Takes

The NBA is officially the emo league

I'd like to just say I'm done with the word petty to describe the NBA. We passed petty like a year and a half ago. I think emo is now the correct answer.

One NFL coach will be fired before the end of the 2017 season

So Ben McAdoo, we're going to get one coach at least in the NFL is going to get fired before the end of the season. It usually happens.

The only consistent teams you can trust in the NFL are the Eagles and the Patriots

The only two consistents are the Patriots and the Eagles. So the only two teams at this point in the season where you can confidently say I would trust those teams.

The Houston Astros should have kept the center field hill

I wish that they had kept that hill because that is the dumbest thing that has ever been put in a baseball field, and it needed to stay.

I'm taking the Giants +3.5 at home against the Rams

I'm taking the Giants at home, plus three and a half against our man's Jared Goff. This is just one of those situations where you take the worst team you can find if they're home dogs.

Rushing Fall is the horse to watch in the Friday Breeders' Cup races

There's a horse named Rushing Fall, trained by Chad Brown... She's had two starts. She won them both. Last time out, she looked like an absolute superstar. I think she is on her way to maybe some spectacular things.

Deshaun Watson would have failed on the Browns because they ruin all quarterbacks

Deshaun Watson is forever going to be the could-have-been-on-the-Browns guy. But what people don't realize is he would have sucked on the Browns because that's what the Browns do to quarterbacks.

UConn Women's Basketball expects to win the national championship every single year

We expect to win the national championship every year. We know it's not possible... You're trying to put yourself in a position to have a shot every year, not to have these, you know, well, this is a rebuilding year.

Facial hair is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows you can hunt and gather

Facial hair on a man, that is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows that you can provide for a family, you can hunt, you can gather, you can do it all.

The Patriots are officially back with the best defense in the NFL

The Patriots were dead, and now all of a sudden they have the best defense. It's fucked up.

Razors in Halloween candy is a total myth

That's fake news. That never happens. You hear it every year, and you're like, parents, be careful... That's not true. There's nobody out there that's ever done the razor trick, in my opinion.

I will likely retire from the radio show in five or six years

Three or four. Five, maybe. Maybe five. I don't know. Maybe six. No more than five more years.

Carson Wentz is actually a good quarterback and I was wrong about him

And my other one is Carson Wentz. He's fucking good. And I, for a long time, said he sucked.

College football is more fun when Notre Dame is good

Notre Dame is back. And it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun to watch Notre Dame get their hopes all the way up. College football is significantly more fun when Notre Dame is back.

The Patriots and Seahawks will meet in the Super Bowl

Right now, if I had to pick two teams for the Super Bowl, I'd say the Patriots and the Seahawks.

The Dodgers are a better team than the Cubs

I am ready now to admit that the Dodgers are the better team. Was it a gentleman's sweep? Yeah, it was. I love the gentleman's sweep.

I'm taking the Eagles at home against the Redskins

I'm going to go with the Eagles at home against the R-Words. Ooh, Monday night.

The 49ers are 'cover machines' and I will keep betting on them

My cool throne is, number one, the 49ers for the gambling luck. They've lost the last, what, five games by three points or less? They're cover machines. I'm going to keep riding those Niners.

Freezing Reese's Peanut Butter Cups is the best way to eat them

Reese's, put them in the freezer, kids. That's the next level stuff. Everyone knows that.

The NFL is much worse without Aaron Rodgers

I do think the NFL is much worse without [Rodgers] because we already have a league with very few good quarterbacks, and Aaron Rodgers is probably the best one in the NFL.

Ronda Rousey is underrated for what she built in women's MMA

Underrated. Look at what she did. Look at what she built. She started it all... That whole combination of what she was is what built the women's mixed martial arts world. It's like a chicken and the egg phenomenon.

Barstool Van Talk on ESPN2 is the biggest opportunity we've ever had

We see this as probably the biggest opportunity we've ever had. And we know what's at stake for our entire company and for all the people that we work with and care about, and we want to do a great job, and all we care about is making sure we put on the best possible show.

The Red Sox are officially done and finished

Is it time to push the panic button? Would you say that the Red Sox are done or finished? Ah, they're done.

A manager getting ejected rallies the team like a big hit in hockey

When a manager gets kicked out, it rallies the troops like a big hit in hockey.

Mark Ingram has officially won the lead role in the Saints backfield over Adrian Peterson

Mark Ingram... he won the battle of who's going to be the bigger head on the two-headed running back committee in New Orleans... Adrian Peterson is out in Arizona.

Alex Smith is playing at an MVP level this season

Alex Smith is playing MVP-type football right now. ... you go down the line and they have stars everywhere.

Sam Bradford is officially 'injured' because wear and tear on a knee is a significant injury

I'm going to say this is actually injured. Like, wear and tear is, that's significant. That's a full injury.

I will never come out of retirement, no matter the offer

No amount of money will make me move from retirement... Physically nothing is wrong with me. I've been playing football for 20 years. I think it was time for me to give it a break and give it a rest.

I love the Packers moneyline and spread against the Cowboys

Love, love, love the Packers. Plus two. I love Moneyline. I love them straight up... Love the spread, love the money line.

John Lackey is the alpha of the Cubs clubhouse

Who's the alpha on the Cubs right now? [John] Lackey. I would say... This dude's an absolute animal... He's going to be pissed [if he doesn't make the postseason rotation], and rightfully so.

The World Series hangover is a real psychological and physical phenomenon for players

I think what you're seeing in baseball with the Cleveland Indians and the Chicago Cubs... is that the World Series hangover is for real, and these guys needed a little bit of an all-star break and now have hit their stride... It's as much mental as physical.

It is better to watch the Yankees lose late in the playoffs than in the Wild Card game

I'm going to disagree on the fact that you're glad they lost tonight because it's going to be so much better to watch them lose two games or three games.

Robot umpires would fundamentally change how catchers play defense

If you had the robot umpire and you now have a guy on first base, catchers have to worry about trying to frame the pitch before they throw out the runner. Now, if you had robot umpires and framing the pitch had no consequence... the catcher would just be in a position purely just to throw out the runner. You're changing the game.

Lock of the Week: Ravens +3 at home against the Steelers

I'm going to go with the Baltimore Ravens. Home dogs. Plus three. ... If I know Joe Flacco, and I know him pretty well, this is one of the weeks that he comes out and he has like three touchdowns and 320 yards.

Kentucky fans will eventually miss hating Rick Pitino

I think Kentucky fans are going to miss Rick Pitino. Hating Rick Pitino was awesome. He was the perfect villain. And I actually think I'm going to miss him.

Warren Moon is the best quarterback I ever played with and it's not even close

Warren Moon. It's not even close. Really? Warren Moon. We played two seasons together. I had 244 catches and 24 touchdowns in only two years.

Randy Moss will be a first-ballot Hall of Famer

I think he is [a first ballot Hall of Famer]. Yeah. He has the numbers. He had the type of impact on football that would warrant him going into the Hall of First Ballot.

Blake Bortles is officially back

So my who's back of the week is Blake Bortles of the Blake Bortles Wikipedia Club. Huge game. Four touchdowns. He's back.

I'm taking the under in the London game between the Jaguars and Ravens

So I am going to be taking an under in the London game. I'm here to announce that. Coming out of the closet as an, what do I call myself? Brave. The undercover boss?

The Redskins will cover +3 at home against the Raiders

I'm taking the R words. Plus three at home in the Sunday nighter against the Raiders coming into town... I immediately want to take the Raiders, and I know that I'm dumb, so I just flip it on myself.

The Dolphins will cover -6 against the Jets

I think we're going with the real Mr. Fourth Quarter. The Cuddy Buddy. Dolphins minus six [against the Jets].

The Bills will cover +3 as home dogs against the Broncos

I'll give you a home dog to keep your eye on... The Bills plus three against the Broncos. Trevor Siemian on the road. Do we trust him?

The NBA is better than any other league at staying relevant through drama during the off-season

The best thing about the NBA is they have done a great job of never having it end. So as soon as the NBA season ends, then you have the draft... free agency starts... summer league... then Kyrie demands a trade... it's a soap opera. It is the best.

I want to play one more NBA season after the 2017-18 season

God willing, body willing, I would like to play one more season after this one coming up.

LeBron James is the hardest working player I have ever been around

LeBron is the hardest working guy that I've ever been around. And I've played with Dirk, Tim Duncan, Steph Curry, Jason Kidd... the amount of time that he takes on his body... i'm just saying when I look at how hard the guy works, then I think a lot of that has to do with why he has avoided injuries.

Week 3 is the week we officially find out which NFL teams are frauds

There's a lot of frauds. And week three is who we find out. That's when we know who the frauds are.

The Saints will cover the spread (+7) against the Patriots

I have the New Orleans Saints covering at plus seven against the New England Patriots. That's a lot of points to give up at home in the Bayou.

I'm preemptively sad about Philip Rivers retiring

I'm going to preemptively get sad when Phil Rivers retires. He's becoming more and more Phil Rivers, if that's possible. It's like every stereotype, every caricature of Phil Rivers, like when you close your eyes, you think of Phil Rivers stomping, yelling at refs, giving weird faces, spiking the ball... his eyes bugging out on the sidelines.

Dale Jr. is the undisputed face of NASCAR

Dale Jr. is the face of NASCAR. Well, I mean, that would be Dale Jr. Oh, but he's retiring. Yeah, but he's definitely the face of NASCAR.

Gambling on the NFL is the hardest thing in the entire world

And two, gambling on the NFL is the hardest thing in the entire world, and no one should ever do it because it's god-awful.