Takes

No one ever needs to actually 'check out' of a hotel

I've never checked out of a hotel in my entire life... The most I've ever done is once in a while... put your room key in here when you leave. Other than that... I think I threw it in the trash.

I have lost all hope in this Eagles team and they have to win me back

I have lost all hope in this Eagles team. They got, they have to win me back. I'm opening up that they could win me back. But right now, they have to prove it.

Evanston at 11:00 AM is the toughest place to play in the country

I have a longstanding theory that Evanston at 11:00 AM is the toughest place to play in the country. And then Fox has a stats person who looked it up to try to give me some juice for it. It was just like, this is probably why.

I can win the Internet Invitational golf tournament

I shot a 44 on the front today. I'm telling you guys, I think I can win the Internet Invitational. I think I can.

Sugar cones with soft serve ice cream is crazy

I think sugar cones with soft serve is crazy. I think it's crazy. Soft serve ice cream will drip. ... Sugar cone's guaranteed dripping. ... Sugar cone is a classic ice cream cone [for scoops], not a soft serve cone.

The broomstick putter is superior for putting but makes the user look like a douche bag

I was putting as, as good as I ever have and I've just been battling wrestling with myself on if I'm gonna actually use it in real life... understandably so people are gonna be like, that guy is the biggest douche bag of all time... but I at least have to feel it out.

The 'Sharknado' meta and Smurf accounts are ruining Marvel Rivals

The developers of Marvel rivals... are tanking the game. So they're, they're allowing these guys to do... Smurf account... and then they've changed the team up and now there's a sharknato that you can light on fire and the sharknato is ruining the game. It's bad.

The Barstool office ice cream machine will finally be operational by Wednesday

99% chance there will be soft serve... We will be experiencing ice cream before July 4th break. Wednesday is when I want... Wednesday.

I am significantly better than Hank at 16-inch softball

I am definitely so much better than Hank at 16-inch softball... I guarantee you. I can slap singles. I'm faster than Hank.

Helly is going to kill her father in the Severance Season 2 finale

I want death. I want multiple deaths. Oh, I think Helly's gonna kill her dad. No, I mean, she's showed... she tried to kill herself. They think that she's her daughter who's like the whatever of the company, but they don't know Hellie down there.

I will shoot an 84 in my first golf round of the year

I'll shoot 80. I guarantee I shoot 84 first round out this year.

Most women believe that all men are naturally capable of dunking a basketball

My fiance just asked me with a straight face. When was the first time I dunked. She just assumed throughout our entire relationship I've been dunking... hubs is probably about my height. And he's bringing to light the, the fact that a lot of women just think that all men can dunk.

I am officially going to learn how to dunk a basketball

I have a announcement for you guys. Ready for this? I think I'm gonna dunk. I think I'm gonna dunk. I've never dunked, but I think I'm gonna train in dunk.

Big Cat would have to lose a significant amount of weight to ever dunk

I hope you could too. You would have to lose a lot of weight. I know you're not going, you're don't. I would, don't put a time.

The Super Bowl marks the official end of winter

I'm keeping [the Christmas trees] up till after the Super Bowl. Super Bowl is the end of winter, as far as I'm concerned. That's the end of our season... that's the sign of spring to me.

Speakeasies should be illegal to be authentic

I don't think that there should be speakeasies unless they're actually like illegal places where you can like smoke inside and like, it's against the law. That's what a speakeasy should be... It's stolen valor. If I look at your wall and you have your health department grade on the wall, [it's not a speakeasy].

The Meta Quest 3 is significantly better than the Apple Vision Pro

I got the Apple Vision Pro like seven months ago. What a waste of fucking money that was. That was probably the the biggest waste of money I've ever had in my entire life... picked up the Meta Quest 3. That thing rocks... this kicks the shit out of the Apple Vision Pro.

Opting out of the lottery ball should be grounds for losing your job

If you Opt outta a lottery ball, you're opting outta the booth. Is that what you're doing? And then you might be opting outta your job. I don't understand this. Hank is the very definition of grace. You could complain, you could bitch... You can't Opt out.

Men posing with their arms around each other is the weirdest thing

We as guys, we as guys gotta stop doing the arms around each other. This picture. It's the fucking weirdest thing we do... There's nothing worse than doing the awkward like post golf round. Yeah. 10 dudes just standing with their arms around each other.

The Eagles fleeced the Commanders in the Jahan Dotson trade

I like Jahan Dotson, a Penn State fan who's a beast at Penn State. Good wide receiver three. Give up a third, get back a fifth. Very happy. Fleeced. Fleeced.

I would rather buy new clothes than walk through a spider-infested hallway to do laundry

I have to share that laundry room with three other units... there's spiders all the way up and down the wall... I'm afraid to go down there... So I bought new clothes, bought just essential stuff.

Hitting too many 'dingers' caused my bicep tendonitis

I have bicep tendonitis in my right arm from hitting dingers... it hurts to lift my right arm. So the backswing, there's a lot of pain.

I'm officially 'washed' after struggling in the home run derby

Tuesday night we hit dingers... but I think I'm officially, officially washed because... I was halfway through the whole competition and I looked at the leaderboard and it was like me, Titus, Chief, Brandon... every guy who's 37 plus. I was maxing out everything I had and it wasn't that good.

I wasn't going to fake a celebration for the cameras just because the Celtics won the championship

I just don't know really. Like I was thinking that what should I do? And I kind of knew that that was gonna be the reaction, but I also wasn't gonna fake it. Like I wasn't gonna drop to my knees and be like, you guys knew you were gonna win after game three.

Gregg Berhalter is a shitty coach

Our coach stinks. And having him get this tie against Brazil is gonna—because we are a loser country in soccer—[make people think] Greg's got the team on the right track and he's not gonna be fired... I do know that it's gonna be bad news if he's the coach of the World Cup team.

People catching and eating cicadas at baseball games will be a viral trend this summer

We're gonna see more and more, I predict this summer of just cicada cam. Just people just grabbing a cicada and eating it on camera. . . normalize it.

I am going to pimp out Vanny Woodhead and bring the van back to life in Chicago

We are going to get Vanny to Chicago. We have, we're in a different financial situation than we were six years ago. So I'm gonna probably put some money into this Vanny, pimp it out, figure out how to make it technically exist again. And now we'll have Vanny back in our lives. Like this trip to Indy would've been a perfect, let's just hop in Vanny. Yeah. So we're I Vanny is back.

I am returning to a private lifestyle because the internet ruined the Tiffany Gomas content

I will definitely be going back to, to zero dark private life mode... because it's fun. I enjoy it and, and you know, 99% of the people are fun. They play along... But then there's the 1% of people, people that will DMM and, and, and, and just go way over the top.

You would always rather give up a solo home run than a walk in the 9th

Top of the ninth, up 3-1. First batter. Would you rather give up a walk or a solo shot? I'd rather give up a solo shot. [Because with a walk] all of a sudden the tying run is on base and it's just all the nerves. Tension. I texted Dan Haren and he said 'no question you'd rather give up a solo shot.'

The Cubs will not make the playoffs after their September collapse

The Cubs have had just an epic collapse. The Cubs are most likely not going to make the playoffs because they don't have any tiebreakers. Suzuki just missed a ball, it went right by him. Easy catch. There's nothing worse than a September collapse.

I cannot run a 5K in under 33 minutes

I'm not gonna be able to run under 33 minutes. I'm not gonna be able to do that and I can't do that. Physically... I'm going to end up, I'm gonna get an injury. Like my back is gonna, is gonna come out.

Everyone gaslights me into thinking I play golf all the time

You gaslight people into thinking I play all the time. [Big Cat asks: how many times this week?]. Two... I just picked up a little hobby, something to do on the side. Everyone in all these comments are like, oh someone that plays golf so much, you suck, you suck. You assholes have somehow got it in a world where I don't even want to play golf because I just know people are gonna be mean to me.

Orcas are attacking boats to train their young to hunt, not for revenge

Update on those orca attacks. Turns out the orcas may be using the boats that they're attacking to train the younger orcas, how to hunt. It may not be some sort of retribution situation.

I am going to start taking Ozempic to lose weight.

I'm just gonna go on Ozempic. I don't fucking care. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna tell everyone to do it and then I'm gonna look hot and then I'll get off of it and then I'll gain it all back. Drop like 25 pounds and then just slowly gain it back.

Age and gender do not matter in pickleball

I'm telling you, if you play pickleball, you know that age, gender doesn't matter. Everyone plays together. Age is not a thing in pickleball. If you're good, you're good, you can hang.

I will join the 1,000 pound club naturally within a year

Challenge myself and I'm gonna get hurt. And that's gonna suck... I'm gonna try to do a thousand pound club, Billy... It's deadlift, squat, bench. A thousand pounds... I'm doing it all natural. No, I'm doing it. It's either all natural or can't do.

I won't buy a golf bag until I break 130

I'm building myself up like a video game character in golf where I'm not allowing myself to get a golf bag until I break 130. That means that I'm carrying around a full set of clubs whenever I go to golf anywhere... I've literally taken a belt and I've wrapped it around my golf clubs and tightened it to keep them all together.

I am having a third child and I purposefully conceived to ensure it wouldn't be born during football season

I'm having another child, so congrats. Father three loading... early June... Are you purposely conceiving for the off-season? I mean, yeah... it's nice not having children during football season. I am a football guy.

I will cut my hair short by the summer if it doesn't improve

I'm dealing with my hair issue... noticeably thinning out back there. I've made the executive decision if it doesn't improve by the summer, we're taking it off. We're going short... I got my own blood injected into my head earlier today... if I haven't turned it around by then, gotta come home.

The NBA Western Conference is trash while the Eastern Conference is stacked

I watched the Nuggets, absolutely smoked the Clippers... damn, the Nuggets are good. The Western conference isn't that great this year. ... The Western conference is trash. The Eastern conference is stacked. Stacked.

I am losing 25 pounds in 2023 for my 'hard body' year

2023 is a hard body year. I'm gonna get a hard body... I'm losing 25 pounds in 2023. Losing 25 pounds in 2023... January 1st, new me.

Modern truck auto-stop engine technology is dangerous and poorly designed

Every time you stop, it'll go to a full stop, the engine turns off... The thing is the car has to turn off and start back up again. And if people know, like the more miles you get on a truck, the more times you start a truck, the engine's gotta turn over... It happened to me in a busy ass intersection and I couldn't get the truck back started... putting people like myself in danger.

I am officially in my annual 'betting unders' phase

I'm starting to like betting unders and it's a phase I don't like and I do it every year. I win one under and I'm like, that was easy. I'm deep in it right now. I only look at the board and I'm like, 'Oh, I love all these unders.' It's gross. I'll phase out of it and get back to betting on the over for games that I like the under.

Fans who return historic baseballs for little reward are likely getting paid secretly

I have a take. I think that [MLB teams] are paying these guys a lot, but they don't make it public how much they're giving them because they don't wanna raise the price for future type memorabilia. All those times you're like, oh, this person's stupid for just taking that much... I think they're getting paid off behind the scenes.

Tuna is the beef of the sea and Salmon is the chicken of the sea

Tuna is the beef of the sea. Salmon's the chicken of the sea. [Big Cat: Tuna cans literally say chicken of the sea.] No, because it's red. It's the beef.

We are getting ripped off because guests aren't paying us $50,000 to appear on the podcast

We're getting ripped off as a podcast because that came out yesterday saying that people are paying up to $50,000 to appear on podcast. No one's ever even approached us and asked us to pay for coming on our podcast. In fact, it's only been the other way around... We should start billing people that have already been on the show.

Wednesday is the worst night of the week for an adult to get drunk

I learned when I was like 34 years old to never, ever drink on a Wednesday. Wednesday is the worst night of the week to get drunk on by far... Thursday is a wash, Friday you're stricken with panic. You can't even enjoy your Friday cause you're trying to catch up on everything that you missed on Thursday.

Monday is the worst night of the week to drink

Doing anything bad to your body on a Monday is just like a killer way to start off a week. Like it will just completely bare... I still think Monday would be the worst. I think if you start, if you really drunk on Monday night, your whole week is fucked. You're just fucked.

I'm betting on a Subway Series between the Mets and Yankees in the World Series

I'm putting in subway series, future. The Mets and the Yankees to meet in the world series. I think it's 14 to one... I just want to see it in this office and the chaos that ensues.

Ryan Fitzpatrick will return from retirement halfway through the 2022 season

Ryan Fitzpatrick just retired. Ah, damn. He'll be back. Yeah. That's not a real retirement. No chance. Halfway through the season, somebody gets hurt. [He'll be] back. No chance.