Takes

Lamar Jackson is a limited passer who stinks at throwing short passes

I will say it with my chest. When I criticize his throwing short passes, he does stink at throwing short passes.

The Seahawks need to force-feed DK Metcalf early in games to keep him engaged.

They're going to have to force-feed the ball to DK Metcalf early in the game. The way that he was checked out, like he didn't want to be on the field anymore. You know, a top three receiver in the league, he should probably get the ball in his hands occasionally.

Tim Boyle should not be in the NFL

What the fuck is Tim Boyle? Why is Tim Boyle in the NFL? ... He wasn't even good at UConn. He actually sucked at UConn. And then he transferred to Eastern Kentucky and had a breakout season his senior year where he threw for 11 touchdowns and 13 interceptions. After sucking at UConn, he sucked at Eastern Kentucky, and now we've just agreed that he's going to be an NFL quarterback?

The NFL covered up Aaron Rodgers ignoring COVID protocols for ratings

I'm pretty sure that the NFL, according to their own rules, should have suspended Aaron Rodgers. Should have fined him. And they're covering up the fact that he just ignored all the protocols because he's Aaron Rodgers and the rules don't apply to him. And they're like, 'You know what? We could have Aaron Rodgers sit out for multiple weeks, but I really like ratings.'

The Minnesota Vikings would be 5-1 right now if not for a couple of fluke plays

The Vikings... I hate doing the like, oh, they should've could've woulda, but they really did play... they really could have beaten the Cardinals and the Bengals... they were a fucked up fumble and a misfield goal against the Cardinals away from being five and one.

The Titans and Colts feel like they play five times every year

The Titans and Colts... it feels like they play five times every year. Kind of like Portland and Seattle and MLS. I feel like every time I turn on my TV... it's the fucking Timbers in the Seattle football team.

I am officially on my 'last straw' with the Washington Football Team's organization

My announcement is I am officially on my last straw. Washington football team last straw. In fact, I went out, I bought a straw... If it gets anything bad, happens to the point where I, I lose faith in this organization again. Well, what, what Hank you, what else could they do that during my soul to you? They're only good players dead. And they fucked up his retirement ceremony.

If Urban Meyer were a winning coach, nobody would care about his off-field behavior

If Urban Meyer... was 3-1 at this point, nobody really would give a shit. He could be making out with Tim Tebow's girlfriend or his wife or his mom, and nobody would give a shit about that video as long as he was a winning coach in the NFL. But if you lose, then every time you stick your finger close to a co-ed's butthole, it's going to become news.

The Cowboys are currently #2 in the NFL if we used BCS rankings

If we did BCS rankings for the teams right now, I think the Super Bowl would maybe be the Cardinals versus the Cowboys because the Cowboys have the best loss. I think the Cowboys might be number two in the BCS.

The moment might be too big for McCorkell Jones in Brady's Foxborough return

The moment might actually be too big for McCorkell Jones because he's obviously a rookie quarterback and he feels like he's got a lot of responsibility taking over this franchise... getting to see it up close and personal when you're going to have every fan at the stadium that's rooting for you also give a standing ovation to the guy that was there before you.

Jalen Ramsey is the only cornerback who can physically cover Rob Gronkowski.

Jalen Ramsey is really the only person who fits Jalen Ramsey's description of a quarterback that can cover Gronk. Cause Jalen is a big dude. He's strong, he's got coverage skills and he can tackle.

Arthur Smith is one of the best-looking coaches in the NFL.

I think you know what? I'm going to throw it out there. Arthur Smith. One of the best looking coaches in the NFL, I think it's like him and Mike McCarthy one and two.

Dabo Swinney only opposes a 12-team playoff because he is afraid of Clemson being upset.

Dabo doesn't think there are 12 teams good enough for an expanded college football playoff. That was another quote... He just doesn't want to have the chance of being upset, but yeah, and he's got his spot locked up forever.

I could definitely beat up Bengals head coach Zac Taylor

The only people that are on the list right now [of coaches I can beat up], I want to say Zac Taylor. I think I could beat up Zac Taylor.

I could definitely beat up Matt Nagy

I could beat up Matt Nagy for sure. I'd just be like, dude, your play calling sucks.

The 'Christian Doctrine': NFL teams are actually harder to stop when their star player is out because of unpredictability

When a good player goes out or is traded the team does better I think we called the Christian doctrine... when a defense plans and you know Christian McCaffrey out there, you know, he's going to touch the ball like half the time when he's not you don't know where the balls going.

Aliens come from the center of the Earth, not outer space

Honestly, there's aliens of courting the government but I don't think the aliens come from outer space. I actually think that they come from within the center of the Earth... they are beings at the center of the earth that are coming to the surface.

To be a successful NFL quarterback, you have to be an 'absolute weirdo'

To be a good quarterback in the NFL, you got to be an absolute weirdo. Okay, cool guys burn out. You can't be cool... real swag is no swag... winning multiple Super Bowls makes you weird.

Wearing a 'PMT Karate Black Belt' shirt is the ultimate life hack to avoid fights

I have an idea it dawned on me... we are going to start PMT karate and sell the shirt... you according to us. We are the heads of PMT. Karate you listening right now. You have a black belt. Yeah, so you are not stealing Valor... No one will fight you. That's the whole point of wearing the shirt.

The Pro Bowl needs to move back to Hawaii to feel special again

They need to move the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii. It is not nearly as special. I need to see them with leis and all that.

Kirk Cousins is going to look 'so short' playing in the Superdome

Kirk Cousins on the road and the Dome. He's gonna look so short. You know look so short. You know what else this is—this is also I just thought about this but Sean Payton hasn't done any weird motivational gimmicks this year.

Daniel Jones is not a good quarterback

As we discovered last week, Daniel Jones does suck.

Jay Gruden played Dwayne Haskins early just to prove to the front office that he wasn't ready

I actually think it was [Jay Gruden] saying fuck you to Dan Snyder and Bruce Allen who want him to play Dwayne Haskins. He put Dwayne Haskins in knowing he was going to fuck up just to be like, see, I told you he wasn't ready.

Roger Federer is the GOAT of tennis

Federer is a goat. We better not be talking about Novak.

Imagine Dragons has officially replaced Nickelback as the worst band in the world

Imagine Dragons has taken the worst band in the world baton from Nickelback... we have to get our boys and IDs back.

San Antonio and Memphis are the best barbecue cities in the AAF

I think overall I have the best barbecue situation, San Antonio and Memphis [in the AAF].

Dabo Swinney is the second best head coach in the country

I think Dabo is probably the second best coach in the country. I think he's way better than Brian Kelly. I like the Clemson. I like the Rock.

The Jets did themselves a favor by missing out on Kirk Cousins

If you know anything about Kirk Cousins, you actually did yourself a favor by not getting him because you'd rather suck out loud than be kind of around average for four years.

NFL owners should pay for their own stadiums without taxpayer money.

The owners should pay for their own fucking stadium. A segment that we'll throw out there... If the taxpayers pay for the stadium, they get to decide the rules. No laws inside the stadium. Anything you want.

The Olympics starting events before the opening ceremony is total 'bullshit'

Why does curling start before everything else? They really need that much time to do curling? ... So they don't light the torch, but they play the Olympics. It's bullshit. So-called bullshit.

The Buccaneers are on the verge of quitting on Dirk Koetter

I think the Bucs are pretty close to quitting on their coach. Dirk Koetter with his weird librarian glasses and a fake name and his Brillo pad hair.

LeBron James is maybe better than Michael Jordan

And LeBron James... better than Michael Jordan, maybe. Tune into FS1, Colin Cowherd will tell you about it for the next four hours.

People who get upset about fans saying 'we' are worse than the fans who say it

I really think people who get this upset about it are worse than the people who say we. It's one of those situations where it's like I'll say we sometimes. I won't even think about it. I'll just say it. And if you get that upset about it, I mean, I'm not saying it like I'm part of it. Everyone knows I'm not part of the team.

The first two weeks of bowl season are usually when I make my money in gambling

This is usually the time of year that I do really well in gambling, actually. First two weeks of bowl season. That's when you make your money.

You shouldn't bet your life savings on any single game this weekend; spread it out

I don't feel comfortable betting all my life savings on one game, I would spread it out.

Home Run Derby participants always screw up their swings in the second half of the season

My other favorite part about the Home Run Derby is predicting which one of the participants the Home Run Derby is going to screw up their swing in the second half. Whoever wins.

Internet 'shoe roasts' of team jerseys are ruined because people complain about everything

This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful... The internet is so cynical all the time... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it... When you start picking out the Detroit Lions gray jerseys, kind of ruins it for everything else.

Buffalo Wild Wings is a moth to a flame that draws you in during airport delays

Flight got delayed for like two hours, and I was just staring at a Buffalo Wild Wings... My diet lasted about 10 hours because that Buffalo Wild Wings drew me in like a moth to a flame. And I was just like, I'll take five.

The Barstool Sports app is the worst app ever created

Barstool's app truly is the worst app that's ever been created... I think they made the Barstool app just to crash. Can we just make an app that just crashes all the time? And if you're looking at it from that perspective, it's the greatest app that's ever been created.