Takes

The 2017 Yankees are fully back

The Yankees are fully back. Pinstripes for everyone. Aaron Judge hit three home runs on Sunday. His 21st of the year. Also the longest home run of the year... They have the best run differential in the league.

Millennials are responsible for Applebee's going out of business because they dislike chain restaurants

Millennials are being blamed for Applebee's going out of business because they don't like to eat at chain restaurants. So shout out to us. We are at all actually millennials. ... PFT and I are like on the cusp of millennials. We do like chain restaurants.

Phil Mickelson is skipping the U.S. Open for his daughter's graduation to mock Tiger Woods' lack of a family life

Phil is saying he's not going to play in the U.S. Open because his daughter is giving the commencement speech at her high school graduation. ... Phil's like, oh, I'm not only healthy enough to play in tournaments, I'm just now saying I'm not going to play because I love my family so much. ... [He's] twisting the knife a little bit.

Cheer shorts are officially back

I told you, I think about a year ago today, I said cheer shorts were back. ... I saw somebody wearing shorts the other day that had cheer written across the bottom. So they're back.

Tiger Woods' hair plugs are working

His hair did not look as bad as it has in the past... No, but it looks like the hair plugs might be working. Because Tiger Woods is a notorious guy who went balding pretty early.

Tiger Woods' DUI arrest gives him street cred

I didn't think that Tiger Woods could have any more street cred, but he certainly does now. Now he's got it all.

Lacrosse teams should just shoot the puck/ball more

I feel like they need to shoot more. I'm just going to say it. As a coach, if I was a coach of a lax team, I'd say just shoot. Shoot the puck a little bit more... Just put pucks on net.

Kevin Love should be the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns

Kevin Love should be the Browns quarterback. He does have unbelievable passing. He'll throw one or two a game where it's like, how the hell did he do that?

If your wife goes away on business, you should move farther away from her to make her miss you more

Here's a pro tip for all you guys out there that are married. If your wife goes away on business, move farther away from your wife. Make her want to come to you.

New college graduates have a 4-6 year window of 'mulligans' where making mistakes doesn't matter

There's an old saying, make your mistakes early in life. And 22 years old is basically as early as it gets because that's when your real life starts. So you have basically four to six years of mulligans.

Stephen A. Smith claiming James Harden was drugged is a transparent attempt to brag about his contacts

After the James Harden game six incident, [Stephen A. Smith] went on the air and he said that he had five Hall of Famers text him saying they thought James Harden was drugged... No one cares about that. It's five Hall of Famers text Stephen A. Smith. That's big stuff.

John Daly's career has been awesome and if you think otherwise you're a hater

My favorite take is when people say, oh, what a shame, John Daly's career. He really could have had it all. John Daly has had it all. His career actually has been awesome. If you think otherwise, then you're just a hater.

Bees aren't actually dying at an alarming rate

And people keep saying that they're dying at an alarming rate like you did. But I don't think that they are. I'm woke on the whole bee thing, the whole bee scare of 2016.

I don't care about PETA shaming; I'm going to keep loving horse racing and losing money

My who's back... is people who want to shame us for enjoying horse racing... horse racing is in fact bad. They're whipping the horses... I don't care. Keep trying to shame me. PETA people. That's fine. I'm going to lose my money. I'm going to have fun. And I'll do it all again.

The Volkswagen commercial with the grandmother and the ashes is fake and manipulative

Volkswagen... they're like, well, we'll just put a really sappy story where a bunch of kids cry and an old grandmother, and we'll put some Simon and Garfunkel behind it, and everyone will say, oh my God, Volkswagen, they're so nice. Don't fall for it.

The first few years after college are more fun than college itself

I think the first three or four years after you graduate can be more fun than college. Because you actually have money in your pocket. You have money in your pocket. You make real life friends. It's not just like, whoever was living on my hallway.

NFL mock drafts 5.0 and 6.0 are entirely made of smokescreens

When mock draft 5.0 and 6.0s are coming out, those are actually all smokescreens, too, because all the NFL personnel people that talk to the guys doing the mock drafts, they're telling them lies the whole time.

It is okay to be a fair-weather fan

My who's back of the week is fairweather fans... I think it's okay to be a Fairweather fan. I don't like the people that come out of the woodwork being like, oh, you only cheers for the Bruins in the playoffs.

LeBron James has never actually read The Godfather book

You read the Godfather book for the 7,000th time in a row, even though I don't think you ever read it the first time.

The Knicks plus 12.5 against the Grizzlies was the worst gambling beat of all time

The Knicks were plus 12.5 against the Grizzlies. The game was over. The Knicks were down 10. They were covering. The Grizzlies were just dribbling the ball out. And then with, like, three seconds left, the Grizzlies player threw up a 40-footer just as, like, kind of a fun shot as time expired. Nothing but net. They won by 13.

Tiger Woods at 100/1 to win the Masters is a must-bet even if he doesn't play

The Tiger Woods, 101 odds to win the Masters. Jump on it now before they go down... Those are the best odds I've ever seen for a guy who's not even going to play in the tournament.

Fall is the best season for napping, followed by spring

I would rank it power ranking nap seasons, fall number one, spring number two.

As President, I would start a MAC spring football season on the Monday after the first round of March Madness

If I ever become president, the Monday after the first round of the tournament, we start the MAC spring football season. It's a three-day season. I don't care. Just give me something. You can't give us nonstop betting action for four days straight and then just snatch it from our little hands.

Jay Wright is a big-time choker if you take away his one ring

Jay Wright on CBS coverage... People forget if you take away that one ring, it's a big-time choker.

Johnny Manziel is officially back and committed to a comeback after getting engaged

My who's back of the week is Johnny Football... Comeback season. He just got engaged to show that he's committed and he's making his comeback. So it seems like he's got everything going for him heading forward.

I would predict no babies are born nine months after March Madness starts

I would predict that there are like no babies born nine months after the start of March Madness because no guy out there is [finding success]... This is the weekend that a guy drinks too many beers, eats nachos, and then farts a lot and falls asleep on the couch.

Hometown saviors always work out well for the Cleveland Browns

He said that he would go play in Cleveland. He's a hometown kid. We all know that hometown quarterbacks work out really well for Cleveland. They're always saviors.

Bill Belichick narrating a WWII documentary is a clever PR move to deflect from 'Patriots are Nazis' comparisons

It's a great way to steer people away from the New England Patriots or Nazis takes because you're like, actually, our coach is narrating a documentary about killing Nazis.

Day parties are officially back

My who's back of the week is day parties. Huge weekend. 60 degrees out of nowhere in February. So basically, usually college kids will go through the winter depression, and then there was that one nice weekend that kicks off the rest of the spring semester.

Since 2014, Tiger Woods has had more back surgeries than top ten finishes

A little sabermetrics for you on Tiger Woods. I saw this stat running around. Since 2014, he's had more back surgeries, three, than top ten finishes, one.

Short, tighter shorts are making a major comeback in college basketball

The bagginess has gotten way too far. It's getting in the way of the dribbles. These guys like to go between their legs a lot, you know, with these new players out there. So they're bringing back short, tighter shorts. A couple guys in Indiana are doing it. I've seen it across the Big East, too, I think. So we're going to see a major swing here. Get out in front of this. If you're a college basketball player, tighten those things up.

'Smooth' by Matchbox 20 and Santana deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award

Can we get a Lifetime Achievement Award for Matchbox 20 and Rob Thomas doing 'Smooth' with Carlos Santana? You never hear about Lifetime Achievement Awards for a song. But if there is one, it should absolutely go to 'Smooth'. That song took over a whole summer. Every single time that there's a national sporting event on TV, you can count on 'Smooth' to be one of the transition songs.

Tom Crean will be hired by another team specifically because he has a 'contentable' face

Tom Crean, he will get fired by Indiana sooner rather than later. But someone will hire him simply because of his face. He's got a brand. Crean has a contentable face. He has an exceptionally stupid-looking face. And that in itself, that's a brand that people will be like, oh, wow, where is Tom Crean coaching? He can go coach the Missouri Valley, and people will now be watching Missouri Valley games because of his name and his face.

The CFL is the perfect place for Johnny Manziel to start a comeback

Johnny Manziel is back. He has reportedly had a tryout with the CFL, which the CFL is exactly where Johnny Manziel needs to start his comeback.

Roger Goodell is back after taking his medicine from Patriots fans

The boos that were rained down on Roger Goodell... He stood up there. He overdosed on his medicine. I think he's back. I think it's now fair's fair.

Tiger Woods missing the cut is actually good because he can't get injured during the final two rounds

Other spin zone, he only played two rounds because he missed the cut. So that's two less rounds you could injure himself in. Less wear and tear. Smart move getting ready for the Masters. Way to save yourself.

Alex Smith should start a business holding penises in photos so his small hands make them look larger

Alex Smith should start a business where he is like a contractor for guys taking dick pics. He's like, 'I'll hold your dick in the picture' [so it looks bigger because of his small hands].

Super Bowl babies are a myth because fans are too bloated and drunk after the game to have sex

Super Bowl is the last day that you have sex because everyone eats. You eat a million pigs in a blanket. You drink beer. You sit on the couch. You're [fat], you [fart]. You're not having sex.

Andy Reid is a better coach in Orlando than in Hawaii because he isn't drinking Mai Tais on the beach

Andy Reid [is back, he] won the Pro Bowl. It turns out Andy coaches a lot better in Orlando than he does in Hawaii when he's on a beach drinking Mai Tais for nine hours before the game.

Donald Trump will legalize sports gambling to improve his approval ratings

I could see Trump legalizing sports gambling. I could, too. He's a casino guy... He could flip that approval rating up to, like, the 60s if he just said, okay, we're going to be sports gaming.

I am officially a Donald Trump guy if he legalizes sports gambling

I'm immediately a Trump guy if [Trump] does that [legalizes sports gambling].

Rick Pitino only vouched for Grayson Allen because Allen didn't snitch on him

Rick Pitino... he vouched for [Grayson Allen]. He said, I think it's a reflex action when he does something wrong. He'll lunge out or he'll trip somebody. But he's a good person. I know he's a good person. Rick Pitino went and checked it out... Grayson Allen's a good guy. He didn't tell on Rick. So he's a good guy.

Nick Saban probably hasn't been to a dentist in 30 years and just deals with the pain

Nick Saban, he hasn't been to a dentist in 30 years. And he's had cavity pain for all 30 years. ...He just deals with it. He's like, my mouth hurts. ...Day in, day out. That's just what happens.

The Masters' theme music is the instant cure for insomnia

It's also just good for dads out there to have, instead of having to rely on Ambien or something to go to sleep, if a dad turns on the Masters music, he's going to fall asleep within five minutes. Best nap of the year. Instant cure for insomniacs.

The Saturday Wild Card game featuring the Texans is a tradition of bad football that everyone hates

The Texans are playing the first wildcard game on Saturday that everyone's going to hate and always features really bad quarterback play. Tradition like any other.

NFL coach, beat reporter, and super fan trades should be more common

I love any non-athlete trade, and there needs to be more of them. ... I think it should be expanded to beat reporters. ... I want to see super fans getting traded.

Numbers and analytics are ruining sports

Numbers ruin sports. You made us all robots. Sports was great when it was just men grunting at each other, and there was no number for how much pain you're playing through.

Aaron Rodgers is officially back and the Packers are the team nobody wants to play in January

Aaron Rodgers is officially back. He did his whole thing where everyone talked about how [he] was awful, and then he's rattled off three games that have been great, and the Packers are right back in the thick of things, and they are officially the don't-want-to-play-these-guys-in-January team.

The Detroit Lions are in trouble because Matthew Stafford's finger injury is a season-killer

The Lions are back because something really good happened to them today, and they're in the catbird seat of the NFC North. But then in a win, they also got really bad news as Matthew Stafford dislocated his middle finger on his throwing hand and severed a bunch of ligaments. So they're kind of fucked.

America needs Russia to be the 'bad guy' again to maintain national focus and competition

Russia is back. And not only that, but America's hate for Russia, which is good. The Cold War is back. It is healthy. We need Russia to be in a spot where we wake up always nervous about Russia. You need somebody to point to as your competition.