Takes

The NFL should implement the 'Romney Rule' requiring one white cornerback per team

There should also be a rule that says every team should have one defensive back that's a white guy... cornerbacks specifically because there are a lot of Eric Weddle types running around out there... we white people need to look at ourselves and say, are we doing enough to make a change in society?

The Olympics should stop providing condoms to encourage the breeding of a super race

I think that there should actually be no condoms inside the Olympic Village. These are... the top true of the top one percent genetically. It should be like a rabbit farm in there. We should be forcing them to breed with each other. No condoms.

Cyborg Santos is only 'hurt' despite a fractured skull because Russell Westbrook played with a similar injury

So hurt or injured. I'm saying hurt. simply because Russell Westbrook had this same injury. He dented his face, and I think he scored like a billion points after that.

Johnny Manziel should drink more beer to fix his image and show he's a leader

My PR 101 to Johnny is, like, toughen up your image a little bit. Be a little bit of a bad boy. Have a couple beers. No big deal. Just kind of, like, let people know you're a regular dude.

Pat Riley is going to die soon because he's spending 10 days writing a single email

Pat Riley's going to die soon. ... Dwayne Wade thing pretty hard. And he said, ... Pat hasn't spoken to Dwayne post decision yet. He said, I've been crafting a very long email to him. He's been writing an email for like 10 days now. I feel like that's the end. When you're just sitting there with an open Word document and he's like, don't bother me.

Hockey helmets have increased concussions because they evolved the human skull to be thinner

I actually think that helmets have done more to increase concussions in hockey than they've done to help because it's like evolution. It kicks in a little bit and your brain, your skull doesn't have to be as thick anymore. Like the way that we coddle these athletes, it's actually hurting them in the long term.

Miko Grimes' antisemitic comments can be 'solved' by starting a foundation Twitter account to blame interns

Just start a Twitter account in the foundation's name, the Miko Grimes Foundation account. Then you can say an intern was tweeting and dropping hard J's on everyone's face... when shit hits the fan... boom, intern tweeted it we fired him it's been taken care of.

J.J. Watt is personally responsible for sweatshop conditions in China and polluting the planet via his Reebok shoes

Hey, JJ, you know where Reebok makes their shoes, bro? In China, they pay him like a dollar an hour to make your shoes. They put nets up outside the buildings to prevent people from committing suicide... Nike is going to have to put all the eight year olds back to work, double shift to keep up with all your shoe sales... Hey, JJ, you know about like the plastics and the chemicals they put in those shoes? They're literally polluting the planet, dude.

Pokemon Go is the greatest sporting event of our lifetime

We're kind of doing a disservice by calling this Sports Hell Week because possibly the greatest sporting event of our lifetime or probably anybody's lifetime is going on as we speak, and that's Pokemon Go.

People in Portugal speak 'Brazilian' which is why they are good at soccer

People forget that they speak Brazilian in Portugal... The two best soccer teams in the world, Brazil and Portugal, both speak Brazilian. So it makes you wonder, like, maybe more countries should start speaking Brazilian if they want to master the beautiful game.

I am ground zero for sports stars and the first sports celebrity who wasn't an athlete

I was actually told by a reporter from Sports Illustrated when he interviewed me, he said, you're the first sports star. I mean, what the hell is a sports star? Star for sports. You're the first one. You're the first guy to become a sports celebrity that wasn't an athlete. ... You are ground zero for sports stars.

The Memphis Grizzlies are a front for a crystal meth manufacturing operation

The Memphis Grizzlies are very obviously just a front for crystal meth manufacturing. Like that's — it's the perfect move to pay Mike Conley $150 million. It's obviously money laundering. They had [Matt] Barnes. They had Birdman. Chandler Parsons. The Grizzlies are just a drug operation.

Big Cat will enter a zone and eat 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes at the Nathan's contest

Maybe I just get in a zone and I eat 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Leicester City, 1,500 to 1 odds. Just saying, things happen.

Kobe Bryant is considering the Knicks, Celtics, Spurs, Raptors, or Clippers in free agency

I think this is the best-kept secret in free agency so far is what teams is Kobe Bryant taking meetings with? I think he's going to the Knicks, the Celtics, the Spurs or the Raptors? Kobe's a big foreign guy. He's cultured. I think he might want to spend some time up north... [Big Cat suggests Clippers] Yeah, he's probably taking a meeting with them. Yeah. Kobe going to LA.

I would eat cooked human flesh for $10 million

[PFT asks about eating human flesh for $10 million] I could do it. I would do it in a country where it wasn't illegal... It would be like we get a scientific permit to do it.

Steve Jobs is currently living in South America with Lionel Messi's father

Steve Jobs was sitting in – he's not dead... Everyone knows Steve Jobs living in South America, if you remember that picture... With Messi's dad.

Tommy Lasorda was about to die but his life has been saved through prayer

There's one more. That's about to go, actually... It's Tommy Lasorda. but we may have intercepted here okay we may have... I think that we've already done that [asked for forgiveness to save him].

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

Lionel Messi lacks the clutch gene and is likely a relative of Nazi Josef Mengele

I think that Messi might be a relative of a Nazi because a lot of them went to Argentina after the war to try to escape. Now, there was a doctor [Josef Mengele]... He was unable to uncover the clutch gene and isolate it. And that's why, you know, like Hitler, if he had had the clutch gene, he probably wouldn't have choked... Mingel moved to South America, had sex with an Argentinian. A few years later you get [Messi].

JJ Watt eating a raw egg on Jimmy Fallon is condoning mass murder and sweatshops

Each egg is actually like a chicken abortion. So like you're basically condoning mass murder when you eat that egg... eggs are produced in unsanitary hen houses. So they're basically sweatshops for chickens. So that's not cool.

Johnny Manziel should retire from football and play baseball to pull a 'Michael Jordan'

Retire from football, play baseball, come back to football, win three Super Bowls, call it the Michael Jordan.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

LeBron James will go play minor league baseball for the Chicago White Sox

LeBron James is going to go play minor league baseball for the Chicago White Sox.

LeBron James will sign with the Lakers and change his name to LeBron Bryant

I'm going to say number one, the Lakers, and he switches his name to LeBron Bryant and wears Kobe Bryant's jersey all next year.

Injuring Lionel Messi would increase the popularity of soccer in the United States

I think maybe if you injure Messi, that would be pretty huge for soccer in the United States. Everybody loves a bully. Maybe severely injure Messi and make him not able to play soccer ever again. I think you would get a lot of new fans from the United States. Because if there's anything that fans in the United States hate, it's like a little European-ish guy.

The 2018 NBA Finals will be the Charlotte Hornets vs. the Seattle SuperSonics

2018 NBA Final predictions, give us a winner as well. Hornets in five... Hornets versus Sonics. Sonics are back. Hornets in five. Book it.

Sports should wait until the end of the game to announce penalties

The USGA said that they weren't going to announce whether or not [Dustin Johnson] was going to be penalized until after his round was over, which is just a great rule. I wish more sports would incorporate something like this. Like if the NBA waited until the fourth quarter to be like, yeah, Steph's foot was on the line for that three-pointer in the first quarter. So we're going to take away one point. Anyone out there who's complaining about this rule is a bad Christian because you don't get to know if you're going to heaven until after you're dead.

Steph Curry throwing his mouthguard at a fan is assault and battery

It's assault, right? Like, let's be honest. It's assault. Steph Curry, I mean, he's an NBA player... he's a professional athlete, probably has some sort of communicable STD, getting hit with that mouth guard. That is grounds for lawsuit. That's assault. I believe it's also battery.

LeBron James is sleeping with Beyonce to impress her

Do you think that LeBron James is sleeping with Beyonce? I think it's a good possibility... LeBron James played tonight like he was showing off for a certain somebody sitting courtside, if you know what I'm saying.

Sleeping in the same bed as a man isn't gay as long as you keep your suit on

I will say that no man card taken away. People forget. You could sleep with as many dudes in the bed as you want. If you keep your suit on, it's not gay.

David Stern is still secretly pulling the strings of the NBA behind the scenes

Adam Silver's not. Adam Silver cleaned up the league... Meanwhile David Stern is behind the scenes suspending Draymond Green and getting these ratings... he's the master puppet and I love it.

Draymond Green missed LeBron James' testicles because LeBron is on steroids

Draymond threw a punch directly into the groin and didn't make contact with LeBron James' nuts... steroids, common side effect, shrink the testicles. making them harder to hit, harder to locate. So I think that the fact that Draymond... didn't make contact... that is a major red flag. And if I'm Adam Silver, I'm personally walking a piss cup into the Cavaliers' locker room and making LeBron James urinate into it.

Steph Curry is playing poorly because he is addicted to opioids

I think that Steph Curry, he got hurt and he got put on some pain medicine... Now he's off the pain medicine. He's off the Vicodin and he's addicted to opioids now. And so like he can't – He's got like a vicious hangover. He can't find a stroke because his arms are shaking.

Cam Newton's next celebration should involve converting to Islam and refusing to stand for the anthem

Cam X, Cameron X, converted to Islam, doesn't stand for the national anthem. His touchdown dances to pray, and then he hands the ball to a black kid. I mean, there we go.

Jim Harbaugh is a civil rights leader fighting against NCAA persecution of football

I'm glad that Harbaugh finally has the guts to stand up for Division I major conference men's college football coaches. ... Harbaugh, thank you for standing up for the rights of the most persecuted people in America.

NFL owners might have murdered Roger Goodell and faked a hack to test public reaction

I think it's more probable than not that this was an idea that was floated by the owners just to see – just to kind of like gauge the reaction and see what public sentiment would look like if Roger Goodell were to die. ... Expect Roger Goodell to maybe actually be murdered by – I don't know. Let's call it the Rooneys and the Maras over the course of the next couple of months.

The Golden State Warriors are better off without Steph Curry

I've seen enough and I know enough that if you take Steph out of the Warriors, they're just as good, if not better. [They haven't said his name] all series because he's been on the bench all series.

Aqib Talib can extend his career by seven years by capitalizing on his shooting incident

Tlaib may have just extended his career by like seven years. Because now he can get that really sappy E30 with Jeremy Schaap... A second chance is worth like two more contracts. So smart move on Tlaib's part, getting shot, because now he gets like an opportunity to prove himself again.

LeBron James peaked in high school

I'll be the first to say it. LeBron James peaked in high school. There it is. Boom.

The horse Nyquist has AIDS

The horse has AIDS. Right. The first thing I did was... Fuck the horse. Both on Twitter and in real life.

Harambe the gorilla committed suicide by zookeeper to escape living in Cincinnati

Did Harambe like plan this whole thing out? When the kid fell in, do you think Harambe was like, this is my chance to finally get out of this fucking place... Like suicide by zookeeper is pretty much what I'm getting at here.

Gorillas are more valuable than humans because they are the patriarch of human invention

Technically humans, all those things that are invented by humans, humans are invented by gorillas, right? Like evolution. So wouldn't you say that gorillas are more valuable than humans? They're the patriarch of all those things. They're basically God.

If a team does a hidden ball trick in Little League, you should head hunt the next batter

Hidden ball tricks is fucking bullshit. Especially in Little League... I think you need to put the ball in an ear hole if the other team tries to do the hidden ball trick in a Little League game.

Dan Marino would have killed a small child to win a Super Bowl

But if Dan Marino—if you had said to him during his career, 'Hey, Dan, you can win a Super Bowl, but you got to kill a small child, no one will find out.' You think he does it?

If Draymond Green was a white guy named Raymond Green, he would be more loved

What if Draymond Green was Raymond Green and he was a white guy? He might be more hated, but he also might get away with—he might also be more loved by a large collection of the audience there... if you're a white guy, you can get away with being dirty a little bit better because you just naturally look uncoordinated when you fall down... so people believe you when you're just like flopping down. So if Draymond were white, I actually think he would be more loved overall.

People who camp outside NFL facilities for tryouts are terrorists

The people that camp outside of NFL training facilities holding signs that say, 'Let me get a tryout. All I need is a shot. I'm hungry.' They're pretty much terrorists because what they're doing is they're going on like a hunger strike... You can't bypass the system.

NFL players should only be allowed to have sex from May to August to ensure offseason births

I've been a long-standing fan of this policy for the NFL... I think that players should only be able to have sex through the months of, what is it, like May through August to time it so that you have an offseason baby. Because I hate it when Joe Flacco has to miss the Pro Bowl or threaten.

Matt Harvey needs to start partying and doing cocaine to find his form

I also think he needs to party again. He used to be a party boy... I would say either get the Mets to basically make it a rule that no one can say anything bad about you or start doing a bunch of cocaine.

Steph Curry is too fragile for the NBA and needs to add 30 pounds

The scouts were right. He's too fragile to play in the NBA. Needs to add another 20, 30 pounds to his frame this offseason.

Baseball should crowdsource balls and strikes via Twitter polls during games

You could crowdsource it... A pitch happens and then everybody responds on Twitter. Twitter poll. Strike or no? And then 51% carries the day and you get a strike or ball based on that. And then fans can't get mad at it because they only have themselves to blame.