Takes

Nike forced Ronaldo to play in the 1998 World Cup final after he suffered a seizure because they had invested too much in him as an athlete.

Ronaldo... had a seizure out of nowhere right before the final... Some people think that he was drugged. But then... there's a conspiracy theory that Nike, because they had invested so much in Brazil, the Brazilian team and Ronaldo as Nike athletes, that Nike forced him to play even though he was like less than 24 hours after a seizure. And Nike basically stepped in and was like, 'He has to play no matter what.'

The 1985 NBA Draft lottery was fixed using a frozen envelope to ensure the New York Knicks got Patrick Ewing.

The Ewing frozen envelope, which I love that one. I believe that one. 100% believe that one.

A man who works out twice a day and can only bench 185 is definitely cheating on his girlfriend

185, there's really no other explanation. You're either dating the biggest soy boy beta bitch or he's cheating on you... Most gyms will actually revoke your membership if you go there every day because you're obviously, you're not getting out of this what you're putting into it.

Arizona is a college basketball blue blood

Arizona could be a blue blood. I think Arizona is a blue blood. I mean, they won a national championship in the early 2000s... Legendary coach [Lute Olson]?

No college basketball team will ever win back-to-back national championships again

Back-to-back championships. They'll never be done again. It might, but I don't think it will.

There are only six true blue bloods in college basketball: Kentucky, UNC, Indiana, Duke, UCLA, and Kansas

I googled Blue Bloods in college basketball. Historically speaking, there are only six, so it's even more exclusive. Kentucky, UNC, Indiana, Duke, UCLA, and Kansas. [Indiana] are technically blue blood but I think they would probably be first one out.

Michigan is good enough to beat Baylor or Gonzaga this season

I feel like in yesterday's game, that was the first time in months that somebody's been like, showed up on a national stage, and you're like, that team can beat Baylor. That team can beat Gonzaga. Michigan, yeah. I feel like we need to include them in that conversation.

An NFL quarterback should always be a team captain

I'd prefer you to be a captain. It's so hard to be a quarterback and not be a captain. Yes, yes. There's something. The Bo Callahan joke and Draft Day joke actually becomes real when you have a college quarterback who's a first-round talent and not a captain.

Tony Finau is officially cursed by the Puerto Rico Open

Tony Finau is officially cursed... There's a legitimate curse out there, and I'm so fucking in on it. So the Puerto Rico Open, Puerto Rico Open, that is the one win that Tony Finau has... 11-year history. No winner has gone on to win any other tournament after they won the Puerto Rico Open.

Tony Finau will win a major eventually

He becomes the favorite golfer of 55-year-old dudes... and that's going to be Tony Finau, and he'll win one [major] eventually.

FCS is the best spring football league, followed by the old XFL and the new XFL

I think if you were to rank spring football leagues... FCS is one. The new XFL... Actually, no, the old XFL is two. New XFL is three. Then you have all the USL, whatever that league was that we all forgot about.

The viral video of Cam Newton getting heckled was a PR setup

I'm woke on this Cam Newton clip... It almost feels like that was kind of set up to remind everyone how awesome Cam Newton was. We'll put out a video of Cam getting disrespected so that people are forced to recall how great he is at football. Because you're right. This is the most sympathetic press Cam Newton's got in the last year.

Cam Newton isn't fully healthy because he didn't swing on the heckling kid

That's actually what's telling me that Cam Newton isn't healthy. Because if he was, he should have just swung on the kid. Where somebody's being that disrespectful... Cam, you should be able to defend yourself.

Sidney Crosby is a top-five hockey player of all time

Crosby's in my top five players of all time. I actually think it's in no particular order... it's Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, Bobby Orr, Gordie Howe.

Alex Ovechkin is the best goal scorer in the history of hockey

Ovechkin is, I think, the best goal scorer of all time. I know he doesn't have the most goals, which he actually somehow might break... But Ovechkin is right there with Gretzky and Hall, top goal scorers of all time.

Whoever wins the all-Canadian division will get smoked in the playoffs by the American teams

The all Canadian division is sick... I think that Toronto's a wagon... but I don't know how deep the division is. So people are like, Oh my God, they're going to come... Whoever comes out of that division, they're going to get smoked anyways.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are legitimate Stanley Cup contenders and I am rooting for them

The Maple Leafs have been pathetic. 53 years? But now they have a team that is like legitimately built to win a Stanley Cup, I think... I've actually come out and said that I'm rooting for the Toronto Maple Leafs to win the cup this year. That's my team this year.

The Chicago Blackhawks have no chance of making the playoffs

I said, it's great to watch, but there's no chance they're making the playoffs. No chance. I just don't see it happening there's like the depth isn't there maybe if Toews comes back but who knows what's going on there.

The Tampa Bay Lightning are going to win the Stanley Cup again

I can't pick against Tampa... their team is just so stacked. Last year you saw they were like just heads and shoulders above anyone else. And people kind of say, oh, they don't have Kucherov all year. I'm like, yeah, that's great. They're going to get him back right for the playoffs... he'll be ready to go. And then you just throw that guy in with the team they already have.

PGA Tour golfers are higher-level athletes relative to their sport than any other professional athletes

I actually say a lot that I think that PGA Tour golfers are better at their sport than any other professional athlete is at their sport, if that makes any sense. If you threw me in an NBA game, I'll look like Sean Bradley. Throw me on the tour, I'll shoot 100 and quit.

Novak Djokovic is the tennis GOAT

Novak Djokovic... He's the fucking goat. Suck on this dick, Jake. I am the number one Novak Djokovic fan out there. He wins his 18th title. 18th major... He's the fucking goat.

Fear of missing out (FOMO) is the correct reason to get into Bitcoin or Top Shot

If the only reason you're getting into it is a fear of missing out, that's the wrong reason? No, no, no, no. That's exactly the only reason to get in. The only reason to get into all of these things is that you don't want to someday be pumping the gas for a fucking Bitcoin billionaire's boat.

Society is trending into the toilet

What we're saying is our society is heading to the toilet. So in 12 years when my son has to go through middle school and high school, it is going to be a landmine... It's going to be way worse in 15 years. Like the world's not going to be better.

The Eagles are the biggest losers of the Carson Wentz trade

The biggest losers being the Philadelphia Eagles, I would say. I would frame it in the context of the Eagles traded for him to draft him. Then they gave him a ton of money. Then they also gave him a ton of money and $33 million against the cap, and their franchise quarterback that they thought they had traded for and everything was hunky-dory is now gone.

Carson Wentz can find his old self with Frank Reich in Indianapolis

The reclamation of Carson Wentz, like Frank Reich was where he had his success earlier in his career. I do think that he can—I'm not throwing him out. I'm not saying that he can't find old Carson Wentz. And the best place for him to do that is the Indianapolis Colts.

The Raiders are the biggest losers of the Wentz trade because they wouldn't part with Derek Carr

I'd say that the losers of this trade would be the Raiders. The Raiders lost this trade because the Colts tried to get Derek Carr first, and the Raiders were like, no, we're not going to part with Derek Carr. That's a loss for the Raiders right there.

The Eagles will likely draft Jamar Chase and Wentz will be furious

What's also going to be funny is the Eagles, if they don't draft a quarterback in the first round, they're probably going to take a wide receiver. They're probably going to take Jamar Chase. And Carson Wentz is going to be like, what the fuck? When I was there, the best guy that we got was Ortega Whiteside.

The Steelers don't want Big Ben around next year

Then we also had the Big Ben news where kind of ominous saying that Big Ben is on the roster and a stealer today. It doesn't feel like they want Big Ben around next year.

The Steelers might release Big Ben and eat the cap hit rather than bringing him back

That's what they [Steelers] might end up doing is just releasing him and eating that money. And Big Ben will probably be like, you don't have to pay me. I'm just going to keep showing up to work.

Tennis is a boring sport

Well, she [Naomi Osaka] plays a boring sport. ... I said I didn't give a fuck [about the match]. People were like, how can you not be talking about it? Like, I do not care.

Fernando Tatis Jr. will be a Yankee in four or five years if the Padres don't win a title

Well, I mean, the Padres, they obviously were an electric team in the shortened season last year. Slam Diego? Yeah, Slam Diego. So if they don't win a title in what? The first four or five? Then he's a Yankee.

The Padres are frauds if they don't produce a championship with their current roster

We should hold ourselves to be the ones that are putting San Diego in the accountability spotlight. Like if San Diego does not produce, they're frauds.

Zach Wilson's mechanics are Mahomes-esque and baseball-esque

It's just the way [Zach Wilson] uses his base in separation to his upper body when he throws. It's very Mahomes-esque and very baseball-esque.

The Mets should have brought up Tim Tebow just to sell tickets

My prediction was that the Mets should bring him up because they weren't selling any tickets, and they should have brought him up several times to the big leagues because Tim Tebow puts asses in seats. That's just a fact. People would go out and watch Tim Tebow strike out three times before they would go out and watch the Mets win 30% of their games at home.

Tim Tebow is a top 3 college football player ever

I would say [Tebow]'s underrated in football because we all clown on him and, you know, he wasn't great in the pros. But in terms of, I mean, he's one of the best college football players ever, I think. I'd say, like, top three college football player.

Tom Brady's pregame speech about 'honor' was more effective than Bruce Arians' speech

[Bruce Arians] gave a speech, but it wasn't the speech we needed. ... The speech we needed to hear was from Tom Brady. And his speech was about honor. ... When Tom said we're playing for honor and for the last names on our back, I think that kind of hit different for us.

Tom Brady text the entire team every morning at 5:30 AM before the Super Bowl saying we will win

He was just telling us, we will win this game. You know, our hard work we're doing throughout the week, you know, he made sure that, you know, just like we all did. It'd be 5:30 of the morning before. I guess he's the first person up. You know, he leads by example.

Jason Pierre-Paul is a future Hall of Famer

He may have seven and a half fingers, but he is a Hall of Famer. He's a two-time champion. And his resume and his credentials he has is remarkable.

I want to stay with the Buccaneers if we can keep the team together

I would love to rejoin, you know, but things happen. If it doesn't work out, it happens. So just stay and pray it up and I'm going to let my agents and them deal with that. I think this team, we could do something special if we stay together again.

The skills transition from lacrosse to football is effortless due to hand-eye coordination

The transition [from lacrosse to wide receiver] is like effortless because they're just the eye hand coordination, the dodging, the conditioning, the physical part of the both games, like playing receiver and then playing like midfielder attack is so similar.

Gronk would be an elite lacrosse player without needing stick skills

Gronk wouldn't even have to worry about stick skills. I mean, the stick would be invisible. You'd stick him on attack, and he'd be able to run through everybody.

Hank faked a fart noise on a soundboard to get more views for Stool Streams

I actually think that Hank had like a sound board in the truck, a fart board. Piped it in to get more views on his little video that he was putting out. And then he wrote like two blogs about it and he's tried to squeeze content out of it.

Vacation shaming is always wrong

Vacation shaming in all forms is wrong. That's my stance. I just, you know, I'm on the front lines of vacations everywhere.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.

I am either going to prison or becoming a billionaire because of Pi Network

Either I'm going to go to jail because this is all illegal, which I don't think it is, or I'm going to make a ton of money. It's speculative value. Either I'm going to go to prison or be a billionaire.

Coach K’s empire at Duke is officially crumbling

We're totally sidetracking that Duke is—the whole entire empire is crumbling, Hank. Coach K has nothing. He has nothing left.

Jalen Johnson is a quitter for opting out of the Duke season

[Jalen Johnson] is a quitter. However, as a Dookie, a diehard Cameron Crazy runs in my blood... If they had a shot, even a chance—they're clearly not going to make the tournament. They're terrible this year. If it was like they were even a bubble team or close to a bubble team and he quit now, it'd be like, alright, fuck this guy forever.

Kyle Trask is Kirk Cousins with Tom Brady upside

I'm working on Kyle Trask right now... I'm thinking Kirk Cousins... That's a mid-level. Tom Brady upside.

Marcus Mariota would be a perfect trade target for the Pittsburgh Steelers

I feel like Marcus Mariota is the guy that nobody's talking about out there... Here's what I would do, though, if I were the Pittsburgh Steelers. I would trade for Marcus Mariota to sit behind Ben for one year.

Blue-collar workers, specifically train operators, should be allowed to have sex on the clock to improve performance

If you work a blue-collar job, especially if you're a train operator, you should be allowed to have sex on the clock. You don't want someone who's dangerously horny to be driving your train. You want someone who's mellow, relaxed, has that post-nut clarity.