Takes

NFL players shouldn't be able to demand trades over personnel decisions

But I don't think a player should be able to demand who they want interviewed or what players they want to pick up or let go. I mean, that crosses the line... I just don't think that it's right for a player to be upset and demand a trade because they didn't interview someone he wanted to interview.

I am the only player in NFL history to throw an interception, miss a tackle, cause a fumble, and recover it all on the same play

I catch him, punch the ball out, create a fumble, and recover it all at the same time. I'm willing to bet the farm that I am the only person to throw an interception, miss a tackle, cause a fumble, and recover it all at the same time.

There's an outside chance Russell Wilson gets traded to the Bears

As we speak, I think there's an outside chance that Russell Wilson could go there [Chicago]. That would be a huge pickup... That would change the dynamics big time.

Russell Wilson would instantly become the greatest quarterback in Chicago Bears history

He'd be the best quarterback in Chicago Bear history instantly.

Michigan is the best college basketball team in the country

I think Michigan should be number one. They're the best team in the country. What they've done has been insanely impressive... They are just killing people.

Hunter Dickinson is the best player in college basketball

I think Hunter Dickinson is the best player in the entire country. I'm only saying that because he's an AWL.

JJ Watt should sign with Cleveland or Buffalo to achieve legendary status

Cleveland does, you know, we discussed it when he became a free agent. Like, that is the... franchise you can go to that will embrace him... If you're the final piece to bring a Super Bowl to [Cleveland or Buffalo], it's a totally different level than signing with the Titans or with the Packers.

The Seahawks should keep Russell Wilson and fire Pete Carroll if forced to choose

I would rather keep Russell Wilson than Pete Carroll if I was in charge of the Seahawks. If Russell Wilson went to the Seahawks' ownership and was like, hey, it's me or Pete, they would absolutely fire Pete in a second.

I would change the name of the Washington Football Team to the 'Washington Wilsons' to acquire Russell Wilson

Straight up as a Washington football team fan, I would change the name for Russell Wilson. The Washington Wilsons.

I'm selling myself back into Nick Foles being the Bears' starting quarterback, but it will be a disaster

The Bears now might just have Nick Foles be the quarterback, which I've already done the process of just selling myself back into that. It's not going to work. It's going to be a disaster.

The NBA Top Shot market is a bubble and investors will lose money

This bubble's going to be painful for some people. That could be one day. The Top Shot bubble... I'm leery on Top Shot... Let's not pretend that this is going to be your retirement account.

Money launderers finding NBA Top Shot is actually a good thing for the market

I actually think that the money launderers finding Top Shot is a great thing. It's perfect because now that's injecting a whole new level of cash into it.

At their respective peaks, Julius Randle is better than Chris Bosh

I kind of agree with that [the viral tweet]. Big J. Oh, he said at his peak, was Chris Bosh ever as good as Julius Randle? ... Drunk with power, which I am, I kind of agree with that.

Chelsea didn't exist as a top-tier consistent club until Roman Abramovich arrived

A lot of Chelsea fans came into it because obviously Abramovich went there with the money and then their club came alive because nobody fucking knew Chelsea until Abramovich come. They were a cup team. When it came to that consistency in the league, the man was shit.

Mikel Arteta should be fired as Arsenal manager

I am Arteta out... He needs to fuck off. If [Kroenke] doesn't spend enough money, then he needs to fuck off... This is the lowest we've ever been [as a club].

The US soccer team needs European coaches to reach the next level

I think you need better coaching. So European coaches coming over here will help you... You have to spend money on grassroots... Because, like it or not, we're the ones that understand the best football. We've got the philosophies.

Soccer will never be a top-tier sport in America because MLS isn't the best league in the world

NHL, NFL, MLB and NBA. Those are the best leagues in the world for those sports. MLS is not that way, so I think it's a little bit harder. It's definitely growing, but I don't know.

Max Homa should be cancelled for not wearing red and black in honor of Tiger Woods

We have a stay classy for our guy, Max Homa, who did not wear red on Sunday in honor of Tiger Woods. Shame. Who does he think he is? ... Max, you're cancelled.

Tommy Pham is only alive because he has too much muscle to be killed by a knife

Doctors told Tommy Pham after he was stabbed that if he wasn't so muscular, he would maybe be dead or paralyzed, which is the greatest flex of all time. Being like, if I was a weak fucking scrawny bitch boy, I'd be dead. But instead, I'm an alpha male with a shitload of muscles so I can handle a stabbing.

LeBron James can never match Michael Jordan's level of legendary asshole-ness

LeBron could never. Never, ever. ... MJ talks such great shit... [He] has a full staff walking around with highlights ready to go, depending on which NBA players he runs into. ... LeBron could never.

Russell Wilson included the Bears on his trade list just to drive up his trade value for other teams

I think that he threw the Bears in there as kind of throwing a bone for the Seahawks because he knows that if the Bears are in the discussion, his trade value goes up. And so that means that other teams would be able to give a little bit more money.

I will become the most religious, corny person in the world if Russell Wilson becomes a Bear

If Russell Wilson somehow, someway becomes a bear, I will buy into... I might just become the most religious person in the world. Just become unlimited. Yeah, just praise Jesus every single day. I will tweet about the corniest sayings, everything. I'll be a Mr. Unlimited.

Russell Wilson is not going to be traded and will stay with the Seattle Seahawks

I don't think [Russell Wilson] is going to go anywhere. I think he's going to stay in Seattle, but it's nice to dream.

Deshaun Watson should retire because the Texans are a franchise that can drive a player to that

I would love to see a player just be like, I truly hate them so much. I will retire. If any franchise is able to do that to a person, it would be the Houston Texans.

Drew Brees is definitely retiring this year even though he hasn't officially announced it yet

He's retiring. I'm putting Drew Brees out to pasture... Why has Drew Brees not retired? I don't have a good answer for that, but I'm putting it out to pasture.

Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K

And all you haters out there that told me I was an idiot when I said Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K, he doesn't get the shine, this is just another market in my favor on this.

Duke will replace a top team as a 1-seed in the NCAA tournament if there is a COVID outbreak

They just announced that there are going to be replacement teams with COVID. The first four teams out are going to be on standby. God forbid Gonzaga, Baylor, Michigan have COVID outbreak. Duke... replaces them as the one seed. That's what's going to happen. They're not going to shift around.

Duke will make the 2021 NCAA tournament

So, yeah, so Duke, they're going to make the tournament. I just know they will. Of course.

I will get a cat if Duke wins the NCAA championship

If Duke wins the championship, I'll get a cat... Done. One cat between [Big Cat and I]. It can be a barn cat.

The most efficient laundry system is just taking your clothes directly out of the dryer as needed rather than folding them

It's great. That's actually an efficient system. And then you put it in the washing machine right when you take it off for the shower. So you basically, you don't need a closet. Exactly.

Disc Golf is a massive growth market that we can get in on the ground floor of

There is a new sport that's blowing up. And I think we can get it on the ground floor and make a lot of money. This dude, Paul McBeth. Today, signed a 10-year, $10 million contract extension to play disc golf. His signature line sold so many. There's such a huge market there.

There should be a dating app specifically for people obsessed with Peloton

All these Peloton people are so obsessed with Peloton. Everyone's just simping for their instructors. So why don't you just make a dating app for all these dudes who get [obsessed].

Rebranding Mr. Potato Head to 'Potato Head' is neutering the toy

They changed him today. They massacred my boy. Hasbro is... they neutered him. Yeah, they're giving him a spud, a gender-neutral new name. Just Potato Head.

Eating salads for a week caused my kidney stones

Bottom line is no more salads. I fucked up by eating salads for a week and now look at me. I'm passing a kidney stone... My inside is like the Infinity Stones.

Chapstick is one of the biggest scams in America

I present to you one of the biggest scams in America. Chapstick. I keep losing mine. It is impossible to finish a stick. You have to buy a new one every week. Do you know anyone who's ever finished a chapstick?

Mike Greenberg has successfully executed a power play for every major job at ESPN

Mike Greenberg, they just announced he's going to be doing the NFL draft. Oh, great. Another show for him. More Greeny. All Greeny all the time. He seriously has had a power play for every job at ESPN.

We are the first of the suckers on Top Shot, but we can still get rich.

I think we're the first of the suckers. So sometimes we can get in and we'll be a little bit sucker, we'll be less suckery than the majority of people, but we're still like the first sucker. I think we can still get rich off this, though, because I bought the most pristine mint condition gift of Alex Caruso blocking James Harden.

I'm going to corner the market on Lou Dort Top Shots and get rich when he wins MVP

My entire investment strategy is to corner the market on Lou Dort. Okay. So I'm putting everyone in the Dortcher chamber. We're going to buy all the L...

If a guy has cauliflower ears, stay far away from him.

That's the oldest rule in the book. If a guy has cauliflower ears, stay far away.

If Jeff Bezos bids $7 billion for the Washington Football Team, the other NFL owners will force Dan Snyder out

If Jeff Bezos, who is the richest man in the world, wants to pay like six, seven billion dollars for an NFL franchise, if Dan Snyder doesn't want to s...

Cam Newton will reach out to the kid who trash-talked him and take him under his wing.

Cam's absolutely going to meet up with this kid. I think Cam is going to absolutely reach out to this kid, take him under his wing.

I can beat up any 10-year-old in the entire world

I think that I could beat up any 10-year-old in the country. Probably the world. I don't think that there's a 10-year-old in the world whose ass I couldn't kill... Pre-puberty, I could defeat any 10-year-old in the world.

Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen starting a podcast together is the end of the podcast bubble.

Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen have a podcast. I think this is the end of – I think this is the end of the bubble. If five years ago I asked you what would be the apex of podcasting, I think it'd be Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen doing a podcast.

A golfer who chokes should immediately become a sports tout on Twitter to distract fans from their failure.

Just become like the sports better guy on Twitter. Be like, 'Oh, I love the Nets plus-minus six and a half tonight. It's a lock of the century. Five-star play.' Just become a sports tout because then every bet that you miss, that's what people are talking about... Everyone forgets about the fact that you missed that putt.

I can win the Masters this year

I think I have a better chance than I did last year... I think we're climbing. We're definitely trending... I can win the Masters. It's definitely pos...

The blood on Curt Schilling's sock in the 2004 ALCS was fake paint

My conspiracy is the Curt Schilling sock because there's actually some smoke to that. There's some evidence that the blood on the sock was not actually blood... I do think that it's a shitload of paint that got put back there to make Curt Schilling look like he was pitching his absolute balls off.

Michael Jordan was suspended for gambling in 1993 and the league kept it under wraps

The reason why he retired originally in 93 was because he got suspended for gambling... I heard how this conspiracy goes is that they actually suspended him, but they just kept it under wraps because it would have been bad for the league.

The Orioles orchestrated a power outage to keep Cal Ripken's consecutive games streak alive because he had been in a fight with Kevin Costner.

My conspiracy theory... Cal Ripken, in the middle of his streak, got in a fight with Kevin Costner, wasn't going to be able to play because Kevin Costner was hooking up with his wife, and the Orioles said there was a power outage and canceled the game to keep the streak alive.

The NFL staged the Super Bowl XLVII blackout to help the 49ers get back in the game because television viewership was tapering off.

I'm taking the blackout Super Bowl between the Harbaugh's... that it was a blowout, and the NFL wanted to give some more time to get the 49ers back in the game... All of the dress rehearsals by Beyonce, it took that exact same amount of power. The lighting was tested time and time again... So for them to say like, 'Oh, we didn't know it was going to draw this much power,' that was like one of the reasons.

The Russian doping program for the Sochi Olympics was used to gain nationalistic pride ahead of the invasion of Crimea.

My conspiracy theory is going to be the Russian doping conspiracy that actually has a lot more truth. The Sochi Olympics, the Russians were swapping out their piss... to gain nationalistic pride in order to invade Crimea, which there's a lot of evidence for.