Takes

Mike McCarthy's brain processes information slowly because he is obese

I am this person myself... Mike McCarthy and so I am this person, myself... when they zoom in on his face, I'm like, he's so fat that he just thinks slower than everyone. Like, that's what I think. I'm like he's—he's not processing at the same speed. He's like an old, outdated computer.

The Steelers will beat the Chiefs in the playoffs because Kansas City is due for a bad game

I really think the Steelers could beat the chiefs... the chiefs are due for a bad game, man. They really are just due for one... I wouldn't be surprised [if they win] because they're due.

Kirk Cousins needs to play worse to help his team win

Kirk Cousins is without a doubt like top 10, maybe top 5 guy in some of those [stat] categories. I think I figured out his problem though, because they lost a lot of games where he played well, statistically. Well, I think he's just too good. And I think that he scores too fast sometimes, and then puts his defense in a position to lose. Kirk needs to get a little bit worse at playing if he wants to be truly good.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Colts win the Super Bowl

I've seen some people being like, you're not actually going to do it. First of all, it's the tip of my pinky. It's the nail up. Second of all, it's essentially like a tattoo... The Colts started 0-3 in 2021, and they won the Super Bowl. It will suck, but I will do it.

Trevor Lawrence might be a bust after his late-game spike play

That spike he had on third down, what the fuck was that? That was crazy... he burned third down with the, with the spike. It's like, why wouldn't you, why don't you throw it to the end zone? It was crazy... that one made me think, like he might actually be a bust.

Russell Wilson is punishing DK Metcalf for his personal life off the field

[DK Metcalf] got his shit aired out by some thought who was like, oh, DK, didn't make me sign an NDA. So I'm going to put this all over Snapchat and tell the world that he was asking me for a foursome. And now that news came out now, Russell doesn't pass it... He's punishing DK for being a red blooded American male.

Aaron Rodgers is faking his toe injury to stop people from talking about his vaccination status

I think I'm a toe truther. I don't think that Aaron Rodgers actually has a toe injury. I think that he did have a toe injury... He was under a lot of fire from a lot of people from the whole immunized versus vaccinated thing. And he was like, what's going to get all the freaks out there to stop complaining about my vaccination status? I'll put out a gross foot pick and then everybody will talk about that picture... Now guess what the whole story is about how tough I'm being playing on my fake broken toe, gutting out the end of the season. No, one's talking about my vaccination status anymore.

Babe Ruth would not even be a Double-A player in today's game

I saw a video, someone found a video of like 19-whatever the fuck he was born, he had a shitty swing. He looked slow and fat. If he was in today's day and age, he wouldn't even fucking be in AA. Who the fuck out of him put down field stands that I'm taking away his pinstripes. I'd probably strike him out.

I would rather have Taylor Heinicke on my team moving forward than Russell Wilson

I would rather have Taylor Heinicke on my team right now, moving forward than Russell Wilson, which it sounds insane to say, especially thinking back like four or five weeks ago when he looked so bad, but he's, he's legitimately fun to watch.

Robots can now reproduce

Cool throne is robots. They lost their virginity. Not much more that we need to explain there. Robots can reproduce now. They just released it. There was a scientific research experiment. There was a scientific green robots that created. It's a thing.

The Rams are frauds and Matt Stafford is struggling against winning teams

Last game, Packers, Rams. Rams stink. they won the week three Superbowl against the Bucs. And then every team that they've played, that's good. Since then, they've lost. Like, that's just a fact. Matt Stafford is eight and 67 all time when playing against the team that finished above 500.

Gonzaga talent-wise might be the best NCAA basketball team in 30 years

Talent wise, they might be the best NCAA basketball team that I've seen in the last 30 years.

The Dolphins will beat the Ravens outright on Thursday Night Football

I'm telling you right now, the Miami Dolphins are ready to play some football tonight. The Baltimore Ravens are in big trouble. Tua [Tagovailoa] is coming back. He's going to come back tonight. He's going to throw four touchdowns. The Miami Dolphins are going to win outright.

Odell Beckham Jr. should just do pregame one-handed catch clinics like Red Panda instead of playing

Odell Beckham shouldn't be on a team. He should just do pregame and halftime performances like Red Panda, where he goes out there with a jugs machine and puts on a clinic of one-handed catches.

San Diego State punter Matt Araiza should be a first-round pick

Someone should draft [Matt Araiza] in the first round. ... If he can punt like this all the time, it actually is an incredible game changer. ... You think that if the Patriots took him... I think they should take him. That's the perfect end of first round draft pick.

Aaron Rodgers should be in jail for life for lying about being immunized

Aaron Rodgers should be in jail. All those that agree say aye... I just have a very cut and dry take that Aaron Rodgers should be in jail for life. Regardless of what he's done... jail until the COVID pandemic is completely over.

Kyrie Irving is refusing the vaccine as part of a viral marketing scheme for the new Matrix movie

My cool throne is Kyrie Irving, because I'm pretty sure he's not getting vaccinated for an entire like prolonged ad for the new Matrix thing that's coming out in December... I think he's not getting vaccinated as part of a viral marketing scheme for the new Matrix.

Almost having sex is better than actually having sex

I am a long-standing believer that almost fucking is better than fucking. Because you can go home, and one, you didn't cheat... Two, you can go home and get the late-night piece of pizza and be like, man, I would have fucked. And it would have been awesome. Still got it.

Arch Manning might be a bust because his high school competition is mid-tier

Is he a bust? Is Arch Manning a bust... To have the discussion. No, because he's lost in high school, which I think is important for a quarterback's progression point... [but] his league's a little, like it's kind of mid tier.

The Clemson dynasty is officially dead and Dabo Swinney is a system coach

Clemson is officially—is the dynasty over? Clemson is dead. The dynasty's dead. Dabo was a system coach. He can't do it without an elite quarterback. He can't do it without Deshaun Watson or Trevor Lawrence.

There is a 94.9% chance Deshaun Watson is traded before the deadline

Percentage chance Deshaun Watson is traded in the next seven days, 10 days... 94.9% chance. Miami 75, Carolina 25... The chances of him being with the Texans next Tuesday after the trade deadline, very, very, very, very low.

The Maple Leafs will finally get over the playoff hump this year

I'm confident that they're going to be able to get over that edge this year... I've doubled down on my four skin challenge where I'm going to double down and you can chop my whole cock off and keep it if that fucking team can't make [a run].

The Chiefs should trade Patrick Mahomes

A lot of people around the league, league circles, are saying the story out of Kansas City is that the Chiefs should trade Patrick Mahomes. They're saying that a lot of willing partners out there... Washington football team would be one, probably. But if I'm a Chiefs fan, man, I'll tell you, I'd run that guy out of town on a rail.

Signing Blake Bortles will change the entire culture of the Seahawks

Following Russell Wilson's injury, the Seahawks are working out the boat. Blake Bortles. Yes, yes, Blake. Oh, my God. I love it... You bring him in to change the whole culture. You bring him in with a contract already signed.

Ted Bundy is a wildly overrated serial killer

Ted Bundy is wildly overrated. I mean, I... Ted Bundy was overrated as a killer. He's just good looking.

Urban Meyer's wife sent him to the bar to get his charisma back

I think Shelly Meyer might win wife of the year... led me to believe that she was like, 'Urban, go out and remember why you're Urban Meyer. Go out and hit on some chicks and get that swagger back. Get that charisma back. Get that fucking confidence back.' I think she actually sent him out to be like, go out, pick up a chick. Don't have sex with her, but pick her up and remind yourself why you're the alpha.

Matt Nagy purposefully threw the Browns game to prove that Andy Dalton is better than Justin Fields

I think he threw that game to try to prove that he's right. That Andy Dalton's a better quarterback than Justin Fields right now because that's the only explanation for the play calling and the game plan that he put out there.

NFL teams should sit their starting quarterback when playing against Aaron Donald to avoid injury.

Anytime a team plays Aaron Donald, they should sit their starting quarterback.

Kirk Cousins is statistically the best quarterback of all time.

Statistically, the best quarterback of all time.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT because he could pull off a Hitler mustache without criticism

That also proves why he's the GOAT because he could do a Hitler mustache and still survive. No one says anything. Imagine LeBron does that. We wouldn't let them off the hook.

The Jets will beat the Patriots in the playoffs this year

I have a sick feeling that the Patriots are beaten by the jets in the playoffs... this year.

Arthur Smith cannot be a successful coach because he has no chin

I don't know if you can win football games with no chin. I would be looking at him if he tried to coach me up, I'd be like, dude, you gotta no chin.

The Nicki Minaj 'swollen balls' story is a Joe Biden psyop

I actually think this might be a psyop. This might be a story planted by Joe Biden himself to make people want to get the vaccine. Because knowing guys, as I do, if you hear that there's medicine out there that makes your balls huge, there's going to be some dudes that are going to be like, you know what? I could use a little bit of inflation.

Trevor Lawrence is officially a bust

I have one note for that game. Trevor Lawrence, all capitals, bust. I'm more of the mindset that it's fun to say that Trevor Lawrence is a bust.

Mac Jones will conservatively win three Super Bowls

Conservatively, three. Three plus, though, is probably what I would expect. Dynasty officially back on? Yeah. Well, you've got to win the first one.

Aaron Rodgers is 'mentally retired' and checked out of the Packers

I think he's still playing, but he's technically retired mentally. He's checked out. I would say retired. Aaron Rodgers has mentally retired from the Green Bay Packers. I saw it with my own two eyes. No chance does this come back and haunt me, this clip.

Kirk Cousins will be benched for Kellen Mond for performance reasons this year

Do you think Kellen Mond plays for performance reasons this year? Yes. I'll just say yes. ... I think Kirk Cousins stinks.

CJ Stroud will always suck at quarterback

I'm convinced, no matter what, that CJ Stroud will always suck at quarterback just because of how poorly he played in the first half. But trust me, I will not get off this take. It's burned. It's seared into my brain. He's bad. From watching just how bad he was in that first half.

You should kiss your boss to avoid work talk on the golf course

Just try to kiss him in the middle of your round and be like, I always get horny when I play golf. And then he'll never invite you something about the holes. Either and if, and if they don't give it to you lean in for a kiss and then if they kiss, you just say sexual harassment or 50% raise, ask for the kiss.

Nebraska needs to run the dirtiest, most unethical strength and conditioning program to win games

Seriously, if you're the next Nebraska coach, just buy all the steroids, just get all the steroids. If you get caught, I guarantee you that Cornhusker fans will not give a shit. If you get caught running the dirtiest strength and conditioning program in the history of college sports... it would be less embarrassing if you're Nebraska to get caught cheating than it is running whatever you have been running for the last 10 years.

Sam Ehlinger would have beaten out Trevor Lawrence for the starting job if not for his injury

Unfortunately, Sam Ehlinger is out with a tweaked ACL... The Sam Ehlinger beating out Trevor Lawrence prediction has not come yet for now.

Watching football is 10 times more stressful than playing it

It proves that watching football is by a factor of 10 more difficult than playing football. We just, they, they are the operator of the rollercoaster. We're just so long for the ride. So we prove it our point. Yeah. I already got it. I'd like to see one of them trade positions with us for a weekend. They couldn't do it.

Jameis Winston is a future Hall of Famer

if you have Jameis Winston, future hall of Famer, or you have Taysom Hill who threw one pass last night, that it might've been the worst pass I've ever seen.

The iceberg is the ultimate villain of the Titanic story

I'm going to go with the iceberg in Titanic. All time. Villain killed a lot of people... The iceberg fucking hanging out. It smoked like 4,000 people... The iceberg took a charge, right? The iceberg, the ball's going the other way. Worked didn't fucking move. Iceberg had position. That's a fact.

Zach Wilson will win a Super Bowl for the Jets

I was watching the highlights again today and I was like, Zach Wilson wins the Super Bowl for the Jets. I'm going to convert to Mormonism.

I can turn Ben Mintz into a 'lab rat turned muscle hamster' by controlling his diet and supplements

I now have the perfect opportunity [to] control all the variables and turn Ben Mintz into a lab rat turned muscle hamster... Basically I control all the variables. Like literally he's not going to be able to eat a meal without me. I'm going to pump this guy full of creatine, get him squatting heavy and see what happens.

Nick Saban could make Alabama the number one soccer team in the world immediately

I know we joke, but if Nick Saban and the Alabama football team decided they wanted to be number one soccer team in the world, they would. Immediately. Zero training. Yes, they just would.

Sam Ehlinger will be a better NFL quarterback than Trevor Lawrence

Sam Ehlinger has been taking reps with the first team offense... Sam Ehlinger was going to be better than Trevor Lawrence. That was a 12-1 upset [in my bracket].

OJ Simpson's son was the real killer in the 1994 murders

OJ did a great job distracting everybody about his son. His son was recorded attempting to stab someone... now you think of OJ not as this murderer, but this father... I think it's still a murderer was covered up.

LeBron James would obviously beat Mike Tyson in a street fight because of his size and reach.

LeBron James would obviously beat up Mike Tyson. He's way bigger, Billy. Dude, reach. He's bigger. Mike Tyson... LeBron James is like 6'9". And LeBron's tough. He's never flopped.