Takes

Darren Rovell owns MLK and black history memorabilia just to turn a profit later

You own a piece of history that shows like when Martin Luther king was in jail... and you owned it to turn a profit one day, because that's what he does with all of his memorabilia.

Andy Reid's food metaphors mean the entire NFL is in trouble

Andy Reed really put cake on the hot seat... He just thinks of everything his life as it's related to food. Once he starts thinking about food, he physically gets hungry and then he's going to mentally get hungry. And then the entire NFL, next thing he knows in trouble.

Stephen A. Smith's entire life is a subtweet to Skip Bayless because he misses him so much

He [Stephen A. Smith] really truly has an audience of one for all the celebration and that skip Bayless. He is sending his, he's not, sub-tweeting skip Bayless. He's sub living everything at skip Bayless. His entire life is a subtweet to skip Bayless because he misses him so much.

LeBron James is the ultimate coach killer

LeBron and the coach killers back. It looks like Frank Vogel might get fired. There's a lot of rumors right now. No one does it better than him. No one kills a coach better than LeBron... Bron is going to come off the court and just be like, all right, he keeps his job one more game. Give him a look like, yeah, he's just doing the fucking gladiator up and down after every game for Frank Vogel's life.

5G radars will ground all US air travel

Turns out a bunch of the airline CEOs said that the new 5G radars that are getting put on for telecommunications, once they get turned on, it's going to affect a bunch of their planes landing. And that they're going to have to ground all US air travel tomorrow.

Punt returns are scarier than kickoff returns in the NFL

I will wholeheartedly say punt return is scarier than kickoff return, but you will get hit hard on kickoff return because they're running from 60 yards... it's a full-on head-on collision.

COVID-19 causes the human spine to compress and makes you lose height

I used to be five nine, but then I got COVID now I'm five eight. Does it to your spine or does it compresses it... stay safe, I hope that you're vaccinated.

Miami Hurricanes football is currently only a 3 out of 10 for being 'back'

I think Mario Cristobal is the right guy... but right now we're like at a three, three out of 10. You know, like we have the U on our helmet, we have the turnover chain and like, that's about it.

The Miami turnover chain should not be used if the team is losing by more than 14 points

I think we should have a rule. Like if we're losing more than like 14 points, the term chain doesn't [come out]. No props.

Planned downfield laterals like the 'Cocaine' play only work if they aren't used in desperation

It's great when teams run it when it's not a desperation situation, because if it's desperation, the other team sees it coming a mile away. Absolutely. And they're able to defend it... We had that one in the playbook actually for a few weeks and... it worked phenomenally.

No state income tax is the most important factor in NFL free agency

No state income tax. Okay. All right. Then I would say beach and then brutally cold... I'm indifferent to the division, but no state income tax [is most important].

NFL players should bring two sets of clothes to every game based on the outcome

I think more players should bring two sets of clothes to a game. Like one if you win, one if you lose... when you show up at the podium and you've got like a live, barely dead raccoon wrapped around your head and you're talking about how you went five for 22 with three interceptions, like that's not helping anybody.

The Eagles drafting Jalen Reagor before Justin Jefferson was a mistake and Reagor is a bust

Beer before liquor, you'll never be sicker; Jalen [Reagor] before Justin [Jefferson], you just drafted a busted.

The NFL should keep the seventh playoff seed

To the people that are saying we should not have a seventh playoff seed: you're wrong. Fuck you. If we didn't have that last week, these matchups would have been better... speak as a team that's like, that's our ceiling really is this 7th seed. Just like you and the Bears last year, right? Like just getting to the playoffs, that's absolutely worth having that extra seat in there.

A seven-seed will eventually beat a two-seed in the NFL playoffs

Dummies, like you're just playing the results. One year a seven seed will get hot and they'll win. They'll beat the two seed and everyone will look like an idiot.

The Steelers aren't in a bad position as a franchise despite Big Ben's retirement

If you look at the entire NFL, the Steelers are not in a bad, like, no, it wasn't Big Ben with it. His last ride was with all his guys... they have pieces on offense. They just need a quarterback and an offensive line.

Mitch Trubisky would have been awesome on the 2021 Steelers

If they had a mobile quarterback tonight... someone threw out the name Trubisky during this game, I was like, he personally would have fucking been awesome on the Steelers this year. Yeah, he would have.

Joe Burrow is officially an elite quarterback

It was Joe Burrow's coming out party. I think that's fair to say. He's officially now in my book, at least an elite quarterback. He is—the guy has ice water in his veins... he is fucking elite.

Dak Prescott should not have spiked the ball on the final drive; the downs were more valuable than the clock

I hated that spike that Dak [Prescott] did. You should not have spiked that... You got to have either a play called or something for that exact scenario where you know you're going to run in a panic moment. And he went up and spiking that—he got rid of a down that he thought he wouldn't need. The downs were more valuable in that circumstance.

The Raiders should hire Rich Bisaccia as their permanent head coach

Rich Bisaccia should get the Raiders head coaching job. They should give him a two-year contract, three-year contract. I don't know what more you could do. Like with a team that went through all of that and had flaws... I would be excited if I were a Raiders fan. I'd be excited if they brought him back.

The Bills will win the AFC East for the next 10 to 15 years

There's no reason why [the Bills] shouldn't be beating the Patriots for the next 10, 15 years... those days are over. The Bills, you know, they have the East for now and we'll just see. Now we're back to being the underdogs.

The Bills will win the Super Bowl

I still think that the Bills will win the Super Bowl. If they make it to the Super Bowl, I think they can beat any team in the NFC in that stadium. The Bills are essentially designed to win a Super Bowl in Los Angeles.

Nick Sirianni showing the team Rocky clips is a cheesy 'college coach move' that doesn't work in the NFL

Nick Sirianni playing Rocky clips the night before? That's gotta be the dumbest thing ever. That's a fucking college coach move. You can't tell me that guys in that locker room weren't just like, 'What are we doing right now?' We have an NFL playoff game and we're watching Rocky to get us pumped up?

The Eagles can get a franchise QB by trading their three 2022 first-round picks

They have three picks... you can go get a franchise quarterback with your three picks. You have three first-round picks. You could... that would be an incredible move because you're not mortgaging the future. You're mortgaging right now, right? For an incredible franchise quarterback.

Mike McCarthy's brain processes information slowly because he is obese

I am this person myself—I am Mike McCarthy... when they zoom in on his face, I'm like, he's so fat that he just thinks slower than everyone. Like, that's what I think. I'm like, he's not processing at the same speed. He's like an old, outdated computer.

Jerry Jones is actually a great talent evaluator and General Manager; it's the coaching that's the problem

Jerry Jones after the game said... when you get this combination of players, you need to have success. Jerry has graded himself as general manager with an A-plus for the season. The crazy thing is Jerry Jones is a hundred percent correct. Jerry Jones has built an awesome team. He might be sneaky a great talent evaluator. They have everything they need.

Kellen Moore is an overrated offensive coordinator and the Cowboys offense is clunky

Why is Kellen Moore decided just like this next genius? Because I feel like every time I watch the Cowboys offense, it's boomer or bust, it's clunky. I've watched the Cowboys offense enough to be like... I've never thought it has reached its potential with the amount of playmakers they have.

Jerod Mayo's head coaching stock is damaged because the Patriots' defense gave up 47 points to the Bills

Jerod Mayo's fucked with his interviews now. Imagine being... he's got some interviews this week. That's going to be a tough one to walk into and be like, 'Hey, you just gave up 47 points'. It's not a good look for him.

Any head coach the Bears hire will fail because the organization is broken

I've come to a bad realization with it—with my wisdom in life—is that it's not the coach. It's the organization. Like whoever gets hired is going to fail because the organization will fail them... 90% chance will fail because the Bears are broken, terrible organization.

Adam Schefter is an information broker, not a journalist

I think that Schefter over the last couple of years has gotten—he's not a journalist anymore. Right? We can agree. Yes. He's—he's an information broker. He's essentially just like a guy that collects dirt and will play to whoever the highest bidder is... He should stop pretending that he has any sort of journalistic integrity at all.

The Duke basketball season is a failure if Coach K doesn't win the national title

I know we joke around about saying—like if Coach K doesn't lead them to a national championship, then it's an utter failure.

Exercise is the key to mental well-being

Exercise is the key mental wellbeing. In all 23 years, that's probably my greatest [lesson].

A person's birthday doesn't matter after age 21

After like 21, your birthday doesn't really matter. Like it's not like a, I'm going to take the, I'd rather take... I would never want to take my birthday off.

Joe Judge intentionally tried to get fired by the Giants

I still am convinced that he tried to get fired because if you look at the timeline, he, his job was guaranteed for next year. And then he completely lost his mind saying the weirdest shit, QB sneaks. And then obviously the finale of saying he wants more power. I think he was essentially like, I want to get fired. I don't want to coach this team anymore.

The Giants' Maras didn't give Joe Judge the room to work they promised him because of family influence in the personnel department.

My new theory on Joe... is he got a completely raw deal. I think that the Maras—because the Maras have at least one of the sons and I think a nephew that are at the top of the pro personnel department—I think they didn't give Joe Judge and Gettleman as much room to work with as they said they were going to. Now Joe is like, 'fuck this, I want to go out in a blaze of glory.'

The Over (49) is a good play for Raiders vs. Bengals

I think that the, the over is a good play in this game. I think we're going to see a shitload of points right now. It's at 49. Okay. Neither one of these teams is spectacular on defense and they both kind of just strike me as teams that they, they panic later on in games.

Firing David Culley is absolute bullshit because the Texans never gave him a chance to succeed.

The Texans are firing David Culley. Oh, that's bullshit. He never had a chance. That's bullshit. They basically are admitting that you hired him just to fire him. I think [Culley] couldn't have done better than what he did.

The Eagles will cover the spread against the Buccaneers

I think the Eagles are gonna cover. Yeah. I think it's one of those matchup things to back that up. I like the Eagles they're kind of in there. The team that's being disrespected the most... I think the weather is going to contribute and I think the bucks are going to win by six.

Tom Brady is 0-5 against the spread against the NFC East in the playoffs.

The stat that I have that backs that up is Tom Brady has [0 and 5] against the spread against the NFC East in the playoffs. So he's [0 and 5], he's got he's two and three straight up.

The 49ers could beat anyone in the NFC

I think the 49ers can they're there the team in the NFC that like they could beat anyone. You know what I mean? They're they're the team that has the lowest seed where I'm like, yup. If you told me the 49ers ended up in the super bowl. I wouldn't, I wouldn't think that's a crazy.

The Steelers will keep it tight against the Chiefs because when everyone expects a blowout, the underdog usually covers.

Anything you know about NFL betting, whatever. If everyone in the world says, this is going to be an absolute shit-housing blowout, like don't even watch the game. Steelers are going to keep it tight. I'm going to bet on the Steelers. I absolutely have to.

Based on a coincidence of numbers, someone will score four touchdowns in the Patriots vs. Bills game.

I've got a cool number thing on this game. The spread is four. Yup. The temperature is going to be four. The over-under is 44. Whoa... maybe someone will score four touchdowns.

Kicking the field goal down 8 in the 2020 NFCCG was the best decision for the team

I'll tell you what you look at, how many plays inside the red zone, especially you're talking about eight plus are successful in that situation. And I just felt like it was best. I thought our defense was playing well and thought we could get the stop. And unfortunately you're damned if you do damned, if you don't... had I be in that same situation again, I really do think that was the best thing for us.

Mike Vrabel would beat every other coach in the NFL in a Royal Rumble.

I actually think that [Mike Vrabel] could probably—he's still the coach that could kick everybody's ass in a Royal Rumble. I'm going through the list here. [Vrabel] is a big, big man. The guy that would—it would be interesting because I just—he's another guy that just has that mentality is him and Dan Campbell. That'd be a heck of a match.

The first NFL coach to correctly implement a downfield lateral strategy will change the game and create a dynasty.

The coach that embraces designing wide receiver routes that are set up so that they'll have somebody running off them after they catch the ball... I think a coach that realizes how to use that strategy correctly and smartly... is going to change the game of football. The opportunity to get a 50, 60 yard play out of it is so much higher than the risk. The first coach that figures out how to do that correctly is going to change the game and then boom, dynasty.

I am officially mortal locking the Packers to win the Super Bowl.

I'm going to do something I never thought I would do... but you guys are gonna win the Super Bowl this year. It's pretty much guaranteed. I might actually mortal lock it.

I thought my 4th quarter fumble against Alabama was an incomplete pass

Whenever I thought it was going to be like intentional grounding the whole time, because it didn't, it didn't go past the line of scrimmage. I didn't think it was a fumble until they said it was a fumble after they reviewed it. I guess it was one of those things. It was so close that whatever call was made on the field was going to stand.

It is impossible to get rid of mice in an apartment because they enter through every crack and the neighbors are usually slobs.

The mouse is back in my apartment again. You would think that I'd be able to take care of this mouse and get rid of the mouse issue. But you can't. They get in through every fucking crack... I'm fucked because I guess I'm never getting rid of these mice. It's impossible basically, because if you live in an apartment... there are tiny little holes everywhere that they can climb through.

There will be a dildo on the field in Buffalo for the Patriots game

I have a prediction. Yes. I think there's going to be a dildo on the field again. No, no. I just have a feeling. I got a feeling they're going to be on their best behavior.

My brand of motivation is essentially Gary V with a brain injury.

If we made like an Instagram page of quotes... like a your entire quote page that makes you a true scumbag in life. Yeah. Like the opposite of the success win guys. If you think like Gary V with a brain injury.