Takes

Will Smith is the greatest rapper of all time

I would have Will Smith number one. Fuck. And The Rock number two. He was pretty good on that Fuji song. Yes. And then John Cena. It would be majority just professional wrestlers.

Kobe Bryant being ranked 13th for the 2010s decade is fair

There was the all-decades list for the 2010s and Kobe was 13 on it, which I honestly think is like fair... If you're looking at the whole decade, his body of work over the 2010s is not like [first team].

The NFL 100 logo is terrible and looks like it belongs to an expansion league

My hot seat is the NFL 100 logo. I'm already sick of it... It's not that cool of a logo to begin with, but they've put it everywhere so far this year... It looks a little bit like an Expansion League football logo... like the AAF logo if it was designed by somebody with a head wound.

The Mets' strategy of having no plan is the perfect plan for the franchise

I love when the Mets have no plan, but pretend they have a plan because that's what you can rely on. So when you look at it from afar, their plan's working perfectly. Their no plan plan is a perfect plan for the Mets.

Edwin Encarnacion hasn't earned his Yankees pinstripes yet because the team lost the game where he hit two home runs

Newly acquired Yankees, Edwin Encarnacion... He had two home runs and the MLB tweeted out that the parrot has earned his pinstripes. But they lost the game, and then home runs meant nothing. You can't earn your pinstripes until you stop getting paid from your former employer.

Meryl Streep is the all-time GOAT of passive-aggressive comments

Meryl Streep is coming in... Meryl Streep is wrecking people. She's so – her little passive-aggressive comments. She is the all-time goat when it comes to passive-aggressive comments.

Fans building cup snakes at Wrigley Field are actually doing a favor to the recycling staff

We're talking about cup snakes where people are actually recycling. They're doing a favor to the Wrigley Field staff. They're collecting all the cups for them so they don't have to go around and get them after the game.

The SEC officiating Twitter account is just a shield to prevent fans from attacking the referees' personal accounts

This actually could be brilliant, though. If we're talking about SEC fan bases, I feel like they're the most likely to find the official's private personal accounts and go after them so this is just like hey no attack us right it's a shield.

I am in favor of the 'footballization' of every other sport

I'm in support of the footballization of any other sport. I want there to be a [challenge] flag. I want there to be the footballization of any other sport.

Challenges and replay in sports are bad because they prevent fans from complaining about being screwed

I'm firmly in the stance that everyone who wants more replay and more challenges, what you're going to do is you're going to get a world where we can't complain about anything. And watching sports is half of it is winning. And the other half is saying why your team didn't lose. They got screwed.

The Warriors training staff is sketchy and prioritizes the team over player health

My hot seat is the Warriors training staff. Since the Durant injury, there's been rumors about how Durant was ripshit over the Warriors training staff for kind of lying to him and telling him that the injury wasn't as bad... And Iguodala went on The Breakfast Club today, and he basically revealed himself that he had a fractured leg in the 2018 playoffs, but that was kept under wraps and downplayed.

I hate the Walenda family and their high-wire acts

My other hot seat is the Walendas. I fucking hate those people. I'm so sick of them. It is bullshit that you watch it and you're just hoping [they fall]. And they're on straps and those sisters singing about glory to God the whole time because, you know, really God cares about you being an idiot and walking on a high wire over Times Square.

Mark Zuckerberg is going to run the world and we should all start bootlicking him now

The guy who just stole the world's privacy and helped rig elections is now going to control our money... I'm going to start bootlicking the shit out of Mark Zuckerberg because he's going to, like it or not, he's going to run the world. So you might as well get on his side early.

LeBron James having a full head of hair again proves that wealth has officially cured baldness

I'm happy for LeBron because... there's a certain level of wealth/fame that if you can't figure out your hair, no one else has a shot in life. So LeBron is the perfect case where... you have to know that baldness has been cured by some level of wealth. This is the whole reason why people aspire to have wealth is so that they don't go bald.

The 'Dad Bod' trend is a total lie

Dad bod is such a lie... You love Seth Rogen because he's so funny and he gets high and he makes funny movies. That's not what every other dad bod [is]. We're dad bods because we're lazy and we're grumpy and we suck. At everything.

Dabo Swinney should be referred to as 'Osama bin Dabo'

Dabo Swinney said that when he's going on recruiting visits through Alabama, he's got to like duck cover, go in underground tunnels... He said that he is Osama bin Dabo when he's traveling throughout Alabama. So that's a pretty solid quote from Dabo Swinney... Osama bin Dabo is now officially what we're going to call Dabo Swinney from now.

Alexi Lalas has the most smug face in national sports media

Alexi Lalas looking like a smug prick on national television. It's Alexi Lalas season, and that means that he gets to stare into the camera after every single game looking smugly like he kidnapped your dog... He's back in a bit. He's got the most smug face, I think, on national sports media these days.

Rich people smell better than everyone else

Rich people just smell better. They look better. They smell better. They have everything that's better.

Rich people don't have locks on their bathroom doors because they are too wealthy to care if someone walks in

One thing I noticed from those experiences, rich people don't have locks on their bathroom. Oh, because you don't have to have a lock. It's like, oh, you walked in on me shitting? I don't care. I can buy and sell you.

The New York Yankees' no-beard policy is the dumbest rule in all of sports

[The New York Yankees' no-beard policy] is the dumbest rule in all sports. What happens if [Dallas Keuchel] signed? I would love to see Scott Boras right now if he finds out that Keuchel already gave away the beard in the negotiation for free.

The live-action Lion King remake looks bad

The Lion King looks weird, too. Like, that looks bad. It is. It's too much. Cartoons, anything can be a cartoon, and it's believable because it's a cartoon. But if it's like, oh, these lines look real life, and they're talking, it's like [scary].

The 'failed son' phenomenon is a real thing when you are a famous celebrity's child.

Yeah. What's the saying? It's like the first one builds it. The second one maintains it. The third one destroys it.

I am sick of The Rock posting relatable cheat meals while he's in peak physical condition

I'm putting The Rock on my hot seat because I'm sick of him posting his cheat meals. Being like, look how relatable this is, guys. I don't know if you noticed this, but like every month, Rock will post a huge pancake or something. And be like, damn, look at this cheat meal I'm about to devour. Being like, everyone out there, you know what it's like to eat like shit. Yeah, Rock, we eat like shit every fucking day. You're not cool because you eat a big pancake once every 30 days and you can deadlift 1,000 pounds and you spend your life in a fucking gym.

NCAA Football is the greatest video game of all time

NCAA video game is back. Well, maybe back. NCAA formed a committee to bring back the NCAA football game. And this is the greatest news I think that has ever happened in my life. Because that game is the best game ever.

NCAA Football is the best video game ever and much better than Madden

Best game ever. It really is. It really is. Better than Madden. I enjoyed playing NCAA football more than Madden.

Madden has become too realistic and is no longer fun to play

Madden got too hard. Madden got too hard in the last few years and it just didn't get fun. Everything was too realistic. Ever since the passing cone, really.

The new Sonic the Hedgehog movie looks incredible and will be the movie event of the millennium

The Sonic the Hedgehog trailer was just released, and it looks incredible. It is going to be the movie event of the millennium, I'm very confident in saying.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

NBA arena decibel readers are fraudulent and inflated by 30 decibels

A lot of people have started to download their own decibel readers on their phones, going to games, comparing them against what the scoreboard's showing. And guess what? Turns out it's like 30 decibels quieter than they're showing.

Steph Curry's ankle injury timing is perfect for providing an excuse if he plays poorly in the playoffs.

Steph Curry getting his yearly sprained ankle so that now when the playoffs start, we can say is Steph really 100% if he starts sucking? That was actually the perfect timing for him to roll his ankle.

The Masters deserves all the hype it gets and cannot be overhyped

You can't overhype the Masters. Take your microphone off. That's a bad take. The Masters deserve all the hype.

Patrick Reed's Masters menu looks like what a 14-year-old thinks an adult dinner is.

This menu really is like what a 14 year old would think an adult's menu looks like. He basically was forced to be like well I like steak and and I don't really like anything else. I like macaroni and cheese. I'm surprised chicken fingers weren't on here.

Tiramisu is an overrated dessert

The dessert is weird. It's tiramisu. Tiramisu is overrated, by the way.

The player who signs second between Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving will be viewed as the follower, not the leader.

Durant and Irving are debating on who will sign first. Why is that important? The player that is signed second is viewed as the follower, not the leader. Oh, my God. This league.

Tom Izzo is overrated until he wins a second title

Tom Izzo himself is on board the Tom Izzo is overrated bandwagon. He said that he needs another title to validate his time there as a head coach. Okay, so I'm going to consider that a win for myself. And if he wins this year, then guess what? I'm taking him off my overrated list.

Robert Kraft is probably guilty despite his 'not guilty' plea

Mr. Kraft... Not guilty. That's his plea. He still probably is guilty, but he pled not guilty. He pled not guilty to not being sorry. He's truly sorry for disappointing people, but he has pled not guilty.

I am officially canceling Beto O'Rourke because I don't know how to pronounce his name

I've already canceled you. I push you to the side, Beto, and you're done because I can't say your name. It's a very simple test. I need to be able to say your name [instantly].

The word 'thick' is officially cancelled because Trey Wingo used it

My hot seat this week is thick. ... I'm actually canceling thick. Because Trey Wingo, he caught wind of it. ... the fact that Trey used a double C, it was like watching Darren Rovell kill 69 jokes in real time.

The AAF's ratings increase is actually a bad sign because it means fans want 'too good' of football

Ratings were up last week big time... Especially considering that Christian Hackenberg got benched. So they benched him. I don't actually like the fact that ratings went up when he went out. It tells me that the viewers... They want too good a football. If you don't love me at my Hackenberg, you don't deserve me at my Mettenberger.

Anyone born before Woodstock is problematic

Anyone born before, I'm going to say, Woodstock is problematic.

I could hit a free throw blindfolded before I would ever miss 11 in a row like Ethan Happ

Ethan Happ, forward center for the Wisconsin Badgers... He has missed 11 in a row. Shut up. 11 in a row... I think you could blindfold me and I wouldn't miss 11 in a row. No chance would I miss 11 in a row.

NBA dads are correct that traveling is no longer called in the league

My cool throne is dads. Because we're all in agreement now that traveling is no longer called in the NBA. So, dads, you were right. They don't call it anymore. It was a gather step, bro. No, it was five steps... There were three gather steps, and then there were two more steps.

FaceTiming is terrible and no one over the age of 22 wants to do it

If you're over the age of 22, you never want to take the FaceTime. FaceTiming is terrible.

I will not view the Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team

I'm going to say something right now. It's bullshit, and I will not let it stand... I will not view the Los Angeles Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team. Asterix on all of it.

Drew Lock is an alpha male because he gave a reporter double finger guns and a wink

Drew Lock also had the most masculine moment of all time during his press conference today... Reporters were asking him questions. They started asking him how important it is to get his lower body into his throws. And in the middle of the question, he gave him the double finger guns and the wink... This dude is an alpha.

The Hulu Fyre Festival documentary is better than the Netflix one because the Netflix producers were complicit in the scam.

Hulu pulled up, pulled the alpha move and just released theirs like two or three days beforehand. And it has the actual founder of the Fyre Festival in the documentary... It will probably be better than the Netflix one because in the Hulu one, it says that the one produced by Netflix is featuring the Fuck Jerry people who were like complicit. Very, very, very complicit.

"Fuck it, let's just do it and be legends" is an awesome model for life.

We can pretend like we are scrupulous, but I would say that 'fuck it, let's just do it and be legends' is a pretty awesome model for life.

Being a 'tidying expert' is a fake job.

Marie Kondo is the hottest thing going on Netflix right now. She's a tidying expert from Japan... By the way, a tidying expert, that's a fake job. Just want to let you know, Marie, I don't care that you're a millionaire. You're so good at cleaning.

Gillette is wrong to lecture men about 'toxic masculinity'.

Gillette accused men who shave of having toxic masculinity. As someone that doesn't have to shave frequently, I'm less inclined to be toxically masculine... It's a fucking razor company. The best a man can get. When do razor companies start telling us like, commenting on societal problems? Isn't that a little weird?

Drake jinxes teams publicly and then bets against them to profit privately

Drake, is he the best gambler in the world? Because he basically wears the clothing of the team and then bets against them. And it always works in his way. So he wears Kentucky clothes, or he says he's an Alabama fan, and then he bets against them in the big game and cashes his tickets.