Takes

I think Ronnie Coleman was clean because you've got to believe in something

I think Ronnie Coleman was clean. Bro, you got to believe in something. Ronnie Coleman's a hero.

It is healthy for men to have rivals or grudges to drive them every day

I honestly don't – I think this guy is actually the most well-adjusted adult I've ever heard. ... But having a grudge and having a foe that you wake up in the morning, you're like, Fuck that guy. It's healthy. ... Having something to drive you every single day is healthy.

Children can't lie

I would like to speak to the children? Children can't lie. Okay?

Judas belongs on the Mount Flushmore of worst teammates of all time

I'm going to go with Judas. I consider Judas to be a teammate. Sold out Jesus. All about the contract situation. Really fucked things up for the rest of the world because he was so selfish.

Murder Hornets are not a threat to humans and people should be more worried about Africanized Bees

Murder Hornets are not a problem. The Africanized bees, on the other hand, have been killing more people per capita in the U.S. already... selfies are more dangerous than the murder hornets to the Chinese.

The 'Free Fire' play is the secret to a dominant defense in NCAA Football 14

Free fire, the one with the Mike and Will blitzing every single time. The Will comes free in the big gap every single time, and you just play man-to-man... The linebacker on the right side in the B gap comes through every time. I'm telling you. That was my secret.

The best offensive strategy in NCAA Football 14 is running Four Verticals and audibling to stops if the corners play off

Call four verticals every single play, and if the corners are playing off, just change it audible to a stop, and you get completion every single time.

McDonald's has the champagne of straws

The McDonald's straws was different. I felt like the 7-Elevens or the Big Gulps... the texture was different. McDonald's straws just look cool. They look swaggy... yeah, that's a champagne of straws.

The PT Cruiser is an objectively terrible car

Right off the bat, PT Cruiser. Easy. Bad car.

You shouldn't own a Jeep Wrangler unless you actually go off-roading

Unless you live on the beach and are doing off-roading on a fairly average basis, you shouldn't have a Jeep Wrangler. If you have a Jeep Wrangler in Massachusetts... you're not getting the use out of it that you need to. You're just doing it for a status symbol.

Driving a Ford Ranger means you have no friends

The Ranger is good for nothing except helping your friends move. That's it. If you drive a Ranger, you're telling me, I don't have friends. I'm looking for play dates so badly that I will do your chores for you.

White Volkswagen Jettas are strictly for drug dealers and girlfriends

White Jetta is just your girlfriend's car. Or a high school drug dealer. Like, hey, this isn't expensive but it's kind of nice... I would actually say that probably 33% of Pardon My Take listeners have either dated a girl that drives a Jetta or bought marijuana from somebody that drives a Jetta.

Murder Hornets are not a real threat because anything you can kill with a newspaper is not a problem

I'm officially done with being swayed by the Murder Hornet... fuck the Murder Hornet. If I can kill something with a newspaper, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. I'd rather be Mike Tyson's trainer or stuck in a room with one single Murder Hornet, I'd drive the Murder Hornet, I'd fuck the Murder Hornet up.

My 'Crisis Fuel' supplement will provide enough energy and mass to survive 40 days in a wildfire or pandemic

I developed a proprietary blend... it's like 2,000 calories a punch. It's protein, carbs, good additive, cornstarch to it... if there's a wildfire approaching your house, screw the food, grab your 10-gallon bucket of Crisis Fuel which is all powder and a bunch of water, throwing your car, you have enough meals for 40 days.

Animals likely understand everything we say but are collectively choosing to ignore us

What if all the animals actually understood what we were saying but just just ignoring us... like the minute they figure out that we know shit's gonna get crazy and they can't talk back.

There should be a '23andMe' for old clothes to find out where they went

Why [isn't there] the 23andMe for your old clothes? You'll be session like I had to just awesome sweatshirt 15 years ago... I wouldn't have thrown that away. But where is it?

If you don't believe aliens exist, you are an idiot

if you don't think that aliens exist your fucking moron. What does it like that seems like such an obvious thing. I guess. He's more passionate about it, but I would say the people who are like, oh, yeah, there's no aliens there there the idiots.

The first blast of air conditioning on a super hot day is a top-tier life victory

the first first time you step inside and feel that blast of air conditioning on a super hot day... it just it feels like heaven just had on washes over you.

Contracting toxoplasmosis from cats will make you a fearless 'Berserker' warrior

45% of the population has this parasite called toxoplasmosis that comes from cat feces... it makes mice not fear predators so they just wander on and then the cats eat it... I want to be fearless. The Berserker cult has to contract toxoplasmosis and we'll all just be fearless Berserker warriors... when I contract toxoplasmosis, I will be an absolute fearless warrior and it will be sick.

I'm afraid of being the person walking past a musician in a viral video

My first one is being in a viral video of musicians on the subway... every time I see a musician in the subway, I'll just stand there for at least like 30 seconds. Just so I'm not one of the people in the video where it's like look at this guy, Paul McCartney playing and you just went right by.

I'm afraid the entire world is just a Matrix simulation

I'm afraid that this entire world like us sitting here right now is just an imagination of one huge species... every now and then I'm like, we're definitely in The Matrix and none of this is real. None of it. The last year has been very strong evidence.

The T-Rex is an absolute fraud of a dinosaur

T-Rex is an absolute fraud. We got Giganotosaurus, that's like the alpha of all the roars. It's just basically T-Rex with functional arms but like four times as big. Looks like a dragon.

South Dakota is the most unremarkable state in America

The most unremarkable State I don't even know if we have a listener here. If we do have a listener here tweet us. We'd love to hear from the listeners in the great state of South Dakota. who the fuck cares

Mississippi is a miserable place and a no-brainer for Mount Flushmore

An absolute no-brainer a few years ago. I did a a college tour... every state had a great time in pretty much all of them. The only one that was a bad time. Just a miserable place to be Mississippi. Oh, wow.

Delaware is only known for tax shelters and Joe Biden's corpse

Delaware number one a number one Delaware. What is in Delaware? Those people are tax. They've got a heart attack... all that's in Delaware is I guess Joe Biden's corpse and those weird tax companies credit card companies.

New York would be nice if it wasn't for the 80% of the population that is here

I will go with the state. We're all in right now, New York. Wooohooo! York State the Big Apple... since this quarantine is started... you realize a New York could be nice if like 80% of the population, which is All the time because like walking around during quarantine. It's nice.

Oklahoma is the JV version of Texas and robbed the world of the SuperSonics

Oklahoma... I don't really like the JV Texas. It's JV Texas tornadoes really suck. And also I'll be honest... I still feel like the The Thunder have blood on their hands for robbing the world of the SuperSonics.

Digging up old draft prospect tweets is the lamest thing you can do

I actually think there's nothing lamer than plotting ahead and trying to fuck up the biggest night of somebody's life because they had some weird tweets... if you're 13 and you're not tweeting out crazy stuff, you're not taking enough chances.

Church is one of the worst places to be drunk

My number one, I'll go with... Church. If you just like taking sacrament too many times, blood of Jesus. You're the biggest lightweight of all time and you're an embarrassment.

Bigfoot is a prehistoric ape called Gigantopithecus that hides its tracks by burying its dead

There's actually a giant ape, a prehistoric ape called gigantopithecus... If they were burying their dead, it means that they have ways to cover up their tracks. So if they like kept going on this, they could definitely figure out ways to like totally avoid humans at all costs like secret tunnels and stuff under the woods.

There are alligators living in the New York City sewers

New York city sewer gators... they brought them home, they then saw that they were getting way too big or they got bored of them and were flushing down the toilet. They're all the New York City sewers eating giant rats. They're actually down there because it's super hot during the winter, it's super cool during the summer. Confirmed.

Donating blood and platelets frequently is like an oil change for the body

I like the idea of donating my blood more frequently because it's like a car oil change, right? Yeah, like if my body if I'm walking around with old blood then I'm going to act sluggish. It's not going to be as efficient. But if I give a bunch of my blood, the new blood's better.

March usually has 30 days, but this year it had 31 just to punish us for the lack of basketball

March was awful... You cannot convince me that March is normally 31 days. That's your shit. March is usually 30 and this year it was 31 just like twist that knife and to be like, there's no basketball, there's nothing going on.

I will bike around the perimeter of Manhattan in under 3 hours and 15 minutes

The perimeter of Manhattan, it's a about a three-hour bike ride. Okay. Now there are some places. I don't know which streets to take exactly. So I'm going to I'm going to give myself three hours 15 minutes. Okay to get around the island of Manhattan.

There has never been a better time to get a cold sore than during the quarantine

How about this for positivity? There's never been a better time to get a cold sore. I'm just saying that if you do get cold sores now is like you're hitting the lottery if you get one you don't have to go into work for a couple weeks, no one's ever going to know.

Global dimming will cause a short-term increase in global warming this summer

There's something called global dimming which is the effect that aerosol and all those little particles have... It actually protects us a little bit from the sun's rays and makes the earth a little bit cooler because we put so much shit into the atmosphere now that all that's dipping down. It's actually going to increase the short-term effect of global warming, so we're doubly fucked.

Robert Kraft's mask donation should be treated as a good deed regardless of his politics

I just feel like we're at the point in time where it's like any good deed that can help the greater cause here, let's just let it be a good deed. What's especially egregious considering that he could go right down the street to Chris Sale and be like, 'Hey Chris, can you cut up some more MLB jerseys to Masks?'

Bats are the worst animal because they take away things like March Madness

I'm gonna win the strap with first pick because it's the number one most Wanted animal in the world right now his ruined the entire world. It's bats. Bats fucking suck. Fuck bats. ... Secondary take away March Madness. Don't do ecosystems... I will never forget that we didn't get March Madness in 2020.

I could take a boa constrictor in a wrestling match

I think I could take a boa constrictor. I don't think a boa constrictor could take down like a fucking well... I just punch it in its brain over and over. I would you kick a boa constrictor up doesn't have to take down a boa constrictor our python an anaconda might get you.

I am officially cancelling all sports until 2022 to avoid further heartbreak

I'm approaching [cancellations] the exact opposite way. I am cancelled sports for 2020, 2021 and possibly 2022 and anything that we get that comes sooner than that is a bonus. I'm not gonna let myself get my heart broken over and over... the world has ended and sports are over.

Bears in zoos do not hibernate because they have constant access to food and warmth

Animals in zoos do not hibernate. Bears in zoos don't hibernate if they have plenty of food and water and warmth. They don't hibernate. Hibernation is only in a state of cold.

Bears recycle their urine and feces into carbohydrates while they hibernate

They recycle their poop and pee while they hibernate... we don't poop and they turn it into more carbohydrates while they hibernate.

The US government should issue medals to everyone staying inside for quarantine

They should mail us medals for staying inside because we are saving lives. Great generation. This is our D-Day. They should just ship us as you create a new type of life-saving medal from the US government and send us like one every week so we can pin them to our shirts walk around feel good about it.

Owning a tiger is a drug no different than smoking crack

I actually think that being around these animals is a drug... you get addicted to the rush of these awesome animals that kill you, but you don't think they can kill you because they grow up around you. Having a tiger in my opinion is no different than smoking crack for the first time. It's cool, I'm sure it feels great.

I will not get the coronavirus because my resistance level is too high

My resistance level is very high. I ain't gonna get no coronavirus man. Last time I got sick I was in kindergarten.

Gen Z has the potential to be one of the greatest generations by combatting the COVID pandemic

I think we have the potential to be one of the greatest Generations looking at historical context... I think we have the potential if we really deal with this virus, we combat it... we can celebrate but right now we got to make the we got to do the blocking and tackling to get it done.

Young people are not invulnerable to COVID-19 and must help protect the elderly

No one's invulnerable. But even if you are doing very well, you have to be a very important part of our national effort to contain the outbreak but importantly to protect the young individuals. . . This isn't something that can be successful without you.

Recovering from the virus likely provides immunity for a prolonged period

For the most part once you're infected with a particular virus the next time you get exposed if you've recovered from that virus you're protected. . . You can have herd immunity, which means the virus doesn't have a lot of places to go because most of the people in the population are protected.

Developing a safe vaccine will take at least a year to a year and a half

Safety is paramount. . . We really are on a very very fast track to get a vaccine. But even on the fastest track, it's going to take a year to a year and a half.

The virus could potentially resolve within 8 to 10 weeks if mitigation is successful

In this case for China, it was somewhere between 8 and 10 weeks. That doesn't mean that we're going to have to be doing this for that long period of time... Hopefully if we really carefully and successfully implement these mitigation strategies... we may be able to cut that time down.