Takes

Any lower-body injury for a person over 251 pounds is life-threatening

If you weigh more than 251 pounds, any injury that you have below your waist is a severe issue. It's life-threatening.

Pregnancy is technically a performance enhancing drug for athletes

Serena Williams how she got pregnant and how being pregnant is technically a performance enhancing drug because she has more blood in her system because she's not on the dot anymore and since she has more blood she's got more red blood cells which means she's circulating oxygen at a higher rate.

The Capitals will sweep the Penguins in the next round of the playoffs

I've taken my fingers so far off the panic button. I've got ones in the air right now. I've got my finger in the air calling it. We're going to sweep the Penguins. Next round. I'm not even concerned with Maple Leafs anymore.

Mike Glennon will definitely win the NFL MVP this year

Is this the year Mike Glennon wins the MVP? Yes, definitely. Yes. Just saying weird things are afoot.

Being pregnant is technically a performance enhancing drug for female athletes

Chicks get a glow when they get pregnant... statistically proven that teams that wear red-colored uniforms do better because red is the color of dominance. So anytime you start to glow when you're pregnant, it gives you the edge. So technically, being pregnant is a PED.

The US has never bombed a country that could play basketball

We've never bombed a country that could play basketball. It's true. It's the NBA war theory.

Roger Goodell looks like a genius for waiting to punish Aaron Hernandez

Roger Goodell... looks like a genius in hindsight like he he played this discipline policy as perfectly as you can do it he would have been in serious serious legal trouble of his own if he had suspended Hernandez for these two murders and then he was found not guilty.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL uses fake quotes for PR

The theory of this show is that John Madden has been dead for years and that the NFL just uses fake John Madden quotes for PR. Anytime you want to get real football fans behind you, just tell them that John Madden says it's like this.

United Airlines should fix its PR by making people horny with porn links

If you make us horny, guess what? We're not angry anymore... Just tweet out porn. Be like, hey, it's now being reported that this guy was a porn freak or something. Be like, hey, you know who else was a porn freak? United. And then just start giving us free links.

The Bears are officially 'back' because Aaron Rodgers broke up with Olivia Munn

Aaron Rodgers versus the Bears while dating Olivia Munn. The Bears were 1-5... Before he was dating Olivia Munn, he was 10-3... So the Bears are back is what you're telling me right now.

LeBron James would not be an all-time great if you removed the 30 feet around the basket

If you took away the 30 feet around the basket, though, LeBron James would not be an all-time great basketball player. He relies way too much on driving and his jump shot... On the high percentage shots. And dunks and, yeah, anything inside the logo.

No species has ever created another species through procreation

I don't believe in evolution in the sense that a dog mating with a dog makes a dog. No species has ever created another species through procreation.

Modern starting pitchers are soft for only throwing 180 innings

Today it's going to be harder [for pitchers to get in the Hall] because they're doing less. You've got starters who go out and have a full season and have 180 innings. I mean, that's the equivalent of having a vagina... As a starter, your job is innings.

The NFL should let fans call in penalties from their couches like the LPGA

I love this rule. This is my favorite part about golf by far. Anybody at home has deputized themselves as a rules official... the NFL could deal they could adopt this rule I want to sit at home I want to call face masks from my couch and i want dean blandino to have to review the tape.

Tim Tebow's lifetime of competition will help him hit a curveball

He was actually competing before he was even born because he was supposed to be aborted... He beat an abortion doctor. Yes. He's been winning for so long... And again, that will help him hit a curveball.

A man cave should function as a legal safe haven where murder doesn't count

I think being in a man cave is basically like a lawyer's office for dudes... Murder doesn't count in a man cave. I don't know what they were doing. They were hanging up St. Pauli girl neon beer signs... whatever, just guys being guys in the man cave.

Eating dinner with a woman who isn't your wife is a form of cheating

I think that eating is a form of cheating. I think eating is actually worse than sex. Because if you think back to cavemen, cavemen, they wouldn't share a meal, right? But they go around fucking everything. That's guy stuff. Guys like to fuck... But eating, it's like, no, this is my sacred energy source. I'm not going to share it with you.

The Golden State Warriors are a worse team with Kevin Durant

I said that they were going to be worse with [Kevin Durant]. I said that. I was the only one. You called me an idiot. Guess what? The black hole is leaving Oakland, but he's the new black hole. You pass the ball to him, it disappears... I think he's the second best player in the NBA, but I think that they're a worse team with him.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL is just faking his endorsements

I think that John Madden's actually dead. I think that the NFL is just attributing quotes to John Madden when they make changes to the game of football so that everybody would be like, oh, well, John Madden's a football guy. He approves of this change.

The South Carolina Gamecocks should change their name to just 'The Cox' because Gamecocks is offensive

South Carolina should change its name from the Gamecocks, which is offensive, to just the Cox. Which is not. It's 2017.

Every coach who doesn't win the National Championship should be fired

Every coach that doesn't win the national championship should probably get fired. I agree. It's a failure.

Always eat ass on the first date

If it smells nice, I eat it, lick it, eat the ass, and then worry about it later... Do you eat ass on first date? ... You got to. You got to.

If they took away shots over 20 feet, Steph Curry would be an average player

If they took away the 20 to 50-foot shot, then Steph Curry would probably only average like 22 points a game.

Colin Kaepernick's humanitarian aid in Somalia is actually supporting piracy

He flew like 60 tons of food to Somalia, which if you want to take it to its logical conclusion, which we always do, he is supporting piracy, right? Because some of those kids are going to grow up and become pirates.

There is a very fine line between football leadership and pedophilia

There's a very fine line between football leadership and pedophilia... you want a coach who could pull out his penis at any given time, but actually doesn't pull out his penis at any given time. But you want that edge.

Bob Huggins will have a heart attack in the finals because of the desert heat

Bob Huggins is going to have a heart attack during the game or at the end of the game. Leave it all out on the court, and they're going to win... And it's in the desert, too. Way too hot for Huggie Bear.

The Somali Pirates are a dynasty

My cool throne Somali Pirates. They robbed a ship for the first time in five years. Hell yes. So they are back. Is it fair to say the Somali Pirates are a dynasty now?

Larry Bird, John Wooden, and Jerry Garcia are all effectively the same person

Understand that Larry Bird and John Wooden and Jerry Garcia are all the same person. And this sense of humanity, the sense of selflessness, the sense of leadership, the sense of assuming responsibility to be the guy and to be able to deliver every single night.

Kevin Durant is a front-running coward and a baby back bitch

Kevin Durant, pros. He's probably top three NBA player, probably best scorer, pure scorer in the NBA. Cons, skinny knees, slouches, and is a coward, front-running coward, and a baby back bitch.

Mike Glennon is going to be great and perfect for the Chicago Bears

Mike Glennon's gonna be great for the Bears he's gonna be perfect and he is exactly he's exactly who the Bears would get in this situation because when you look at all the Bears quarterbacks they all suck... you need the guy who half the city is like, I think he could be okay. And then the rest of the city is like, you guys are all idiots.

I could easily kill a wolf one-on-one with my bare hands

I would be able to take a Wolf one-on-one... His point is exactly right. Wolves don't have thumbs. People forget that. So I would just grab the wolf's little neck and snap that thing. Wolf wouldn't even know what hit him.

Michael Jordan could still average 15 points and 5 assists in the NBA right now

I don't want to say it, but I think he knows that I know that he knows he could probably still drop like 15 with maybe five assists a night in the NBA.

Patrick Mahomes' small hands are a reason not to pick him in the draft

I also saw that Mahomes had small hands, so be careful of that. Don't worry about the fact that he played in a Kliff Kingsbury offense, and it was an air raid... His hands, a little undersized. That's why you shouldn't pick them. I actually like him. I think he actually would be good for them.

Redskins GM Scott McCloughan has been dead for a year

I think he's been dead for a year... it's Bruce Allen who's just pretending like Scott [is alive]... If you want to deflect blame to somebody else, have a dead guy in the closet. Never bring him out in front of the media. And every time he fucks something up, be like, it's the dead guy's fault.

Female orgasms and the G-spot do not actually exist

Raven told Nick that her ex-boyfriend never gave her an orgasm. That's because orgasms don't exist for chicks. Oh, yeah. The old G-spot? ... That's the, hey, you know the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch in the G-spot?

Concussions are a private family matter and the government should stay out of it

Whether or not a kid has a concussion, that's a private matter. That's a family matter. It's nobody's business. Handle it behind closed doors. Keep your government Dr. Obamacare death panel hands off my son. I'm going to be the one to tell whether or not he's seeing double.

Actors should only be eligible for Oscars if they are from America

Not to be xenophobic, but I don't think you should be eligible to win an Oscar if you're not from America. I kind of agree. This is our thing. This is our show.

Skip Bayless is right that Bill Belichick is only a very good coach, not a great one, because he hasn't won without a quarterback

Kings stay kings. He said, I don't think he's a great coach. I think he's a very good one... Bill Belichick has not won a Super Bowl without a quarterback. Not that good. He's good. He's great. He's very good, but he's not great. Right. Exactly.

Larry II committed suicide because he couldn't face an NFL offseason without football

Possible suicide because Larry was a football guy. He loved gambling. He was really good at it. He liked the games. He got a little taste of what the offseason looked like... the week without football really crushed him, and he couldn't bear looking ahead to the next six months without any games.

Kobe Bryant failed in his attempt to copy Michael Jordan's entire career

Do you ever sit back and you are like, damn, Kobe Bryant tried to copy everything Michael Jordan did and he totally failed?

Donald Trump not filling out a March Madness bracket is the most treasonous thing a person could do

Trump has said that he's not filling out a bracket for March Madness. Not filling out a bracket is probably the most treasonous thing you could do. I agree. I think that this could be what flips some Republicans.

Lawrence, Kansas is a great everything-else town, but college sports is on the back burner

I don't think that necessarily [Lawrence is] a bad sports town. I just think that they're a great everything else town. And, you know, they keep it in the right perspective, and college sports is on the back burner.

Alabama could win 10 games with my dick as offensive coordinator

At the very least, Chip's going to win 10 games at Alabama because Alabama could win 10 games with my dick at offensive coordinator.

Every game in sports history is fixed

My take is, I don't know for certain, which is why I asked the question. Everything in the history of the world is fixed. Every game is fixed. Everything is fixed.

The Cleveland Browns will go 8-8 and Hue Jackson will be Coach of the Year in 2017

Hugh Jackson is going to go eight and eight next year. The Cleveland Browns are going to turn it around. He can build on that one-win season. Hugh Jackson, coach of the year, 2017. Book it.

The NFL is stirring up political protests via back channels to boost the Falcons' Rise Up hashtag

A little stay woke on this. NFL stirring up controversy through back channels to get people to tweet the Rise Up hashtag. I actually completely agree with you because what's one of the storylines of this Super Bowl? Atlanta, bad sports town. Not a lot of Falcons fans. Guess what? Now we are all Falcons fans.

Kentucky basketball fans wouldn't care if Charles Manson were their coach as long as he won titles

I was like, look, let's be real about what [John Calipari's] job is, is to win basketball games and compete for national titles. And I was like, given how the Kentucky fan base is so rabid, they wouldn't care if Charles Manson was their coach as long as he won a title.

Losing an eye is actually a performance-enhancing drug for basketball players

I'm going to go with hurt, not injured on this one. So if you lose an eye, you don't have to worry about depth perception. It's like when you're shooting a rifle, you close one eye... Losing an eye is a performance-enhancing drug.

The NFL is in cahoots with the Green Bay Packers and Dallas Cowboys

Because everybody loves Green Bay. Everybody wants to see Green Bay on top. ... Oh, so conspiracy. The league. The league has a conspiracy. ... Headline grab. ... Green Bay is in cahoots with the league. Yeah. They like the... Done. It was Dallas, you know.

The Packers are essentially ISIS for Jordy Nelson wearing a Kevlar vest

This is a respect to biz for Jordy Nelson to start respecting the military more. It's stolen valor for him to be wearing body armor without actually getting shot at during the game. ... Basically the Packers are ISIS.