Takes

I officially enjoy golfing and believe it is a fun sport

I actually enjoyed golfing and that is my fire fest. It's a fun sport. Like we had a very good time... it suck, we had such a good time. I feel bad even saying this... I enjoyed it.

I am going to do a 72-hour fast to reset my system

I'm thinking about doing a 72 hour fast... People help me out. Let me know if I can do a 72 hour fast... I wanna test myself. Can I stop my addiction to food for 48 hours? Probably not.

The altitude on airplanes causes people to cry during movies

I was tearing up [at the F1 movie]. It's the altitude. The altitude. I didn't even like the movie that much, but the end got me and they like, oh, it's 'cause you were on a plane. That's a thing.

You should never order appetizers at a steakhouse to maximize your sides

I'm of the mindset now that you don't need any appetizers at steakhouses. It's, it's a good place to run Zero apps... You don't need the calamari at a steakhouse... The sides at a steakhouse are elite. The mashed potatoes are always elite... mac and cheese always elite at a steakhouse, you wanna maximize your sides to go with a steak.

I bet on the Celtics at 15-to-1 odds to win the NBA Finals

I I did put a bet on the Celtics... 15 to one. Oh Nice. Yeah. That's huge... I swear to God I wasn't even thinking about bringing it up.

No one ever needs to actually 'check out' of a hotel

I've never checked out of a hotel in my entire life... The most I've ever done is once in a while... put your room key in here when you leave. Other than that... I think I threw it in the trash.

The best basketball game plan for a team that can't shoot is to stop shooting and hunt for the double bonus

The point of me saying to the guys don't shoot is we needed to get in the double bonus because we suck at shooting. Nicki Smokes just decided to take the game into his own hands... If we had double bonus, we probably would've won the game. We'd had two shots at every single one of them.

I would rather pay DraftKings $40,000 than pay Hank $40,000 for a lost bet.

I would rather pay DraftKings $40,000 than pay [Hank] 40,000. It's the ultimate emotional hedge spot for me. Worst case scenario, I lose my money, but I would gladly pay that much money for the Patriots to lose.

I have lost all hope in this Eagles team and they have to win me back

I have lost all hope in this Eagles team. They got, they have to win me back. I'm opening up that they could win me back. But right now, they have to prove it.

I can win the Internet Invitational golf tournament

I shot a 44 on the front today. I'm telling you guys, I think I can win the Internet Invitational. I think I can.

Glow-in-the-dark skeleton pajamas are the 'good suits' of pajamas

But you also have glow in the dark pajamas. Those are, those aren't regular pajamas. Those are the good suits of pajamas.

Kirk Cousins is a significantly better quarterback than Justin Fields

Kirk Cousins is a better quarterback than Justin Fields, Memes. I'm just telling you like, that is a, your season might end up turning. That's where I'm trying to come from. Like that's a guy who you could maybe go a little bit further in the season.

Football is not a breakfast sport; it is a beer sport meant for the afternoon and evening

Everything's just two nights in a row. ... I don't like the idea of waking up and having breakfast while football's coming up. Football is not a breakfast sport. Tennis is a breakfast sport. Golf can be a breakfast sport. ... Football is a beer sport.

Eating raw meat can lead to a psychotic break, as evidenced by the Liver King's recent behavior

Did you guys see that [the Liver King] was arrested for terroristic threats? Telling Joe Rogan that we're gonna drive to the house, maybe two to the chest, one to the head... I would just like to say don't eat raw meat because of that's what can happen. You can have a psychotic break.

Sugar cones with soft serve ice cream is crazy

I think sugar cones with soft serve is crazy. I think it's crazy. Soft serve ice cream will drip. ... Sugar cone's guaranteed dripping. ... Sugar cone is a classic ice cream cone [for scoops], not a soft serve cone.

Unsalted nuts suck; the saltier the better

Unsalted nuts suck. ... There's nothing worse than when you see like a, a thing of nuts and you take a little handful and it's unsalted nuts. Oh, unsalted nuts suck. No saltier the better.

The broomstick putter is superior for putting but makes the user look like a douche bag

I was putting as, as good as I ever have and I've just been battling wrestling with myself on if I'm gonna actually use it in real life... understandably so people are gonna be like, that guy is the biggest douche bag of all time... but I at least have to feel it out.

Smurf accounts and the 'Sharknado' meta are ruining the Marvel Rivals experience

The developers of Marvel rivals... are tanking the game. So they're, they're allowing these guys to do... Smurf account... and then they've changed the team up and now there's a sharknado that you can light on fire and the sharknado is ruining the game.

The Barstool office ice cream machine will finally be operational by Wednesday

99% chance there will be soft serve... We will be experiencing ice cream before July 4th break. Wednesday is when I want... Wednesday.

I am officially quitting golf and never want to look at a club again

I quit golf last week after a strenuous round that I played with Henry... I don't know if you guys have ever experienced this, but you get so bad during a round or so bad at something that you just completely mentally break and you're like, I never wanna look at a golf club again.

An NFL Draft Lottery would be a 'stupid, bad idea' that hurts the truly struggling teams

Mike Greenberg's dumb rules... Greenie yesterday... saying lottery to implement a draft lottery for, for the NFL... I don't think it's a good idea... it would be terrible for the NFL... it would suck for the teams that are actually terrible that don't have a quarterback.

I am significantly better than Hank at 16-inch softball

I am definitely so much better than Hank at 16-inch softball... I guarantee you. I can slap singles. I'm faster than Hank.

Helly is going to kill her father in the Severance Season 2 finale

I want death. I want multiple deaths. Oh, I think Helly's gonna kill her dad. No, I mean, she's showed... she tried to kill herself. They think that she's her daughter who's like the whatever of the company, but they don't know Hellie down there.

I will shoot an 84 in my first golf round of the year

I'll shoot 80. I guarantee I shoot 84 first round out this year.

Most women believe that all men are naturally capable of dunking a basketball regardless of size

My fiance just asked me with a straight face: When was the first time I dunked? She just assumed throughout our entire relationship I've been dunking... hubs tweeted this out last night... I wonder how fast she thinks I can throw a baseball... women just think that all men can dunk.

I am officially going to learn how to dunk a basketball

I have a announcement for you guys. Ready for this? I think I'm gonna dunk. I think I'm gonna dunk. I've never dunked, but I think I'm gonna train in dunk.

Big Cat would have to lose a significant amount of weight to ever dunk

I hope you could too. You would have to lose a lot of weight. I know you're not going, you're don't. I would, don't put a time.

The Super Bowl officially marks the end of winter

I'm keeping [the Christmas trees] up till after the Super Bowl. Super Bowl is the end of winter, as far as I'm concerned. That's the end of our season.

I'm done being ashamed of being from Massachusetts; I am a Chicago fan for life

I was born and raised in Newton, Massachusetts... I'm done with [being ashamed]. I have a fucking awesome life... my fandom of the Chicago teams is genuine... I am a Chicago fan for the rest of my life now.

Speakeasies should be illegal to be authentic

I don't think that there should be speakeasies unless they're actually like illegal places where you can like smoke inside and like, it's against the law. That's what a speakeasy should be... It's stolen valor. If I look at your wall and you have your health department grade on the wall, [it's not a speakeasy].

The Meta Quest 3 is significantly better than the Apple Vision Pro

I got the Apple Vision Pro like seven months ago. What a waste of fucking money that was. That was probably the the biggest waste of money I've ever had in my entire life... picked up the Meta Quest 3. That thing rocks... this kicks the shit out of the Apple Vision Pro.

Opting out of the lottery ball should be grounds for losing your job

If you Opt outta a lottery ball, you're opting outta the booth. Is that what you're doing? And then you might be opting outta your job. I don't understand this. Hank is the very definition of grace. You could complain, you could bitch... You can't Opt out.

Mike Tyson is in a dark, 'no fucks given' place and might actually beat Jake Paul

That tells me Mike Tyson is, he is locked in right now. He's in a dark, no fucks given place right now. He's just [talking to a kid about death]... it actually does make me think that Mike Tyson might be able to do it.

The only way to effectively lose weight is to completely cut out carbohydrates

I say this as someone who fluctuates weight more than Oprah. Any, the only time it's ever worked for me, which I've been doing recently, is just during the week. It's no carbs... If you don't eat carbs, the weight will come off.

Men posing with their arms around each other is the weirdest thing

We as guys, we as guys gotta stop doing the arms around each other. This picture. It's the fucking weirdest thing we do... There's nothing worse than doing the awkward like post golf round. Yeah. 10 dudes just standing with their arms around each other.

The Eagles fleeced the Commanders in the Jahan Dotson trade

I like Jahan Dotson, a Penn State fan who's a beast at Penn State. Good wide receiver three. Give up a third, get back a fifth. Very happy. Fleeced. Fleeced.

I would rather buy new clothes than walk through a spider-infested hallway to do laundry

I have to share that laundry room with three other units... there's spiders all the way up and down the wall... I'm afraid to go down there... So I bought new clothes, bought just essential stuff.

I'm officially 'washed' after struggling in the home run derby

Tuesday night we hit dingers... but I think I'm officially, officially washed because... I was halfway through the whole competition and I looked at the leaderboard and it was like me, Titus, Chief, Brandon... every guy who's 37 plus. I was maxing out everything I had and it wasn't that good.

I wasn't going to fake a celebration for the cameras just because the Celtics won the championship

I just don't know really. Like I was thinking that what should I do? And I kind of knew that that was gonna be the reaction, but I also wasn't gonna fake it. Like I wasn't gonna drop to my knees and be like, you guys knew you were gonna win after game three.

The USMNT should reach the quarterfinals of the 2026 World Cup

I think our ceiling is probably the semi-finals at the very best in the next World Cup... Quarterfinals in the World Cup. And we've got a good enough team. The players are good enough to do it.

Gregg Berhalter is a shitty coach

Our coach stinks. And having him get this tie against Brazil is gonna—because we are a loser country in soccer—[make people think] Greg's got the team on the right track and he's not gonna be fired... I do know that it's gonna be bad news if he's the coach of the World Cup team.

The USMNT's tie against Brazil is actually 'bad news' because it keeps Gregg Berhalter around

This was a bad tie because now it's gonna keep a shitty coach around because people are gonna be like, 'Good job Greg. You're coaching for your job and you got a major win when you tied Brazil.' ... It's gonna be bad news if he's the coach of the World Cup team.

Age 40 is a major cutoff; your fitness level on the day you turn 40 determines your physical trajectory for the rest of your life.

It's time to get back in shape. Gotta get in shape before you're 40. I feel like anything you do before you're 40, that's who you're gonna be after 40. 40 is like a big cutoff. If I'm in shape the day I turn 40, I can get fat and then get back in shape. No problem.

People catching and eating cicadas at baseball games will be a viral trend this summer

We're gonna see more and more, I predict this summer of just cicada cam. Just people just grabbing a cicada and eating it on camera. . . normalize it.

I am a better athlete than Hank, despite being nine years older than him

I honestly don't, like no offense to you, but I don't think it's like a washed up thing. I think just PFT and I are better athletes than you. We're nine years older than you and still better athletes than you. ... I beat you in every combine event.

The Bears are back now that they've extended Jaylon Johnson

Jaylon Johnson extended... Four-year deal. He was franchise tagged and they were saying they were gonna keep working on it. Fucking love it. It's a good move. Oh, bears are back.

I am going to pimp out Vanny Woodhead and bring the van back to life in Chicago

We are going to get Vanny to Chicago. We have, we're in a different financial situation than we were six years ago. So I'm gonna probably put some money into this Vanny, pimp it out, figure out how to make it technically exist again. And now we'll have Vanny back in our lives. Like this trip to Indy would've been a perfect, let's just hop in Vanny. Yeah. So we're I Vanny is back.

I am returning to a private lifestyle because the internet ruined the Tiffany Gomas content

I will definitely be going back to, to zero dark private life mode... because it's fun. I enjoy it and, and you know, 99% of the people are fun. They play along... But then there's the 1% of people, people that will DMM and, and, and, and just go way over the top.

You would always rather give up a solo home run than a walk in the 9th

Top of the ninth, up 3-1. First batter. Would you rather give up a walk or a solo shot? I'd rather give up a solo shot. [Because with a walk] all of a sudden the tying run is on base and it's just all the nerves. Tension. I texted Dan Haren and he said 'no question you'd rather give up a solo shot.'

The Cubs will not make the playoffs after their September collapse

The Cubs have had just an epic collapse. The Cubs are most likely not going to make the playoffs because they don't have any tiebreakers. Suzuki just missed a ball, it went right by him. Easy catch. There's nothing worse than a September collapse.