Takes

No one ever needs to actually 'check out' of a hotel

I've never checked out of a hotel in my entire life... The most I've ever done is once in a while... put your room key in here when you leave. Other than that... I think I threw it in the trash.

PFT Commenter is done dunking forever - retiring from attempting to dunk

My fire fest. I don't think I'm gonna dunk again. I think I'm gonna have to learn how to play below the rim. So I'm calling it quits on attempting to dunk anymore in my future.

Fasting is the worst thing ever

I realized I was such a bitch. ... Anyone who tries to tell you the fasting is the way to go. It ain't, it ain't the way to go.

Solo dates are the superior way to experience the movies

I went on, I guess what someone called solo date the other day. I thought it was okay. I thought it was like a rec, a super normal thing to do... You ever, you ever go to the movies solo? Yes sir. All the time. That's great. I think that's the best way to go to the movies.

I was banned from my fantasy league by a corrupt commissioner

I was canned mid midweek last, last week by some what some are saying is maybe a corrupt commissioner. I was kicked from the league... He just like, sorry, had to drop you and because you didn't set the lineup how you should have set the lineup... The commissioner, coincidentally seventh place. I also wanna say commissioner, coincidentally first guy to make trades with the team.

I will beat Hank in an 18-hole match play golf game for $5,000

I am now very excited about beating you [Hank] at golf and taking the thing that you love the most in this whole world away from you.

I am officially retiring from participating in physical sports challenges

My fire fest is pretty simple. My body is broken. I'm, I'm too old for some of this shit. I did tweet that I was thinking about retirement, like not retirement from like this show, but retirement from our physical challenges. We played, we did six hour stream on Tuesday night... softball on Wednesday... oh my god, I can't walk right now. I think I need to retire from sports. I need to be a walking guy.

The 'Sharknado' meta and Smurf accounts are ruining Marvel Rivals

The developers of Marvel rivals... are tanking the game. So they're, they're allowing these guys to do... Smurf account... and then they've changed the team up and now there's a sharknato that you can light on fire and the sharknato is ruining the game. It's bad.

The Barstool office ice cream machine will finally be operational by Wednesday

99% chance there will be soft serve... We will be experiencing ice cream before July 4th break. Wednesday is when I want... Wednesday.

A fake kidnapping is the only way to find out if a rookie is 'ride or die'

You gotta fake kidnap your boys if you wanna make sure that they ride or die... it's a simple question of: do I like this kid? And the only way to find out is you go down the line and it's fake kidnapping with a real gun on video.

Having a stomach bug is one of the worst things that can happen to a human

Getting the stomach bug is by far the worst thing that can possibly happen to a human I think. Cancer, I feel like stomach bug's gotta be up there. Just kidding, just kidding... you feel like you're dying though. It's terrible.

I am significantly better than Hank at 16-inch softball

I am definitely so much better than Hank at 16-inch softball... I guarantee you. I can slap singles. I'm faster than Hank.

It is not gay to take a shower in a gym locker room after a workout

I finally look up, I'm like, is he yelling at me? And he's staring at me... 'bro, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck is this gay shit, bro, you gonna shower?'... I really do. I love Joey Swoll. Love his content. He's the best. Joey, I need you to weigh in on this. Am I outta line? Should, should. Is it gay as shit to shower after you work out?

Big men everywhere start dreading April because they lose the ability to hide under sweatshirts

We're getting to t-shirt weather. Do we have a plan? The first nice day where it's 70 degrees and you hold onto the sweatshirt and you're like, 'this is uncomfortable.' And you realize I'm gonna have to start wearing a t-shirt. It's the worst feeling in the world. I forgot that I couldn't just wear a sweatshirt for the entire year.

Most women believe that all men are naturally capable of dunking a basketball

My fiance just asked me with a straight face. When was the first time I dunked. She just assumed throughout our entire relationship I've been dunking... hubs is probably about my height. And he's bringing to light the, the fact that a lot of women just think that all men can dunk.

The Audi Q3 is a 'chick car'

I don't care. You're drive. Drive your Audi outta here lady. Get your ass outta here... [Hank drives an Audi] ...She was like a Q3 thinking like she's big time. [Is that a chick car?] Great. On gas. Let's put it that way. Yeah. That's the chick car.

A 2032 asteroid will likely hit the Earth and specifically ruin a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl run

My fire fest of the week is that there's an asteroid heading towards Earth. It's scheduled to hit the planet potentially in 2032. This tells me this has like Brown Super Bowl run written all over it. And the asteroid shows up.

I am officially going to learn how to dunk a basketball

I have a announcement for you guys. Ready for this? I think I'm gonna dunk. I think I'm gonna dunk. I've never dunked, but I think I'm gonna train in dunk.

Big Cat would have to lose a significant amount of weight to ever dunk

I hope you could too. You would have to lose a lot of weight. I know you're not going, you're don't. I would, don't put a time.

I am a better athlete than Hank at everything

I just have to come to the realization, I'm just a better athlete than [Hank] at everything... I'm mad at myself hand up accountability. I'm just better at than Hank at everything Hand up.

The Super Bowl marks the official end of winter

I'm keeping [the Christmas trees] up till after the Super Bowl. Super Bowl is the end of winter, as far as I'm concerned. That's the end of our season... that's the sign of spring to me.

Speakeasies should be illegal to be authentic

I don't think that there should be speakeasies unless they're actually like illegal places where you can like smoke inside and like, it's against the law. That's what a speakeasy should be... It's stolen valor. If I look at your wall and you have your health department grade on the wall, [it's not a speakeasy].

Pour-your-own-beer bars are a terrible trend

Another trend that I fucking hate bars I can't stand... the bars that have the like pour your own beers. I hate that shit... The whole point of going to a bar is have someone like, you get to sit down... you feel like you're playing laser tag or some shit. Sucks.

I will not be able to shoot 20 three-pointers in a row

I misinterpreted what the initial discussion was. I'm not gonna be able to shoot 20 threes in a row. That's it... 20 for 20, which is impossible. I think 20 for 25 is possible. Obviously that's not what we discussed.

I have a broken pinky finger that I'm just going to leave untreated

I do think I have a broken pinky. I've had it for two weeks. I don't know what to do about it. I don't think you can do anything for a broken pinky... I think I'm just like a hurt hand guy for the rest of my life.

I am having a midlife crisis at 31 years old

I feel like it's, I know the answer that it's a sign that I'm going through somewhat of a midlife crisis... I have been spending a lot of time thinking about selling it [my car] and then leasing a really nice car... Why not open a line of credit with good points, pay the lease off with that and have a nice car.

Early morning workout routines are never actually fun, no matter how much you do them

How do people do it? How do you get up... Everyone, everyone, everyone who talks about getting up early, they're like, you just gotta get through the first couple of days. No. And it becomes routine. No, there's no way that, that they're wrong... there's still no way that it's fun.

Lactose intolerance is a sign of weakness and most people who claim it are 'pussies'

I think lactose intolerant people are just pussies. I just, when people are like, I can't eat that ice cream. I'm lact— shut the fuck up. Eat the ice cream. If you need an EpiPen, I respect you. If you are, if you like, oh, I got a little diarrhea, dude, that's my whole life is eating too much ice cream and getting diarrhea.

Men posing with their arms around each other is the weirdest thing

We as guys, we as guys gotta stop doing the arms around each other. This picture. It's the fucking weirdest thing we do... There's nothing worse than doing the awkward like post golf round. Yeah. 10 dudes just standing with their arms around each other.

I would rather buy new clothes than walk through a spider-infested hallway to do laundry

I have to share that laundry room with three other units... there's spiders all the way up and down the wall... I'm afraid to go down there... So I bought new clothes, bought just essential stuff.

Taking a long time to poop is a masculine dad move

I actually kind of feel like this is like my first, like I'm feel like a masculine dad because I feel like that's a very big dad move for the all the kids in the house to be like, yeah. Dad goes and takes long shits. Being like, I'm going to the shit or I'll be back in three hours.

Hitting too many 'dingers' caused my bicep tendonitis

I have bicep tendonitis in my right arm from hitting dingers... it hurts to lift my right arm. So the backswing, there's a lot of pain.

I'm officially 'washed' after struggling in the home run derby

Tuesday night we hit dingers... but I think I'm officially, officially washed because... I was halfway through the whole competition and I looked at the leaderboard and it was like me, Titus, Chief, Brandon... every guy who's 37 plus. I was maxing out everything I had and it wasn't that good.

The El Camino is the 'mullet' of cars

One word to describe El Camino and it's bitching. This ride is fucking sweet. 1970 SS racing stripe cherry red. I'm actually thinking about getting a mullet as an accessory to my car. I like that because the, the El Camino is a mullet of cars. Yeah. It's business in the front party in the back.

People catching and eating cicadas at baseball games will be a viral trend this summer

We're gonna see more and more, I predict this summer of just cicada cam. Just people just grabbing a cicada and eating it on camera. . . normalize it.

I like getting a single bug bite

I like a good bug bite. Just a good, just a good old fashioned bug bite. Like maybe on the top of your shin. Nice little spot. You can scratch it a little... A single bug bite on the top of your shin. Just a little itch. Not so bad.

I will give it my all and I believe I will be able to dunk

I'm in it. The bet's out there. It's 20, it's 20 k. ... I'm going to give it my all to be able to dunk. I think I'm gonna be able to do it. I know the haters and you guys and everyone in the world doesn't think I'm going to, but I I welcome that. I welcome that. ... The only way that's gonna stop me is injury.

Hitchhiking should be brought back because it was generally safe

Bring back hitchhiking. Hitchhiking was safe. I feel like hitchhiking got a bad rap because there were a couple serial killers out there. Almost 100% of hitchhikers ended without a serial killer encounter.

Flacco the Owl was a slut

Even though I don't, I I I'll still stand with my take that Flacco the owl was a slut. Big time slut. I guess the pigeon herpes might've been because he was eating pigeons. ... I'm sticking with full on slut shaming a flacco. You were a slut. That's how you got the herpes.

I am going to pimp out Vanny Woodhead and bring the van back to life in Chicago

We are going to get Vanny to Chicago. We have, we're in a different financial situation than we were six years ago. So I'm gonna probably put some money into this Vanny, pimp it out, figure out how to make it technically exist again. And now we'll have Vanny back in our lives. Like this trip to Indy would've been a perfect, let's just hop in Vanny. Yeah. So we're I Vanny is back.

Technically Vanny Woodhead does not exist and is legally destroyed

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of, I couldn't, I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it. No, one [owns it]. The, it's technically like scrap. It's a ghost car. It just hasn't been scrapped.

I will be able to dunk a basketball and hit twenty three-pointers within the next ten months

I'm going hard to dunk... summer, that's exactly my plan. I'm already over leveraged. What if I do both and hit 20 threes? I just have to basically change my entire lifestyle way of thinking and everything.

US elite athletes and quarterbacks would dominate Olympic Handball with minimal training

I believe it even more [that we would win gold]. Josh Allen could be the best handball player in the world right now... Imagine trying to stop Lamar. You could just take quarterbacks and they would win a gold medal. I think like two weeks of training.

I am returning to a private lifestyle because the internet ruined the Tiffany Gomas content

I will definitely be going back to, to zero dark private life mode... because it's fun. I enjoy it and, and you know, 99% of the people are fun. They play along... But then there's the 1% of people, people that will DMM and, and, and, and just go way over the top.

I will be in the best shape of my life when I turn 40

I have the double whammy of our birthday month is coming up and it's our last birthday in our thirties. And I am trying to tell myself that when I turn 40, I have to turn 40 in good shape in the best shape of my life... I'm going to put in a very concerted effort starting on Tuesday.

I cannot run a 5K in under 33 minutes

I'm not gonna be able to run under 33 minutes. I'm not gonna be able to do that and I can't do that. Physically... I'm going to end up, I'm gonna get an injury. Like my back is gonna, is gonna come out.

Staying in an ADA-compliant apartment as an able-bodied person is selfish

I'm just uncomfortable staying here [in an ADA-compliant apartment] where someone else who might need it more [could live]... I view it in the perspective like PFT said, I'm taking the space right now of someone who needs it more.

Orcas are attacking boats to train their young to hunt, not for revenge

Update on those orca attacks. Turns out the orcas may be using the boats that they're attacking to train the younger orcas, how to hunt. It may not be some sort of retribution situation.

I am going to start taking Ozempic to lose weight.

I'm just gonna go on Ozempic. I don't fucking care. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna tell everyone to do it and then I'm gonna look hot and then I'll get off of it and then I'll gain it all back. Drop like 25 pounds and then just slowly gain it back.

The Russians are radicalizing orcas to attack ships in NATO waters

So the Russians have been training beluga whales to be spies in NATO waters and with all these recent orca attacks are the Russians, radicalizing orcas? ... The orcas haven't been acting like that before.