Takes

Laremy Tunsil should quit social media and just play ball

Quit social media. Lock yourself away. Just hang with my guy Pouncey down there. Hang with Tannehill. Hang around good guys like that. And you know what? Just do your thing because all that other stuff has nothing to do with football.

The Green Bay Packers drafted a serial killer and he's the biggest bust in NFL history

People forget that the Green Bay Packers drafted a serial killer. In 1974, they drafted a legit serial killer. His name is Randy Woodfield... Would you say he's like the biggest bust in NFL draft history?

NFL fans will be tired of Carson Wentz's old tweets by week 4 of his rookie season

Wentz also had a tweet like three years ago that said, I want to kill myself. And it was a tweet that was like in succession with a couple others, so it's a little bit out of context. But every single interception that he throws, every game they lose, you're going to see that. You're going to get pretty sick of that by about week four next year.

Johnny Manziel will never start another game in the NFL

if you had to put your life on it, does Johnny Manziel start another game in the NFL? I would say no. I think he'll try. I think he'll come back at some point. It'll be a great redemption story. But the problem is... his skillset was going to be difficult anyway... I think he's got a little bit of the Tebow thing around him right now that he's, he's skillset fits college football and not the NFL.

Sean Kemp will definitely be on the show at some point

We're going to get Sean Kemp on the show. That's my guarantee to the Pardon My Take listeners. We will get Sean Kemp on the show somehow, someway, at some point. Guaranteed.

Sam Bradford will not be the Eagles starting quarterback in 2016

I have a feeling [Sam Bradford] won't be [starting]. I know they're saying all the right things now and they can't declare to the world that he's not going to be the starter because what if the guy that they draft ultimately stinks. It wouldn't shock me if they find a way to unload him onto somebody who emerges from the draft without an answer.

Johnny Manziel will never start another five games in the NFL

I'll take under [five more starts] because even if he gets his act together, which first he has to have the epiphany. I just don't think anybody can ever trust him to be a starting quarterback or a backup quarterback.

Jared Goff will be the first overall pick in the 2016 NFL Draft

Oh, it's going to be Jared Goff. I believe it will be Jared Goff.

Calvin Johnson is officially retired and will not return to the NFL

I do [think he is officially retired]. After the beating that he's taken... I just think he made enough money. And the NFL is getting to a point where people are realizing how brutal it is... I'm sure after watching a year of it, like I did my first year out, he'll realize he wants no part of that.

Conor McGregor's retirement tweet was a brilliant marketing move to generate buzz

Excellent marketing move on his part... we were all talking about MMA, like in the offseason of MMA, pretty much. So, yeah. Excellent marketing move on his part.

I bet $200 on Donald Trump to win the election a year ago and it looks like a good bet

By the way, just want to say put $200 on Donald Trump about a year ago. That's looking pretty good right now.

Greg Maddux was a sick individual in the clubhouse who used teammates' clothes to clean himself

He [Greg Maddux] was a sick individual to say the least. You know, there was nothing that was off limits for Greg. You know, he wasn't opposed to going into somebody's locker and grabbing a piece of piece of clothing and using it to clean himself in various ways and things of that nature.

Otis Nixon would beat Sid Bream in a race even if Bream had a head start

I think I'm pretty confident in betting that Otis [Nixon] is going to make it around before Sid [Bream] does. [Even if Sid gets started] I still think Otis is going to do it. Sid was not fleet of foot.

Being a left-handed pitcher is a massive advantage in sports that other athletes don't have

The overwhelming thing that was in the favor of baseball was I was a left-handed pitcher. I just felt like being a left-handed pitcher I had a big advantage in baseball that I didn't have in hockey. Left-handed pitchers, everybody's looking for them.

Leicester City converted a penalty in the 93rd minute to salvage their Cinderella story

The Cinderella story, Leicester, they were losing today, and they were playing with 10 men, and then they got a penalty called in the 93rd minute, and they converted to salvage a point.

NFL primetime games in late December are always horrendous

I do know that we will have at least three or four primetime games in like late December that are horrendous because that happens without fail. The Monday night games. There will be a game where Gruden will have to tell out the world that like some awful quarterback is good.

Kyle Schwarber will return from his ACL/LCL injury in six months, in time for the World Series

That's a little out of my expertise in information systems. Let's say six months... [Back in time for the World Series?] Sure. I mean, that's where the money is. I would say so.

The Bulls will give the Celtics a really good series in the playoffs

I think the Bulls are going to give the Celtics a really good series.

The Cleveland Indians' Chief Wahoo logo will be on the hot seat this year

We, this show, called the shot that the Indians were going to have a good year and the Chief Wahoo logo was going to be on the hot seat and people were going to all get upset. Well, guess what? They had a good year. They lost in the World Series, but they had a good year. They're back. Chief Wahoo still on the hot seat.

Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have officially broken up

PFT... broke the heartbreaking news that Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have broken up... For the last couple of shows, it's just been Jay. Strictly Mariotti. No, there hasn't been an announcement... I needed Woody to counterbalance Jay.

Indianapolis is a test ground for most chain restaurants

Indianapolis is actually a test ground for most chain restaurants. Literally everything is there, except for In-N-Out.

The Red Sox cannot claim fat discrimination against Pablo Sandoval because they knew he was fat when they signed him

They accepted him as being a lot-ass when they signed him, he was heavy. ... So they will accept them the way he was. ... We hired you and we knew that you were this tub of lard and it didn't matter at the time. ... The reason that we're letting you go is not because you're fat, but because you can't hit for a lick.

Tony La Russa is the ultimate 'Baseball Man' for falling asleep at a red light while drunk

I mean, Tony La Russa, classic baseball man, falling asleep at a red light because he's too drunk. That's just baseball man life.

Greg Hardy's best possible legacy move is to be completely forgotten

The best thing that Greg Hardy could do is be forgotten. That's as good as it's going to get for his legacy. Why don't you get a horse and go live in the mountains someplace and don't bother anybody for a while?

The Crying Michael Jordan meme will never die

The reason why the crying MJ meme will never die, and it's very simple, anyone who ever complains about it instantly gets the crying MJ meme on them so it's like it just it's a self-fulfilling you can't stop it.

Preseason predictions are worthless and no one should care about them

I love preseason predictions because they're never right. I also love when people say like, oh, here are my preseason predictions so I can just get it on the record. Like anyone gives a fuck. Why would I care what you think? They're never right, and I just don't care.

The Cubs have the best team top-to-bottom in baseball

I do think the Cubs have the best team. And I know that everyone will be like, that's biased. They don't have the best pitching, but I'm talking about top to bottom team.

Being on rehab is the easiest money in professional sports

I'm addicted to actually rehab. It's the easiest money in pro sports. You don't ever have to play, and they keep sending you checks on the drugs. It's better than drugs, actually.

J.J. Watt could fix his image by doing 'dizzy bat' and falling on his face

He needs to play a round of drunken dizzy bat because you always fall on your face... Not only is he like, okay, he's a regular guy... He also will fall on his face and will laugh about that. And if he can laugh at himself after that, I mean, he's right back in everyone's good graces.

Roy Williams is legitimately smarter about basketball than any sports reporter

As crazy as it is for Roy to be this surly to everyone, especially after a win, he's not wrong. He does know way more about basketball than we do. So when you second guess him on that stuff... in terms of X's and O's, I don't know... he's smarter.

Everyone in the NBA is tradable

I played this game. Everybody's tradable. It's not like – You know, some guys, you know, when you're a broadcaster, you never played. I played in the NBA. I've been traded. So it happens. It's a business.

Buddy Hield's game reminds me of Michael Redd

Well, his game reminds me of Michael Redd, the Ohio State player... He was a big-time scorer, about 6'4", 6'5", unorthodox, could shoot it from anywhere. He kind of reminds me of Michael Redd. I think he's going to be a great pro.

Villanova is a totally different team than they were earlier in the season when Oklahoma beat them

Villanova's a totally different team than what they faced early in the year. They were still trying to figure themselves out. Oklahoma had a little bit more of a veteran team. They played together. So, you know, that was an advantage for the Sooners. But, you know, if OU goes in there with the mindset like, hey, you know, we already beat this team by 25 and you start overlooking them... Your butt might be going home on Saturday.

The winner of the Indiana vs. North Carolina game will play for the National Championship

North Carolina, Indiana winner. I think it's going to play for [the title]. I do. I think that, you know, I think they'll beat the next team.

Darren Rovell is the 'well-actually guy' of the NCAA tournament

Darren Rovell, who makes a case in point to tell everybody in America that he does not fill out a bracket, because guess what? Eight years ago, for the first time, he decided not to do a bracket, and it's so much more fun watching the tournament without it. So he is the well-actually guy of the NCAA tournament.

Burying a football or burning tape only gives a team exactly one win

Burning tape or burying a football will always give you a little extra juice the next game. It gives you exactly one win. And then you kind of run out of energy because you've done all your crazy shit.

Yale vs Duke Under is my lock of the century

That's my lock of the century. Put the money in the bank right now. It's done... if you start a good place to start is by betting the under on two teams that you hate. [Yale vs Duke]

Adam LaRoche's retirement over his son being in the clubhouse was just 'hurt feelings'

Adam LaRoche quit because his feelings were hurt. He got his feelings hurt... your feelings are hurt because the White Sox basically said, hey, Adam, you're a 14 year old best friend. You can't bring him around anymore.

LeBron James is passive-aggressive and can't spell his own metaphors

That's LeBron James because J.J. Watt would never tweet anything as passive-aggressive as that... He also did spell it wrong. He said, you can't accomplish the dream if everyone isn't dreaming the same thing every day.

Virginia will lose because they lack players who can make late-game shots

I think Virginia is like almost identical to some of the Wisconsin teams... where they don't have guys who can just make shots late in the game when you need... They have the one guy and but everyone else... you need to make shots at the end of the games.

The 'suh dude' trend will last until the end of the school year

I got to say at least until the end of the school year because it's already second semester and usually that won't wear off until the end.

I will not be signing with the Los Angeles Rams

Well, the team that just kicked me out onto the street, you know, was the St. Louis Rams. Now the Los Angeles Rams. I'd probably rather not play there.

Brock Osweiler is the perfect fit to continue the Houston Texans' lineage of awful quarterbacks

Brock Osweiler to the Texans, there has never been a better fit in the entire world. And I'm not talking about fit like, oh, the Texans need a quarterback and they just got Brock Osweiler. I'm talking about Brock Osweiler is the perfect guy to continue the Houston Texans mantle of awful quarterbacks. He just went to a party where everyone was wearing the same white guy J. Crew shirt. And he's like, oh, here are my dudes. I know all these guys. That's Brock Osweiler walking to the Houston Texans.

Adam Schefter is on the comeback trail after getting 'killed' by Ian Rapoport

I would not be surprised to see Schefter on the comeback trail. You see a little life coming out of him when he's yelling at Hannah Storm. You see a little life when he's getting pissed off about getting chapped. That is the right mentality that I want in my beat reporter. Like I feel he's about to turn the corner. And so don't count him out just yet. Adam Schefter is a strong buy for me.

Disney and ESPN have the power to push Pardon My Take around as a 'big guy' vs 'little guy' dynamic

Oh, it's definitely ESPN and Disney pushing around the little guy, but they have the ability to push you around. That's what big guys do to little guys. That's what the economy and life is all about, I guess. ... This isn't going to go away unless something is done. I don't think you can keep in the posture that you're in right now and basically get back to them and say, F you. I don't think that's going to get you very far.

Pardon My Take will not change its name despite ESPN's cease and desist

We've changed the logo. ... We are not changing the name. We will fight to the death to not change this name. So ESPN, come at us. We're not fucking budging on that.

ESPN definitely picked the wrong people to mess with because we have nothing to lose

I think they definitely picked the wrong people to fuck with on this one. Like we got nothing to lose.

The more lawsuits ESPN files against us, the stronger we get

I want to have them file lawsuits at me nonstop because the more they file, the stronger I get... the more lawsuits we have filed against us, the better we get.

The internet will side with us over ESPN in this legal battle

If I know anything about the Internet, the Internet's going to have our back. Nobody's going to side with ESPN on this. They're going to look real bad.

The Jaguars will sign a big free agent like Chris Ivory, cut him in two years because he didn't work out, and keep sucking

The Jaguars have a ton of money, and everyone's going to say, wow, the Jaguars are going to make a big splash. Like, you know, like signing Chris Ivory in two years, they're going to cut him because he's like, he didn't work out and they're going to bring in a new coach and the Jaguars are going to keep sucking and it's going to be beautiful.