Takes

The sports void will feel better once the usual March Madness window passes

I think it will get better after two weeks when we aren't in the March Madness Zone, but Thursday morning. I'm going to need you all to text me and check in check in with your friends, because that's going to be a tough one for me to wake up.

I still do not respect the Coronavirus

I still don't respect the virus. It's like a Ravens Steelers thing, like no love lost. I hate it so much. I want to beat the fuck out of it. It doesn't sound serious and I'm encouraging everybody to do everything that they can... but I still don't respect the virus.

Good health is more important than success, money, or power

Hyman Roth when you think about everything was a hundred percent correct. Good health is the most important thing more than success more than money more than power. If you have your health, you got it all.

My recent gambling hot streak was the best of my life

I have never been hotter as a gambler in my entire life, 20 years of gambling, than I have been in the last three weeks and Coronavirus stopped it all. I honestly have two losing days in the last 21 days.

Intentionally contracting coronavirus is healthier than a normal March Madness routine

I think that intentionally contracting coronavirus at the start of March Madness is probably healthier on our bodies than what we normally do to it during March Madness, which is just live off nothing but chicken wings and delicious, copious amounts of Michelob Ultra.

The butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through

I think the—let's be honest—the butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through.

People who never change their car or microwave clocks are 'True Time Warriors'

Every single year. It's like who are the true time Warriors out there that don't change their clocks and the cars are there microwaves or they're already out on your wrist.

Daylight Savings Time adds an hour of sun to the day

Hank thinks we've added an hour of sun with the change we have. [Hank:] We have an extra hour of sun this afternoon. Correct.

Chugging Tito's Vodka can help prevent Coronavirus

I think it's a bitch. I'm going to chug. I think I saw some people that were making their own hand sanitizer out of Tito's vodka and like aloe vera. Okay, so I think if you stay drunk then it's going to kill all the incoming virus and it won't be able to attach ourselves. Right? This is alcohol is an anti. Yeah antiviral.

Wearing a 'PMT Karate Black Belt' shirt is the ultimate life hack to avoid fights

I have an idea it dawned on me... we are going to start PMT karate and sell the shirt... you according to us. We are the heads of PMT. Karate you listening right now. You have a black belt. Yeah, so you are not stealing Valor... No one will fight you. That's the whole point of wearing the shirt.

You are an idiot if you don't get Botox once you turn 40 and have money

I think what I think if you make a certain amount of money, you'd be an idiot not to get BOTOX if you turn 40 dude, if I was rich... I'd look strong know all these word. That's the whole point of being rich as you can take shortcuts on Life.

Hollywood marriages don't fail more often than normal marriages; we just hear about them more

Nobody has ever convinced me that marriages have a shorter shelf life in Hollywood than they do anywhere else. Let's face it. Marriage just doesn't work for most people... I haven't seen the statistics that indicate that it's any worse for celebrities; it's just that we hear about [them].

Coronavirus is an overrated, fraud of a disease

It's a bitch little disease... I agree. We called it out as being a fraud being overrated last week. I'm not I'm not changing that up... I'm not convinced about this Corona thing. I'll take coronavirus to the face right now.

I am officially done disrespecting the Coronavirus and now respect it

I actually I am standing up right now and saying I respect coronavirus. I'm done disrespecting. I'm not I'm putting a respectful thing to her fraud... I am respecting coronavirus.

Coronavirus is an overrated threat with a 'trash' mortality rate

I would say that the Corona virus is overrated because it only has a two percent mortality rate, which frankly is trash like 2% get Okay, and I would I would honestly get coronavirus just for the content. I think it would be a good addition to the show.

Coronavirus is currently a solid 8-seed in the 'Who's Now' bracket

I'll say it to you this way in my who's now bracket. The Corona virus is a solid eight seed.

Winning a foot race against your girlfriend is a lose-lose situation

I don't care how much gloating she was doing before the fact if you beat your girlfriend and a foot race, and then you're like, yes suck it bitch. I'm faster than you. That's probably going to end your relationship. So you almost have to throw it.

Short guys wearing high heels is an alpha move compared to wearing lifts

If you wore lifts in your in your shoes. That's a clown move if you were heels, that's a I'm so confident in myself. I don't give a fuck. It's an alpha move, right? I will dress up as a woman Checkmate and be six feet tall Checkmate.

No one is in a committed relationship at the Jersey Shore during summer

Here's the thing about the Jersey Shore is you fall in love with clubs. You don't fall in love with other people... No one's in a relationship at the Jersey Shore, or inside of a Real World house.

Always bet against cold-weather teams when they play in Miami

I've had a long-standing theory that any team from a cold-weather city or a city that's going through cold weather whenever they go to Miami bet against him. Yeah, of course and I mean, it's doubly true when you can see you can literally go on Instagram and see them at the game having a great time.

You aren't in your mid-30s until you're 36

I'm just going to make a motion that your mid-30s doesn't start until you're 36. You're in your early 30s when you're 35.

Lanyards are the key to getting into any event

When you have a lanyard, people think you mean something. Like that was really the big key because I flashed it. When you flash a lanyard, people are like, well, that guy knows what he's doing.

I am officially 5'10"

All I wanted from that interaction [with police] at the time was just to have my information put in an official police record That says that I'm 5'10". And they were never going to allow that. Because at that time, from that moment on, I am officially 5'10".

The United States would win Olympic Gold in handball if they fielded a team of pro athletes

I do want to get a team together for the Olympics. I think it's handball... I guarantee we can put a team together that can win gold. Guaranteed. Just from pure, arm speed. I don't think guys in other countries [could compete].

Antarctica is always freezing, regardless of whether it is 'summer' there

I was always taught that Antarctica was just always freezing. No one lives there. It's a continent that no one lives on because it's all ice... I've never probably my life got ratio so hard but people being like you fucking idiot like it's the summer in Antarctica... it's still cold, but it's colder than here.

If my accomplishments in the next 20 years don't exceed my NBA career, then I failed

I told somebody said listen if what I do in the next 20 years is not better than my last 20 then I failed... I wouldn't accomplish what I accomplished my last 20 years if I did not have this mentality to begin with.

The greatest feeling in the world is hunting and catching a human being

Hemingway said that the greatest thing in the world is to hunt another human being and catch him. So that's the greatest feeling you could ever have.

Truth serum would fix the American justice system

Hit him with truth serum for $69.50. You find out everything. So I think that is real justice. And we don't do it enough. Because the lawyers got to make money, the courts have to make money... let's get down to the real nitty gritty. Hit him with that and find out what's really going on.

Rapists almost never commit suicide

All rapists do not commit suicide. A person that does, shot someone else... Rapists are sissies. They like that feeling when a girl [says] 'please, please, please don't.' I've arrested a lot. And they will not most of the time kill themselves. No, he [Epstein] didn't kill himself. Somebody hung his ass.

If you are a man with a fat face, you must have high-volume hair to distract people from your cheeks

If you're a bigger guy, you need to have your hair have as much volume as possible to hide the fact that you have a fat face. When you put on a hat, it always makes your face look fatter. All the focus goes to your fat fucking cheeks. So you need to have hair, just crazy hair, to take away. Hair and beard are a fat guy's best friend.

Sign stealing is the most American thing you can do

If we hadn't stolen signs in World War II, we'd all be speaking Japanese. Sign stealing is the most American thing someone can do.

I can take Quenton Nelson in a fight

[Big Cat]: You versus Quenton Nelson. Who wins in a fight? [Darius Leonard]: In a fight? I'm with me. Yes. I'm a competitor... Yeah, I can take him. It's not the size of the dog that's in the fight, but the size of the fight that's in the dog.

I will go to church every Sunday for a year if the Vikings win the Super Bowl

I should start going back to church every single every single Sunday for an entire year... if they [Vikings] win the Super Bowl.

Human hearts have a finite number of beats, so running is bad for you

As far as I'm concerned, your heart only has a finite amount of beats programmed into it at birth. It's like eggs in a woman. So I don't want to raise my heart rate too high because then it's not going to be around to beat when I'm past the age of 70.

There is a Blake of the Year curse

So it's time to ask, is there a Blake of the Year curse? You've got Griffin [surgery]. Bortles got traded. He moved teams... and went bald.

Men turn uglier and uglier as they get older

As you get older, men turn uglier and uglier... George Clooney and Brad Pitt, those guys are flukes. That was like a mistake. I would say that most guys are disgusting, right? It's just a known fact.

I am going to bench press 215 pounds in 2020

My New Year's resolution is to... be able to bench press 215 pounds. So what would be—which will be really helpful for you... 215 once. Yeah.

Hell is a self-imposed condition you create within yourself

Hell is what you make it within yourself. So hell is a self-imposed condition... hell is really something you create yourself. The difference between organized religion and spirituality is organized religion is built for people to be afraid of hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there.

No matter how smart you think you are at 20 years old, you are actually an idiot

No matter how smart you think you are, you're an idiot... This is why everyone older than you hates you, because they all went through the exact same thing where it's like I got everything figured out, and then you just realize you don't. And it doesn't mean you're not smart. It doesn't mean you're not creative... [but] you can't have any of this perspective that you're going to need.

I'm the number one person in the world at finding open tables at packed bars

I think I'm number one in the world at finding open tables at packed bars or seats in general because of my figure and I don't like to stand very much... I will always find an open table.

I bought a Tesla to quit dipping, but I just ended up going to the gas station to buy dip anyway

The plan was to buy a Tesla so that I could quit dipping because then I wouldn't have to go to the gas station anymore. So now I just go to the gas station just to buy dip.

Week 17 fantasy football leagues are for psychos

Hank, bring that up on the other side... how stupid people are who do week [17]... people that somehow keep their fantasy season going along until week 17. You're a psycho. You're a psycho if you do it.

Shitting is an essential mental break during the work day

I feel like the art of going to the back, even in high school before I had a cell phone, I was still just like, let me get out of the class and go take a shit for 30 minutes. It's a mental break. So I don't even know that the cell phone thing would work as much. Like, people back in the day, before cell phones existed, were still taking long shit breaks.

Monday night is for cleaning up your life, not drinking and eating wings

I'm more confused to your Monday night like Monday night is for watching football and cleaning up your life not drinking and eating what planet are you? Monday night is not your get your act together sitting at home watching money. Football with beers and wings. That's the cleanup game brother.

Monday night is for easing yourself back into the work week with beers

Incorrect Monday night is ease yourself back into the work week taper off from your Sunday and your Saturday. I'm drinking.

Angela Duckworth is just monetizing the fact that untalented people are too dumb to quit

I saw who wrote the study and it was Angela Duckworth Who is the lady that wrote the grit book. She is grit exploitation. She is the big grit industrial complex. Most of us out there learn to appreciate grit because we had to because we lack talent and sports... we're also dumb enough to not quit. So therefore that's a good quality and I'm going to call it grit and she comes along and she's trying to make money off it.

I have a 100% capture rate in my 41-year bounty hunting career

8,000 captures over 8,000 41 years this February... it's a hundred percent. We got one right now we're chasing a million dollar Bond.

I could fight my way out of this room right now and beat everyone up

[Big Cat]: Could you fight your way out of this room right now? [Dog]: Oh, yeah all of us on you - well you think David would be there too. [Big Cat]: So he take David out. He's he goes out of the room and he's like dog they're going to fight for their life to keep you in this room. [Dog]: Well you get out. When do you get an a gang like that? And you get somebody jumps you you take one of them and It could don't quit beatin him and you just because you're going to you're getting it from the side in the back of you is keep hitting the one right there.

The 7th PLL expansion team will be named the Waterdogs

The Waterdogs are going to be the name. I'm excited for it... Go Waterdogs.

A secret Twitter burner is a healthy way for a sports fan to burn off steam

I think this is actually the healthiest way that a sports fan can burn off some steam. He's found a very normal outlet to be an immature sports fan, which is redundant because we all are. So just let him live.