assume there's about one per galaxy on average, any one time, which means that we're it.

The word 'pal' is the most disrespectful thing you can call someone

I'd rather get slapped in the face. I'd rather get some, somebody spit in my face too. And then pal me. It's like... basically giving me a hug opposed to what's up pal. Can you pass a salt? Okay pal. You're just like, no problem pal. Ruins dinner.

Unspayed ferrets will die if they do not get pregnant

Unspayed ferrets will die if they don't get pregnant. Die of stress.

Getting hit in the nuts is worse than childbirth

Women don't realize that childbirth is not that hard when you've gotten hit in the nuts. Your balls feel like they're going to explode and your stomach feels like it's going to cave inside of itself. It's like having all of your periods at once.

Small dogs like poodles and Australian Shepherds are terrible domestic house dogs

Little dogs are the worst. All these people, they get these little Australian Shepherds that are not good domestic dogs. They are shepherds. And then they get poodles too and different little poodle mixes and they're hunting dogs and they have them running around as though they're like supposed to be nice house dogs, but they are literal hunting dogs.

Once you hit your 30s, you are never going to experience ten days with no pain

The rule is 10 days with no pain [for Ben Simmons to return]. I got news for you, buddy. Once you hit your thirties, you're never going to experience 10 days with no pain. It's just constant pain.

Bill Gates could not hit a slow-pitch softball

Do you think Bill Gates could hit a slow pitch softball? No, that makes me feel good. No. ... Let me let me get a little fucking 10, 10 foot arch on his ass. He won't, he won't be able to hit that.

It is okay to be a 'casual' fan who hops between sports during busy seasons

I'm okay with this. I think we as sports fans in a sports podcast, we need to normalize the fact that there's a lot of sports on and the experts in each field trying to shame the true sports guys like ourselves. I'm sick of it... I'm a casual. It's okay for us to hop from sport to sport.

The best way to make new friends in your thirties is to try to blow them

Just to put a button on it, try and blow them... Try blowing dudes. And you'll be blessed.

Bigfoot is currently in the state of Ohio

My last who's back is big foot. There's been pictures of a big foot sighting... I've tracked it down to Ohio. There was some Bama people claiming that they found them in Bama... but I just want to correct it and let you know that Bigfoot is currently in Ohio.

Men have an innate psychological need for physical 'adventures' like digging holes

I think that like, as we're growing up, I was under the assumption that I would have just non-stop adventures. And I think that guys just need adventures sometimes. It sounds like he's found his adventure, which we should be applauding... guys will literally dig a giant hole in their backyard for years at a time, instead of going to therapy.

Philadelphia is the number one sports town in America

Philadelphia might be my number one sports town. It's like the rules surrounding Harambe's cage: Do not approach. Do not try to pet. If you do, bad things will happen. So you should know that the second you enter the Philadelphia city limits.

You can't trust anyone who owns a snake as a pet

I have a longstanding theory that like, if you can't trust anyone who owns a snake as a pet and that's biblical, like the snake is bro snake showed up on what day seven and was in fucked everything up.

Every guy from Dallas looks like a 35-year-old accountant when they are only 25

He just reminds me of every dude I've ever met from the Dallas, Texas kind of area where it's like you're 25, but you look like you're 35 and you got married when you were 23 and you just got your shit together better. He looks like a medium good accountant that's pretty good at golf.

The object in the Alaska sky was a UFO shot out of the sky by the government

Many are saying that it might've been a UFO that was shot out of the street that they don't want us to know about. But the government is saying it was just a contrail. I think it has a lot to do with it. Something's going on.

Dilaudid is the greatest thing I've ever experienced

Dilaudid... That is the greatest thing I've ever experienced. I mean, it was really... that shit is amazing. I mean, that's medical heroin and it makes you want to try heroin. It's so good.

Men avoid laughing at comedy because they don't want to surrender control of their consciousness

Tough guys never dance and tough guys often don't like laughing. They don't like comedy. If I'm doing comedy and there's someone in the front row with their arms crossed and they're daring me to invade them... it's because they don't want to give you control of their consciousness. Women tend to be more okay with giving you the control.