Takes

Lindsay Vonn crashes every single time she is hyped up to ski.

I basically, every time they say, Hey, Lindsay Vonn's about to ski... she's gonna crash. I woke up and they were like, Hey Lindsay Vonn competed this morning and she crashed.

Ryan Clark is a 'piece of shit' for berating Peter Schrager

My who's back of the week is our guy Peter Schrager... Ryan Clark's a piece of shit. I'll just say that... he just like berated Peter Schrager for having a take on a take show because he didn't play the game... Ryan Clark, come on, man.

People who cannot figure out the ESPN/DirecTV dispute should be tried in the Supreme Court

The people that can't figure out the ESPN DirecTV shit should be tried in the Supreme Court. What do you mean? And possibly executed. They should all be tried tomorrow.

Michael Phelps ruined swimming for me because he was too dominant

Michael Phelps ruined swimming for me personally. Because he was so goddamn dominant that, and it happened so recently that I'm watching swimming and I'm like, well, Phelps would've beaten all these guys.

Charles Barkley's retirement announcement is just a leverage play

I don't buy it. I don't buy it. I don't buy it. He's too good. That's just what you say at the end of the year. He's just doing, he's he's said a million different things. He's like, well maybe I'll just hire everyone and we'll have a new, we'll bring it over here. Maybe I'll retire. Maybe w he's just, I love Charles Barkley. I love, love, love Charles Barkley. I don't buy it. Charles Barkley could talk about anything on TV and I would watch. Yeah. It doesn't matter what it could be.

Secretariat's records are fraudulent and he likely used steroids

Secretariat had 663 children... Guess how many of his kids won a Triple Crown race? The answer is zero... every mile time has gradually gotten better over the years except horse racing... He also lost a bunch of races... they had an excuse ready after every single loss... he had horse herpes and they blamed his loss on that... The more you look into Secretariat, the more it stinks to high heaven.

Flightline is the GOAT horse over Secretariat

I think we should as a podcast, we should say Flightline is our goat. Flightline was a horse that won the Breeders Cup two years ago... He raced six times and he just killed everyone... Casual fans will say Secretariat... Flightline, he was an incredible horse.

Joe Lunardi hates his job and should be replaced by Steve Kornacki

Joe Lunardi has to work three weeks a year and he said goodnight at 10:57 during conference championship week on Friday night when there was like six games left. What is up with this guy?... What he needs to realize is that with one snap of the fingers that freak Steve Kornacki could step into his job and do it better.

The Vegas Sphere is the coolest thing ever and the future of advertising

It's maybe the coolest thing I've ever seen. Like, I feel like it's gonna be everywhere all the time now. Like it's the, it's the future. ... However much it costs to advertise on it is like it's better than a billboard.

Debating Skip Bayless every day is the worst job in America

I think it might be the worst job in America to debate Skip Bayless every day... Skip's not gonna pick someone who can go toe to toe with him. Skip's gonna pick someone that he can knock out in like the fifth round every single day. I really do think it might be the worst job in America.

Big Ben's podcast will devolve into him ranking the injuries he's played through

I'm sure that it's just gonna devolve into [Ben Roethlisberger] talking about various injuries. It should just be him talking about, I ranking the injuries that he's played through.

Stephen A. Smith taking a month off for a shoulder injury in August is a 'soft move'

Stephen A. Smith is, but I do think, I do think he's talking about anything because he's taking the entire fucking month of August off with his shoulder injury, because he's not man enough to go on the air in August and talk about sports. This is, this is actually what really separates the good take Smiths from the bad ones. ... this is a soft move by Steven A. Smith.

The new NCAA Football video game should be simple for the 'common man'

I just hope they make the game for the common man and not for like the dudes that are playing for like a million dollars... I want it for the regular guy who's going to play, you know, a couple hours at night when they get home from work.

Adam Schefter's sentimental Matthew Stafford/OBJ photoshop made no sense

I have a whose back of the week is stupid tweets that try to be sentimental because Adam Schefter's tweet after super bowl makes no sense. He said to all those who said it couldn't be done, and it's a picture of Eli Manning, Calvin Johnson, Jarvis Landry, looking on as Matthew Stafford and OBJ celebrate the super bowl.

We are officially boycotting the Olympics

I was back in the week as the Olympics... we're boycotting. Except the women's hockey, the women's hockey team we're supporting because they're friends of ours and we coach them. But we're boycott.

Athletes only get into fights at 'nightclubs,' never at 'bars'

Have you ever noticed that when it's an athlete getting into a bar fight, it's always a nightclub. Yeah. And it's never like, they never just say like at a bar it's like at, at a local nightclub establishment.

I want to get rid of replay in sports and go back to just the human element

I want to get rid of that. I want to get rid of replay sports. You just argue that the robots machines are hacked... I actually think it would solve a lot of things if they just decided everything on the field, dude, no replay. Replay has gone too far.

Adam Schefter is an information broker, not a journalist

I think that Schefter over the last couple of years has gotten—he's not a journalist anymore. Right? We can agree. Yes. He's—he's an information broker. He's essentially just like a guy that collects dirt and will play to whoever the highest bidder is... He should stop pretending that he has any sort of journalistic integrity at all.

Ed Sheeran is 'not football' and shouldn't play the NFL Kickoff

Roger Goodell needs a guy that hangs out with him that's like, 'Hey, that's not football.' Ed Sheeran is not football. Not opening night football. Coldplay, not football. Imagine Dragons is way more football than Coldplay.

Trying to cancel Joe Rogan only promotes his show

It is the dumbest thing ever that they try to cancel Joe Rogan every other month. And then a bunch of people just tweet out Joe Rogan clips that probably just make new Joe Rogan fans. They're just doing his promotion for him.

Shark Week is being used by the media to maintain a state of fear after COVID-19

I think that we're overdue for some of the shark. The media hasn't really like had anything to like keep us in fear about after COVID has kind of started to become an afterthought. The media day are overdue for another summer. You weren't scared about the story of the shooting that was planned in Denver.

The Water Dogs MUST draft Chris Hogan in the Premier Lacrosse League

[Chris Hogan] has declared for the Premier League lacrosse draft... We have equity in the Water Dogs. Whatever we have to do to get Chris Hogan on our team, we have to do it.

Internet 1.0 (less cynicism and sarcasm) is making a comeback

I'm bringing back internet 1.0... We're not trying to fuck with people were just being nice trying to signal boost all the artists out there... less sarcasm less cynicism in the internet and less like everything is the worst and we're all going to die.

Bill Walton should be the commentator for every sporting event televised

Bill Walton watching a baseball game is just, it's incredible. He should do way more games. I don't know why they haven't thought of this, but he should just do everything. When they do the Ocho on ESPN, it should just be Bill Walton.

Peter King is a hypocrite for criticizing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

It is unbelievable to watch where Peter King draws the line. Putting a serial rapist into the Hall of Fame. Okay. Darren Sharper. Eating too many hot dogs on 4th of July? Nuh-uh. Don't do it. Covering a sport for 30, 40 years... where guys are dying from brain injuries... Okay. Watching Joey Chestnut eat 71 hot dogs on July 4th? Uh-uh. That's Peter King's line.

Jason Witten was essentially fired by ESPN

Jason Witten just got fired. Let's just call it what it is. If he was good at his job, he would not have gone back. I think ESPN was essentially like, dude, we're not saying you're fired, but... you're fired.

Little League sound bites will soon become fake and self-aware, ruining the magic

Do you think there will be a point where these kids become a little self-aware and start doing this? Because Big Al is, like, so beautiful because he's genuine. But we're going to get to that point where they're going to try to start making sound bites and stuff, and it's going to ruin it.

Hulk Hogan's reinstatement to the Hall of Fame represents a 'one-in, one-out' policy for racism

But now that Papa John got in trouble for saying the N-word... In America, we have like a one-in, one-out policy for racism. So Papa John's racist now, and because he's in the club, Hulk Hogan is now out of the racism club.

You can't fire an FBI agent for breakdancing

You can't fire someone for feeling a dance circle. If you've ever been at a wedding, any kind of party, there's nothing more awkward than a dance circle where no one goes in. So this guy had to go in. He did an unbelievable move.

Every crime drama can be successful with just interviews and aerial drone shots

We need to do a crime drama because essentially all you have to do is interview a couple like FBI or ATF guys and then mix in a shitload of drone shots of where, around where it happened. Like, Making a Murderer, it was just half drone shots. Evil genius, half drone shots.

Bet the favorite in the second half if they are losing at halftime

If a favorite is losing in the first half, you just bet the favorite in the second half. That's it. I invented that last year.

Stephen A. Smith claiming James Harden was drugged is a transparent attempt to brag about his contacts

After the James Harden game six incident, [Stephen A. Smith] went on the air and he said that he had five Hall of Famers text him saying they thought James Harden was drugged... No one cares about that. It's five Hall of Famers text Stephen A. Smith. That's big stuff.

The Volkswagen commercial with the grandmother and the ashes is fake and manipulative

Volkswagen... they're like, well, we'll just put a really sappy story where a bunch of kids cry and an old grandmother, and we'll put some Simon and Garfunkel behind it, and everyone will say, oh my God, Volkswagen, they're so nice. Don't fall for it.

The popcorn debate will be featured on Mike and Mike within two weeks

I'm going to call my shot. The popcorn debate is going to be featured on Mike and Mike within the next two weeks. Anytime you can introduce a bracket, it's going to do wonders for water cooler talk.